Not Again


 

Brian stood in the shower letting the hot water wash over him. Did he really feel it? Was it there again? He finally stepped out, grabbing a towel and quickly drying off. For once he was glad that Justin wasn’t home, that he wasn’t there to share the shower with him like he usually did.

It was a phone call he didn’t want to make, but he knew he had to. The worst part was he had to wait until the morning. He looked at the clock at his bedside. Eleven fifteen; Justin would be home shortly. That was a whole other problem. Maybe he could pretend to be asleep, but that wouldn’t work. Justin knew just how to wake him up. Well, that brought a quick smile to his face before the reality set in.

Brian had just poured himself a glass of Beam and was sitting up in bed going over the mock-ups of the new ads for the meeting in the morning when he heard the loft door as it slid open then closed.

Justin’s backpack made a loud thud as it was dropped to the floor.

The refrigerator door was opened and closed, a glass clinked on the counter as it was set down and soon filled with liquid. Brian knew it was milk and wasn’t surprised when a moment later, the cabinet was opened and the rustling of the Oreo bag was heard.

“Hey, you’re still awake.” Justin sat the cookies and milk down on the bedside table.

“No, I’m actually asleep.”

“As long as you’re awake…” Justin’s clothes were lying in a heap on the floor. “I’m heading into the shower. I could sure use someone to help wash my back.” Justin wiggled his butt unashamedly as he walked to the bathroom.

“I just showered.” Brian kept his eyes on the papers spread out around him. He didn’t want to give in to Justin’s suggestion. Not yet anyway.

Justin looked at Brian, surprised at his response. Brian kept his eyes on the papers, pretending to read them, Justin was sure. “Your loss,” he finally said as he closed the bathroom door.

It was then that Brian looked up. Justin never fully closed the bathroom door when he showered. He let out a sigh then gathered up the papers and walked out to the table and set them down.

Justin let the warm water flow over his body. He shampooed his hair and washed his body. His mind was working the whole time, wondering what was on Brian’s mind. He hadn’t been in that mood in a long time. Sure he was still Brian Kinney, but somehow he had mellowed a little over the years. He wouldn’t dare say that to his face, of course, but it had happened. Em noticed it and so did Ted. He thought that Michael had noticed, too, but he wasn’t ever going to admit that his best friend wasn’t still the ‘stud of Liberty Avenue’.

When Justin came out of the bathroom, the bed was empty. He pulled on his sweat pants, picked up his milk and Oreos and went to confront his ‘partner’.

“Okay, want to talk about it?”

“About what?”

“About what? About whatever it is that has you acting like an asshole. Did something happen at work?”

“Work’s fine.”

“Then what?”

Brian poured himself another drink and held out the bottle. “Want some to go with your cookies?”

“No. Don’t change the subject. I want to know what’s going on.”

“Nothing’s going on, Justin.” Brian downed the liquid in one gulp. “I’m going to bed. Have an early meeting.”

“I’m kind of tired myself. I think I’ll go to bed, too.”

“Finish your cookies and milk. Don’t wake me when you come to bed.”

Justin just sat there staring at Brian’s back. After about ten minutes Justin put the uneaten cookies back in the bag and dumped the glass of milk in the sink. He turned all the lights off except for the small one by the stove and walked to the stairs. He quietly climbed them and stood by the bed watching Brian’s shadowy form lying there on his back, his eyes opened.

Brian turned onto his side and pulled the covers back letting Justin know it was okay to join him. The moment was reminiscent of another time and Justin was suddenly scared of what was going on.

“Come here,” Brian said as he put his arm around Justin’s waist and pulled him closer.

Justin took a deep breath and laid his head on Brian’s shoulder.

They lay like that for quite a while. Justin knew that Brian was figuring out how to apologize without saying he was sorry and also how to tell him what was going on. He kissed the smooth skin on Brian’s chest and yet another image filled his head, one that scared him.

“Brian…”

Brian rubbed a hand along Justin’s arm then slowly moved it down below his waist.

“Stop. That’s not what we’re going to do now.”

“I know.” Brian tightened his arm around Justin. “Feel,” he said his voice unusually soft.

Justin felt where Brian indicated. And there it was, a lump like before. “When did…”

“Just today, this evening, in the shower.”

“Then I should have felt it sooner. I’m down there often enough.”

Brian smiled at his attempt at humor. “Don’t go blaming yourself, Sunshine. I should have felt it too. Neither of us did, so that’s that. I’ll call in the morning for an appointment. Do you…ahh…do you want to come with me?”

“Try and stop me.” Justin felt Brian kiss the top of his head. Somehow at that moment it was one of the most intimate things he could have done.

 

***

Within the next week they had seen the doctor and a biopsy was done. They waited for the results, but this time they waited together. They didn’t tell anyone else what was going on.

At night they held each other and made love. During the day, when they couldn’t be together physically, they were on the phone frequently. Ted and Cynthia noticed but said nothing although they knew there was something going on.

Another week passed and the day came when they were once again sitting in the doctor’s waiting room. Brian pretended to be reading, but he had been on the same page for ten minutes. Justin kept fidgeting until Brian finally put his arm around him, not caring what the other patients in the room thought.

“Mr. Kinney, come with me.”

They followed the nurse to the office. A moment later the doctor arrived with a smile on his face.

“Brian,” he said shaking hands and repeating it with Justin. “Well, good news. It’s not cancerous, just a small cyst.”

Neither Brian nor Justin was sure what was said after that. Next thing they knew, they were shaking the doctor’s hand again and leaving the office.

That night in bed after a couple of rounds of mind blowing (and some other things) sex, they lay in each other’s arms.

“What are you thinking, Brian?” Justin asked after many minutes of silence.

“I’m glad you were with me this time.”

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