Perfect

1996

I was sitting with Lindsay in her shitty little apartment one day last year listening to music. She pulled out a CD for this new artist that she said was supposed to be the next big thing. The next thing I heard was this whiney, annoying, obviously angry, supposedly female voice coming out of the speakers.

“Turn it off,” I said as I covered my ears.

“Why?” she asked.

“Because it’s shit,” I said.

“It’s good music, Brian,” she protested.

“You would think that,” I answered.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” She was mad now.

“It’s angry chick music. Perfect for lesbians. Of course you’d think it’s good,” I said with a smirk. The next thing I knew I was getting hit upside the head with a pillow. She told me to give it a chance so I said I would. I sat there quietly cringing as I listened to the whining that was known as “You Oughta Know.” When the song was over I was glad for the reprieve. That’s when I heard it. Or I was trying to hear it anyway. Lindsay was prattling on and on about something. I wasn’t really paying attention.

“Will you shut the fuck up?” I asked her. She glared at me but she did quiet down so I started the song over.

Sometimes is never quiet enough

If you’re flawless then you’ll win my love

Don’t forget to win first place

Don’t forget to keep that smile on your face

I started having flashbacks to my childhood. Having to act like we were a big happy family when we were out in public. Being told to smile in pictures and act like we actually wanted to be together. Pretending that everything was okay.

Be a good boy

Try a little harder

You’ve got to measure up

And make me prouder

Nothing I did was good enough for my parents. If I brought home straight A’s, they wanted straight 100’s. I was the captain of the soccer team. Soccer suddenly wasn’t a real sport. Only fags played soccer. Graduated valedictorian from high school with a 3.98 grade point average. Well, that’s too bad because it wasn’t a 4.0. SAT score was 1490. It wasn’t good enough because it wasn’t a 1600. Full four-year scholarship to Carnegie Mellon. They wanted Harvard. At least that’s the way it was with my mom. For a while my dad would beat the shit out of me for trying to be better than he was.

How long before you screw it up

How many times do I have to tell you to hurry up?

With everything I do for you

The least you could do is keep quiet.

Guilt has always been my mom’s major playing card. She would remind me of all the things she’d ever done for me. Most of the time she made shit up because she didn’t actually do a lot of the stuff she says she’s done. She claims she got in the way of some of Jack’s beatings but I don’t believe her. I’ve been beaten plenty of times and she just sat back and watched. Most of the time she just stayed out of the way drinking her precious red wine thinking it wouldn’t make her drunk.

Be a good girl

You’ve gotta try a little harder

That simply wasn’t good enough

To make us proud

Claire seemed to get off pretty easy for the most part. As far as I saw she never got hit. She did get yelled at on occasion, though. She was told that she was too fat and ugly to get anyone. She was too stupid to make any man happy. No man would ever want her except for sex. Eventually she began to live up to my parents’ expectations and became a whore. She roped a very nice young man into marrying her by getting pregnant on purpose just to get out of the house. Two kids and ten years later and the marriage was over. Luckily my former brother-in-law and I still talk. Part of the reason for the divorce was that he likes me, gay or not, and Claire is a raving homophobe. She’s still living up to my parents’ expectations.

I’ll live through you

I’ll make you what I never was

If you’re the best then maybe so am I

Compared to him, compared to her

I’m doing this for your own damn good

You’ll make up for what I blew

What’s the problem? Why are you crying?

Once Jack realized that I refused to be doomed to his fate he started to take advantage of my success. He asks for money whenever I can spare it. He pushed me harder than anyone and he is the inspiration for my success. I don’t want to be Jack Kinney and I will do everything in my power to keep that from happening. When it all comes down to it, though, he is still my dad. I go see him every now and then. Mainly just to take him money. We have a drink and end up fighting and I leave and go to Mikey’s. I never tell anyone but I cry myself to sleep after a visit with the old man. He reminds me every time how much I wasn’t wanted even when he’s trying to butter me up to give him money.

Be a good boy

Push a little farther now

That wasn’t fast enough

To make us happy

We’ll love you just the way you are if you’re perfect

There was only one real difference between my life and this song. That’s the fact that my parents told me every day that I wasn’t wanted and wasn’t loved. Even though they wanted me to be perfect, they never promised me affection if I was. No matter how good I was, it never changed the fact that I was an unwanted child. I could never be perfect enough. God, I am never having kids as long as I live.

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