From the Inside

Darkness enveloped my soul the moment he walked out the door with the fiddle player. I tried to be the same man I was before him, but I couldn't. I was too far-gone. He had changed me.

I went about my daily life as if nothing were wrong when inside I was slowly dying. I longed for him, for his touch, his kiss, his breath on my chest as he slept. I went out of my way to be near him. I invented reasons to see him.

I searched the crowd for blond hair every time I was on the street. Whenever I heard violin music, my heart broke even more. I missed him. If only I could tell him, then maybe just maybe he would come home.

But I couldn't do that. That would ruin everything I had worked so hard for. Besides he wouldn't believe me anyway.

I used Mikey as a substitute, only he wasn't whom I wanted. I wanted Justin. I craved Justin. I needed Justin.

I did everything I could think of to get him out of my head. I fucked lots of men. I bought a new car. I ran a campaign for a man I hated. Anything to forget him.

He was everywhere. Every fucking where. At the diner. At the munchers'. At Debbie's. I couldn't escape him. I didn't want to escape him.

I buried myself in my work. Until he invaded that space as well. When I saw him standing there, I almost forgot who I was and took him into my arms. He looked so delicious standing there. So kissable. Fuck, I missed him.

Then he told me that he didn't do boyfriends. He threw my words right back in my face and it nearly killed me. Despite everything I said, I wanted to be his boyfriend. I wanted to be anything to him at that moment.

I wanted to pull him into my arms and take him home and fuck him for days. Instead I made some smart-ass comment and left. I was so scared that if I did he would leave again.

The day he kissed me, my heart soared. It felt so good to feel his lips on mine again. I had said something stupid again. I told him to be a man or some shit and he showed me just how brave he really was.

Later that night, I called him back. I broke down and asked him to come back. Not to me, but to work. And essentially to me. In a moment of weakness, I let my walls down and let him see into my soul. I ordered him to never ever play violin music in my presence ever again. And he promised.

After that, I swear I heard angels sing. When he locked that door, I knew I was a goner. There was no turning back. I opened myself up to the one person in the world that I could trust with my heart. That kiss, oh that kiss.

He was so playful that night.  And I couldn't contain my happiness either. When he pulled that shirt off of me, I knew that what was about to happen held a deeper meaning than either of us could imagine.

Someone once told me that there's no time like the first time. But I have to tell you the second first time is even better.

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