What My Heart Knows

Notes: Thanks to Lois for her friendship and great beta ability, and making me look good. This is Ethan friendly and probably more realistic on how S3 will work out (I don't really think he'll turn into a monster and try to harm Justin)

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


It didn’t even take me twelve hours to realize that I had made a big mistake. I thought I knew what I wanted, but I realized, this morning, that I won’t find it here in this small, cluttered room. I try to get out of the bed without waking Ethan. He groans and turns over, but is soon back to sleep. I’m standing at the bedside watching him. One side of his face is wrinkled from the pillow cover, but it is still a beautiful face. Not as beautiful as Brian’s, of course, but beautiful in that dark Mediterranean casual way he has. I can’t help but compare the two men, which is unfair to Ethan because he will never win, no matter how long I’m with him. And right now, I don’t think it’s going to be a very long time. I grab my clothes from the floor and head into the bathroom, the only place I can be alone. After a quick shower, I put my clothes on and just sit on the closed lid of the toilet, trying to figure out what I’m going to do. I don’t have too many options open to me. I know I have to get some clothes and my school supplies from Brian’s loft, but I can’t stay there. I’m not too sure Deb would want me in her house right now, so that leaves my mom’s. She doesn’t really have room for me there, but maybe for a week or two it won’t be too bad.

“What a mess my life is right now,” I say softly. I want to brush my teeth, but I don’t even have a toothbrush here, so I put some toothpaste on my finger and rub it along my teeth then rinse my mouth out with a handful of water. That’ll have to do for now.

“You okay? You were in there for a long time.”

I jump at the sound of Ethan’s voice. I didn’t realize I had been in the bathroom for so long. He’s still lying on the bed, covered to his waist with a sheet. “Sorry. Didn’t know you were awake.”

“Why don’t you come on back to bed with me? We can take care of some stuff  we didn’t get to last night.” He has a silly smile on his face.

I try to smile, but don’t quite make it. How can I say no and not hurt him. “Ethan, I’m really not in the mood. Try to understand, please.”  When we got back to his apartment after leaving Babylon last night, I was so emotionally exhausted that I just took off my pants and shirt and laid down on the bed. I didn’t want to talk to Ethan or to anyone, really.  I knew he wanted to talk about what happened, but I pretended to go right to sleep. The fact of the matter was, I hardly slept at all. My mind was too full of Brian.

I could see the hurt on his face, but he was kind enough not to keep after me. Instead, he pushes the cover off and sits on the side of the bed, putting his underwear on then heads to the bathroom. He doesn’t say anything as he passes me, but he reaches up and touches my arm softly, and at that moment I think he realizes it’s not going to work out. Not even if he gives me time. Not even if he gives me space. He knows, and so do I.

“Oh, God,” I say to myself, covering my eyes with the palms of my hands, pressing as hard as I dared. When I do that, all I can see is Brian face as he watched me take Ethan’s hand and leaving Babylon, so I stop. And it dawns on me. He wanted me to see him in the backroom. He wanted me to leave like that, and I played his little game. After Michael’s party, you think I would have been a little wiser. I saw through that, even if Michael didn’t. All those times he told me he couldn’t love me, that he didn’t believe in love and relationships, and I finally believed him. Or at least my mind started to believe him. But my heart never did. I think it just got tired of being rejected.

When he comes out of the bathroom, I’m sitting on the bed petting Wolfie. He must have sensed my sadness, because he rubbed against my legs as he walked figure 8's around them. I picked him up and felt the soft fur against my cheek, and heard him purring. “If it were only that easy,” I say to him.

“Nothing’s ever that easy, is it?” Ethan answers.

“No, nothing.”

“Justin...”

I put my hand up and stop him before he can say anything else. “I’m sorry. Thank you for being there for me last night, but if you weren’t, I would have left anyway. At least I had someplace to go.”

“That’s all it was? Just someplace to go? You kissed me like that in front of everyone so you’d have someplace to go?”

“No. I didn’t mean it like that. It...I...Ethan, you don’t know what it took for me to leave like that. I love Brian. In my heart, I love him and I think I’ll always love him. But I had to make him understand that I wouldn’t put up with his attitude and actions any longer, and leaving was the only way I could do that. I’m going to my mom’s until I can get a dorm room. I need some time away from everything. I’m sorry if I, if you thought differently. I just can’t go from home to Brian’s loft to your apartment.”

“Justin, don’t you dare say you hope we can be friends.”

I knew I shouldn’t, but I sort of laugh at that. “Now that you mention it, I was going to say something like that. You are a friend, Ethan. And that’s all I need or want from you. Please, just be my friend.”

Wolfie walks across my thighs and lays curled up in his master’s lap. Perhaps, somehow sensing his loneliness, already. “I suppose you’re going to see him today, aren’t you?”

“I do have to get some things from the loft, so, yeah, I guess I’ll be seeing him today.”

Ethan just nods as he scratches through Wolfies fur. “Can we at least have some breakfast together? There’s a little coffee shop on the corner that has great jelly donuts. All flavors.”

“Yeah. That’d be nice.”

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Brian didn’t sleep much either that night. After Justin left the party, he danced a few more dances then made excuses to Michael and Lindsay and left. He didn’t want to face anyone else just then.  The phone rang several times, starting with Michael’s wake-up call at 7:30, then one at 8:30 and 9:30. Brian ignored them all. At noon, freshly showered, and dressed in his favorite jeans and T-shirt, Brian was looking around for something to eat that didn’t require cooking. He wasn’t having much luck, so he put a pot of coffee on to brew while he drank a glass of juice. The phone rang, but he let the answering machine pick up.

He heard Mikey’s voice again. “Brian, answer the phone. Are you up yet? Brian, it’s noon. If you don’t pick up, I’m coming over there. This is your last chance.”

“You’re not coming over here, Mikey,” he said angrily into the receiver. I don’t want any visitors and you can tell the rest of them the same thing.” He abruptly slammed the receiver down, hoping his friend got the message.

As he was pouring his second cup of coffee, there was a knock at the door. “Michael, I said you couldn’t come over here,” he yelled as he stomped to the door and yanked it open, only to be faced with two hopeful blue eyes.  The fleeting smile that crossed Brian’s face was quickly replace with a scowl.

“I’m sorry, Brian. I should have called first.”

“What do you want?”

“I need to get some things. Clothes and school stuff...toothbrush...” He let his voice trail off, unsure of what to say or do. Finally Brian stepped back and he walked into the room. “I’ll only be a few minutes.”

“You know where everything is. I’m not going to pack up for you.” Justin nodded and headed for the bedroom, carrying an empty duffle bag.

Brian was unsure about whether he should follow him up the stairs, or go back to the kitchen and finish his coffee. He wanted to see Justin, maybe talk, but it wouldn’t be the “Brian Kinney thing to do”.  He finally decided to just stay away from the bedroom.  He finished the cup of luke warm coffee and poured another cup, adding several spoonfuls of sugar. “What’s taking him so long? He said he would only be a few minutes,” he thought to himself as he took a sip from the cup. Finally, he got up and walked slowly to the stairs.

Justin had been taking his clothes from the drawers and placing them into the duffle bag. As he picked up the last of his shirts, a snapshot fell onto the floor. It landed face down, so Justin didn’t know what it showed until he picked it up and turned it over. Someone had snapped a picture of them dancing after Pride. He remembered the song, “Dancing Queen”, and thought how appropriate it was. The armful of clothes fell to the floor as Justin sat on the bed, holding the snapshot tightly. He looked so happy that night. So did Brian. Brian was looking at him with such...love...in his eyes. That’s the only way to describe it. All he could do was stare at the two people in the picture and wonder where they went.

He didn’t hear Brian climb the stairs and walk over to him. “Hey, Stud.” Brian sat on the bed next to Justin, but careful not to touch him. He too, couldn’t take his eyes off the photo.

When Justin looked up, his eyes were all glassy. “What happened to those two people, Brian?”

“I think they just got lost somewhere. They look good together, don’t they?”

“They look like they’re in love.”

“They are.”

“Is it enough?” Justin looked into Brian’s eyes. “Is it enough, Brian?”

“More than enough, Baby. More than enough. We can work it out. Together we can do it.”

Return to Cheryl's Fanfiction