Here I Go Impossible Again

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Justin stood outside the door so long the same nurse walked by him twice. When he heard her footsteps approaching for the third time, he forced himself to go in. Nothing Michael had said to him could have really prepared him for the sight of Brian bruised, bandaged, and still. Justin closed his eyes and gave silent thanks for the fact that Brian was sleeping. He had time to get himself together. He couldn't help wondering if it was this hard to see Brian hurt now, what would it have been like when they were together? Maybe Brian had been right then. Maybe Justin wasn't strong enough; maybe he wouldn't have been able to handle it. He quickly put a stop to those thoughts. He'd stopped making excuses for Brian years ago; he wasn't about to start again.

When Justin opened his eyes, he forced himself to look more closely at Brian. There were no IVs or monitors which he thought was a good sign. Brian was a little pale. There were some bruises and cuts on his face, but he didn't look sick. All in all it was better than Justin expected. He sat in the chair closest to the bed and waited for Brian to wake up. It only took a few minutes for the nerves to set in so he pulled out the sketchbook he'd brought. Though he was tempted, Justin didn't draw Brian. Instead he filled the page with anger and pain, with regret and sadness. All the things he'd been trying not to feel since Michael's phone call the night before.

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"Justin I need a favor." That was how it started.

"Hey Michael, I can get the new drawings to you a day or two early at the most."

"It's not about Rage."

"Michael," Justin had said in warning. It had taken time, but he'd finally convinced Michael they could only work on Rage together if they kept it strictly business. They never discussed their personal lives or anyone they once had in common. He couldn't let Michael change that.

"I wouldn't ask if it wasn't important. Brian was in an accident Monday."

"Is he. . .?" that was as much of the question as Justin could force out.

"He has a concussion, broken ribs, and they had to take his spleen out, but he'll be okay."

"Was he...?" Again Justin left the question unfinished, but this time it was because he hated having to ask it.

Michael knew what he meant, "No, he'd just left work. The other car blew a tire, and the driver lost control. He wasn't wearing his seatbelt though."

"Dick," Justin muttered under his breath. It was an old argument between the two of them. Brian only remembered to wear it about half the time. "I'm glad he'll be alright, but this doesn't have anything to do with me."

"Well the thing is, Brian's going to be released in a few days, but they don't want him going home alone."

Justin sighed. It was just like Michael to give him a bunch of information he didn't want when all he had to do was ask. "We're ahead of schedule right now, but if we need to extend the deadline, you know I won't care."

"That's good, but that's not what I was going to ask. I want you to stay with Brian."

Justin laughed; he couldn't help it. The idea was so ridiculous.

"Hey, I'm serious," Michael squeaked while somehow managing to sound offended.

"You can't be, Michael. There's no fucking way I'd even consider it."

"Someone has to do it," Michael said as if that mattered.

"I would have thought you'd jump at the chance to take care of Brian." Justin knew he was being cruel, but he didn't care. Michael had no right to ask this of him.

"I'm not doing it," there was a hint of defiance in Michael's voice.

"Lindsay."

"Lindsay's going back to Canada tomorrow. She has work, and Gus has school."

"Canada?" Justin asked before he remembered he wasn't supposed to care.

"Yeah, she and Mel and the kids moved there a few years ago."

"Really? Okay, Debbie can do it."

"Mom agrees with me that it should be you." Now Michael was starting to sound smug.

"Ted."

"Will be busy running Kinnetik."

"Emmett."

"Won't last an hour, and you know it."

Justin threw his hands up. "Then fucking hire someone. It doesn't matter to me."

"Well it should. You need to do this Justin."

"This is the last thing I need to do. I don't understand why you are even asking. Brian and I haven't even seen each other in almost three years. I can't just show up and take care of him. I mean if something happened to Ted, you wouldn't call Blake to take care of him."

"Actually I would. They got back together last year."

Sometimes Justin forgot how literal Michael could be. "Fine, but you wouldn't want anyone calling David to come take care of you."

"Why would anyone do that? There's Ben and my mom and Brian. I wouldn't need David."

"Exactly Michael, that's my point. There are plenty of people better suited to take care of Brian."

"It has to be you," Michael insisted stubbornly.

"Oh my God, this has to be the stupidest conversation we've ever had." Justin barely resisted the urge to bang his head against the table. "Even if you somehow managed to convince me, which you can't, Brian would never agree. So this is all pointless."

"He asked for you," Michael said quietly.

"Fuck," Justin whispered. He was done for, and both he and Michael knew it.

"In the ambulance, they said he kept shouting your name. And after he came out of surgery, he called for you."

"Does he remember?"

"I don't think so," Michael sighed. "He hasn't asked about you since he's been awake, and I haven't mentioned it."

"I can't go back because he mentioned my name when he was confused. He must have thought we were still together, but he doesn't want me." Justin tried desperately to close the part of his heart Michael had reopened.

"You go back because when he didn't have enough control to stop himself from asking, you were the person he wanted with him." Michael's tone was surprisingly firm. There was no jealousy or resentment in Michael's words. He'd moved past that years ago.

"Oh God. I can't do this. You don't understand what you're asking."

"You're right I don't understand. I haven't understood since the beginning," Michael responded angrily. "I let the two of you convince me you were making the best decision. You never asked about each other so I thought maybe you knew more than I did. Even if I knew Brian wasn't happy, and I was pretty sure you weren't either, I stayed out of it. But if this isn't a fucking sign, I don't know what is. You can't ignore this."

Justin slumped in his chair. He'd never had a choice. "Alright, I'll do it, but it can't mean anything. I'll help for a few days because I owe Brian. This can be my chance to repay him for all the times he took care of me, but that's all. If anything else is going to come of it, it has to be up to Brian."

"Whatever you say," Michael didn't laugh, but he might as well have.

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"Are you drawing my cock from memory or did you peek?" Brian's voice rough with sleep and maybe pain broke into Justin's memories.

"If I were still bothering with nudes, I would have gone for the buff orderly who offered to let me watch while he gave you a sponge bath." Justin forced the hint of innuendo into his voice, but didn't look up.

"I always thought I would be the one to get the call from Mikey telling me about some near death experience you dramatically managed to survive."

That did get Brian a quick look. Justin's surprise at the admission kept him from being offended that Brian still saw him as somehow weak. He was also glad Michael was out of town when Seth had given him Tylenol instead of the aspirin he's specifically asked for. The resulting trip to the emergency had quickly ended that relationship. "I'm stronger than I look," is all he let himself say.

Brian moved the bed into a sitting position and looked closely at Justin. "So what are you doing here?"

Justin shrugged and tried to look relaxed. "You need someone to go home with you. I've been elected."

Brian gave a short bark of laughter. "That's not funny."

"Tell me about it. But it's been decided, and we're not being given a choice." He wanted Brian to understand this hadn't been his idea.

"We always have choices," Brian's voice was flat and hard.

"Yeah, there's always home healthcare. Michael's digging his heels in on this one. I think Ben's reading him too many romantic comedies." It was a bad joke, but it was all he had.

"Mikey's delusional," Brian looked directly at Justin for the first time.

Yeah, he got that message loud and clear. "I know, but sometimes it's best to humor the insane. I'll meet you at the loft tomorrow." Justin gathered his stuff and left without looking back or giving Brian a chance to respond. It was cowardly, but he didn't care. Survival was all that mattered now.

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The next day Justin once again found himself outside a door he didn't want to open. When he'd left the loft for the fifth or sixth time depending on how you counted, he'd been sure he wouldn't be back. But here he was. He used the key Michael had left for him and let himself in. Michael wouldn't be bringing Brian home for a few hours, but Justin had wanted to return to the loft alone. Before he could take in the changes to the loft, he was smothered in a tight hug.

"Oh Sunshine, I can't believe you're really here. We've missed you so much." Somehow Debbie managed to pull him in even closer.

Justin returned the hug and tried his best not to cry. He'd never hated Michael more in his life. Finally Debbie let go enough for him to pull away. He gave her a weak smile while she wiped her eyes. "I've missed you too, Deb. How are you?"

"How am I always? Can't keep me down that's what I say," Debbie answered with the smile and laugh Justin couldn't forget no matter how hard he tried. "Carl retired last year, but I can't give up the diner. My boys need me. All of them," she said pointedly. "I stocked the fridge and freezer so there's plenty of food. I'm sure you two will have other things on your mind." Debbie smiled and winked at him.

"Deb, it's not like that. It's temporary; I'm not staying." Justin didn't want her getting her hopes up.

"Think what you want Sunshine." She shook her head and patted his cheek. "If you and Brian decide to work things out, I'll be thrilled. You know that. But either way, I've found you again so no more disappearing. I won't lose you again no matter what my fool son says."

Justin nodded because really what could he say? Debbie had been the first person to accept him for who he was. Cutting her out of his life hadn't been right or fair. But he'd done what he had to, hadn't he?

"Well, I'll let you get settled. Everything will work out for the best. You'll see." With a last hug and a kiss on his forehead, Debbie was gone.

Now that he was alone in the loft, Justin wasn't sure why he thought it was a good idea. He could see changes. Some of the furniture was different; the bedroom had been redecorated again, but it felt the same. It still screamed "Brian" in every way that mattered. He couldn't move without tripping over memories. God, he didn't want to be here.

Trying to distract himself, Justin set his bag in a corner and set his computer up on the dining room table. He pretended to work for a few minutes, but gave up and wandered into the kitchen. True to her word, Debbie had stuffed the refrigerator and freezer to capacity. He poured himself some juice and watched the door. He couldn't help thinking about the day he'd left. He'd waited for Brian in the kitchen that night too.

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He'd stepped back when Brian reached for him and watched his eyes go flat. "So this is it?" Brian asked.

"Yeah," Justin nodded. Things had been off between them for a while. He wasn't surprised Brian knew.

Brian looked away, "It's not because I won't tell you. . ."

"No, no. The words don't matter." Justin had to interrupt him. He couldn't stand to hear Brian say he loved him on his way out the door. It wasn't a question of love.

"Good," Brian nodded. "Where will you go? Daphne's?"

"Where else?" Justin tried to smile. He was tired of running to Daphne, but he knew he could count on her. "At least until I find something of my own."

"Do you need anything?"

"No, I'm good. I have what I need for now," Justin gestured to the bag he'd left by the door. "I'll come back for the rest when you're at work." Brian nodded again. Justin hated how reasonable they were both being. He hated how easy they were making it for him to walk away. He looked at the ground unable to stand the calm, detached look on Brian's face for another second. "Well, I should go."

Brian moved awkwardly to follow him. "I'll see you around."

Justin shook his head, "No you won't. I need a clean break this time. I won't be at the diner or Babylon or anywhere else you'd see me."

"Justin that's stupid. You don't have to change your life to avoid me."

"If I don't, I'll be back here in six months."

"Four," Brian said with a humorless laugh. "That's not what you want?"

"Not this time. It has to be over."

Brian nodded, "Then take care." He leaned down and kissed Justin softly before stepping back and letting him go. Justin sat in the hallway his back pressed against the door for ten minutes before he could force himself to leave.

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It hadn't been easy, but Justin had done it. He'd replaced the life he shared with Brian with a new one. He'd found new places to dance and new people to try and love. Every step that led him away from Brian had hurt, but he'd done it. And now he was back. All Michael had to do was tell him Brian asked for him, and he'd come running back. It was pathetic. He was setting himself up to be hurt, but Justin couldn't help it. He couldn't turn his back on the possibility that Michael was right.

"Jesus Christ, Mikey, will you back off. I can open my own damn door."

Justin heard Brian bitching in the hallway. He took a deep breath and composed himself. By the time the door opened, he was sitting on the couch trying to look casual. He stood when they entered, frowning when he looked at Brian. It was obvious he was in pain. Brian was pale, sweating, and slightly hunched over, but he was fending off Michael's efforts to help him.

"Fuck, Brian, will you just let me. . ." Michael's voice trailed off as Brian turned and glared at him.

"I'm not a fucking invalid. I can walk by myself."

Justin intercepted Brian before he could reach the couch. "Bed," he said firmly.

Michael sagged with relief when Brian focused his attention on Justin. "Perhaps you weren't listening so let's catch up. I am not an invalid; I don't need to go to bed."

Justin met his gaze firmly. He needed to set the tone now. If he was here to take care of Brian, that's what he was going to do. "I heard you, but you are still going to bed. I've been in the car with Michael. You need time to recover from his driving more than anything else." He ignored Michael's defense of his driving as he led Brian back to the bedroom. Things might just work out. Brian was following him without a fight, even laughing at his dig at Michael.

When Brian started to undress, Justin left. Brian could handle that by himself. "Where are his pills?" he asked Michael.

By the time Justin brought a glass of water and the pain pills to Brian, he was in bed and half asleep. "Take these before you fall asleep." Brian nodded and reached his hand out. Justin resisted the urge to reach for Brian's outstretched hand and quickly left the room again.

"Thank God he listens to you. I knew this would work," Michael gave him a relieved smile when he came back into the living room.

"He's tired and in pain. It won't last," Justin snorted. "Hopefully he'll sleep for a few hours."

"Well I need to get back to the store." Michael gestured Justin to follow him into the hallway when they reached the door.

Justin rolled his eyes but followed. He could only imagine what Michael wanted to talk to him about. "Yes, Michael?"

"I just wanted to tell you how glad I am you agreed to do this. Brian would never tell me why you left."

"That's because he doesn't know," Justin said without thinking.

"What do you mean he doesn't know?" Michael asked obviously confused.

"I didn't tell him, and he didn't ask," Justin shrugged. The reason had never been that important.

"How could he not ask? If Ben wanted to leave me, I'd make him tell me why. I'd have to know."

"Why?"

"So I could fix it," Michael said clearly thinking the answer was obvious.

"Brian didn't want to fix it," Justin explained gently. Sometimes you had to lead Michael through these things. The blank look on his face indicated this was one of those times. "Brian wasn't looking for a way to make me stay. He always said it was my call whether I stayed or not. When I decided to leave, he didn't need to know why."

"If he asks now, will you tell him?"

"Michael, he's not going to ask." Less than a day, and this was already getting old.

"But if he does?" Michael asked again.

Justin sighed. Michael was never going to understand. "If he asks, I'll tell him."

"Good," Michael smiled apparently satisfied. "I'll check in tomorrow, see if you need anything."

Once Michael left, Justin headed back to check on Brian. As expected, he was sleeping soundly. The lines of pain in his face had relaxed so it looked like the pills had done their job. Justin took a few minutes to study Brian. He looked the same, but he could see some signs of age creeping in. Something around his eyes was different. He looked thinner, but that could be an effect of the accident. More than anything Justin wanted to smooth the hair back from Brian's face and crawl into bed with him. This was going to kill him. There was no way he could walk away from this with his heart intact.

Justin stood there for along time watching Brian sleep. He could let his guard down a little and let some of the feelings he'd been fighting show. He finally gave in and sat on the edge of the bed gently stroking Brian's face. Justin couldn't help but remember another night like this. Just after he found out about Brian's cancer, he remembered putting him to bed and waiting for Brian to sleep. Only then could he let his fear and love show. He'd tried to care for Brian without waking him and ended up crying on his chest. It was that memory that drove him from the bedroom before the tears could start this time.

Sometimes when Justin was drunk or tired, he thought their relationship had ended that night. He'd given Brian permission to shut him out. By not confronting him as soon as he found out about the cancer, he let Brian know he was right to keep it from him. It was a pattern they never broke. When he was in California, Brian was hospitalized after getting tainted E. Justin found out from Michael. Brian excused it saying there was nothing Justin could have done from across the country, and by the time Justin came home they'd both forgotten about it.

Ted was the one to tell Justin Kinnetik had almost gone out of business. He mentioned it casually once, assuming Justin had known. The crisis had been over for three months, but Brian never said a word. They had a screaming match over that one. Justin had demanded that Brian stop treating him like a child and start respecting his ability to handle problems. Brian yelled that there was no point in bothering him with things he couldn't do anything about. When Justin shouted that even if he couldn't fix the problem, he could be supportive, Brian turned and walked out. They didn't speak for a week.

The final blow came almost a year later. Justin was checking messages when he came across one from Claire complaining that Brian hadn't signed the last of the papers for their mother's estate. He realized Brian's mother had died, had been dead for some time, and Brian kept it to himself. Justin no longer cared if Brian had gone to Michael instead of him. He needed to know that Brian could trust him with the parts of his life that weren't perfect. He wanted Brian to trust him with his struggles, with his pain, and with his past. It didn't look like that was ever going to happen. When he decided there was no point in confronting Brian, he knew it was time to leave.

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When Brian woke up a few hours later, Justin really was working. It was his best escape from memories he didn't need. He heard Brian before he saw him. First the sound of water from the bathroom, then slow heavy steps to the couch. "How are you feeling?" he asked without looking up.

Brian only grunted in reply. Justin turned then to see him sprawled against the corner of the couch with his head thrown back and his eyes closed. Justin smiled slightly. He knew that look; it meant Brian was in pain, but it was manageable. When he was in real pain he tried harder to hide it. "Let me get you something to eat so you can take you antibiotics," he said on his way to the kitchen.

"Fuck the antibiotics and bring me the Vicodan," Brian groaned dramatically.

"As I'm sure your doctor explained, once you've had you spleen removed, you are at higher risk for certain kinds of infection. It's important to complete your antibiotic regimen and avoid post surgical complications."

"Christ, ten years later, and has it really been ten years, and you still sound like a walking public service announcement." Brian sounded both amazed and irritated.

"Time flies," was the only reply Justin made before setting a sandwich, juice, and his pills on the coffee table in front of Brian. He went back to the computer and continued working.

"What are you doing?" Brian asked.

"Just some last minute color changes for a mock up," Justin answered absently.

"Who are you working for?"

"This is for Mitchell's, but I freelance. I do more illustrations than ad work usually."

"Is there enough money in that?"

Justin rolled his eyes. Brian had always seemed convinced that left to his own devises Justin would starve to death. "Sure, if you are willing to go after work. I make enough money, and I can set my own schedule."

"Have you done any work for Kinnetik?"

"Brian, you don't use freelancers remember. You're too much of a control freak to give up the intimidation factor you have over your own employees. At least that's what you told me." Justin turned so he was facing Brian. He was sure there would be more questions.

"True," Brian laughed a little. "But if we did?"

"No,"

"Why not?"

"You know why." Justin's reply was clipped. He wasn't going to get into this.

"Do you work for Vanguard?" Brian asked tersely.

"Sometimes," Justin shrugged trying to indicate it wasn't important.

Brian sat up a little straighter and glared at Justin. "So you'll work for Vance, but not for me? That's fucked."

"No, Brian, it's business. Look, it shouldn't matter to you who I work for. I'm not going to justify my life to you. Besides I charge him more." Justin added the last bit to diffuse some of the tension, but he was serious about not letting Brian question his decisions.

Brian smiled again. "I hope you bleed the fucker dry. Are you happy?"

Justin frowned not sure of the change in direction the conversation was taking. But he shut down the computer and moved to sit on the other end of the couch before answering. "Happy enough. What about you?"

Brian turned away on the pretence of setting his empty plate down. "Why are you here?" he asked instead of answering.

"I told you; Michael insisted." Now he knew he didn't want to have this conversation.

"You've never been intimidated by Mikey before. What's the real reason?"

Justin looked down at his hands avoiding Brian's eyes. "I owe you. You took care of me."

"Justin, I don't take care of people especially you," Brian interrupted looking confused.

"When I really needed you, you were always there for me. It doesn't matter what you call it. I never had a chance to do that for you. I need to do this." Justin knew he was revealing too much, but Brian would know if he lied.

Brian looked like he wanted to argue, but nodded instead. "So you just dropped everything when Michael asked?"

"There wasn't really anything to drop. I can bring my work with me so it's no big deal."

"And there's no one anxiously awaiting your return?"

Of course Brian couldn't just ask if he was seeing anyone. "No, there's no one waiting for me."

"But there has been." It wasn't a question.

"A few times, but not now."

"Anything serious?" Brian asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Not really, I tried, but nothing really clicked. I haven't lived with anyone else. What about you?"

"You're kidding, right?" Brian laughed. "I haven't even thought about it."

The look on Brian's face told him the subject was closed. Justin certainly wasn't going to object. He knew they had both already given too much away. "I told my mother I was going out of town."

"Lying to mommy, I'm shocked," Brian mocked half-heartedly. "And here I thought your mother liked me."

"She does; that's the problem. It's bad enough with Michael and now Debbie." Justin covered his face with his hands remembering how Debbie had looked when she saw him. "Debbie was here when I got here. It was awful. I wanted to kill Michael for dragging me back here."

"She missed you," Brian said his expression carefully neutral.

"I missed her too, but I couldn't. . ." Justin trailed off still not sure how to explain why he had to cut himself off so completely.

"You did what you had to do," Brian said gently. "It's okay."

"Actually it's not okay. It wasn't then, and it's not now. But I guess that's just life." Justin stood up abruptly torn between anger and sadness. "Take your pills, or I'm going to get fired. I'm going," he gestured to the bathroom needing a few minutes of privacy. He'd been right in the beginning. This conversation had been a mistake, but they couldn't take it back.

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Justin took it as a testament to the seriousness of Brian's injuries that it was three days before he propositioned him. They had settled into a routine by then. Brian was still sleeping a lot giving Justin plenty of time to work. Brian never argued when Justin reminded him to eat or rest or take his pills. They were polite and kept their conversations completely impersonal. They never touched each other.

"I'm going out to run a few errands. Do you want anything?" Justin was halfway to the door.

"Yeah, a blowjob," Brian called from the bedroom where he was getting dressed.

"You have my cell number; call me when I can come back."

"Why would I do that?" Brian asked sounding confused.

"I know I've watched before, but it's not really high on my list of things to do," Justin rolled his eyes. Some things really didn't change.

"I don't want you to watch; I want you to do it."

"God Brian," Justin let out a bark of laughter. "Call one of the thousands of numbers in your little black book. I'll be back in two hours." Justin hurried out of the loft before Brian could say anything.

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A few nights later, they were watching a movie after dinner when Gus called. Brian took the phone into the bedroom so Justin didn't hear their conversation, but Brian looked happier when he came back.

"So what's up with Melanie and Lindsay moving to Canada?" Justin knew he was straying into dangerous territory, but he was curious.

"It wasn't one thing really. There were some problems with Gus's school, and it was clear the political climate was getting worse not better. They decided they wanted the kids growing up somewhere without `institutionalized homophobia', I think is how they put it. They seem happier since they moved."

Justin nodded. It somehow made sense. "Is it hard having Gus living far away?"

"Not really. It works for us. I was never going to be an every day dad. This way Gus doesn't even have that expectation. I think I appreciate the time I do have with him more than I would if they were still here. It's hard on Mikey though. He really did want to be more involved with Jenny Rebecca."

"You're a better dad than you give yourself credit for." Justin had always known that. He hoped Brian figured it out one day.

Brian snorted, "It's not like either one of us would have a clue."

"Hey, at least we know what not to do. If you don't hit Gus up for money or beat up his boyfriend you'll know you're doing something right." Justin laughed determined to lighten the mood. Brian smiled in response, and they went back to watching the movie and arguing over which actor was hotter.

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Things changed after that. They both relaxed and stopped acting like strangers. Justin talked to Brian about the direction his art was going in, and Brian told him about his plans for Kinnetik's future. They laughed about Justin's old boyfriends and Brian's clients. Brian made somewhat humorous sexual advances which Justin ignored. They still didn't touch each other. Instead of tense silences, there was the quiet companionship that came with familiarity. They slipped back into the easy friendship that had formed in the later years of their relationship. It made things easier on both of them, but Justin knew it would be that much harder to leave. A small, foolish part of him couldn't help hoping for more.

Before long, Justin noticed something odd. Michael stopped by every day usually staying for a few hours allowing Justin to leave. But other than Michael, they had no visitors. Ted hadn't stopped by with paperwork; Emmett hadn't dropped in to talk; even Debbie had been absent since that first day. When he asked Brian about it, Brian admitted it was by design. He'd told Michael the only way he'd let Justin stay was if everyone left them alone. He knew given a chance they'd all be hovering and watching trying to see significance everything he and Justin said or did. Justin was grateful for the privacy. Being with Brian was hard enough without an audience, but the isolation also forced them closer.

But too soon and nowhere near soon enough, it was time for Justin to leave. Brian had been cleared to work half days as long as he didn't drive. He really didn't need Justin for anything at the loft. As Justin had predicted, there had been no declarations or inquiries into the past. Brian had given him no reason to stay.

"When Michael comes by tonight, I'm going to go." Justin broached the subject in the early afternoon when Brian was usually in a good mood.

"You can go now if you want. I'm fine by myself." Brian didn't look up from the file he was reviewing.

Justin knew he should have expected Brian's casual dismissal, but it still hurt. "Yeah, good then. I'll just get my stuff." Justin started to unhook his computer.

Brian looked up sharply, "What are you doing?" he barked.

"Huh?"

"I asked what you were doing," Brian spoke slowly, carefully enunciating each word. That was always a bad sign.

"I'm just packing my things up so I can go. Didn't we just have this conversation?"

"I thought you meant leaving for a few hours not this." Brian gestured to the partially unhooked computer.

"You said it yourself Brian; you're fine by yourself." Suddenly Justin wanted to get out of the loft as quickly as possible.

"That doesn't mean you have to leave."

"What?" Justin looked at Brian as if he were insane which he clearly was.

"You could stay," Brian shrugged.

"As what, your roommate? We start hanging out at Woody's after work and leave a dildo outside the door when we have a trick inside?" Justin hastily pulled the next cable out and threw it in the box.

Brian laughed, "That wasn't precisely what I had in mind, but I suppose it's doable."

"This isn't funny Brian. God, you're even more fucked up than I remember." He wasn't going to let Brian do this to him.

"Why is it such a bad idea?" Brian continued to act like it was a reasonable request.

"Where do I even start? Every time we've lived together it's ended badly. We haven't talked in three years. Oh and how about this one, you were the love of my life, and I can't be your friend without wanting more." Justin stood with his hands on his hips glaring at Brian.

"Who says you can't have more? In case you've forgotten, I've been trying to get you into my bed for days."

"That's not what I'm talking about. Having sex with you doesn't exactly distinguish me from most of the gay men in the greater Pittsburgh area."

"I was trying not to rush you. Mikey thought I might scare you off," Brian looked sheepish.

"You've been talking to Michael about me? That's just fucking great." Justin didn't even want to imagine what those conversations were like.

"It wasn't like that. Mikey knows me. He knew how I felt about having you here." Brian shrugged uncomfortably.

"And how was that?" Justin asked even though he didn't want the answer.

"It felt right except for the distance between us. I wanted that gone; I still do."

Justin instinctively took a step back. He couldn't get his hopes up. "Sex isn't going to change anything. I still have to leave."

"It's more than that, and you know it. Things have already changed, Justin. You can't tell me you plan to walk out of here and disappear again. You can't tell me you still think that was the right thing to do." Brian stood up from the couch and moved closer to Justin.

"It was the only thing to do," Justin shouted.

"Why Justin? You never told me why you left."

"Did Michael tell you to ask me that?" He didn't need Michael manipulating him more than he already had.

"Does it matter as long as I want the answer to the question?" Brian's expression let Justin know he wasn't going to back down.

"There was a message from Claire about your mother's estate." That was all the farther he got.

"You left because my mother died? What the fuck?" Obviously Brian had never connected the two events before.

Justin sighed, "No Brian, I left because you didn't tell me your mother died. Just like you didn't tell me about the cancer or the overdose or the problems with Kinnetik. You didn't trust me to be there when you needed someone. I knew I could depend on you, but you were never going to feel the same way." It was more complicated than that, but Brian should understand.

"So what was this about? Were you trying to prove something?"

Justin couldn't tell if Brian was angry or just curious. "I guess in some ways. I wanted to prove to myself that you were wrong, that I was strong enough to handle a crisis."

"That was never a question, Justin," Brian's expression softened a little. "What was the rest of it?"

"Michael told me," Justin looked away. "He said you asked for me after the surgery. I thought maybe there was a chance you needed me. At least a little bit." Justin still wouldn't look at Brian. It sounded so stupid when he said it aloud.

"Justin, I've always needed you even after you left. Last year when they thought the cancer had come back, I wanted to call you. I wanted you with me. I know you've been coming in and watching me sleep. I can feel you there, and every time I wanted to ask you to sleep with me."

Justin shook his head, tears filling his eyes. He couldn't speak.

"Justin, I've always needed you. I've just never known how to ask." Brian moved closer to Justin, and this time he didn't step back.

"Why?" It was all he could manage.

"I'm not good at relationships; you know that. The longer you stayed, the more I expected you to leave. I didn't want to make it easy for you." Brian looked embarrassed at having admitted that.

"Brian that's so stupid," Justin shook his head. "I thought you were shutting me out, and you thought you were, what, letting me think everything was perfect?"

"Something like that," Brian smiled.

"We're so pathetic figuring this out three years too late." Justin wanted it to be a joke, but it came out sounding sad.

"That's what I'm trying to tell you. It's not too late."

"You can't be serious. We can't do this again. We've already screwed it up too many times. It just doesn't work." He was not setting himself up for more heartbreak.

"Who says we've screwed it up too many times? What if this is the time we get it right?"

"What if it's not?" Justin countered.

"Than we try again," Brian said enthusiastically.

"How many times are you willing to have your heart broken?"

"As many as it takes to keep you in my life. I'm serious Justin. I don't want you to leave."

"Brian, please," Justin would beg if he had to.

"Look, Justin, I'm not good at love. We both know that. It's not something I expected or wanted. I thought what I found with you was a fluke, and everything would go back to the way it was before, once you left. But the last three years have sucked. And not in a good way." Brian attempted a smile. "I'm not willing to give up."

"We can't go back Brian. We had our chance." Justin had to make Brian understand.

"Why do you think there's a limit to the number of chances we get? Who decided we are supposed to keep trying until we get things right, except when it comes to love? Then we're supposed to get it right the first time. Being with another person, sharing my life doesn't come naturally to me. I should get more than one shot at it." Brian was in full advertising mode now. He knew how to sell his ideas.

"You do get more than one shot, just not with me. You take what you learned in one relationship into the next one."

"How's that working out for you?" Brian shot back sarcastically. "I'm not going to take what I learned with you and use it to find someone else. That's bullshit. Why shouldn't I use it to keep you in my life?"

"It doesn't work that way," Justin didn't know what to say. He wanted to believe Brian was right, but he couldn't.

"For an artist sometimes you are disturbingly conventional," Brian shook his head. "I'm not going to give you up because you've been raised to believe we've used up our chances. We get as many chances as we want."

"I can't keep coming back then walking away. It hurts too much." Didn't Brian realize that's why he left the way he did last time.

"Then don't. We'll find a different way of doing it. When we get to a point where we feel like it's not working, we'll take a break. You can go to Europe and bum around museums for a few weeks, or I'll go try and recruit some out of town clients. Then we'll come back and try again. Isn't what we had worth a little pain and a little extra effort? We can do this," Brian was almost pleading.

"I don't know."

Brian moved so he was standing directly in front of Justin. "Yes, you do know, but you're afraid. Just tell me one thing. Do you want this?"

"You know I do," Justin admitted in a whisper.

"I want it too. We can figure the rest out. It will be alright, Justin. I promise." Brian took the final step forward and cupped Justin's face in his heads.

Justin closed his eyes. He couldn't believe how good even such a simple touch felt. He didn't know how he lived so long without Brian's touch. "Yes," he said opening his eyes in time to see the relief, love, and joy flood Brian's eyes. Then Brian kissed him, and he knew without a doubt he'd made the right decision.

"Come to bed with me," Brian said holding out his hand.

Justin nodded and followed without a word. He was home.

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A few hours later, they were woken from a light sleep by the sound of the door opening. They heard a startled gasp then a triumphant, "I knew it," before the door closed again.

"Michael and Debbie are going to be impossibly smug now," Justin said laughing.

"I don't care; do you?" Brian asked pulling Justin closer.

"Not really. I guess Michael earned it." Justin rested his head on Brian's chest after placing a light kiss over his heart. He didn't have to hide anything now. "I love you."

"You too," Brian replied quietly while stroking Justin's hair. It would be a long time before either of them felt the need to move. No matter how impossible it once seemed, this is where they belonged.

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