Changes

FOR NICHOLE

The words echo through the loft. They hang there on the air like a fog.  Silence fills the room as my heart begins to race. I sit there with the counter cold against my back. I wait. I wait for him to say something. Anything.

Everything has changed. Everything. It is finally out there in the open.  What will he do with it? Will he take it and leave or will he stay? Did I wait too long to say it? Does he not feel it anymore? Still nothing. The silence is maddening. My eyes plead with him to just say something. To save me from this torture of not knowing if it matters to him.

He just stands there with his back against the door. His face expressionless. He doesn't move. He doesn't breathe.

"Justin? Please say something. Please. Don't leave me hanging here."

"What do you want me to say Brian? That I love you too? Shit you already know that I love you. You just never let me say it. I know that you are afraid of love but don't be afraid of me. I won't hurt you. "

"Don't you see that you already have Justin? When you told me about Ethan, you crushed me. You took everything I had and destroyed it. I knew I had lost you. I drove you to him. I caused you to leave."

"No Brian you didn't. I am leaving because I want more. More than you could offer me. More than you were willing to give. I want to be loved. I want to be cherished. I want to be appreciated. But most of all I want it to be you who gives me that. But you never let me know that you wanted me here.  Everything you did told me that you loved me. But your words told me you didn't."

"I am telling you now. I love you. That is hard for me to say to you. Fuck it is hard for me to admit it to myself. It changes everything. How we are.  Who we are. But I cant let you go without telling you how I feel. I love you. I want you here. I want you in my life. In my bed. In my world. "

"I am tired Brian. Tired of being the only one who tries to make this work.  Tired of being the only one who loves in this relationship. I am just tired.  I can't go on this way. I can't do it anymore. You are too much work for me now. You say you love me. So prove it Brian. Do something about it.  Don't just say it. Saying it doesn't make it real. I can't be here. I can't sit by and watch you throw us away."

I move towards him slowly at first. I put my arms around him and pull him close. I just hold him. Just love him. Just feel him next to me.

"I will do anything Justin. Anything at all. Just tell me what it will take to get you to stay. I can't live without you here. I don't want to live without you here. Tell me what to do Justin."

"I can't Brian. I can't tell you how to love me. You have to figure that out on your own. But I can't stay here while you do that. I will be at Debbie's."

"Don't give up on me. Justin I will make this work. I promise you that. Just don't give up on us."

The door shuts softly behind him and I am left standing there empty and cold inside. The days turn to weeks as I try to find away to win him back. Then it comes to me. Something that Melanie said. He wants romance.

I open the door for him and see the look of surprise cross his face.  Candlelight fills the room with a heavenly glow. The scent of lilacs floats on the air. Dinner waits for us on the table. He is beautiful in his tux.  Music plays softly in the background. I see him smile when he thinks that I am not looking. I lead him into the loft, my hand on his back. He feels warm to my touch.

"Brian what is this? What have you done?"

"Justin please sit down and just enjoy. This is your special night. Tonight is all about you."

We sit down to a dinner of lamb and baby potatos and wine. There is light conversation throughout dinner. We talk about work and his art. We talk about the gang. When dinner is over I ask him to close his eyes while I go to the kitchen.

"Open your eyes Justin." He opens them to find a birthday cake for him. It is his favorite, lemon cream with cream cheese icing. As I sit it on the table in front of him he smiles at me. The smile that makes me weak. I light the candles, nineteen in all and he makes his wish before blowing them out.  I move to sit next to him and pull the box out from under the table. He smiles before pulling the ribbon off. Opening it he finds a silk scarf which I slip through his fingers and blindfold him.

I lead him up the stairs to the bedroom. I can feel his excitement building.  He does not know what to expect. I lean in and kiss him softly on the lips before removing the blindfold. He opens his eyes to find a painting before him. His favorite artist, Atiila Richard Lukacs. He is speechless as he turns to look at me. He kisses me before turning back to look one more time. A warmth spreads through me as I watch him. He is happy. For the first time in a long time so am I.  I take his hand in mine as I reach into my jacket pocket for the last gift. I motion for him to sit. I kneel before him and open the box.

I take the bracelet from the box and put it on his wrist. The silver against his tan is beautiful. He traces the engraving. One word. One word that says so much. Forever.

He looks to me questioningly. I smile at him and pull back the sleeve of my jacket to reveal an identical bracelet replacing my usual black shells.

"Brian? What is this?" I interrupt him. "Justin this is my promise to you. I love you. Forever. "

He pulls me to him and kisses me passionately. Breaking away he whispers "I love you too Brian. Forever."

I pull him to his feet as the first strains of 'Save the Last Dance' begins and we begin to dance. Just like old times. But yet so different. The feeling is different. More special. More important. More open.  

I pull him towards the door not wanting to wait any longer. "Let's go Justin"

"Where are we going Brian?" he asks.

"To bring you home. Home where you belong here with me. Forever."

The door slams shut and everything has changed.

THE END.........

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