Something Missing, Something Found

Part 2

Part 2 of Amanda's challenge. This part is flashbacks, one for Brian and one for Justin. A few familiar people show up, like a certain doctor and a musician, both of whom we love to hate, are here.

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1999, Penn State

Brian and Lindsay sat in the bleachers watching the Nittany Lions as they won another game. Neither one really liked football, but it was the thing to do on a Saturday afternoon in State College. They had been "sorta" dating since the end of their freshman year. It was a mutual attraction, if not a great passion. He got points with the soccer team for having a babe girlfriend, even though she wasn't a cheerleader and she was the envy of her sorority. They did make a very striking couple. Both were tall and thin, her blonde hair and pale skin contrasted nicely with his chestnut hair and tanned skin. Brian Kinney was a star soccer player, soccer being his preferred sport. Lindsay was an art history major, whose own paintings had won many awards, both on a college level and among the local community, including as far away as Harrisburg.

Today, they were invited to an after game party at the head coach's home. Brian knew most of the football players, but never really hung around with them. They made their way around the large house, greeting people here and there.

"How soon can we leave, Linds?"

"Brian, we're not leaving. We've only been here a little while. Now get something to eat and act like you're enjoying yourself."

Brian handed Lindsay a beer as he took a long swig of his own. Lindsay made some comment about seeing an old friend, leaving Brian by himself in a secluded corner.

"What happened to your date?"

Brian jumped slightly at the intrusion. "What?" he asked, wrinkling his brow.

"Your date. Did she find someone a little more talkative?"

"I guess."

"David Cameron. Pre-med and tight end."

"That's nice."

"You're supposed to respond with your name."

"Brian Kinney," he said, reluctantly, but smiled anyway. "Pre-big advertising success and soccer hero."

"Ah. That's better, Brian Kinney. Umm, you care to go somewhere a little more, quiet?"

"What I want is to go home, but more quiet is good." He stood and followed the other man down the hall to another room, where they were totally alone.

Although Brian was fighting against it, he found himself attracted to the football player. His well-muscled body was accentuated in the tight tee shirt and worn jeans. Brian wanted to rub his hands over the hard muscles...No. He can't want that. It was wrong. Lindsay was out there, just down the hall.

David saw the shock in Brian's face. "Something wrong, Brian?"

"No. No. I have to go." David grabbed his arm as he started walking to the door.

"No one will come in. I know you want to be here, Brian. Not with your pretty friend."

"David," Brian said quietly as the other man stood facing him, lips only an inch away. "I've never, you know, been with anyone, a man. Not really."

"Brian, you are so beautiful." He was gently stroking Brian's face. "Why are you denying who you are?"

"I'm not," he said, even though he knew it was the truth. His mother was a devout Catholic, expounding the `rules' of the Bible on a daily basis. Along with the sins of murder and stealing, was the sin of homosexuality. Men sleeping with men is wrong, they will all burn in Hell. They were children of the devil. His father was no better, although he hadn't seen the inside of a church in years. Interest in the arts was for women and sissies. Real men played football and baseball and could tune a car and change the oil in the driveway. He settled for his son's playing soccer, figuring it was better than nothing. In private, he told his son of his sexual adventures with various women, giving his son the benefit of his expertise and slapping him on the back in that buddy/buddy way "real men" had. Brian had long ago decided that hiding his true feelings was the best thing for him.

"Yes, you are, my friend. Look, I don't know what your story is, but I'd really like to see you again. Alone. Can you get away, say, Tuesday evening? I have my own apartment off campus. It's small, but at least it's mine to do with as I want."

Brian was debating on making up a bogus assignment, but instead, nodded his head. David handed him a piece of paper with directions. "You have a car?"

"I can borrow Lin...I can get one."

Fifteen minutes later, Brian was standing by the Coach's trophy case when Lindsay put her arms around him. "There you are. I've been looking all over for you. I thought one of the cheerleaders got you."

"No, no cheerleaders," he said, forcing a laugh. "Let's go, okay?"

He managed to borrow Lindsay's car on Tuesday evening, telling her he had some soccer stuff to take care of. David showed him into the apartment, taking his coat and hanging it on a hook by the door. Brian looked around, thinking it was definitely a man's home.

"Drink?"

"Beer is fine. Nice place."

"Early jock, my mom calls it."

Brian smiled, glad for the levity. He put the glass bottle to his mouth and took a long swallow of the cold bitter liquid. David made small talk, drawing Brian into the conversation. When Brian finished his second beer, David took the bottle, lingering next to Brian as he sat the bottle on the table. Brian could feel the hot breath on his neck when David said his name. The feeling was entirely different than when Lindsay whispered his name. Immediately, his cock began to stir in his jeans, responding to the deep voice and male scent of the other man.

"Relax, Brian. I won't do anything you don't want me to do. Relax and let me show you what you've been missing."

Brian stood still as David pulled his sweater off. The first sensation of wet tongue on his chest sent a jolt through his body. He closed his eyes, letting the feeling wash over him. David undid the jeans and pushed them down, rubbing his hand over the obvious bulge in the white shorts. Brian waited, wanting David to continue, but at the same time wanting him to stop. He felt his shorts being lowered and David's hot mouth around the hardness. Brian's breathing came in short gasps, punctuated by uncontrolled groans. Before Brian could come, David stood and pulled Brian into a deep kiss. Brian tasted himself as the man's tongue begged for entrance.

Brian pulled back. "No, I can't," he said between gasps. "It's wrong." He was pulling up his jeans and looking for his sweater at the same time.

"Brian. Please, don't leave. Stay. Let's talk."

"No. I shouldn't have come here. It was wrong." With that, he was out of the apartment and running to the car, keys in hand. He was glad David hadn't followed him. By the time he pulled into the parking lot by Lindsay's sorority house, he was almost back to normal. He gave her back the keys, and refused her offer to stay for a while. He didn't want her to know what had happened, or almost happened. He didn't want her to smell another man on him.

Once back in his dorm room, he stood under the shower and allowed himself to think about what had happened with David. Just the thoughts made him hard again and he started to second guess his actions. "Would it have been so bad?" he thought. It had felt so good at the time. Different than with Lindsay, although she had done the same thing a few times. The feel of David's mouth, his hands, his lips. He stopped himself. He knew he was gay. Had known for years if he wanted to be truthful. He sighed as a tear slid down his face, mixed with the warm water of the shower. Lindsay had to be his future, not some jock football player.

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Pittsburgh, six months ago

Justin had been waiting outside the gallery for half an hour. "Ethan should have been here by now," he thought. He was starting to get worried, and pulled his cell phone from his pocket. Just as he was ready to hit the speed dial number for his boyfriend, Ethan came running up the steps.

"Oh, Baby, I'm sorry. Things got really nuts and I couldn't get away on time. The new conductor is a tyrant. I swear, it won't happen again."

Justin sighed, but smiled when he saw the big puppy dog eyes looking back at him. Ethan had been late before and he was sure it would happen again, no matter what his boyfriend said. After all, he was the youngest violinist in the symphony and felt he had to prove himself worthy all the time. If he wasn't practicing with the other musicians, he was practicing alone. Justin knew how much this meant to Ethan, and supported his efforts. But sometimes, he just felt a little lonely.

Justin shook his head, said and laughed. "Don't make promises you may not be able to keep. Come on, let go see the latest work by the newest star in the Pittsburgh art world."

"Yeah, and who would that be?"

They walked hand in hand into the gallery as Emmett ran up to them. "Where have you two been? Come on. People want to meet the artiste."

A month later, Ethan made excuses why he couldn't go with Justin to his family's for Sunday dinner. "The new piece just isn't coming together like it should."

Over the next few months new excuses were added. "Walter had the flu, I need to learn his part." "Maestro wants an extra rehearsal, the governor's party is very important." The trouble was, they were all so plausible and too easy to check out for him to believe that they were lies.

Justin offered to go with him, for moral support, he said, but Ethan always turned him down. "No, Baby, that's not necessary. Why don't you work on your paintings for the show. I'll be home in a few hours. I'll bring wine and we can have a little picnic on the floor, like we used to. Remember?"

The trouble was, Justin did remember. It seemed like back then, Ethan didn't want to let his lover out of his sight. They were the happiest when they were together. The simplest things brought a smile to their faces. Now, Justin couldn't deny it any longer. Ethan was seeing someone else. He just knew it. But whenever Justin brought the subject up, Ethan would deny it, and say all the right things and do all the right things. Justin wanted to believe him, so he did. He didn't want to throw the last four years away for no reason.

One day, Justin was getting the dry cleaning ready and went through the pants and jackets for loose change. Ethan was always leaving money in his pockets. Justin laughed as he found a quarter and two nickels in the front pocket of the brown slacks Ethan had worn last Sunday. Just in case, he checked the other pockets. A wrinkled piece of paper was pushed down in one of the back pockets. He opened it to make sure it didn't need to be saved before throwing it out.

His world was changed at that moment. All his suspicions were true. He read the note a second time, but the words remained the same.

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"E,

Dearest, meet me in the café tomorrow night. I've missed you. Love,

F".

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That night for dinner, Justin fixed Ethan's favorite meal and set the table with candles and flowers. The napkins were folded just so on each plate.

"What's the occasion?" Ethan asked, eyeing the flowers and candles and trying to remember if he forgot an anniversary. Nothing came to mind.

"Have a seat," Justin said, pulling the chair out for his boyfriend and ignoring the question Ethan had asked.

"It looks great. Mmmm my favorite wine. Here, let me pour some for you." Justin watched as Ethan poured the dark red liquid into the glass, then took a sip. Ethan smiled as he picked up his napkin and opened it to set it on his lap. His smile disappeared when he saw the wrinkled paper on the plate. He knew what it was without looking and his face paled. "Justin, it's not what you think."

"And what should I think? How long has this been going on?"

"Justin..."

"Stop saying my name." Justin downed his wine and stood up. Ethan felt the glare from the blue eyes.

It was no use to deny the truth. "Not long. A couple of months."

Justin continued to glare. "Six months. I'm sorry. I didn't want to hurt you. It just happened."

Justin walked into the bedroom, but before Ethan could follow him, he returned with a suitcase and duffel bag. "I'll be at Daphne's. I already moved most of my stuff out. I'll be back in the morning to get the rest. Don't be here. I'll leave the key on the coffee table when I leave. Good-bye." Justin walked to the door, then turned around. "Enjoy your dinner. It's your favorite."

Justin stayed with Daphne until he could find a new place to live. He was actually glad to be on his own. He still felt sad when he thought of Ethan, but his friends were showing him that there was life after Ethan.

Hunter and Justin had been friends almost as long as he and Daphne. In fact the three were almost inseparable. The kids in their high school called them The Three Musketeers. They remained friends through college, moving to Pittsburgh from their small hometown and sharing an apartment.

Hunter was the only one who knew that Justin was Daphne's `first time' when they were eighteen and Hunter helped Justin over the `weirdness' that happened as a result of the incident.  The fact that Hunter and Justin both turned out to be gay was just a stroke of luck. They were able to help each other cope with their sexuality and had done their own experimenting, safely, with each other instead of strangers.

Since Justin's breakup they had reverted back to some of their teenage behavior. Justin felt lost for a while after he left Ethan and Hunter was there to pick up the pieces.

Daphne had gone out of town and Justin was feeling really low. Hunter showed up at the door with packages of take out, all Justin's favorites. They sat on the floor at the coffee table eating pepperoni pizza and egg rolls. The box of KFC was opened and Justin gnawed hungrily on an extra crispy leg. "I love legs," he exclaimed, licking his fingers one by one. Hunter laughed and took his friend's hand and began licking the greasy digits, letting his tongue caress each one.

"Hunter, what?" His question was cut off when the other man leaned over and soundly kissed his mouth. Justin was stunned and turned on at the same time.

A short while later, the two friends were lying naked on the carpet, Hunter holding Justin while Justin finally let himself feel his grief for lost love and cry.

"You know, this isn't going to happen again." Justin nodded. "Feeling better?" Justin nodded again. "No weirdness, right?" Justin chuckled. "Good. Still friends?" Justin nodded.

They never talked about that evening again.

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