Something Missing, Something Found

Part 5

This is the last chapter. Rated R? (NC-17?) There's B/J sex here! Yea.

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"Michael, it's been two days. Where's Brian?"

"Brian? What are you talking about, Linds?"

"I want to know where Brian is. He hasn't been home in two days."

"Lindsay, how would I know where Brian is. I haven't talked to him in over a week. I just got back from the ComicCon in Philly. Now, tell me what's going on."

Lindsay relayed the events of the past week to her husband's best friend. Including the fact that Brian had said to contact Michael if she wanted to know where he was.

"Sorry, Linds. I assume you tried my mom already."

"I tried everyone I know. I'm getting scared, Michael. Where is he?"

"Let me make a few phone calls and I'll get back to you."

Lindsay hung up the phone and took a sip of her wine. Anger was quickly turning to fright. No matter what happened, he'd never stayed away this long before. "No matter what happened..." she thought. "Damn him. If he's with that little, that little..." she said aloud, unable to think of the exact right word to call the new neighbor. On a hunch, she went down the stairs to the third floor and knocked at the door.

"Lindsay," Justin said, not surprised to see Brian's wife at the door. "Come in."

"I'm looking for Brian. Have you seen him?" She was looking around to find evidence that he was indeed there. His brown briefcase was on the table, with papers spread out over the top. She walked over to it. "He's here, isn't he?"

"Yes, Linds. I'm here." Brian crossed the room to his wife. How long did it take you to figure it out?"

"Michael had no idea where you were. He's been in Philly. You've been here the whole time? How could you?"

"How could I what? Justin's a friend. I needed a friend and like you said, Michael's been away."

"Did you...did you?" She couldn't finish the sentence because she didn't want to know if her husband had been unfaithful to her, and with another man.

"Nothing happened, Lindsay," Justin interjected.

"Are you coming home?"

"Yes. Let me put my papers away and I'll be right up." Lindsay nodded and left.

"Thanks for letting me stay. I, uh. Thanks."

"Anytime. Brian, you have to decide where you want to be, what you want in your life. You're not doing yourself or Lindsay any good by living a lie."

"I know, but it's not that easy. I love Lindsay. We've been together for five years."

"Do what you need to do, Brian. Just remember I'm here, okay?"

Brian briefly touched Justin's face with his fingertips, but wanting to do so much more. "Well, I guess that's all. Later."

"Yeah, later, Brian."

Several weeks passed and Brian's life slowly returned to normal, or as normal as it could under the circumstances. He saw Justin only in passing, and threw himself into his work.

Brian was sitting at his desk, deep in thought over the new account he just acquired for Arctic Ice Creamery when his phone rang. "Cynthia, I said no calls."

"It's Lindsay. She sounds really upset."

"Put her through." Brian sighed, wondering what happened.

"Brian, my mom's in the hospital. Something about her heart. I have to fly to Boston tonight."

"How bad is it? Do you want me to go with you?"

"I'm not sure how bad it is. You know Lynette. She was crying and everything. I could hardly understand her. Don't leave your work. I'll call and let you know what's going on."

"Do you need Cynthia to make reservations?"

"No, I'm leaving in about two hours."

"Have a safe trip and let me know how your mom is. Call me tonight."

"I will," then "I love you, Bri."

"You, too," Brian responded automatically then hung up.

Justin had been painting for hours when he felt his stomach growling. Deciding it was time for dinner, he cleaned up the paints and brushes and went to the kitchen to make supper. Nothing in the fridge or cabinets interested him. He grabbed his keys from the counter and headed out the door. Not sure what he wanted, he walked a few blocks until he came to a Chinese restaurant he liked and went in.

Brian drove home from work later than usual. On an impulse, he pulled into a parking spot near his favorite Chinese place. He may as well get some take-out to eat. Going up to the desk, he picked up a menu and started reading the selections.

"Brian, hi. What a surprise."

"Justin. Yeah. I was just getting some take-out."

"I'm sitting over there. I'd ask you to join me, but I guess Lindsay's waiting for you."

"No, she's out of town. Family emergency. Left this afternoon."

"Hope it's no too serious. Why don't you join me, then?" He saw Brian's hesitation. "It's just dinner, in a public place. Come on, we can talk," Justin said with a little laugh.

"Talk, huh? In that case, I'd love to join you."

Dinner was good, both in food and talk. Brian told him about the new account he had, and Justin talked about an art show he was going to have pieces in. Brian insisted on paying for both meals and they left together. "Did you bring your car?"

"No. I walked. It's a beautiful night."

"Care for a ride back home? My car is right over there."

They rode the short distance back home in silence. They could feel the electricity in the car and knew tonight would be more than a shared dinner. The elevator stopped on the third floor for Justin to get out. Brian watched him walk to his door, wondering if he should say anything.

Justin didn't say anything, hoping Brian would stop him from going into his place, alone. No matter how badly he wanted to be with Brian, it had to be Brian's idea. He was the one with the most to lose. He closed his eyes and said a silent "please" before inserting his key into the lock.

"Justin." Brian exited the elevator, wondering if he was doing the right thing, but not caring whether it was right or wrong. It was something he had to do. "Justin."

Justin felt Brian's hands on his shoulder, turning him around. He saw the fear and lust in Brian's eyes. "Come in. It's okay."

An awkward silence overcame them.

"I'm not sure what I'm doing. I feel like a teenager."

"Would you like something to drink?"

"No. I want to be totally awake. To feel everything."

Justin put his hand behind Brian's head and pulled him down for a kiss. Brian felt Justin's soft lips against his, but didn't pull away. He leaned into the other man, deepening the kiss. He never felt anything like this before. It was a kiss, but never was a kiss like this with anyone else. When they finally separated, Justin took his hand and led him to the bedroom.

Justin pulled his shirt off and took Brian's hand and placed it over his heart. "My heart is beating like this for you." Brian smiled despite himself. "Too corny?"

"No. Not corny at all. Sweet."

Brian started unbuttoning his shirt, but Justin pulled his hand away and finished the job. He removed the shirt and dropped it to the floor. Unbuckling the belt, he let the pants drop to the floor, too. Soon, they were both naked and lying in bed. Brian let Justin take the lead. Deep kisses interspersed with soft tender kisses, leaving both men breathless.

Justin kissed his way down Brian's body, savoring the feel of his taut muscles and taste of his tanned skin. "You have the most perfect body. You know that?" He didn't expect an answer, and went back to his ministrations.

Brian was trying to stifle the moans he knew were coming from his mouth. He had never felt this open and sensual before. He curled his fingers in the fine blond hair of his lover. He felt hot breath on his groin, and a slight tickle as Justin lightly caressed the area with his lips. He let out a short laugh at the sensation. "Ticklish?" Justin asked, and repeated the action before taking Brian's hard cock into his mouth. He licked and sucked on the hard organ, alternately taking the delicate sac into his mouth. Justin could tell that Brian was almost ready to cum and stopped what he was doing.

"Don't stop," Brian pleaded.

"Don't worry. I won't. Turn over." Brian hesitated, but did as he was asked. "I won't do anything you don't want me to. Just tell me to stop, okay? I want you to enjoy this."

With Brian on his stomach, arms folded under his head, Justin straddled him, lying atop him. Brian could feel Justin's hard cock against his ass cheeks and tried to move against it. "Not yet, Big Boy." Justin sat up and started placing small kisses along Brian's spine, sending chills through his body. Justin reached for the lube and squeezed a generous amount onto his fingers, then rubbed over the small pucker.

"It's cold."

"It'll warm up. Now relax." He place his index finger at the hole and pushed in. Brian gasped. "Relax," Justin said softly rubbing his other hand across his lower back. He slowly worked another finger, then another into Brian, all the while coaxing him to relax. "Turn back over. I want to see you."

Brian groaned at the loss of the fingers in his ass, but turned over, knowing what was to come. He found himself wanting this more than anything. It wasn't dirty or sinful. It was good, it felt good.  It felt like nothing he had felt before and he wanted more.

Justin placed Brian's legs over his shoulder and tore open a condom wrapper, handing the disc to Brian. "Put it on me. Put it on my cock." Brian slid the condom down Justin's cock, giving it a few soft strokes in the process. "Mmm," the blond moaned. "Ready?"

"God, yes. I want you."

Justin put some more lube on his cock and slowly pushed into the waiting hole. Brian grabbed his arms. "Wait. It hurts. Does it always hurt like this?"

"At first. But it'll stop." Brian fisted the sheet. "Ready?" Brian's answer was to push his bottom further onto Justin's cock. Justin started a slow rhythm in and out. Brian relaxed into the motion.  "Open your eyes, Bri. I want to see you."

Brian opened his hazel eyes, locking his gaze onto Justin's blue ones. "No," he thought. "I've never felt anything like this before." He reached down and started stroking his own cock, knowing he wouldn't last much longer. "I'm close. Oh, God." Justin slammed into him a little harder and moments later they both came. Brian's cum spattered over his chest and ran down his hand. They stayed like that for a few minutes, waiting for their breathing to get back to normal.  Too soon, Brian felt Justin's softening cock pull out, missing the fullness of moments before.

Justin removed the condom and threw it in the trash can by the bed, and laid down.

Afterwards, they lay quietly in each other's arms, eyes closed.

"Justin, I. Thank you," Brian said softly after several minutes.

Justin lifted himself up on one arm and looked into Brian's face. "You don't have to thank me. I wanted this and I know you did, too."

"I know, but, I've never let myself be with a man before, like this. Not like this."

"Why? What happened, Brian. Why were you so afraid?"

"Do you get along with your parents? Do they accept your being gay?"

"My mom's okay. She said she sorta guessed when I was young, and stood beside me through everything. My dad, well, let's just say, I wasn't the son he expected to have. He told me he didn't want anything to do with me and my disgusting lifestyle. His words. He refused to pay for school because I didn't want to go to his alma mater, Dartmouth. Anyway, they got a divorce. I always blamed myself for that, but my mom said it wasn't my fault. I think it was the final straw, though, as they say."

"You and your mom are still close?"

"Yeah. She just wants me to be happy. She even joined a PFLAG group back home. What about your family?" he asked, although he had a feeling what was coming.

"My parents weren't as understanding as yours. They didn't even know I was gay, but every time I did something that wasn't "manly" enough for them, they, my father especially, called me a sissy and other not so polite things. I wanted to please them, so I buried any feelings I had deep inside me. I was raised in an Irish Catholic household. Guilt ran rampant. My mother dragged me to church every Sunday, and a few days during the week. I had to be an altar boy. I listened to sermons about the sin of "men lying with men" and sodomy, although I didn't know what that meant at the time. My mother found a copy of Playgirl magazine under my bed once. "Filth," she called it. I was punished for a month for that transgression. You learn how to hide.  Overachiever that I am, I excelled at repression."

"What about Lindsay?"

"We met in our sophomore year at college. We had a lot in common. She was an art history major and I wanted to go into advertising. We took some art classes together and hung out, made the Dean's List each semester. She was pretty and easy to talk to. I found out that with her around, I was accepted a lot more than on my own. She had no idea what was really going on in my head."

"You're so gorgeous. Didn't any guys hit on you? I knew right away you were one of "us". So did Daphne."

Brian laughed. "You did, did you? Yeah, I got `hit on' as you say. A football player invited me to his house. We kissed, fooled around a little, but I got scared and left. I felt dirty and ashamed."  He felt Justin tense at the words. "I don't any more. How could I with you? You are so perfect. If you hadn't have come into my life, I would have just kept on living the lie that it had become. It's not fair to her, I know. I don't want to hurt her, but that's what's going to happen."

They dozed off like that, wrapped in each other's arms. Brian awoke before the sun came up and slid quietly out of bed, not wanting to wake Justin up. He had to get back to his own place. His life was just turned upside down, and he needed some time to think. Time alone.

When he let himself into his apartment, he heard the answering machine beeping. "Lindsay," he moaned. He had forgotten she was supposed to call him last night. He checked his cell phone, and found that it was turned off. There was a voice mail message from Lindsay, telling him to call her. He listened to the answering machine message, which said pretty much the same thing. He decided it was too early to call her and she didn't sound to distraught, so he showered and went to bed for another hour, setting the alarm. It turned out that the alarm was unnecessary, since he never went back to sleep. Visions of Justin kept popping into his head. He remembered all the new feelings and sensations last night had brought him. He felt guilty about what happened, but only because of what it would mean to Lindsay. Surprisingly, he felt no guilt at all about what he and Justin had done. He finally felt like his life was on track. The right track.

Waiting til eight, he called Boston to talk to his wife.

"Brian, I called last night. Where were you? Why weren't you home?"

"Linds, You weren't here, so I thought I'd work late on my new account, then went to Woo's for supper." Not really a lie. "It was late when I got home and figured I'd call you this morning. How's Nancy doing, by the way?"

"They're doing some tests today, so we'll know more tomorrow. She seems okay, though. I'm just heading out the door to see her now."

"I'll let you go then. Tell her I said hello, okay."

"I will. I'll talk to you later."

Downstairs, Justin was in the shower, playing back the events of last night. In all his years with Ethan, as many times as they'd `had sex' it was never like that one time with Brian. He had made love with Brian. That's the only thing he could call it. He wasn't surprised when he awoke to an otherwise empty bed. The question now was, what was going to happen? Brian was still married. A fact that loomed large in their worlds. He knew what he wanted, but was it the same thing that Brian wanted? He knew Brian wanted and enjoyed last night, but was it enough to change his whole life? Too many questions for so early in the morning.

Brian stayed late at work again, this time, picking up a sandwich at a local deli. He saw the cartons of Arctic Ice ice cream in the freezer and purchased a pint of vanilla. Research was so difficult sometimes.

When he arrived home, he put the ice cream in the freezer, showered and dressed in some comfortable sweats. Even though it was late, he ate half of the sandwich, and put the other half in the fridge. Hesitating, he opened the freezer and took out the ice cream. "What the heck," he thought, as he got a spoon from the drawer. Just as he was about to sit down, he heard a knock on the door. "Who the hell is that, this time of night?" He slid open the heavy door, surprised, but glad, to see Justin.

"Is it too late for company?"

"Never too late." For you, he wanted to add. "Come in. I was just eating some ice cream. Care to join me?" He held out the spoon to his guest. "This is my new account. Thought I'd do some research. Sit down."

Justin laughed, his smile brightening up the dimly lit room. "Nice work. Where can I sign up? My research always involved old museums and newspaper archives."

Brian went to get dishes and another spoon, but Justin stopped him. "We can share," he said, staring into Brian's eyes, daring him to say no.

"Share it is." Brian sat on the sofa and was surprised when Justin straddled his lap instead of sitting next to him.

"It's easier like this, don't you think?" Justin scooped a small amount of the soft white ice cream onto the spoon and held it to Brian's lips. Brian opened his mouth, feeling the cold on his lips and tongue.

"Mmm. Not bad. Your turn." Brian spooned some ice cream into Justin's mouth, savoring the sight of his tongue as it licked the bowl of the spoon. Brian felt the familiar tightening in his groin, surprised that eating ice cream could be so sensuous. Brian fed Justin another spoonful, smearing some on his cheek next to his lips as he did so. "Oops," he said, leaning over to lick the spot off of the smooth skin. Justin turned his head slightly and caught Brian's lips with his in a sweet, cool kiss.

Brian set the ice cream container and spoon on the table and pulled Justin tightly to his body. They explored each other's mouth with tongues, tasting vanilla. Justin had reached between them, pulling the sweats down and grasping Brian's hardening cock in his hand. Brian moaned into his mouth.

They didn't hear the door open.

"Brian. Oh, my God. No. What's going on?"

Justin jumped off of Brian's lap, oblivious to his own erection which was quickly failing. Brian pulled his pants up and stood up to face a very angry and hurt Lindsay. "Linds, Hon."

She glared at Justin and yelled at him to get out. Brian gave him an apologetic glance, and indicated that he would be okay. Justin left quickly and Lindsay slammed the door shut behind him.

"I knew it, you bastard. How could you? With another man?" Lindsay's face was red and tears were forming in her eyes. "How could you?" she kept repeating.

Brian wasn't sure what to say to make it all better for her and knew it wouldn't be all better. "Linds, please. I'm sorry. It just happened. I didn't plan it."

"You betrayed me. You made a mockery of our marriage. Did you ever love me? Did you?"

"I always loved you. But I realize now, I was just going through the motions of my life. I could never be what you wanted, what you needed. Believe me, the last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you." He moved to his wife, unsure of what he would do when he got there.

When he was standing in front of her, she raised both arms and pounded on his chest. He let her get her anger out then held her arms and pulled her to him, holding her while she cried against him. "I didn't want you to find out like this. Justin and I were only together once."

When she was cried out, she told him to leave their home and she would talk to him on Monday. She didn't want to see him before then.  He agreed, and packed his suitcase again. "Do I need to ask where you'll be?"

"No. You'll be able to find me easily enough if you need to. I'm sorry, Linds."

Brian felt as well as heard, the door slam closed as he walked out. "What a mess," he thought and walked down the steps.

Justin was sitting on the bottom step, outside his loft. He heard Brian's foot steps and stood up to stand by his door. Brian followed him in without saying a word. They went into the bedroom, undressed and crawled under the covers. Justin wasn't sure what to do, but his instincts told him that Brian needed some time. Brian laid on his back, staring at the ceiling for a long time. He felt Justin's presence, and although he was comforted by that, he needed some time alone and was glad Justin didn't feel the need to talk.

Just before he fell asleep, Justin felt Brian turn toward him and pull him close. They fell asleep like that, never having said a word.

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Two Years Later

"Hey, Brian. Mail's here." Justin looked at the postmark on the ivory linen envelope. It had been mailed in Boston. He handed it to his partner. Brian opened it, guessing as to the contents.

"It seems Lindsay and Charles are getting married. Want to go to Boston next month?"

"That's so awesome. I'd love to."

Lindsay had filed for divorce the week following finding Brian and Justin together. Although she was hurt and angry, being mean and vindictive was never part of her upbringing. It took a while for her to come to terms with what happened and when her parents were killed in a car accident a year later, she called Brian, knowing he would want to know. Brian immediately left for Boston, to be with his ex-wife. He meant it when he said he would always love her. He spent two weeks there, helping her through the rough spots. He met the man she had been seeing. He owned a popular art gallery and seemed like a nice person. He was glad for Lindsay. The rift between them was slowly healing, and they were once again able to relate to each other as friends. She even found herself liking Justin, and didn't blame him for the failure of her marriage. If Brian wasn't there when she called, she would spend an hour talking to Justin about his art and what was going on in Pittsburgh.

"We need to get ready for our party. Em will be here in two hours to set up."

"You're right. Care to join me in the shower. We have just enough time."

"I'm right behind you, Stud. Let's go," Justin said, pulling his shirt off over his head as he headed to the bedroom.

The end.

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