Scrambled or Poached






“Krycek,” Walter grumbled as he poked his sleeping lover trying to awaken him.  “Krycek, wake up, your fucking chickens are going berserk out there,” Walter growled.


“Fuck,” Krycek groused as he rolled over.  “Why are they my chickens?  I never had chickens until I moved in with you.  And why are we back to last names, Skinner?”


“Because,” Walter huffed defiantly.




“Because it’s three o’clock in the fucking morning and those goddamn birds of yours are clucking so loud, they can be heard in the next county.  Now, those ‘girls’ seem to like you, go find out why they’re raising the dead.  Maybe your fox has gotten into their coop,” Walter commented as Alex got up out of bed and threw on some clothes.


“My little girl wouldn’t dream of picking on those chickens.  I give her her eggs every morning then she goes off to do whatever little girl foxes do every day,” Alex explained.


“You are so weird,” Walter yawned as he turned over to go back to sleep.


“That’s it, Skinner, you go back to sleep while I take care of YOUR chickens,” Alex muttered, accompanied by a few choice curses which Walter would have heard if he was still awake.


Alex stumbled down the stairs in the dark, heading for the kitchen door that led to the barnyard and chicken coop.  He could hear the hens clucking up a ruckus.  He opened the door then made his way toward the yard.


“Come on ladies, what’s gotten into you...oh shit!”  Alex shut up then froze in place, his eyes darting around him looking for a possible weapon.  In the yard rooting around the coop, trying to pry open the door was a seven-foot silver backed grizzly bear. 


The chickens clucked louder, distracting the bear allowing Alex to slip back into the house.  He locked the door knowing that if the behemoth in the yard really wanted to, he could easily bust down the door.  Alex ran up the stairs to Walter.


“Skinner, wake up,” Alex shook his lover awake.


“What?” Walter growled loudly like the bear in the yard.


“Keep your voice down,” Alex whispered.  “We have company,” Alex murmured as he handed Walter his clothes and got the key to their weapons locker.


“Aliens?” Walter asked noting the seriousness in Alex’s demeanor.


“No, bear, specifically a grizzly and he’s out in the yard harassing my girls.”  Alex opened the cabinet, taking out two shotguns, handing ammunition to Walter.  They carefully loaded the guns, putting extra rounds into their pockets.


“Are we going to kill him?” Walter asked.


“I’d prefer not to; they’re an endangered species.  What I don’t understand is why is he in our yard.  No bear has never gotten this close to the ranch before, not since I’ve been here.  Have you ever had an encounter with one since you retired out here?”


“Nope.  Maybe he’s a rogue or sick.  We’ve had a long hard winter.  Maybe he woke up really hungry.”


“Maybe.  What about the ranger station?  Do you think the ranger knows about our friend out there?”


“I’ll place the call, you keep an eye on the bear.”


“And my chickens,” Alex added as he went to the door.  He heard Walter on the phone talking to the ranger station while he watched the bear tear up the yard.  The chickens were still keeping up their racket.


“We’re in luck,” Walter began as he quietly sidled up to Alex then peered out the door.  “The rangers know about this bear.  They’re on the way.  They’ve asked if we can try to contain him here.”


“Contain him?” Alex squeaked.  “He must weigh 800 pounds!  How do the rangers suggest we contain him?”


“The fuck I know, but your chickens appear to be handling it just fine.  I vote we stay in here.”


“I second that.”


About two hours later the phone rang.


“The rangers are just up the road,” Walter confirmed. 


He and Alex had been taking turns watching the bear amuse himself in the yard, first with the chicken’s feed bucket and then with a garbage can.  The chickens took exception to the bear playing field hockey with their bucket.  The bear found one of the trap doors into the coop, and he enjoyed the eggs he stole.  He did not enjoy his paw being pecked.






“Thank you for your help, gentlemen,” one of the rangers said to Walter and Alex.  “We’ve been looking for this big boy for a couple of weeks now.  We couldn’t have trapped him without your help.”


The rangers had converged on the ranch and in a well organized strike, tranquilized the bear and placed him in a cage on one of their trucks. 


“What’ll happen to him?” Alex asked as he peered into the cage.  The poor old beast was fast asleep.  Walter, who had made a large pot of coffee, was refilling thermoses for the rangers.


“We’re going to have a vet check him out first.  Then after we know he’s healthy we’ll take him to a safe place in the forest and release him.”


“And if he’s sick?” Alex asked.  He had developed a certain affinity for the beast.


The ranger shrugged his shoulders, giving Alex a poignant look.


“He’ll be put down,” Alex said solemnly. 


The ranger nodded.  “We’ll do every thing possible for him.” 


Alex nodded.  Walter and Alex watched the caravan of ranger trucks drive away.


“Now what?” Alex asked as he looked at their trashed yard with weary eyes.


“First we open the chicken coop to let your brave girls get some air.  Then we give them a healthy breakfast of feed.  And then we go back to bed.  We can deal with this mess later.”


The partners did a cursory cleanup of the yard then threw an ample supply of chicken feed onto the ground.  Alex opened the coop door.  A dozen plump hens loudly squawked as they ran down their ramp into the yard.


“Come and get it, ladies!” Alex called out to his girls as they clucked around him relaying their dismay regarding the early morning drama.  “I know, I know,” he cooed as they stamped their boney feet. 


“Breakfast, ladies,” Alex threw down a few more handfuls of grain. 


Walter chuckled.






“What about me?” Alex asked as he stood in the middle of twelve contentedly clucking birds.


“You and your chickens.”


“Hey, these birds saved our lives.  If it wasn’t for them we might have woken up with a real bear in our bed.  I think they’re heroes.”




“Whatever.  They deserve extra feed.”


“You’ll get no argument from me.”


The lovers went back into the house.  Took a quick shower then went back to bed.  As they snuggled close, Walter had a question.


“What did you mean ‘a real bear’ in our bed?” Walter growled as he rolled his large muscular body onto Alex.  Alex smiled as Walter nipped at his ears then kissed his lips.


“I meant the big growling furry kind of bear.”


“I’m not big enough?” Walter asked as he rubbed his growing erection against Alex’s thigh.


“Very big,” Alex purred.


“I’m not furry enough for you?”  Walter ground his hairy chest into Alex’s smooth one.


“Mmm, just hairy enough,” Alex hugged Walter closer.


“Don’t I growl loud enough?” Walter asked in his deep baritone voice.


“Loud enough to be heard in the next county.”  Alex laughed; Walter joined him.  They made love for the next hour. 


“Those chickens of yours did save our asses this morning,” Walter observed.


“My big FBI man, saved by a bunch of ten-pound birds,” Alex chuckled.


“The bad ass assassin saved by his fine feathered friends,” Walter snarked.


The lovers glared at each other in a macho display of wills then gave up as they snuggled together, exhaustion taking precedence over male ego.


“So the ornery birds get to live another day?” Alex asked with a yawn as he tucked himself next to his Bear.


“Yup,” Walter agreed as he hugged his Rat close then went to sleep.



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