Cold December

WARNING: This is a sad/happy one.......

"She's dead." I turned and walked away from him, the feelings overwhelming me. I just couldn't feel that relief with him there watching me. I didn't want him to know that I was glad she was gone.

I know he watched me with worry as I walked upstairs. I know this because I know he loves me. He loves me more than she ever could. He accepts me for who I am, scars and all.

But I digress, this isn't about Justin or me or even about Joan. Its about letting go.

Claire said she went quickly, no suffering. I laughed at those words because she should've suffered some for all she did to me. Justin glanced up at the sound of my laughter, his eyes questioning me. I shrugged and turned back to Claire going on and on about how she had to handle the arrangements alone. I must've lost my fucking mind for a moment because I told her I'd take care of everything.

I was just sitting on the edge of the bed when I felt his hand on my arm. I looked up into those sapphire eyes and couldn't hold back the tears any longer. He pulled me close and just held me. He knew exactly what I needed and gave it to me freely.

I held tight to him afraid to let go. He was my constant, the only person in my life I knew loved me unconditionally. He let me cry until there was nothing left and then he told me the words I always longed to hear my mother say.

"I love you and I'm here for you. Whatever you need, I'm here."

I smiled sadly up at him and sighed deeply. I thought about my life before him, how empty it had been, how lonely. Before Justin, noone loved me.

The next week was hard but Justin never let me feel alone. He was always there when I needed him. The night before the funeral was almost too difficult. Thank God Justin was there. I needed to feel alive that night. I needed to feel him, to love him.

The day of the funeral I thought for sure I would be smiling, happy that she was finally gone. Instead something inside of me ached for her. Justin held my hand the entire day. Without him I'm sure I would've lost my fucking mind.

Somehow I got through the service without breaking down. It was only after they had all left and I was all alone with my mother that I could feel the terrible emptiness I felt. I was sitting there, on the snow covered ground next to her coffin, crying when I felt his warmth again.

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah," I smiled at him and then pulled him down beside me. "I just have a few things I need to say to my mother."

He stood to leave and I pulled him back beside me.

"Stay. I need you here."

"Are you sure?"

"Yeah, I am."

He kissed me and I could feel his strength and I knew that I had to have him next to me in order to do this. He squeezed my hand and I knew he was with me all the way.

I took a deep breath and looked to where my mother's body lay. I wasn't sure if I could even find words to tell her how I felt but somehow the words just came out.

"I guess you got what you wanted all along Mom. You finally broke me. I bet you and Jack are somewhere trying to find a way to fuck me up a little more. Guess what Mom, it's not gonna work. Wanna know why? Because of Justin. He's given me everything you never would. He loves me Mom. He loves ME. Like you never did. All I ever wanted was for you to love me, just a little, just love me Mom. Why couldn't you do that? You were my mother, you were supposed to love me. Thats what mothers do, they love their son even if he is some cock loving faggot who's going straight to Hell."

Justin's hand on my back stopped me and I turned to look into his eyes.

"Brian, don't do this."

"I have to."

"She's gone, baby."

"Not for her, for me."

He smiled at me and kissed me softly. I turned back to my mother, knowing that with Justin at my side I could face anything.

"Mom, despite it all I loved you. I remember those few times when you loved me as well. Do you remember when I was three and you baked gingerbread cookies for Christmas? You made one and wrote my name in icing on him. I was so happy then. Why did you take that away from me? What did I do mom? What did I do to make you stop loving me? Was it when I broke your favorite rosary? Or maybe the time I got suspended from school for spraypainting the walls? Whatever it was, I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I was so bad that you couldn't love me anymore."

I felt his arms around me, holding me for support. I was thankful for his touch then. It was my only link to the present.

"God Mom, even in death you manage to fuck up my life. I can't even feel good about you being dead. I should be after all the hell you put me through in the name of your "God". I hope your god is making you pay for those times you just stood by and let Jack beat the fuck out of me. Do you know what my life was like Mom? I'll tell you. My life fucking sucked. Noone loved me. Noone. I was five years old and completly alone."

"I guess that's when I first realized that my mommy didn't love me. Do you know what that felt like Mom? Did you even care that you were the only mother who never once showed up for anything I did in school? Did you know that I won the spelling bee and got an award? You weren't there to see me. I looked for you that day. Mrs. Preston held me as I cried because you weren't there. I promised myself then and there that I'd never love anyone like that again."

Justin tried to pull me away from my mother's coffin again and I resisted. "I have to Sunshine."

"No you don't Brian. Don't let her do this to you again."

"I have to. She needs to know and so do you."

I turned back to my mother's lifeless body and fought back the tears. My mind wandered over all the times I sat in school disappointed in my mother. There were too many to count. All the parties never attended, the field trips she missed, the awards she never saw me get. All those times when I was the only kid without their mom.

"Fuck you Mom. I'm not going to waste anymore tears on you. You taught me to the be heartless bastard I am today."

"You aren't heartless, Brian, she was. You are the most giving man, the most loving man, you are everything she tried to destroy. She didn't win, Brian, you did."

I turned to face this man who loved me, this man who stood here and listened to me tell my own mother how horrible life with her was and he still loved me. He still found something inside of me that was good, that he could love.

I took his hand, looked back one last time as they lowered my mother into the frozen ground and walked away. I left all of that pain with her that cold December day. I opened my heart to this blond man who had so much love to give and for the first time since I was three, I felt like I belonged.

FINIS.........

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