Broken

He is just sitting there looking so damn good. I wish that it could always be like this, him waiting here for me when I come home. I wish he had been here the night I made partner. I had such big plans for that night. Everything was coming together finally. I was finally able to tell him how I feel about him. But he wasnt here. He went to Vermont without me. That hurt. He just up and went without me. For the first two nights I just sat here picturing him with all those hot college boys on Spring Break. Then I got pissed and went out. I decided to just go back to what they all expected me to be. The unfeeling, uncaring, selfish asshole who just needs to get fucked.

But that is not who I am. I was ready to show Justin that I could be all that he wants and needs me to be that night. I had thought about it on the whole plane ride home. I had found the perfect gift for him in Chicago, and it was burning a hole in my pocket. I could feel the weight of the small black box against my thigh as I sat on the plane. I pictured the small on his face when I came in and called myself his partner. I could see the smile and the surprise. I have never referred to myself as his anything.

I had the champagne in my hand and was so anxious to feel him in my arms, his lips on mine. But he wasn't there. And my heart broke.

He came home from his trip to find me in bed with my latest trick. I could see the hurt in his eyes. Not that he would ever tell me that he was hurt.  Sometimes I just wish he would ask me to tell him how I feel about him. But he never does.

Now he is asking me if I missed him. And he is saying everything I wish I could just say to him. I want to say to him that I missed him so much. I don't ever want him to leave me like that again. I want to tell him that I love him and I need him to make me feel complete. But I just can't do it. I just can't say it now. Not after he went without me.

I put my arms around him and kiss him gently pulling him with me as I move to the steel beam in the middle of the loft. I push him up against the beam face first and start to make love to him. It is much rougher than I really want to be but I want him to feel how bad I missed him. Maybe I just hurt him more. Maybe I finally sent him running.

I came home from the hospital to find him setting up a picnic on the floor. How rediculously romantic of him. I can't just sit here. I have to clear my head. There are too many thoughts of him lying there helpless in the hospital after the bashing. Too many thoughts of how he almost died because of me. How I almost got him killed. How different things would be for him if I hadn't shown up there.  God does he know just how bad I feel about what happened? I can't tell him.  He never talks about that night. Maybe he wants to forget it as much as I do. I would have never forgiven myself if he had not made it.  I would not have survived Justin dying.

I tell him I want to go to Babylon and he wants us to stay in, just the two of us. How do I make him see that I wish I could do just that. But I can't I have to clear my head. I have to forget how bad this hurts. So I leave him there. I wait for him all night. I watch the door looking for him to walk in. He never shows. I get home at 2:45 am and he is not there. I watch the clock tick away the minutes then the hours and still no Justin. Where is he? Who is he with?

I try his cellphone and no answer. I hang up without leaving a message knowing that he will know I called by my number on his display.  Has he left me? Did he find someone who can give him what he so desperately wants from me? Did I drive him into the arms of another? Then I look on the night stand and find that damn violin player's cd. I pick it up and throw it across the room delighting in the sound of it smashing into pieces. I fall into a restless sleep only to be awakened by Justin coming in.

He heads straight to the shower. It is then I know where he was. He was with that kid. That damn musician. I wait for him to come out and when he does I smile at him and say...

"You were out late. Did you forget your watch? Or are you just taking my advise to heart?"

He turns and looks at me and barely smiles as he lies to me. "I spent the night at Daphne's. I was too drunk to drive and I didnt want to call a cab and leave my car there. It is a bad neighborhood."

I accept his excuse and pull him to me for a kiss. Only this time it is different. Only this time Justin's heart isn't in it. He pulls away and walks to the kitchen. I watch him through the glass panels as he goes about making coffee.  I reach into my pocket and pull out the black box. I look at the silver ring and my heart breaks knowing that he may never wear it. He may never even know that I bought it for him. I get up and hide it next to his drawing I bought last year. Knowing that one day I will have to confess to him all that is in my heart. I just hope that I am not too late. And that he is still here to hear it.

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