The sunlight streamed through the windows of the seedy
The body beside him on the bed began to shift and Brian looked over
at his companion. The young blonde
trick smiled and leaned in for a kiss.
Recoiling in disgust, Brian pushed the man
away.
“You need to go.”
“What?”
“Look, fun’s over, time to
leave.”
Blue eyes blinked in confusion, “I don’t
understand.”
“We fucked, had some fun, now it’s time to
go.” When the younger man
ceased to move, Brian got angry.
“Get the fuck out!”
The trick, recognizing the anger and instability of the man beside
him, quickly leaped out of bed and got dressed.
Once the trick was gone, Brian sat on the side of the bed and held
his pounding head in his hands. He
looked over at the newspaper on the
floor.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Two years
earlier
Life had settled down on
Justin had bounced back from their setback very
quickly. Even though he was not
readmitted to PIFA, Ben had pulled some strings and gotten the young man
enrolled in the art program at Carnegie
Mellon. Justin kept working at
the diner and moved on. As
Justin’s life surged forward, Brian’s resentment towards his lover
grew to epic proportions.
Logically, Brian knew his situation was a result of his own decisions,
but logic was not what was driving his thoughts during that
period. Depression washed over
him like the tide washing in and Brian knew he was
drowning. Feeling he had no other
choice, Brian decided to leave
He began plotting his escape one night after Justin had gone
home. Arranging to sell the loft
and the ‘vette, Brian liquidated all of his
assets. The only concession he
made was to leave enough money for Gus and Justin’s
tuition. An account was set up
for Justin with the understanding that withdrawls
were to be made and sent to Carnegie Mellon only and Gus’s account was
set up in trust with Justin as the
trustee. Brian knew his young
lover would use the money properly for Gus. He didn’t trust Melanie
and Lindsey to not use the money for their own
expenses. Arranging to have a
letter explaining the accounts delivered to Justin a couple of weeks after
his departure, Brian was ready to leave.
Having no destination in mind, he simply hitchhiked out of
town.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Present Day
Justin looked over the newspaper.
It was two years from the day Brian had
disappeared. Whenever Brian’s
name crossed his mind tears sprung into his
eyes. The young artist still
had no idea what had happened to his older
lover. For all he knew the man
was dead. When Brian first
disappeared he had hired private investigators but to no
avail. Brian Kinney had for all
intensive purposes fallen off the face of the
earth.
The ringing telephone jolted him out of his
thoughts.
“Hello?”
“Hey, Justin!”
“Hey, Michael, what’s up?”
“Nothing. Ben and
I just wanted to see if you and Gus wanted to come over for dinner
tonight.”
“You are so transparent Mikey. Are you two afraid I will do something
drastic on this tragic anniversary?”
“Fuck you, Boy Wonder!”
Michael still called Justin by his nickname, but now it was an
endearment. “Do you want
to come over or not?”
“Yeah, we’ll come over.
Besides, we can start brainstorming the next issue of
‘Rage.’”
The two had continued with the comic and it had become very
lucrative. Both men could use
the money. Justin was very diligent
with the money Brian had left behind and had invested it wisely to secure
Gus’s future. Once Ted emerged
from rehab, he went back to work as a financial
advisor.
Justin was the first member of the family to trust Ted with money
again. Everyone else was still
very wary of trusting Ted and against his better judgment, Ted was the first
person he went to when he learned about the two bank
accounts. Two years later, Ted
had yet to let him down.
The slamming of the front door signaled that Gus was home from
school.
“Pops?”
“In the kitchen, Gus.”
The five year old image of Brian Kinney came barreling in the room
and into Justin’s arms.
“Hi Pops!”
Justin smiled at the little boy he loved so much, “Hey kiddo,
how was school?”
“It was ok. We had
art today. Did you know that
some kids eat paste? It was so
gross.”
“Well, Gus, I seem to remember just last year someone enjoying
paste as a snack.”
“Well, I was only four
then.” Gus rolled his eyes
as only a world experienced five year old could.
Justin nodded with intense understanding, “Well, I guess you’re
just smarter than those kids.”
He immediately began to tickle the little
boy.
Gus squirmed out of his arms.
“Pops, stop it!”
“Ok, Gussy!” Justin used the nickname Gus
hated. “Do you want to go
to dinner at Uncle Michael and Uncle
Ben’s?”
Gus clapped his hands, “Yes, yes,
yes!”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Two years
earlier
Justin hadn’t heard from Brian for two days and he was beginning
to worry. Brian’s cell phone
was turned off and phone calls to the loft remained
unanswered. Deciding to figure
out what was going on, Justin went to the loft only to find the locks and
the alarm code changed. A visit
to the super’s office told Justin that Mr. Kinney had sold the
loft. For the first time in over
a year, Justin felt the onslaught of a panic
attack.
The rest of the family was too preoccupied with their own problems
to worry about Brian’s
disappearance. Michael and Ben
were fighting the legal system to get custody of Hunter, Ted and Emmett were
dealing with the aftermath of Ted’s drug addiction and trip to rehab,
and Melanie and Lindsey were busy preparing for the new
baby.
Two weeks later, Justin received the certified letter informing him
about the bank accounts Brian had set up for him and
Gus. Holding the letter in his
hands, the young artist realized Brian was truly gone and not coming
back. Collapsing to the floor
in sobs, Justin mourned the loss of the only man he had ever
loved.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Present Day
Brian looked around the hotel room he had been holed up in for two
weeks. Since leaving
Brian had mentally shut down. The demons that plagued him were too
strong. Chemically induced escape
was the only thing he could do to outrun the
memories. Sometimes, not even
drugs or booze could block out the visions of his
past. When he slept, thoughts
of Justin haunted him. There
were times when Brian couldn’t remember why he had left, but once the
booze and the drugs faded his resentment towards Justin and perceived role
in the downfall of Brian Kinney came crashing
back. Those resentments would
push him into another binge of self destruction.
Staring at the newspaper, Brian felt memories wash over him
again. Seeing the beautiful blonde
sucking his cock, kissing him, smiling at him brought tears to Brian’s
eyes. For the first time in two
years, Brian had lucid thoughts about Justin and they weren’t filled
with anger, they were filled with love.
Standing up and staggering to the bathroom, Brian looked into the
mirror and studied his reflection for the first time in two
years. The reflection staring
back at him was a stranger. Staring
back at him was a shadow of the former Brian
Kinney. His eyes had none of
their former depth, his skin was sallow, and his chestnut hair had strands
of gray. For the first time since
he had left
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Justin and Michael were sitting in the dining room discussing ideas
for “Rage.” After finishing
dinner, Ben and Hunter took the kids out for ice
cream. Ben knew that Michael
and Justin needed some time alone.
Since Brian had disappeared, the two men had gravitated towards each
other and surprisingly became friends.
Justin had been the one who sat with Michael when Leah had been
born. Michael was the one who
stayed on Justin’s couch for two weeks when Ben and Michael realized
how fragile the younger man’s emotional state was after Brian’s
departure. Three years of resentment
towards each other had evaporated when Brian left and the two men had become
each other’s primary support system.
Michael noticed Justin rubbing one of the leather bracelets that had
adorned his wrists for the last eighteen
months. “How are you
doing?”
Looking up at Michael, Justin thought before
answering. “I’m
ok. I mean it’s still hard,
but everyday it gets a little easier.
Having Gus around makes it better.
The more I think about it though the angrier I
get. If he wanted out he could
have just told me. Pulling this
fucking disappearing act was just damn
cowardly.”
Michael recognized Justin’s anxiety level rising and placed a
reassuring hand on the younger man’s
wrist. “I know it
was. He was a selfish prick for
leaving you and Gus the way he did.
We’ll probably never know
why. You want to know the
truth?”
Justin was slowly calming down, he sniffled before answering
Michael.
“What?”
“There are times that I hope he is
dead. That’s the only way
I can make sense about having no word from him for two
years. The only way I can justify
him not being here after Melanie and Lindsey
…” Michael’s voice
trailed off.
“I know, Michael, I’ve thought the same thing
too. You and I both need to believe
that because if he’s alive somewhere than he really is a selfish, self
centered son of a bitch who abandoned all of us, and our illusions about
him would be shattered forever.”
The two men shared a look of
understanding. They were sitting
at the table in silence when Ben, Hunter, Gus, and Leah got
home.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Brian sat in the waiting room of the
Sitting in the little hotel in
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Eighteen months
earlier
Michael was worried about Justin.
The young artist had slowly been pulling away since Brian’s
disappearance six months ago.
Everyone had been so wrapped up in their own lives. Brian’s departure
wasn’t at the forefront of anyone’s
concern. Everyone was certainly
concerned that Brian had gone missing, but when the money came for Justin’s
tuition and for Gus, the family just figured Brian couldn’t handle the
responsibility and had beat a hasty retreat.
Michael knew that Justin was devastated by the family’s lack
of concern for his lover. So
much had been happening around them, no one noticed as Justin started to
slip away. Michael knew he needed
to pull the blonde artist back into the family fold, by force if
necessary.
Justin had given Michael a key to his apartment for emergencies and
the brunette figured this was one.
The young artist had cancelled on another “Rage” brainstorming
session and Michael began to worry that something was seriously
wrong.
The scene that greeted him chilled his
bones. The young blonde was sitting
on the bathroom floor slashing his
wrists. “Justin, what the
fuck are you doing?”
Justin looked up with a dead look in his blue eyes, “Go away
Michael.”
The older man raced to his friend and grabbed the razor blade, he
immediately grabbed some towels and began to wrap the younger man’s
wrists. “What the hell do
you think you’re
doing?”
“It’s better this way. Michael, I can’t do this
anymore.”
“If you kill yourself than you are no better than that selfish
prick. Don’t you dare let
that coward win?”
Justin passed out from the blood
loss. Michael carried him to
the living room and dialed 911.
While waiting for the paramedics, Michael felt a fury towards Brian
Kinney that scared him. If Brian
had been in the room, Michael would have killed him for doing this to
Justin. The young artist was
the only person that ever truly loved Brian enough to put up with all his
bullshit. The only thing he wanted
was Brian’s love in return and the selfish prick could do nothing else
but run away.
Justin remained in the hospital for three
days. Michael and Ben knew how
much the younger man hated hospitals and wanted to get him released as soon
as possible. The doctors agreed
provided that someone stays with Justin for
awhile. It was agreed that Michael
would stay at Justin’s while the young artist
recovered.
Those two weeks were hell.
Justin had nightmares every night.
Briefly Michael wondered if this was what it had been like for Brian
when Justin lived with him after the
bashing. For the first time in
six months, Michael had a sympathetic thought for his
friend.
Justin’s recovery was complete the night Leah was
born. Lindsey knew that Michael
had been staying with Justin, so she called Justin’s apartment when
Melanie went into labor. Ben
was out of town on a lecture and Hunter was staying at Debbie’s so the
two friends rushed off to the hospital.
Michael was a nervous wreck and Justin did everything he could to
calm him. Insisting that Justin
be with him when he met his daughter, the two men’s journey towards
friendship was complete.
Michael’s heart surged with love as he held his daughter and
for the first time in almost four years he was glad that the friend beside
him was Justin Taylor and not Brian Kinney.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
October
2006
Brian Kinney looked at the LA skyline from his office on
Researching
Eleven months later he was a senior executive with a partnership looming
on the horizon. After his release
from rehab, Brian had found a therapist in
LA. Knowing that his six weeks
at Cedar House had just been the beginning, the ad exec was determined to
continue his redemption. Working
with his therapist allowed Brian to fully examine the truths of his
past.
The hardest part had been sorting out his feelings for
Justin. Acknowledging that he
loved the younger man was not the
problem. Years of fear and
insecurities had fled to the surface when his life was falling apart and
Justin moved on. For the first
time Brian Kinney had no idea who he was.
No longer did the titles “King of Liberty Avenue” or
“Advertising god” apply to him and Brian found himself with no
identity. He had been knocked
off his pedestal and his life was in shattered
pieces. Instead of dealing with
it then and moving forward to a life with Justin, Brian did what he always
did and ran away.
Being away from his past allowed him to discover who he really
was. Discovering that the things
he liked differed greatly from the hobbies of the former Brian Kinney surprised
him. Brian found himself referring
to his former persona in the third person. He truly believed that person
didn’t exist anymore. The
question remained would the one man he loved even like the person he had
become?
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
October
2004
Justin was at Lindsey and Melanie’s babysitting Gus and
Leah. The two women had their
monthly board meeting at the GLC but were due home at any
moment. A thunderstorm had come
into the city and the young artist briefly wondered how the roads
were.
Working on some drawing for class, the ringing of the telephone
interrupted him.
Assuming it would be Lindsey or Melanie, Justin picked up on the first
ring.
“Hello?”
“Justin? This is
Carl Horvath.”
“Hi Carl, are you looking for Linds or
Mel? They’re not home right
now.”
“I know Justin.
There’s been an accident.”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Ben and Michael hurried over to Lindsey and Melanie’s
house. Ben stayed with the kids
while Michael and Justin hurried to the
hospital. Carl met them in the
emergency room. The look on his
face froze the two men in their tracks.
They knew their friends were gone.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Ben, Michael, and Justin sat in an office that belonged to one of
the partners in Melanie’s law firm.
They were going over the details of Melanie and Lindsey’s
wills. Guardianship of Leah went
to Michael and guardianship of Gus went to
Justin. The lawyer explained
that the arrangements for Gus had been changed after Brian
disappeared. They briefly considered
having Michael and Ben raise both children, but knew that would be a
mistake. Their oldest child’s
relationship with Justin was rock solid.
For all purposes Justin was Gus’s father and the two women would
not deny that. Stipulations were
also put into the will that should Brian ever return it would be impossible
for him to challenge Justin for custody unless the younger man
agreed. Melanie had taken out
life insurance policies a couple of years before and one would go to Leah
and the other to Gus. Their wills
also specified that all of their possessions were to be sold and divided
equally between Michael and Justin.
Although they were technically two families, they naturally merged
into one. All of their friends
rallied around to help them with the difficult transition and soon everyone
was relatively settled. Justin
and Gus lived in Justin’s apartment.
The young artist briefly considered using some of the money to buy
a house but decided against it. Gus
had gone through so much upheaval losing his mothers that Justin didn’t
want to uproot the child again.
Over the next three years the close knit family continued to grow
and flourish. Hunter completed
high school and went to
The winds of change were about to descend on the small family as the
time came for the prodigal son to return.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
October
2007
Brian sat in his office after a partners
meeting. On the agenda was
expansion. Simon Wentworth was
looking to increase the agencies exposure and that meant expanding to the
east. Old Man Wentworth had been
wanting to expand into the east coast market for awhile.
During the meeting Simon made
it clear that he wanted to compete against Vanguard. That meant going to
Brian was hand picked to open the
Finding Cynthia still at Vanguard, his former assistant was the first
person Brian contacted. To say
Cynthia was shocked would be an
understatement. The blonde woman
read him the riot act for twenty minutes about his disappearing
act. The words stupid, selfish,
and prick were repeated over and over again.
“Cynthia, are you finished?”
“No, Brian, I haven’t even
started.”
“Well, save your strength for when I get back to
“You’re coming back?”
“Wentworth wants me to open an office
there. That’s why I’m
calling you. I want you to help me.”
Cynthia had kept in periodic touch with Brian’s friends over
the years and she wondered if Brian knew anything about the changes that
had taken place. “Are you
sure you really want to do this?”
This statement confused Brian, “Of course, I’m
sure. Besides, I think I have
some fences to mend.”
Cynthia snorted into the phone.
“That would be putting it
mildly. Seriously Brian, it might
be better if you don’t come back.”
Unsure of what Cynthia meant, Brian just ignored
her. “I’ll be there
in two weeks to start setting up the
office. See if you can scout
some office space and we’ll go there.”
Settling back into their old routine, Cynthia just
laughed. “Whatever,
boss.”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Justin was sitting at home in his
apartment. He was due to pick
Gus up from school in a half hour when someone knocked on his
door. Assuming it was his boyfriend,
Jason, Justin rose to answer the door.
Opening the door, Justin found an Armani clad Brian Kinney standing
on the other side. At that moment
everything went black.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Ben was waiting at home when Michael arrived with
Gus. The school had called Michael
when Justin failed to pick Gus up.
Justin had put Michael in Gus’s file as an emergency
contact. A feeling of terror
immediately engulfing him, Michael raced to fetch
Gus.
“Hi Gus!”
“Uncle Ben!! Is Leah
awake?”
“No kiddo, she’s sleeping.”
“Can I go see her?”
“Sure, just be quiet.”
Nodding quickly, Gus raced from the living
room. Ben noticed the wild look
in Michael’s eyes. He knew
his lover was very worried about Justin.
Forgetting to pick Gus up at school was something the blonde artist
would not do.
Laying a comforting hand on Michael’s arms, Ben whispered softly,
“Why don’t you call first?”
Nodding Michael grabbed for the
phone. It rang four times before
the answering machine picked up.
“Justin are you there, it’s
Michael. Pick up if you’re
there, the school called …”
“Mikey.”
The phone almost dropped from his hand as Michael could only gasp,
“Brian!?”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Brian was shocked as he watched the young blonde collapse to the floor
in front of him. Feeling his
protective nature kick in, he gently picked Justin up and laid him upon the
couch. Remembering the few times
Justin passed out after the bashing, Brian knew better than to wake
him. The phone began ringing
after he got Justin settled on the couch.
Knowing that a major emotional confrontation would be waiting for
him once Justin woke up, Brian hoped he would sleep for a
while. Just seeing Justin after
four years opened up Brian’s heart for the first time in
years. Planning to ignore the
phone, Michael’s voice floated over the answering
machine.
“Justin are you there, it’s
Michael. Pick up if you’re
there, the school called …”
“Mikey.”
The gasp from the other end of the line filled the small apartment,
“Brian!?”
“No Mikey, it’s Santa.”
“He’s sleeping on the
couch. He passed out, is he
ok?”
“Stay there until I get
there.” Brian heard the
phone hang up before he could answer.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Michael was shaking as he hung up the
phone. Feeling Ben’s arms
encircle his waist, he leaned into his lover’s
touch. “Did I hear
correctly? Is Brian over at
Justin’s?”
“Yeah, I need to get over there.”
“Any idea what happened?”
“He just said Justin passed out and was
asleep.”
“Fuck!”
“I know, I need to get over there before Justin wakes
up.”
“I know baby.”
“Why Ben? If he’s
stayed away for four years, why come back
now?”
“Only one person knows that
answer.”
“Let’s just hope I don’t kill him before I get my
answer.”
“Just go and take care of
Justin. We’ll deal with
Brian later.”
Michael only nodded before heading out the
door.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Michael let himself into Justin’s apartment and found Brian Kinney
standing over the couch watching Justin
sleep. Brian turned and greeted
Michael with one of his dazzling smiles.
Crossing the room, Brian tried to embrace the shorter man,
“Mikey!”
Recoiling from his touch, Michael glared at Brian with a stare the
ad-exec had never seen. “You
can go now Brian.”
“Excuse me?”
“I said you can go now.
It will be better if you are not here when he wakes
up.”
“Look Michael …”
“No, you look. I
don’t know where the fuck you have been for four years or why you came
back now, but it would be for the best if you just go back to wherever you
came from.”
Brian’s face reflected the shock he felt from Michael’s
words. “Mikey
…”
“Get out Brian!”
Only able to nod, Brian quickly made his way to the
door. “Michael, I’m
staying at the Hilton. Will you
call me?”
“Probably not.”
“Will you ask Justin to?”
“I’ll give him the
message. It will be up to him
if he calls you.”
Nodding his understanding, Brian left the small
apartment. For the first time
since deciding to return to
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
About an hour later Justin began to
stir. Opening his eyes, he saw
Michael sitting beside him. Relief
flooded through his body as he grabbed Michael into a fierce
hug. “Oh god, Michael, I’m
so glad it’s you. I thought
I was hallucinating. I thought
I saw Brian.”
“You weren’t hallucinating, Brian was
here.”
Justin felt his body jolt like it had been struck by
lightening.
“What?? How??
Why??”
“I don’t know Justin.
I kicked him out as soon as I got
here.”
“He looked the same … didn’t
he?”
“Yeah … he did.”
“He’s not dead?”
“Apparently not.”
“Why is he here?”
“I don’t know, but I am going to find
out.”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Ben brought Gus back to Justin’s
apartment. The three men decided
not to tell Gus about Brian’s apparent
return. The young boy had been
asking about Brian for years, and they had always reassured him that his
dad loved him, but couldn’t be with
him. Brian’s sudden reappearance
could cause the boy great distress.
Ben decided to head home.
Hunter was babysitting Leah and the young college student had only
so much patience with his baby sister.
Michael decided he would go see
Brian. The three men had discussed
it and came to a consensus that Michael would be the best to handle Brian
right now. Justin was still too shaken up.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Brian was smoking in his suite at the
Hilton. Cigarettes were the one
addiction he had been unable to give up.
His therapist figured with all the addictions he had conquered, cigarettes
could wait. Lying on his bed,
Brian allowed the memories to flow over
him. He knew that his return
to
The phone rang and startled him.
“Hello?”
“I’m downstairs in the
bar. Meet me down
here.”
“Ok, Mikey.”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Brian found Michael sitting at the bar drinking a
beer. Pulling up a stool beside
his old friend, Brian sat down and just looked at
Michael. Signaling for the bartender,
Michael started to order a double Beam for
Brian. Brian interrupted him
and ordered a club soda. Cocking
an eyebrow at his former friend, Michael decided not to say
anything.
“Is Justin ok?”
“Apart from thinking he is having hallucinations, he’s
fine.”
“Hallucinations?”
“Yeah … you.”
“Oh.”
“Brian why are you here?
“This is my home.”
“No, it’s not. You
left this place behind. You gave
no word to any of us.
Nothing! Not even a postcard
to let us know you are alright.”
“Mikey …” Brian hoped to reason with the other
man.
“No, Brian, you need to
leave. Just go back to wherever
you have been and leave us alone.”
“I’m moving back here.
The firm I work for is opening an office here and I am the senior
partner.”
“No, Brian, you can’t come
back.”
“It’s already done Michael.”
Hanging his head, Michael tried to wrestle with the thoughts that
were plaguing him. Brian was
just going to waltz back into their lives like nothing
happened. If he couldn’t
get Brian to leave, the least Michael could do was protect his
family. Justin was just starting
to move on. He was dating a nice
guy named Jason and Brian was slowly becoming a part of the distant
past. There was Gus to consider
as well. Brian’s sudden
re-entry into the seven year old’s life could
only cause the boy distress.
Brian’s next question pierced his thoughts and chilled him to
the bone.
“Can you give me Melanie and Lindsey’s new
number? Their old one appears
to have been disconnected. Did
they move? I want to see
Gus.”
Daggers flew from Michael’s eyes, and Brian suddenly felt very
cold. “My God,
Brian. Just when I think you
can’t get any more heartless, you continue to amaze
me. You never once looked into
us, never once wanted to see how we were
doing?”
“Michael quit the dramatics.
Just you give me the munchers new
number.”
“I can’t Brian, Melanie and Lindsey are
dead.” For a brief second
Michael wished he could take back his words, Brian looked like someone had
stabbed his heart.
“What?
When?”
“Three years ago, car accident.”
“What about Gus … Melanie’s
baby?”
“Leah lives with Ben and me.”
“And Gus?”
“He’s with Justin.
Lindsey and Melanie changed their wills shortly after you disappeared
and named Justin Gus’s guardian.”
“I want to see him.”
“That’s Justin’s
decision.” Michael wanted
to embrace his old friend, but decided against
it. He couldn’t forgive
Brian, not yet. “I’ll
ask him to call you.”
Brian could only nod.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
For the first time in two years, Brian wished he still
drank. The information Michael
gave him had rocked him to the core.
Foolishly assuming he could walk back into his old life, Brian had
ignored all the warnings of his therapist and friends in
LA. Julia, his therapist, had
warned him about going back to
Staring at the phone, he knew he needed to call
Julia. She was right. He had
been living in a dream world. He
had seen only a brief glimpse of the life his family and friend’s lived
now and he was almost ready to begin undoing all the progress he had
made.
“Hello?”
“Julia, it’s Brian.”
“I was hoping I would hear from
you.”
“You were right.”
“Was I?”
Brian hated it when she would do
this. Julia had an amazing knack
for making him examine things … his life … his
mistakes. “I was living
in a dream world. Thinking I
could come back like nothing had changed.”
“And it has?”
“Yes, it fucking has!
Michael hates me. Justin
fainted at the sight of me. Lindsey
and Melanie are dead …”
“Gus’s mothers are dead?
Where is your son?”
“With Justin.
Fuck! I don’t even
know all the details. Do you
know how badly I wanted to drink tonight?
Just forget everything and escape.”
“But you called me.”
Heaving a heavy sigh, “I called
you.”
“That’s a good sign.”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Brian and Julia talked for another
hour. Apparently, Julia’s
sister, Tamara, was a therapist in
“Tamara’s good, Brian.
Some even say she’s better than
me.”
“That’s impossible.”
“Asshole! Seriously,
you’ll be in good hands. You
can still call me anytime you want.
I am not giving up on you.”
“Thanks Julia.”
Brian hung up the phone and was about to get ready for bed when the
phone rang again.
“Brian?”
“Justin?”
“Yeah, um … Michael told me where you were
staying. He also told me you
didn’t know anything about Mel and
Linds. I’m sorry you had
to find out like that.”
“Well, I guess I had it
coming. I would like to see
Gus.”
“Brian … I don’t know.”
“Justin, he’s my son.”
“Your son that you walked out
on. Your son who has been struggling
for four years wondering what happened to
Dada. He’s my son now and
I will protect him … even from you.”
“I don’t want to hurt
him. Don’t make me have
to seek legal counsel Justin.”
Where the fuck did that come
from? Brian is suddenly
afraid as he feels his old walls and defense mechanisms come
back. The iciness of Justin’s
response terrifies him.
“You have no legal recourse,
Brian. Don’t forget Melanie
was a top notch lawyer. She covered
every possible loophole you could try in order to get
Gus. It is my decision to let
you see him and it’s my decision to
refuse.”
“Justin …”
“Michael told me you’ve moved back
here.”
“Yes, I have.”
Brian heard his Sunshine sigh, “I won’t keep Gus away from
you Brian, but we have to tread very
carefully.”
“What do you mean?”
“He’s seven years old Brian and he still doesn’t understand
why his Dada left him. Hell,
none of us understand, but we’re adults and he’s a little
boy. Let me explain to him that
you are back and then he can decide.”
“I thought you said he missed
me.”
“Of course, he has, but that doesn’t mean he won’t
be distressed that you’ve come back.
Let me talk to him.
I’ll call you in a few days.”
Conceding this point to Justin, Brian found himself
agreeing. The former lovers said
goodbye, not ‘later’ but
goodbye. Brian wondered if he
would ever have a life with Justin again.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
“Justin, you can’t be
serious? How can you even think
about letting Brian see Gus?”
Justin had invited Ben and Michael over to discuss the ‘Brian
situation.’ Over the years,
the three men had always discussed matters of the children
together.
“Michael, Brian is still Gus’s
father. I can’t deny him
seeing his son.”
“Why not, he’s the asshole who walked
away!”
“I know and now he’s
back. What the fuck should we
do? It wouldn’t be right
to keep Gus from him. What happens
when Gus finds out he’s back and learns we kept them
apart? I’m going to talk
to Gus, let him know what’s happened, and let him
decide. It’s the right thing
to do.”
Michael started to protest, but Ben stopped
him. “Michael, Justin’s
right. Whatever the three of
us may feel about Brian and his leaving, he’s still Gus’s
dad. You know as well as any
of us how much Gus has missed him.”
Against his better judgment, Michael agreed.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Justin and Gus were finishing dinner when Justin decided to broach
the ‘Brian’ subject.
“Gus, there’s something I need to tell
you.”
“Sure Pops, what’s up?”
“Sit down, kiddo.”
Once Gus was settled with him on the couch, Justin decided to
continue. “Gus, your dad
is back.”
“What?”
“Your dad has moved back to
“He’s back?
Why? Where has he
been?” Justin was always
amazed at how Gus seemed wise beyond his years.
“I don’t know Gus.
I just know that he’s here and wants to see
you. It’s your decision
to see him or not. If you don’t
want to, you don’t have to.”
“Pops, I want to see him.”
“Ok, Gus.”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Justin called Brian and invited him to the apartment he shared with
Gus. Despite Gus’s insistence
that he wanted to see his dad, the young boy was
nervous. Justin decided the
father/son reunion should happen in a familiar
environment. Gus was a nervous
wreck waiting for his father to arrive.
Justin would have been amused at his son’s antics if he wasn’t
so nervous himself.
A knock at the door jolted father and son from their
thoughts. “Gus, do you want
to get the door?”
The young boy nodded and opened the
door. Father and son stood before
each other for the first time in four years.
“Dad?”
Brian fell to his knees before his
son. “Yeah, Sonny Boy,
it’s me.”
Gus launched himself into Brian’s arms and held on
tight. Justin felt tears well
up in his eyes as he watched the reunion.
Brian picked Gus up and walked inside.
“Hey, Sunshine!”
Justin grimaced at the old
endearment. “Hi,
Brian. Come in, sit
down. Can I get you something
to drink? I’ve got beer.
I’m sure I have some Beam somewhere.”
“Just some water, please.”
Raising his eyes at Brian’s request, Justin decided to let it
go. Gus was talking a mile a
minute to his dad. He insisted
on showing Brian his room and the older man happily followed his
son.
While Brian and Gus played in the young boy’s room, Justin prepared
lunch. Brian’s reappearance
was causing such a turmoil in his life.
He had suppressed his feelings for Brian so long
ago. The next night was his
anniversary with Jason and he was having feelings for Brian all over
again. When would life ever be
simple?
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Justin and Jason were having dinner at
Papagano’s to celebrate their one year
anniversary. They had eaten at
the elegant restaurant on their first date, so it was the perfect choice
for their anniversary.
“Justin?”
“Hmmm?”
“Where are you?
You’re like a million miles
away.”
“I’m sorry. I just have a lot on my
mind.”
“What’s going on?”
Justin took a deep breath.
He was unsure how to tell his boyfriend about Brian’s
return. Jason had been told about
Brian Kinney. He knew the profound
impact the man had on Justin’s life.
Jason also knew that Gus was Brian’s
son. “Brian Kinney has moved
back to Pittsburgh.”
“Brian Kinney?”
“Yeah.”
“So I guess, that’s it.”
“What are you talking about?”
“Brian Kinney, the great love of your life has
returned. I assume that means
we are over.”
“What? Jason, no!”
“I worried this day would
come. I guess I never really
believed it would. I’m going
to go.”
Justin saw a strange look pass over his boyfriend’s
face. “What the fuck is
going on Jason?”
“Look Justin, we’ve had a good year, but it’s not going
to work out between us. Especially
now that he is back.”
“Look, Brian being back in Pittsburgh has nothing to do with
us. I have no interest in
him. I love
you.”
Jason looked deep into Justin’s
eyes. “Don’t lie,
Justin. I’ve always known
that he comes first in your heart.
I just believed he would never come back and I wouldn’t have
to compete. He’s back and
no matter what you say, he still comes
first. I’m not going to
hang around and wait for you to realize it.”
Justin watched his boyfriend leave the
table. He wanted to call out
to Jason and tell him he was wrong, but he
couldn’t. As much as he
couldn’t admit it, Brian Kinney owned his
heart. He always had and he always
would.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Michael held Justin as he cried.
The younger man had arrived to pick up Gus, but Michael recognized
the look in his friend’s eyes.
“Will I ever be free of him,
Michael?”
“I don’t know Justin, I don’t
know.”
“Why did he have to come
back? All of us were doing fine
with him gone. He has to come
back and turn our lives upside down.
We still don’t even know where he was or what he was doing, but
he comes back here and just expects to pick up where he left
off.”
“I know. The time
is going to come when he is going to have to answer for what he
did. That is if he wants to truly
be a part of our lives again. Mom
was livid when I told her he was back.
Ted and Emmett were angry too.
Unless Brian Kinney starts explaining some things, he will remain
on the outskirts of our lives.”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Brian remained on the outskirts of his family’s
life. He saw Deb at the diner,
but she was always cool to him. Ted
and Emmett were the same. The
only person who seemed to welcome him back was
Vic. Brian visited with Vic whenever
Debbie was working. Never sharing
the truth about his disappearance, the two men fell into a comfortable
routine.
Justin was having dinner with Vic one night when he decided to bring
up Brian.
“Vic, what has he told you?”
“About what?”
“Oh, I don’t know, the last four
years.”
“We don’t talk about it.”
“Not at all?”
“You know Brian.
He’ll come clean when he’s
ready. I’ve loved him for
a long time and I know that he will tell us when he’s
ready.”
“So we’re just supposed to welcome him back with open
arms?”
“Justin, you’re forgetting how well you knew
Brian. You of all people should
know whatever caused him to leave had to have been
huge. You should also know that
in his fucked up reasoning, leaving you was what he thought was the best
thing. He had to have been wrestling
some major demons to leave like he did.”
“Why did he have to leave?
We could have helped him through whatever was going
on.”
“This is Brian we’re talking
about. In his mind subjecting
you to his demons was not an option, so he did the only thing he thought
he could do. He
left. Was it the right
decision? No, but that’s
how Brian’s mind works.”
Justin contemplated Vic’s words and wondered what it was that
drove Brian away.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Several weeks later, Brian asked Justin if he could take Gus for the
weekend. He had seen Gus a lot,
but only for a few hours at a time.
Other than Vic, his relationship with Gus was the only one he seemed
to be rebuilding. He never hung
out with the guys. Woody’s
and Babylon were no longer his scene.
Invitations were never extended to Debbie’s family
dinners.
Justin agreed to let Brian take Gus for the
weekend. Brian said something
about giving him a weekend off for
romance. Knowing that Justin
had a boyfriend hurt Brian, but he realized he couldn’t expect the blonde
to wait around forever.
Father and son had a great time.
Gus eagerly welcomed Brian back into his
life. This was something Brian
would always be grateful to Justin for.
His son loved him and never forgot
him. On Saturday night, Gus got
a little upset and wanted to go home.
Brian was worried. His
son was quite adamant about going home, but Brian didn’t want to interrupt
any plans Justin may have.
“Hey, Sunshine!”
“Brian, is everything ok?
Is Gus alright?”
“Well, he’s a little homesick and wants to come
home.”
“Oh. That’s
fine, bring him home.”
“We’re not ruining any plans, are
we?”
“No, just house cleaning.”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Brian and Gus arrived at Justin’s place and found Justin cooking
dinner. Having been given a key
to Justin’s apartment, Brian let them in.
“Hey guys! I’m
cooking spaghetti.”
“Yeah!!! That’s
my favorite.”
“Go wash up Gus. Have
you eaten?” Justin’s
question was directed at Brian.
“No, we didn’t have a
chance. Is Jason
coming?”
Unsure how to answer, Justin opted for the truth, “No, we’re
not seeing each other anymore.”
“Oh. I’m sorry,
Justin.”
“No worries, I’m just destined to be single, I
guess.”
The three men ate dinner in a peaceful
silence. Gus kept up a steady
stream of conversation so Brian and Justin didn’t have to speak to each
other.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Once Gus was tucked into bed, Brian decided to
leave. He turned at the door
and saw Justin staring at him.
“Later?”
“Later.”
Justin watched Brian leave and then turned into the living
room. He noticed a notebook on
the coffee table. It wasn’t
one of his, so he picked it up and started to look through
it. It was a
journal. Brian’s
journal. The first entry was
dated two years ago, when he was in rehab.
Several hours later Justin finished reading Brian’s
words. Beginning the journal
in rehab, Brian had continued it when he moved to LA and began working with
a therapist named Julia. Justin
cried as he read Brian’s inner most
thoughts. The pages exposed
Brian’s inner most thoughts.
All his fears, all his demons.
Justin knew that Brian didn’t leave the journal by
accident.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Justin stood outside Brian’s hotel
room. He needed to speak to the
older man. He woke up Mikey and
begged him to come over and watch Gus.
Even though Michael was annoyed at being awakened in the middle of
the night, he had come over.
The door opened and Justin looked at Brian for the first
time. He really looked at
him. Crows feet had begun to
appear around Brian’s eyes.
Silver strands blended through Brian’s hazel
locks. For a moment Justin wondered
why Brian hadn’t covered the gray with hair
color. The man before him was
beautiful.
“You left this.”
Justin held up the journal.
“I know.”
“Did you leave it for me to
read?”
“Yes.”
Justin pushed past Brian and walked into the suite and turned on his
former lover with blue eyes blazing, “You are a selfish
prick!”
The older man only hung his head, “I
know.”
“You didn’t have to leave
us. Everything you wrote in this
damn book, we could have faced it
together. That’s what lovers
do, that’s what partners do.”
“I know.”
“Then why?”
“I was scared.”
“Scared of what?”
“Scared of subjecting you to
this. When I left I hated
you.”
Justin felt the air leave his
body.
“What?”
“You moved on so easily.
You were knocked down and just got up and kept
going. I lost
everything! I looked in the mirror
and saw nothing. Brian Kinney
was gone! I was just going through
the motions, no feelings … nothing!”
“How can you say that?
We were so close …”
“I was pretending. I
didn’t feel anything. The
best thing I could do was go.”
“So you left us all behind.
Well, fuck you Brian! Your
leaving wasn’t the best thing for
me!” Unfastening the leather
cuffs that had adorned his wrists for over three years, Justin held his scars
for Brian to see.
Seeing the scars on Justin’s wrists knocked Brian to his
core. He fell to his knees and
traced the scars with his fingers.
“When?”
“About six months after you
left. I didn’t
understand. I thought we were
ok. Better than ok, we were great
and suddenly you were gone. I
agonized over what I had done to make you
leave. Once again, I wasn’t
enough for you.”
Brian embraced Justin around the waist and laid his cheek on the young
artist’s stomach. “It
wasn’t you.”
Absently threading his fingers through Brian’s hair, Justin
contemplated his answer, “I didn’t know
that.”
“How did you survive?”
“Michael.”
“Michael?”
“He and I became friends after you
left. He saw that I was slipping
away. He found me, slitting my
wrists. After I was released
from the hospital, he slept on my couch for two
weeks. I finally snapped out
of my depression the night Leah was born and I never looked
back.”
“I’m glad you were there for each
other.”
The two men continued to hold each
other. No other words were
necessary.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Although they did not reunite as lovers, Brian and Justin became
friends. Spending a lot of time
together, Justin truly learned about the man Brian had
become. He kept Brian’s
secrets to himself, but the rest of the family slowly welcomed him
back. The consensus was that
if Justin had let Brian back in and let him near Gus, they would
too. There was no discussion
about a romantic reconciliation between the two. So much had
happened. The bond developing
between them was stronger than anything that had been between them
before.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
April 2008
Brian’s birthday was approaching and Justin was agonizing over
what to do for him. The two men
were closer than they had ever been
before. Although they had not
shared any physical intimacies, their emotional connection was rock
solid.
Justin took Brian out to dinner for his
birthday. Agonizing for weeks
about what to do for the older man, Justin had finally arrived at the perfect
present. They had dinner at Le
Pommier.
As they were having coffee, Justin slid an envelope across the table
to Brian.
“Happy birthday,
Bri.”
Looking confused at the plain envelope that had been given to
him. “Don’t tell me
you’re giving me a gift certificate
Sunshine.”
Justin had the decency to blush.
“Just open it, Brian.”
Opening the envelope, Brian began the read the document
inside. Justin had given him
a legal document reinstating his parental rights to
Gus. “Justin, I don’t
understand.”
“You’re Gus’s dad.
In every way, but legally.
You should have that too.”
Tears sprang up in the older man’s hazel eyes, “I don’t
know what to say.”
“There’s nothing to say.
You’re Gus’s dad, you always have
been.”
“So, are we going to handle this like hetero divorced
parents? You get this weekend,
I get that one?”
“We could. Or we
could handle it like married hetero parents and raise our son
together.”
Brian couldn’t have been anymore
shocked. He was sure any chance
of a relationship with Justin was gone.
“Do you mean it?”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
The two men barely made it back to Justin’s apartment before
they started tearing at each other’s
clothes. They were clumsy and
awkward in their desire to taste each other after so
long. Clothes were strewn everywhere
and they collapsed onto Justin’s
bed.
Justin lay on the top of the comforter fully
exposed. His legs were spread
and his cock was fully erect. Brian
began to crawl towards him from the foot of the
bed. Engulfing the artist’s
cock in his mouth, Brian began to suck
greedily. Four years without
Justin’s dick was way too long.
No other man compared to Justin.
During his lost years, all men were a pale substitute for his
sunshine. Justin shot his load
down Brian’s throat quickly, it had been too
long. Once Justin had cum, Brian
slid his hands underneath Justin’s buttocks and guided his legs over
his shoulders. Justin quickly
produced a condom and lube, Brian prepared his
cock.
“Thinking you were going to get lucky
tonight?”
“Let’s just say I was
hoping.”
“Go easy, it’s been awhile.”
“What about Jason?”
“We never …”
Kissing his lover softly, “It’s been awhile for me too.”
“How long?”
“Since I went to rehab.”
Justin grabbed Brian’s lips into a fierce kiss as the older
man’s dick penetrated his ass.
They made love like the first time and fell asleep in each other’s
arms.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Michael let himself into Justin’s apartment the next
morning. Since he hadn’t
heard from the younger man, Michael decided to stop
in. Seeing the clothes strewn
around the apartment, he assumed the birthday dinner had gone
well. The mystery surrounding
Brian’s departure still hadn’t been revealed to Michael, but he
trusted Justin. If Justin was
willing to allow Brian back into the family fold, that was okay by Michael.
Peering into Justin’s bedroom, Michael found the lovers sleeping
peacefully in each other’s arms.
Seeing a look of contentment in Justin’s face that he hadn’t
seen in years, Michael decided to let them
sleep. Quickly scribbling a note
for Justin, Michael took his leave.
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
Justin awoke to the familiar feeling of Brian draped over
him. He snuggled back into his
lover’s embrace. He felt
Brian’s arms tighten around him.
Seeing the note pinned to the back of his bedroom door, Justin knew
he would have to get up.
“Bri, wake
up.”
“Hmmm?” Tightens
his arms around Justin.
“Bri, we have to get
up.”
“Why?” Justin
jabs his lover in the ribs and points towards the back of the
door. Tacked to the door is a
page from ‘Rage’ covered in black marker saying
“DINER!”
“I think we are expected
somewhere.”
Brian saw the note on the door,
“Fuck!”
“Not right now we’re not.”
*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*x*
The two men entered the diner hand in
hand. The entire family was already
there. Gus leaped into Brian’s
arms and hugged him. “Hi,
Dad!”
“Hey, Sonny Boy!”
A wet towel was slapped across the back of his
head.
“Ow,
Deb!”
“That’s for making Sunshine
late.” At that moment Brian
Kinney knew he had finally come home.
The End
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