Vacation Plans

===================================================================

"Italy?"

"No," answered Justin. "But I'll take a raincheck."

"The Bahamas? You never did get to go on the trip you won for parading naked around Babylon."

"Nah, bad vibes and I wasn't naked. Ireland. We could find out where you come from and meet some of your distant relatives."

"Why the fuck would I want to do that? I'm the only Kinney I've ever been able to stand. No need to go looking for more. It's enough effort trying to avoid the ones I know about."

"What will it be, boys?" Deb asked, as she approached their table.

"Coffee and special number two," Justin replied.

"Dry toast, oatmeal and apple juice."

Deb's face fell. She opened her mouth to say something, but Brian cut her off. "I'm okay. I only have two more radiation treatments left. I've learned the hard way that it is better to have something in my stomach before the side effects start."

Deb bent over and gave Brian a quick hug. To her surprise, and his, he squeezed her back.

"I'll get your orders in," she said, straightening and wiping away a tear.

Brian looked at Justin who was smiling. "Don't start," he snapped at the blond.

"I wasn't going to say a word."

"Like that's even possible," smirked Brian. "London?"

"No. Too many people."

"They speak the language. Sort of."

"Japan? It looked so cool in The Last Samurai."

"I don't think it's like that anymore, Sunshine. Hawaii?"

"Too hot! San Francisco? More gay guys than even you will know what to do with."

"Been there, done more than my share."

"Who would have thought this would be so difficult," sighed Justin.

"What's the matter?" Michael asked, looking at Brian with concern. Ben and Hunter stood behind him.

"Nothing. We can't decide where we want to go on vacation."

"Thank God! I thought something was wrong with your treatments or something."

"I can't wait to be finished with this crap so people will stop looking at me like that," grumbled Brian.

"So, where are you thinking of going?" Ben asked, trying to change the subject. He, Michael and Hunter slid into the booth.

"That's the problem. We can't agree," explained Justin.

"I think we should go to Italy. He could see all the art he wants. He's a young artist. He needs inspiration," said Brian.

"Are you insinuating that my art is lacking something?" Justin snapped. Then he got quiet. Too quiet. "You've never said anything before," he finished, obviously hurt.

Brian sighed, "That's not what I meant."

"Whatever."

Hunter laughed. Michael tried to stop himself, but soon he was laughing too. It was just too funny to watch Brian trying to deal with real relationship pitfalls.

"What the fuck is so funny?" Brian growled.

They were saved by Deb bringing Brian and Justin their breakfast. Then she took orders from the others.

"What about Paris?" Michael asked. "It's beautiful. Walks along the Seine."

"A month of Brian shopping. I don't think so," Justin said.

"A month?" Michael gasped.

"Yeah, we really need to get away and spend some time alone. I'm going to try and set it up so Cynthia and Ted can handle Kinnetik over the summer. Might be able to go for six weeks."

"Six weeks?" Justin smiled.

"If we ever figure out where to go."

"I've got it! New Zealand," Justin said. "It's beautiful."

"That would be cool!" Michael agreed.

"Yeah, if every geek on the planet wasn't making a pilgrimage there in honor of THOSE movies."

Ben smiled. He was well-aware of Brian's opinion of the Lord of the Rings phenomenon.

"We have to get going. I'll drop you off at the hospital on the way to my exam."

"What exam?" Ben asked.

"Calculus. I missed math while I was taking all art classes. So I signed up for it."

"Missed math?" Michael couldn't believe his ears. "I hated every minute of math in high school. "I would never volunteer to take it."

"Let's go brainy," Brian said pulling the blond behind him.

"When will you be leaving?" Hunter asked.

"His last treatment and my last exam are on Friday. We'll take a few days to recover and leave next week sometime."

===================================================================

"I still can't believe I agreed to this," sighed Brian.

"It's going to be fun," replied Justin as he packed a cooler in the back of their rented SUV.

"Why did we have to rent this? A jeep would've been fine, and much less breeder-like."

"This one turns into a tent in case we stop somewhere that we can't get a room."

"Okay. A jeep and a tent would have been better."

"No. Your body is still weakened from the radiation. The last thing you need is to sleep on the ground on a damp rainy night. The purpose of this trip is to let your body start healing."

"I thought it was because facing my mortality has made me realize that life can be more than sex, drugs, and rock and roll."

"That too," smiled Justin. "Are we ready? Do you think we forgot anything upstairs?"

"Our minds," Brian mumbled, getting behind the wheel of the black Pontiac Aztec. He closed his eyes for a minute while he waited for Justin to get settled beside him. Justin soon noticed.

"If you aren't feeling well, we can wait a few more days before we leave."

"I'm fine."

"Then why are you sitting there like you're in pain or something?"

"I'm trying to soothe my inner-queer. This breedermobile is attacking his sensibilities."

"Inner-queer?"

"Some people have an inner child. I have an inner-queer."

"Ookkaayy. This truck isn't that bad. Do you remember the commercials when it first came out? I loved those commercials. I wanted my Dad to buy one."

"I don't remember."

"They were so cool. It was a young couple and they were going to all these cool places. It was a series of commercials."

"I hated those commercials, but the guy was hot."

"Don't forget we have to stop at the diner first."

"I thought I made it clear that we didn't want a bon voyage party."

"You did, but a bon voyage breakfast was the best I could compromise with Debbie."

"So you say. I think you just want to have breakfast. In fact, I have a feeling that in your mind this whole trip is just one place to eat after another."

"Very funny. Let's go. Everyone is waiting."

"Define everyone."

"I don't really know," Justin said. He knew the whole gang would be there including Gus, Daphne, and Jennifer.

"Starting our adventure out with a lie is a mistake, Sunshine. Especially, since you can't lie for shit."

===================================================================

"No, of course not. I would have told them not to. I know how much you hate receiving gifts," Justin said. "You're a freak that way. Most people love to get presents."

"If we needed anything for the trip, we could've bought it."

"I thought Gus getting us a teddy bear was very sweet. In fact, stop at the next gas station, please."

"What the hell for? We had everything we needed before we went to the diner. Now we have more crap than we need."

"I want to get a disposable camera."

"Why? I brought the digital and the other one." Brian asked, confused.

"It's for the teddy bear."

"Well, I'm so sorry. I mean, what was I thinking? Of course, the toy bear needs his own camera. We could stop at the Big Q. I'm sure he needs a suitcase, sunglasses, extra clothes and sandals."

"Now you're just being silly. I thought I could make a book for Gus about Rainbow Bear's trip. We'll take pictures of the bear wherever we go. I need the camera so I don't have to draw all of it," Justin explained.

"Rainbow Bear, huh?"

"That's what Gus named him. I think he's going to be an artist, too. He loves colors."

Brian sighed again, but pulled into the next gas station.

===================================================================

The sun was setting behind them and Justin watched the tall grass sway in the wind. About an hour ago, he had turned off the main highway onto the more scenic secondary route. They had gone through a couple of small communities. The road was slightly winding which created some beautiful viewpoints of the rolling countryside.

With a quick look to Brian, who he thought was sleeping in the passenger seat, Justin thought about how beautiful the man was. The effects of his treatments had left Brian pale and somewhat gaunt, but to Justin he was more beautiful than ever. Watching Brian struggle with cancer had been very difficult. The truth of the matter was that Justin needed the vacation as much as Brian did, maybe more.

The best side effect of Brian getting sick had been that he was forced to rely on others, at least for some things, some of the time. It was a very difficult thing for him to do but he had to admit that the family had come through for him, no one more than Justin. Brian smiled, thinking of how the blond would simply not be pushed away. He had quickly learned what Brian needed. He knew that Brian didn't like anyone hovering when he was getting sick, but a reassuring cuddle was welcomed when Brian was back in bed. Small bland breakfasts were the best pre-treatment meal, while vegetable broth and crackers were better after.

Justin had slowly and discreetly taken over most of the responsibilities of the loft and most of the time did the driving. What little strength Brian had been able to hold onto was reserved for Kinnetik. Cynthia and Ted had pulled together to keep things going well. Ted, it turned out, was quite adept at handling the clients. His style was very different than Brian's, but was still quite effective.

Not wanting to get too lost in thought, Brian straightened and looked out the window trying to figure out where they were.

"Justin, I see cows."

"Yeah, I know. Isn't this beautiful? I'm hoping to see some closer to the fence so we can stop and get a picture of Rainbow next to the cows. Gus will love that."

"I don't think you understand. There isn't supposed to be livestock on the highway between Pittsburgh and New York. I've done the drive many times. One time to retrieve your drama princess ass from an overpriced hotel and this doesn't look familiar."

"I decided to take the scenic route," Justin said pulling over to the shoulder of the road. He got out with the camera and the bear.

Brian watched with amusement while Justin tried to perch the bear on the fence next to some cows. As soon as Justin would turn around, a cow would knock the bear off the fence. This happened several times before Justin got a good shot and returned to the car.  He put the teddy bear in the back seat and placed the seatbelt around him and took another picture.

"Justin, why are we in the middle of nowhere?"

"What difference does it make? We don't have a schedule. We can do whatever we want. This trip is supposed to be relaxing. The reason we chose this, instead of a definite destination, was so we could spend some time together without any pressure or stress."

"First of all, I thought the reason we chose a road trip was to explore our own country. Secondly, I don't consider finding a reasonable place to sleep, too much pressure or stress. You do realize that it will be dark in an hour or so. Do you really think there's going to be a motel around here?"

"It's a beautiful night. I thought we'd try camping before we got to the city and the five star hotel."

"Great," grumbled Brian.

===================================================================

Brian couldn't sleep. He was watching Justin sleep. It was one of his favorite things to do. How can he sleep so peacefully? He's been through so much.

"Brian?" Justin said. It startled him.

"Yeah."

"Why aren't you asleep? It's late."

"I was just thinking."

"About what?"

"You."

"Me?"

"You're the strongest person I know."

"I'm pretty sure that the strongest person you know is Ben."

"I'm being serious. I know we joke about it, but having cancer…"

"Having HAD cancer," Justin corrected forcefully.

"Okay. Having had cancer made me face my mortality. It also made me realize that you faced yours when you were eighteen. That's just so wrong. You are supposed to feel invincible when you're young. After all the beatings I took from Jack, I thought nothing would ever get me."

"Brian, would you answer a question for me? Honestly."

"Okay." Brian knew the question was going to be about his love for Justin. It was time to tell the truth. Justin knew the truth anyway.

"When the doctor first told you that you had cancer did you consider suicide? What you said about Vic when he died has been running through my head. I was so scared that your live fast, die young, leave a beautiful corpse motto was coming true. Especially after I found out about it, but Michael convinced me not to say anything."

"I'm still so sorry for my reaction, but I didn't want to bring you down with me."

"You were testing me. I see that now, but at the time I was scared you were giving up."

"To be honest, I seriously considered it. I think the doctor was stunned when I told him I had to weigh my options after he told me that removing the testicle would give me a ninety-something percent chance of survival."

"I thank God all the time for that silly competition and the hot doctor."

"Me too. It got your ass back in school."

"I'm serious. Who knows how long it would have been before you were diagnosed. I should have felt the lump. I spent enough time playing down there."

"Yeah, can't wait until we get back to our normal activities."

"Me either."

"I meant what I said. Since I haven't been able to be as active as before the one trick a week rule is null and void."

"That is not the issue for me that it is with you. What made you decide on the treatment and surgery?"

"It was three things really, or three people I should say. Lindsay brought Gus over for a visit the day after. She was talking about how he's growing and that someday we'd be grandparents. That almost made up my mind the other way," laughed Brian.

"I can imagine. Mr. Vain with grandchildren. I can't wait."

"Yeah, but he's starting to be his own little person and not just a baby. He knows what he wants and what he doesn't. I think I want to see who he becomes."

"You don't have to say that like it's some deep secret. He's your son, of course, you want to be a part of his life. I know how much you love him."

"Maybe when we get back we could start taking him for an afternoon here or there. You have to help me though. I don't know anything about little kids and you have more patience than I do."

"I think that would be a lot of fun. Who were the other two people? Michael and Debbie?" Justin asked trying to get back on topic.

"Part of me didn't want to die because of how hard that would be for Michael. Vic dying really brought the fact that Ben and Hunter are positive home for him. After the funeral he told me he felt like he was surrounded by death."

"I never really thought of it like that. Ben is so healthy and Hunter. Well, I don't think about Hunter that much," admitted Justin.

Brian laughed. He thought it was hilarious that Justin couldn't stand the kid.

"The other part of me decided that Mikey wasn't strong enough to see me sick and maybe a quick death would help preserve the image he has of me. No one could live up to it, least of all me. He was going to be disappointed eventually anyway."

"I've never understood your friendship. I love you more than anything, but you're far from perfect. Yet to Michael, you are. Daphne thinks it's because he grew up without a male influence in his life day to day. Then right at the point in his life that he really needed someone to look up to, you appeared in his life. Your 'I don't give a shit attitude' was just what he needed. The problem is that he didn't realize that the attitude is a defense mechanism. She finds it fascinating that while you are very high functioning, the dysfunction in your childhood had had a crippling effect on Michael."

Brian was silent for a few minutes while he processed Daphne's theory. "So what do you think about her theory?"

"I agree with her to a point, but I think she is underestimating how much Deb's mother hen mothering has affected him too. What do you think?"

"I think it's all possible but it's just as likely that Daphne is taking too many psychology classes."

Justin laughed. "That is entirely possible, too."

"Michael completely broke down when he admitted he knew. He was high and upset about Vic dying, Debbie losing it and some major issues he and Ben were having. Then he just started crying. I told him I was going to be okay so he would stop."

"Okay, so Gus and Michael left you conflicted. You don't want to be a grandfather, but you want to see what kind of person Gus is becoming. You don't think Michael could handle your death or your being sick. He ended up handling that pretty well."

Brian stared at Justin.

"What? I can give him credit when he earns it. So, how did Deb push you towards the treatment?"

"It wasn't Deb. She wasn't even talking to me then. It was you."

"Me?"

"At Kinnetik, when I told you I was going to Ibiza, your initial reaction was what I expected. More importantly, it was how I wanted you to react. It made it possible for me to push you away. Or try to."

"I was so confused. First, you were pulling away from me sexually. I didn't know what was wrong. I even went to Emmett for advice. Then you started yelling at me, I knew it was a trap. That something was going on and you needed some space. So I gave it to you," explained Justin.

"Which showed me how lucky I am to have you. So the answer to your question is me. I'm the one I had the surgery for. For the first time ever I have so much to live for and look forward to. I hope that we can make this relationship work, but even if we can't, I know we'll always be there for each other no matter what. More than anyone else, you understand me, the real me. I didn't want that to end. I didn't want us to end."

Tears formed in Justin's eyes. "I don't want us to either," he said with a catch in his voice.

"Come here, let's try and get some sleep before the sun comes up," Brian said, pulling Justin over so they were snuggled up.

"Is Brian Kinney asking me to cuddle?" Justin teased trying to break the seriousness that hung in the air of the cramped SUV.

"Only for warmth," Brian said. "Don't get carried away." He smiled, as he kissed the blond head that was settled on his shoulder.

===================================================================

"I can't believe we purchased our breakfast from a convenience store."

"The breakfast sandwich thing was pretty good," Justin offered.

"The coffee sucks," Brian said, just before he opened the window and threw it out.

"Brian, that's littering. According to the travel guide there's a little valley up ahead that has a beautiful pond with an orchard to one side. Can we stop? It sounds wonderful. I could get some pictures of Rainbow and maybe take some digital shots. I'm considering a watercolors class next year. I'm sure landscapes are a main part of it."

"Okay, we'll stop. I don't think I've seen you use watercolors."

"I used to do it quite a bit at St. James. Lately, I haven't wanted to waste the time now that my motor control is better. I'm not sure I can do a whole semester of it on top of my other classes. I'm waiting to see how my schedule works out. If I can fit it in and be good at it, I would love to get back to it."

"See what I mean. So strong. You don't whine or complain about the unfairness of it. You go on."

"Whining and complaining isn't going to help anything."

"Someone should explain that to Mikey," Brian laughed.

"I've thought that for years," chuckled Justin.

"Aren't you mad?"

"At who?"

"Hobbs, the world, life, God, fate, destiny, me. Your whole life was changed. I'm pissed as hell and if we can believe the doctors, I will be back to what I was before. Eventually."

"You will be. I was mad for a very long time. You know I used to have those rages. That's why my mother sent me to you. Not to mention my misguided time with the Pink Posse."

"Yeah, you had her so freaked out."

"I know. I was anything but strong. I was scared, weak, angry, frustrated, terrified and cowardly. Everybody was so happy when I woke up from the coma. They all came in to see me and they were crying. They kept telling me their prayers had been answered. I was lucky to be alive. That it was a miracle that I was."

"I thought you were dead when I got to you in the parking garage."

"For a long time after I woke up, I wished I was dead," Justin admitted.

"What?" Brian gasped.

"You think you are the only one that has considered suicide?"

"Well, no. I guess I didn't realize what it was like for you. I was one of the people just happy you were alive."

"It was all so overwhelming and incredibly painful. The doctors kept ordering tests and just opening my eyes took so much effort. I would just lie there praying someone would put me out of my misery. I can say with complete sincerity that I believe in euthanasia. Ten days of that torture was ten days too much! I pray everyday for people who suffer all the time."

Brian was stunned. He couldn't say anything. He turned the truck off the road and down a little road. A few minutes later, he parked in what was essentially a field. They got out and Justin filled his backpack with the disposable and digital cameras, a blanket, a sketchpad and pencils, a few bottles of water and several pieces of fruit. He grabbed Rainbow and joined Brian. They walked over to a homemade archway made from small tree branches.

Brian watched Justin walk around one side of the pond. The blond placed Rainbow on a log and started looking around.

"What are you looking for?"

"A long stick," Justin answered. "And not the one you're thinking of," he smiled. Finding it, he went back to the teddy bear. He removed the lace from his sneaker and tied it to one end of the stick. Then he propped the stick up so it looked like Rainbow was holding it.

"I'll take the pictures of the bear. You go get the ones for your class. This would make a beautiful painting," Brian said looking around.

"Okay, thanks. Get a few of him fishing and then use your imagination."

"I think I can come up with something. Go!"

Justin took the digital camera and took several pictures from different spots around the pond. He then got his sketch pad out and sat down by the water's edge to draw the beauty that was before him.

Meanwhile, Brian tried to get some interesting shots of Rainbow. The cute little bear went fishing, climbed a tree, picked wildflowers, fed the ducks and then took a nap in the cool, tall grass.

Finished with his assigned task, Brian sat down under a tree to rest. He watched the mother duck trying to get her ducklings to follow her. He looked at his surroundings and thought about how the pre-cancer Brian would scoff at this whole experience. Much to his surprise, he was enjoying himself. He was looking at the details of things in a way that he didn't used to. Every minute, or so, his gaze would shift to Justin. He thought Justin looked gorgeous when he was drawing. He was wondering what he chose for his subject. Brian tried to follow Justin's eyeline to figure out what and where he was looking. He soon noticed that Justin was flexing his fingers. Brian's smile turned to a frown as he watched tension form in Justin's shoulders and back as he rubbed his cramping hand.

"Fuck!" Justin sighed, as his fingers clenched.

Justin soon felt Brian sitting down behind him. A long leg was stretched out on either side of him.

"Here, let me," Brian whispered softly as he took Justin's hand and massaged it. Justin sighed.

"Feel better?"

"Yeah, thanks."

"No problem. What were you drawing? You looked so intense."

"I just wanted to get the clouds right before they moved too much," Justin explained.

"It's beautiful," Brian said with awe. "I love the shading around the edges."

"Thanks, it's the details like that that cause problems with my hand though. What were you thinking about over there? I'm surprised you aren't putting up a fuss to leave yet."

"I like it here. How about we stay here tonight?"

"You actually want to camp out again. Who ARE you? And what did you do to Brian Kinney?"

"Brian Kinney is evolving."

"Evolving how?"

"Well, for one thing, I was sitting over there thinking about how beautiful this place is and that I never would have taken the time to see that before."

"Yeah, it really is beautiful here. I know we see the world differently. That's one of the things that makes life together so interesting," Justin started to explain

"We learn from each other. Although, I seem to be learning more from you than you do from me."

"That's not true, but I'm glad I have something to offer you. It makes me feel better knowing this relationship isn't completely one-sided."

"If our relationship has ever been one-sided, then that's my fault, but not anymore. I now know what we have and how important that is to me."

Justin smiled. "I have always wished that you would take the time to see the beauty in the things around you."

"I may not have your artist's eye, but I have been watching you for years now. That counts."

"What?"

"One of my secret guilty pleasures is to watch you when you don't know it."

"When?"

"From the very beginning. Even the first night I watched you when you were sleeping."

"Why?"

"You fascinate me. I can't seem to get enough of you. Lord knows I have tried to convince myself otherwise. When you are dancing at Babylon or laughing with Daphne. When you play hide and seek with Gus or even when you are flirting for extra tips at the diner. I like watching you while you watch movies or even when you're angry."

"Wow, you have thought about this."

"Of course, I love to watch you while we have sex and definitely when you are drawing. But my favorite time is while you are sleeping. I've done it most nights that we've been together. That's one of the shittiest things about the cancer, I've been too tired and I fall asleep first."

"I had no idea. I've been doing it since you got sick. I think it helps me fall asleep myself."

"I know. Watching you sort of cured my problem with insomnia, but only when you are sleeping peacefully. Right after the prom was so difficult. You were so still while you were in the coma. At first, it was a little relieving because at least you weren't having seizures like the first three days. However, two weeks of you not moving except when the nurses exercised your muscles for you, was too much to take."

"How do you know all of that? I thought you didn't come to see me."

"I didn't leave for the first three days and then I came to watch you every night."

"What? How come I didn't know that? I thought…I don't even know what I thought. Mostly that you didn't care I guess. That I had lost you forever and that was almost more than I could deal with."

"I'm sorry, but I just couldn't face you. I blamed myself for you getting hurt and I wasn't the only one. I thought for sure that you would too. At the same time I had to see you. I was trying everything and anything to get the whole situation out of my mind, but I had to make sure you were okay. So, I would watch you every night through that little window in the door to your room. The nurse would tell me about your progress. When you got released from the hospital and I couldn't watch you anymore, I kind of lost it."

"You were quite a mess when I found you at Woody's. I went there to tell you off, you know."

"I certainly deserved it. Going to the dance was a mistake."

"Not for that, for just dropping me and not even caring enough to see how I was."

"I didn't…"

"I know that now. I actually figured out how upset you were when I first saw you, but until then I was sad, hurt and confused."

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I understand now. I know what happened affected you too. I wish I had known about you being at the hospital though. I wouldn't have been so insecure with you. I might not have made the mistakes I did."

"What mistakes?"

"It's hard to explain. Everything got mixed-up. I got mixed-up. I was trying so hard to get past what happened and get on with my life that I ignored more than I should have."

"I don't understand. What did you ignore?'

"The after effects of the bashing. After the school situation got cleared up. Everybody just assumed that everything fell into place for me. It became my mission to make everyone believe that. Maybe I was trying to convince myself more than anyone."

Brian remained silent. He didn't know what to say.

"Remember when you asked me why I dropped my art history class."

"Yeah, you said the professor was too boring and you would take it another semester from someone else."

"He was boring, but that wasn't the reason I dropped it. It was my last class of the day. The only one I had after my lunch break. Instead of going, I would go back to the loft and have a nap."

"You did?"

"Yes. Usually by that time, I would be so tired and my head would be pounding, sometimes to the point of making me nauseous. So I would sleep for three or four hours and then make the bed and take a shower."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"The first day, I didn't plan on hiding it from you, but you and everyone else were all so proud of the way that I had bounced back that I didn't want to disappoint anyone."

"I couldn't believe it at the time. It was like school had re-energized you. Your appetite was back and you had a lot more energy. Or I thought you did."

Justin smiled. "I made sure that it seemed that way. The reason you thought my appetite was better was because you saw me eat the only meals I would have all day. We'd have breakfast and dinner together. I wouldn't eat lunch because by that time, I wouldn't have been able to keep it down."

"I had no idea."

"Some days, I wouldn't even go to class. I'd wait until you left and then crawl back in bed. Things were good between us and that's all that mattered."

"How long did this go on?"

"I started to feel better in the second term. Then my father wouldn't pay for school and I started working for the Sap."

"Big mistake," interrupted Brian. "God, I hated watching all those guys drool all over you."

"I learned that lesson the hard way. But I just couldn't be any more dependent on you than I already was. In the end, I was forced to give in so I did, but it bothered me."

"Why did you give in? I know there is more to that story than I know."

"There were two reasons. One, I wasn't able to keep up with that schedule physically. The fatigue, headaches and muscle spasms were coming back. School was suffering. The second reason is what happened at Sap's private party. It kind of freaked me out."

"What happened?" Brian asked, concern evident in his voice.

"Nothing. I got out of there, but I saw enough to know it wasn't a good scene. The Sap and his friends were drugging the dancers and stringing them up in a sling half unconscious.

"Fuck," Brian said, tightening his arms around his blond.

"They put something in my drink and tried to get me to the sling, but I kicked the Sap in the mouth and got away. Thank God, you weren't home when I got there."

"I would have taken care of you."

"No, you would have gone to kill Sap."

"After, I took care of you. I still might."

"It's over. Physically, I was back on track after a week or two of getting more sleep. Then when Michael and I started Rage, I couldn't ignore the psychological and emotional scars from the bashing. It was starting to catch up with me. It all started to surface and I think letting it all out literally, on paper was a good thing. But it pushed me over the edge and I felt like I was freefalling and then I landed in a puddle of piss on the floor of the loft."

"I…I don't know what to say. I know I always say that sorry is bullshit. That has never been more true, than in this case. What I did was inexcusable and I have never been more ashamed of myself. I have hurt you so much. So many times, but that night haunts me the most."

"I know and I really did forgive you at the time, but I couldn't forget and it ate at me. It made me doubt you and me and mostly us. I didn't know where I fit in your life. Things were always changing, but that really made me feel like the trick who wouldn't leave more than anything else. More than Michael saying it. Despite the fact that you, more than anyone, knew how hard I fought to get to the point where I could draw that much, you didn't care. That first issue was physically difficult for my hand, but it also stripped me bare emotionally. Everything that I and everyone else spent so much time ignoring and trying not to think about was always on my mind. The truth is from our first week together, maybe even the first night. I thought we at least had respect for each other. This didn't make me feel respected. On top of my birthday disaster and I was just…stunned and hurt."

"I didn't mean to…"

"I'm not telling you all of this to blame you. It's just that we never cleared up the whole Ethan thing. I think we should."

Brian sighed "Okay. What about Ian?"

"It was never about Ethan, not really. He just said all the right things at the right time, that's all. I was so unsure of myself and everything. That relationship was steady and comforting, like a lifejacket. I knew I wasn't getting anywhere. I was just floating. But at least I wasn't drowning anymore. It gave me the chance to take a rest. I didn't love Ethan and I don't think he loved me either, but it was so easy to pretend. He only knew what I told him about the bashing. He listened when I needed to talk, but most of the time, I was just another college student. I think I just needed to feel normal for a while. I was hanging out with people my own age."

"I missed you so much, but I knew you were better off. I wanted you to experience college life. I did, and enjoyed myself too. I wanted that for you. I still do."

"What I figured out was that it isn't what I really want," Justin admitted. "I enjoy hanging with Daphne, but the truth is I have never really fit in with people my own age. It's kind of sad, but it was true when I was really young too."

Brian pulled Justin closer. "You are much older than your age. It's like you said once, you are the most mature person I know."

"Considering the way I have behaved. I don't think so. Michael is more mature than I have been in some of these situations. It's just that I have more important ways to spend my time. For a long time I couldn't see the future. I lived my life day-to-day. The big picture was too far out of focus. Now that things are getting more and more clear, I have goals again. And hopes and dreams."

"I know. I can see the difference in your eyes," Brian smiled proudly. "Being sick has given me the opportunity to look back on my life with a little perspective. I was never one to analyze myself, or my life. I'm not stupid. I know I'm hard to be around. I learned from an early age not to count on people. You and Daphne are totally right, my disposition is a defense mechanism. What I know now is that it's time to grow up. I can rely on you. You've more than proven that. But every relationship I have ever had has been tainted by my need to protect myself. Everyone has let me push them away to some extent by buying into my stunted philosophy of life. Everyone, except you."

It was Justin's turn to pull Brian closer.

"My family was cold and detached behind closed doors. But to the outside world we had to pretend that everything was perfect. I think that's why declarations of love and public displays of affection are so difficult for me. It just makes things feel fake and what I feel for you is very real. I know that this is a problem for us and that it's my hang-up. I just want you to know where I am coming from."

"I know and believe me, I'll never forget again," Justin whispered, kissing Brian's shoulder. "You'll never push me away again."

"Good. I'll try not to attempt it. I also need you to talk to me if you start to get so unhappy that you are considering walking out."

"You do realize that it requires you listening," Justin said.

"I know that, smart ass," Brian chuckled.

Justin looked up at Brian seriously. "This isn't funny. You have a way of blowing me off when I try. Me talking only works if you listen."

"I know. How about this, if you think I'm not taking you seriously or that I am blowing you off, make an appointment with Cynthia. I will tell her that any time you call to make an appointment you get the next available hour."

"If you are busy you'll just blow me off there too."

"I give you my word right now that I will listen before I blow you," smiled Brian.

"Okay, it's a deal."

"Let's get the truck set up for the night and celebrate our new understanding." Brian suggested.

Later that night they snuggled together after hours of celebrating.

"I think this trip has been very successful. I feel very relaxed. Our issues are solved. I think we are stronger than ever," Brian said, running his fingers through Justin's hair.

"Do you think we fixed everything? I still wish you would share more of your life with me. Your thoughts, your feelings."

"I have been making an effort. I hoped you had noticed."

"Of course I did. I'm just scared that now that you're feeling better it will all go back to the way it was."

"Not going to happen. Trust me"

"I do."

"And I trust you," Brian whispered. "Now go to sleep. We get to the city tomorrow."

They were both almost asleep when Justin broke the silence.

"Brian?"

"Yes, Sunshine."

"Since we already have everything worked out and that's what I really hoped to do on this trip. I was thinking maybe I would use my rain check for your original idea for this trip."

"Italy?"

"Yes."

"Thank God, five and a half more weeks in this fucking thing might bring back my suicidal thoughts," Brian said.

"Honestly, me too," laughed Justin. They giggled well into the night as they celebrated their new vacation plans.

Return to Vacation Challenge