First Kiss - Kind Of
Author's Notes: I was going through some lj links, and I found Paddies' "First Time" challenge thing. So the idea for this story just popped into my brain and bingo! next thing I know it had written itself.
This is close to being unique among my fiction, because there's only one other fic that predates S3. And that's the death fic I thought I'd never write.
Well, this is the S1 gapfiller I thought I'd never write.
I feel totally stupid to be so totally awed and over the moon just because he kissed me. I mean, it's not like it's the first time he's ever kissed me in public. He kisses me all the time at Babylon. But it's daylight. We're out in public. I mean, there are all sorts of people here, they're not even all gay. And he kissed me.
Right out here in front of anyone who was looking. Like we were really boyfriends or something. Something, anyway.
I wasn't even sure he'd show up. My heart has been thumping so hard ever since I got here, and Daph has totally been telling me off for looking up every time someone new walked in, but I couldn't help it. I wanted him to come so much. I needed him to. Needed to see him. Needed him to see my drawings. Needed him to show that he thinks something of me besides wanting to fuck me.
Not that there's anything wrong with that. Shit! I think I'd die if I thought he was never going to fuck me again. I've only got to think of him touching me and I get hard.
But I know there's more than that. He could have anyone. And he never does repeats. He told me that. Everyone's told me that. But he does with me, and there has to be a reason for that.
Everyone - all his friends, even Lindsay - they've all more or less told me to forget him and get on with my life.
Mel even tried to point out some cute young guys here that she thinks I should go after, like I'd want to be with some kid when I could be with Brian.
I know they all think I'm some know nothing kid who's totally got a crush on the first guy I ever had sex with, the first guy who ever fucked me. They all keep telling me that they know Brian, and they know he's going to hurt me, and they know he's just using me, and all that crap.
But they don't know Brian. They don't know the Brian I know. The one who was so patient with me that first night. The one who always makes sure I'm okay with things before they get out of hand or go too far. The one who looks after me and protects me in all sorts of ways.
And none of them can explain why, if they're right, and he's so not ever going to be interested in me, and he never does anyone twice, then why does he still come after me? Well okay, most of the time it's me going after him, but he doesn't exactly stop me. And he could. He knows he could. And he knows I know he could. And he doesn't.
And today I know he came here to the GLC just for me, because he hates the place. I could tell the other day, and anyway, Lindsay told me when she was trying to make sure I didn't get my hopes up too much about him being here. He came here for me, and he's just kissed me, not on the dance floor at Babylon when he just wants to get me all hot for him, but here at the GLC in front of friends and strangers and everybody.
I feel giddy. I feel like it's the most amazing thing that's happened between us yet. I feel like it means that he really does see me. Me. Not just a trick, but me, Justin Taylor. And he even maybe likes me a little.
I feel like I could fly, and I feel like I want to cry all at the same time.
But mainly I just feel like I really am becoming a man. A man that Brian Kinney's interested in for more than a quick fuck. A man that Brian Kinney likes.
And that makes me feel I could do anything, be anyone. I feel like the whole world is right there at my feet and I can have it all.
For the first time, I feel like Justin Taylor really is someone who's going to have a great life. And, if I've got anything to say about it, it's going to be a life with Brian Kinney in it. One way or another.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I must be out of my fucking mind.
I should never have come.
Damn Lindsay to Hell for talking me into this.
I only came because
Fucked if I really know why I'm here. Partly because of Lindsay. Partly to see if Mikey showed up with the good Doctor.
But mainly I guess I came for him. I wanted to see his stuff. Wanted to see how he looked, watching people look at his work for the first time. I remember that feeling, remember what it was like the first time something I'd created went on public display. I wanted
I guess I fucking wanted to share that moment with him. Have it be another moment that he'll always remember, always picture me in it with him. Someday he'll be reminiscing and telling his latest lover that this really hot guy who'd been his first fuck also turned up at his first show. And he'll remember me being young and beautiful. And then, I guess I always will be.
How fucking pathetic is that?
But the kid's talented. He could go a long way. Maybe someday I'll be bragging about how I popped the cherry of the new Andy Warhol.
But why the fuck did I kiss him?
I know him. The wheels will be spinning in that busy brain of his trying to work out what it means that I'd fucking kiss him here in front of all the straights and the hetero wannabes. It's not like I kiss all my ex tricks when I see them again. Hell, half the time I don't kiss them at all. If they just blow me or something, why would I?
The fucking problem is that he's not an ex-trick.
He should be.
But he's fucking not.
And I don't know why that is either.
The thing is I'd been expecting him to come bounding up like the exuberant puppy he reminds me of sometimes. And I was all geared to brush him off, crush him with my indifference, and then walk away, job well done, message delivered, all of that. Of course after that, I would have been waiting to see what he'd do. Whether he really would have backed off, or if he'd have come after me again. I guess if he had well, who the fuck knows? I guess it would have depended on where and how and what else was on offer.
But he didn't do what I expected. He played it very very cool. Might have almost convinced some people that he hadn't been watching the door for me. But I saw him, saw him turn away really quickly when I walked in. Saw him occupy himself with other people, just like I did; while all the time the knowledge of exactly where he was in the room was burning into me.
In the end, I guess I guess it was almost like that night at Babylon. I wanted to stake my claim. Needed to, for some fucked up reason.
So I walked up and breathed into his ear in the way that always seems to bring him undone, and then he turned and he was right there and
I kissed him.
I fucking kissed him.
I'm losing my fucking mind.
That kid is driving me out of my fucking mind.
But the thing is, when he's with me, he doesn't seem like a kid. He's young, he's inexperienced, but
He's smart and he's funny and he never, never asks or expects me to cut him any slack at all for being so young. He always wants me to treat him like a man. So I do. And he is. That's the simple truth of it.
He is a man. A fucking beautiful blond bombshell with an ass that doesn't quit who's closer to feeling like my equal in all the ways that count than anyone else I know.
I push, he pushes back harder. I demand, he gives more than I'd ever ask for. I back away, he doesn't even hesitate any more, he just comes after me.
The sweet face and baby blues seem to fool everyone else and all they see is some kid with a crush. Like if that's all he was he'd have lasted even the first night.
They don't know the Justin I know, they don't see the Justin I see.
The Justin Taylor I know is fucking amazing and scares the crap out of me. And I should just push him out of my life for good - for his good, as well as mine.
But I don't. I can't help letting it go on just a little longer, can't help thinking 'just one more time'.
And now for the first time I've fucking kissed him right here in broad daylight in the middle of the GLC. And I know him. I know he's going to think it fucking means something. Like we're fucking boyfriends or something.
Means something anyway.
And the fuck of it is, it probably does.
Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! Fuck!
I am out of my fucking mind.
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