I Can't Be Your Friend Anymore
Author's note: Based on the Tim Rushlow song of the same title.
This might come as quite a shock,
But I've given it a lot of thought.
This thing that's come between us can't be ignored.
I've taken all I can;
This is where it's gotta end.
'Cause I can't be your friend anymore.
An' I can't be accused,
Of not bein' there for you.
How many nights have you shown up at my door?
I hope you understand,
That this wasn't in my plans,
But I can't be your friend anymore.
An' it's killin' me to know you,
Without havin' a chance to hold you.
An' all I wanna do is show you,
How I really feel inside.
You can run to me,
You can laugh at me,
Or you can walk right out that door.
But I can't be your friend anymore.
So, baby, now it's up to you:
Do I win or do I lose?
Will my heart fly or lie broken on the floor.
Well, take me as I am,
'Cause I wanna be your man.
But I can't be your friend anymore.
An' it's killin' me to know you,
Without havin' a chance to hold you.
An' all I wanna do is show you,
How I really feel inside.
You can run to me,
You can laugh at me,
Or you can walk right out that door.
But I can't be just friends anymore.
We can't be just friends anymore.
I can’t believe he did it. I can’t fucking believe he did it. Of all the selfish, inconsiderate things to do. And especially now. I didn’t need this now. Justin is lying there in the hospital probably dying and Mikey drops this on me now?! What the fuck? I thought he was my friend. I thought he understood. I thought he would have figured out by now that I love Justin. Yes, I admit it, I love Justin. I wouldn’t have gone to the fucking prom if I didn’t. I want him in my life and I want him around and then Mikey goes and pulls this shit. Every time I think about it, I get mad all over again.
We were sitting there in the hospital and I was just a little amazed that Mikey actually showed up. I thought he’d be on a plane to Portland. I was actually glad that he did show up. I needed him right then. I was hurting more than I’d ever hurt in my life at the thought that Justin might have been killed. It felt like a part of me was missing and I needed someone to help me keep from completely losing it. I thought that would be Mikey. To say that I was relieved to find out that Justin was still alive would have been an understatement. Of course that was cut down two seconds later when I was told he’s in a coma and might not wake up. So he could end up dying anyway.
I remember I went home and changed clothes and Mikey stayed with me the whole time. He took my blood stained tux to the cleaners. They said they couldn’t get the blood out which I know is a crock of shit. I just told him to throw it away. I could get a new one. I wouldn’t let him take the scarf though. I remember asking him if he had a plane to catch. He told me that he wasn’t going after all. I vaguely remember him making a phone call. I think it was to break up with David but I wasn’t really paying attention to what he said.
He stayed the night too. I remember that much. I didn’t really start remembering details until the next day. Until after the shock wore off. I remember waking up and going to take a shower and everything just crashing down on me at once. I started shaking uncontrollably and I couldn’t stop crying. Mikey helped me get out of the shower and dry off. He helped me get to bed. It wasn’t until I’d cried myself to sleep that the tears stopped. When I woke up Mikey had a cup of tea waiting for me. I don’t think I actually ate anything but I did drink the tea, then I just crawled back into bed.
The next thing that happened was more than just a little shock. I remember Mikey came in and lay down on the bed behind me, wrapping his arm around me. He started to rub my stomach and I almost started crying again because Justin did that all the time. I was amazed at how this kid was affecting me and it was still possible that he could live. I was mourning and he could still pull through. I remember that Mikey started kissing my neck.
“What are you doing?”
“Comforting you.”
“That’s how you comfort someone?”
“It’s how I comfort you.”
“Well, I’d be more comfortable if you stopped.”
“Okay.”
“Thank you.”
“Brian, I love you.”
“I know.”
“No, I mean I’m in love with you.”
“I know that, Mikey. We’ve talked about this.”
“I can’t do this anymore, Brian.”
“Do what?”
“Just be your friend.”
“What?”
“I can’t just be your friend anymore, Brian. It hurts too much. You tell me you love me and you’re always there for me. I’m always there ready to hold you when you need it, but it’s not enough. You refuse to be anything more than just friends and I can’t do it anymore. I can’t be with you and not be with you.”
“What are you trying to say, Mikey?”
“I’m saying either I’m your boyfriend or we’re nothing.”
“Why the fuck are you doing this now?”
“What do you mean?”
“Justin could be dying for all we know and you pull this shit on me now?”
“Who cares about Justin?”
“I care about Justin.”
“But he’s just a kid.”
“He might just be a kid but he’s smart and he’s funny and he understands when and when not to do certain things. He’s considerate and kind and he puts up with all my bullshit. He hasn’t once tried to change me and he sure as hell hasn’t given me any ultimatums.”
“Are you in love with this kid?”
“I don’t know, maybe I am.”
“But you barely know him.”
“I know him enough. I spend a lot more time with him than I do with you. We actually sit down and talk. Justin and I have some of the deepest most intelligent conversations I’ve had in my life. We don’t talk about comics and what we did in high school.”
“Because he’s still in high school.”
“Fuck you, Michael. I can’t believe you’d fucking do this. Make me choose between you and Justin when there might not be a choice if he doesn’t wake up.”
“All the more reason to do it now. If I wait until he dies I look like an insensitive prick.”
“New flash, Michael. You still look like an insensitive prick. Now get the fuck out.”
“What?”
“I said get the fuck out! You said that you’re either my boyfriend or we’re nothing, right? Well, we’re nothing. Goodbye, Michael.”
And that was it. The longest friendship I’d had in my life was over in the blink of an eye. He walked out and I haven’t heard from him since. It’s been a week and not so much as a peep. I haven’t gone to the diner for fear of what Debbie would do. I know she’s going to be mad at me. Even though what Michael did was completely wrong I’m sure she’ll say it’s my fault. So here I am, the man I love in the hospital in a coma probably never going to wake up and I have no one to comfort me. I can’t go to Lindsay without having to deal with Melanie and I really don’t need that right now. Ted and Emmett haven’t talked to me since Michael and I ended the friendship so I obviously can’t go to them. I go to the hospital every night to watch him sleep. The night nurse knows me by name now. She lets me stay after visiting hours. She’s the only friend I’ve got.
Return to Rena's