When You Think of Me

 

Author’s Note:  This is another Song fic.  It’s very angsty, it’s Justin’s thoughts as he leaves Brian.  I don’t know where this came from, but this song just started my brain going.

 

`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`'`

 

            Justin looked at Brian sleeping peacefully.  He fell asleep after the two had made love for hours.  Justin had his bags packed in the closet so Brian wouldn’t see them.  He had come to this painful decision a few weeks ago.  Brian had given Justin as much as he could.  He had been a wonderful loving partner, but Justin was not happy.

 

You look so peaceful sleepin’,

You don’t know that I’m leaving, but I’m gone.

Well I did my best to beat ‘em, but in my head, the demon said, move on.

You wake up your gonna curse my name.

But as some time goes by I hope and pray.

            Justin knew that when they got back together, things were different. Brian was really trying. He was actually putting some effort into their relationship this time. They connected more than they ever had before. Brian treated him as an equal, something the older man had never done before.

When you think of me, 

Remember the way that I used to be.

Remember the times I held you, tenderly.

Remember the way that I loved you.

            There were things that didn’t change. Brian still tricked, although he didn’t do it in front of Justin, but the artist still knew and it still broke his heart. He knew from the first incarnation of their relationship there were things Brian would not change. He would not commit to Justin 100%. And the second time was no different. Justin thought he could handle it, but time had proven him wrong. He remembered the first night, the night he fell in love with Brian Kinney.

I think about the night I met you, I swore I’d never forget you, well I won’t.

I think about the way you’ll live and breath,

Inside my dreams forever.

You’ll be better when I’m gone, you’ll be better when I’m gone.

Cause I know your gonna fall in love again.

I’m sorry this is how it has to end.

            Justin knew he would love Brian forever.  The man would always own his heart and soul.  No one would ever be able to replace Brian in his heart, but the pain had become too much.  Justin had never been in such turmoil.  He knew that Brian had given him everything he could, and Justin felt like a heartless shit.  He hated himself that what Brian had given him wasn’t enough.  He knew it was better if he left.  The last time he had held on, hoping for more, he had almost destroyed them both.  It would be better for both of them if he just left.

 

As I pick up these bags and turn around

I say a little prayer and hope somehow.

When you think of me, remember the way that I used to be.

Remember the times I held you, tenderly.

Remember the way that I loved you.

 

            Justin took one last look at his sleeping lover, and quietly said goodbye, as he picked up his bags and left.

 

**When You Think of Me – music and lyrics by: Troy Verges and Brett James

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