The Gospel, According to Brian Kinney

The gospel, according to Brian Kinney: There comes a time in every boy’s life when his manhood is tested. If he has the wit, the agility, and the courage to overcome the obstacles set before him, in the end there will be a great reward for his efforts. For Brian’s son, Gus Kinney, that time was now. Unfortunately, his first obstacle was his moms. It was Saturday morning, and much to the Gus’s dismay, mommy Mel was making breakfast for the family, grandma Marcus’ special recipe cheese blintzes.

Melanie proudly brought the platter of thick, folded dough to the table, and placed one on Gus’s plate. It landed with a heavy clump. “Ummm, doesn’t that look good?” She sprinkled it with powdered sugar.

Gus was not impressed. While mommy Mel’s cooking always left much to be desired, her grandmother’s special cheese blintzes were exceptionally horrible. “I’m not hungry. Can I go to the playground now?” Gus looked up at Lindsey.

“Not until after you’ve had your breakfast young man.” Melanie fixed Lindsey’s plate, and took a seat next to her.

“Yum.” Lindsey nudged her son underneath the table.

Gus thought for a moment before responding. His pop was always big on telling the truth. It was a unique quality that Brian was very proud of, and one that he instilled in his son. However, Justin had taught him that it’s not what you say, but how you say it. Gus searched his 6yr old brain for the words that would give politically correct credence to the block of wood…a.k.a, the cheese blintz on his plate. When he couldn’t come up with any, he remembered what Tony had taught him. There were times when a man was allowed to tell a white lie. Gus decided that this was one of those times. “Yum.” He forced a smile.

While Mel and Lindsey wrestled the tough pastries with their knives and forks, Gus sipped his orange juice, and waited for a way out of his predicament. His chance came when his moms were distracted by a women’s magazine article. It was then that Gus discretely slid the cheese blintz into his front jeans pocket. “I’m all done,” he announced.

“My, someone sure has a ferocious appetite this morning,” Melanie commented. “Would you like some more?”

“No thank you.” Gus pushed himself away from the table. “Can I go to the playground now?”

“Yes, but wash your hands first…..” Lindsey said.

“And be careful crossing the street….” Melanie added.

“I know, I know…and no talking to strangers.” Gus completed his moms usual warnings. The morning was wasting away; he needed to get on with his mission.

The race against the clock was on. Gus made a quick stop at the kitchen sink, before dashing out of the back door. He then ran around to the front of the house, and looked down the street at the playground, where the other children were just beginning to gather. Next door, Mr. Klein’s car wasn’t in the driveway. Good, he hadn’t returned yet. For Gus, this meant that there was still time.

The young man hurried around to the back of Mr. Klein’s house, and looked through the chain link fence at the big tree sitting in the middle of his neighbor’s yard. Below it was Mr. Klein’s beloved flowerbed. The grumpy old queen took pride in the fact that he had the most beautiful garden in the neighborhood. Among his prize blooms were the prettiest yellow and white flowers Gus had ever seen. Lindsey called them daisies.

Gus placed his hands on the gate, and eased it open. He looked to his left, then to his right. Yes, the coast was clear! Across Mr. Klein’s yard he scurried, and quickly plucked a handful of daisies from the rich, brown soil. That was easy; Gus smiled to himself. He was about to turn, and make a clean getaway when suddenly……

“Grrrrrrrrrrrrrr.”

Gus slowly turned around. The first thing that he saw was a pink ribbon, tied in a neat little bow, that held together a spray of silky, brown hair. It was Sapphire, the meanest pit-bull, trapped inside a toy Yorkshire terrier body. Fresh, and pretty from a traumatic morning at the groomers, she was already in a foul mood. Now adding insult to injury, there was someone pilfering in her yard.

“Grrrrrrr. Arf…Arf…Arf. Arf…Arf!” The diminutive sentry bolted from her back porch, and took off after the intruder.

Gus’s first instinct was to make a run for the gate, but with Sapphire bearing down on him fast, there wasn’t any time. Instead, he stuffed the stolen daises in the waistband of his jeans, and shimmied up the tree.

“Arf…Arf…Arf. Arf…Arf!”

“Sapphire. Shhh!” Gus put his finger to his lips.

“Arf. Arf…Arf!”

“Sapphire, what do you see girl, another squirrel?” Mr. Klein called from his kitchen window.

Shit! Gus buried himself deeper within the leaves of the branches. Now what was he going to do? The treed young man began to weigh his options. Of course he could always turn himself in, and throw himself on the mercy of his moms, and never see the playground again. No, that wouldn’t do. Maybe if he tried real hard, he could outrun Sapphire. Gus traversed the distance between the tree and the gate.

“Grrrrr! Arf. Arf…Arf!”

No, that wasn’t going to work either. Perhaps if he tried a more diplomatic approach. “Sapphire, pretty girl.” Gus tried to keep his voice down.

“Arf. Arf…Arf…Grrrrrrr!” Sapphire wasn’t buying it.

Gus needed to come up with a plan, or as Tony called it, a blueprint that creates cause & effect. Suddenly he remembered grandma Marcus’ special recipe cheese blintz in his front jeans pocket. It certainly looked like a dog biscuit. Gus peeked through the leaves, and waited until Mr. Klein was no longer visible in his kitchen window. He was only going to get one chance. Now! Gus removed the blintz from his pocket, and hovered it over Sapphire’s head. “Sapphire, do you want a treat girl?” he whispered.

The Yorkie immediately quieted down. The intruder had said the magic word. Treat.

Sapphire eyed the delectable morsel, as Gus slowly waved it left & right, before tossing it across the yard. “Go get it girl!” he said.

Sapphire took off after the treat, leaving Gus a window of opportunity to make his escape. Down the tree he shimmied. He had almost reached the bottom, when he lost his footing, and made a hard landing that caused the daisies to dislodge from his waistband. Gus glanced over his shoulder as he gathered up the lost flowers. All he could see was the pink bow in Sapphire’s hair charging back toward him. It was time for another decision to be made. Would he abandon the daisies to save his ass, or would he chance facing the wrath of Sapphire, and complete his mission?

The gospel, according to Brian Kinney: There comes a time in every boy’s life when his manhood is tested. If he has the wit, the agility, and the courage to overcome the obstacles set before him, in the end there will be a great reward for his efforts. Gus quickly finished gathering up the rest of the daisies. Now with Sapphire between him, and the gate, and hot on his heels, he made a mad dash for the fence. With flowers in hand, Gus took a giant leap of faith that landed him straddling the top bar of the chain link fence.

Unfortunately, Sapphire was equally determined not to allow the intruder to escape. Having been finagled by a fake doggie treat, she was now angrier than ever. The furious Yorkie made a leap of her own, and latched her teeth onto the pant leg of Gus’ jeans.

“Grrrr..Grrrr..Grrrrr”

Gus clung to the fence, and the flowers for dear life. Even with the steel bar pressing against his balls, there was no way he was letting go of either. Things had gone too far to abort his mission now. “Let go of me, you stupid dog!” He tried to shake his tormentor off.

“Grrrrrr!” Sapphire held on tighter.

In a desperation move, Gus held the daisies between his teeth, and removed his belt. One swat at the pink ribbon, and Sapphire released her grip. Gus threw his remaining leg over the top of the fence, and fell to the ground in a curled up heap.

“Arff..Arff..Arff..Arff..Arff!”

Sapphire continued her protest, but Gus couldn’t care at that moment. The pain between his legs was like nothing he had ever experienced before. Finally he was able to catch his breath, and gather up the daisies that had once again fallen onto the ground. The mortally injured young man limped off across his backyard, and around to the front of his house.
Down the street Gus could see the playground was now filled with children. He painstakingly wiped clean the battered petals he had worked so hard for, then brushed himself off, and replaced his belt through the loops of his jeans. Taking a cue from his pop, Gus took three deep cleansing breaths before heading off to complete his mission.

Confidence, a man should always exude confidence, is what Tony always said, and nothing exudes confidence like a proper walk. In true Brian Kinney style, Gus strutted across the street, to the playground, past the swings, the crowded monkey-bars, and over to the little kid’s sandbox. “Ahem!” He politely cleared his throat.

The playground attendant turned around. “Good morning, Gus,” she smiled.

“Happy Birthday, Angela.” Gus handed her the bunch of daisies.

“Ooooh, for me? That’s so sweet,” the teenage girl cooed, then knelt down, and hugged her pint size wooer.

Gus sank his face into Angela’s soft, ample breasts. His pop was right. There comes a time in every boy’s life when his manhood is tested. If he has the wit, the agility, and the courage to overcome the obstacles set before him, in the end there will be a great reward for his efforts. Gus vowed to never wash his face again.


 

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