SEA BLUE EYES

Sea blue eyes stare at me and I’m lost. I smile and think to myself, ‘ I’m lost at sea.’ Lost in the pools of bright blue, soft blue, cloudy blue, indigo, azure and cornflower blue. And I don’t ever want to be rescued.  How did I get here? How did I let myself fall under his spell?

How many times had I denied what was truly in my heart? I fought hard against it. At least I thought I did. Maybe I knew it was just a matter of time before I couldn’t fight all the feelings any more. So I finally let them into my heart. And perhaps, more importantly, into my mind. And here I sit, in this little room that not so long ago was my office, watching TV with the man I love more than anything in this world. I should say, he’s watching the television. I’m watching him.  Memorizing him. Desperately trying to hold onto the moments we have.

He caught me staring, again. “What are you looking at, Brian?”

“Nothing.”

“Yes, you were. You were looking at me. Tell me what  you see?”

“I see...the man I fell in love with all those years ago. Your eyes are as blue as they were the first night we were together. I still get lost in them, Baby.  Have I told you lately how much I love you?”

“Yes, you just did. And I love you, too, more than I did back then, if that’s possible.”

Justin grabbed Brian’s arm as the pain surged through him. Brian could see the effects of the pain on Justin’s face no matter how hard he tried to conceal it. He held his partner close to him til the worst of the pain subsided, then got off the bed.

“Don’t leave,” Justin said weakly, as he held on to Brian’s hand.

“I’m just getting your pain medication, Hon. I’ll be right back,” Brian said. Justin nodded, thankful that he had Brian in his life.

Brian walked into the bathroom adjacent to Justin’s room and pushed the door so that it was partially closed, hiding him from Justin’s line of sight. He placed both hands on the sink and hung his head. He hated what Justin was going through. He wanted to make it all better, but he couldn’t. When he looked up, he caught himself in the mirror. He looked tired. He hadn’t slept much the past few weeks, since Justin had gotten worse. But he knew he wouldn’t trade this time with his Baby for anything in the world. His Baby. Brian laughed. His baby was almost 50 years old. Where did all the time go? And how much time was left? The jelly beans were getting
mighty low...if only time would stop...No it was too late. This whole episode had to play out as written and with every line, Brian’s world became just a little more lonely.  Brian pushed himself up and reached for the bottle of pain pills. Perhaps it was time to get that I.V. stuff the hospice nurse mentioned. He would have to talk Justin into it, though. He kept saying he didn’t want to be “too out of it”. He wanted to be able to enjoy his time with Brian and all the friends who came by regularly. Palming two of the oxycodone tablets, Brian took a deep
breath and opened the bathroom door. Again entering the bedroom, he reached into the small refrigerator and
poured Justin some juice. He walked over to the hospital bed they had set up in the first floor room. That room was now their home. It was where Brian spent most of his time, and where the guests visited, except when Justin was asleep.

Justin had his eyes closed, but Brian knew by the grimace on his face that he was not asleep.  “Justin,” Brian said softly. Justin opened his eyes and slowly took the offered pills and sipped the juice. “Try to drink all of it, Baby.” Justin shook his head. “Justin, let me call Karin and get the PCA Morphine she mentioned. That way, you could give yourself your pain medication without having to wait.”

Justin sank back into the pillow, a small smile on his lips. “Yeah. Maybe that would be good.  Stay with me til I go to sleep.”

Brian smiled and carefully stretched out on the bed next to his partner. He let Justin get comfortable,  with his head on Brian’s shoulder, and one arm thrown over his chest. Brian held Justin til his steady breathing told him Justin was asleep. Brian had his own bed against the wall, but seldom would Justin let him sleep there. They had slept in the same bed for thirty years, and it was hard to break old habits. He eased out of the bed and kissed Justin on the forehead. He stood by the bedside and watched his lover for a few minutes, making sure he
was asleep. When he was satisfied that Justin would be sleeping for a while, he tidied the sheet over Justin’s
shoulders and left the room, leaving the door open a crack to make sure he could hear if Justin needed him.

“Karin,” Brian said into the phone. “It’s Brian Kinney. Umm, Justin’s agreed to the Morphine pump.” He listened to the hospice nurse then answered. “He’s sleeping right now. I gave him two oxycodone about 45 minutes ago. They take so long to work now, and even when he’s asleep, he moans, even with the Fentanyl patch.” Brian’s voice cracked as he talked with the nurse. Karin said she would set everything up and be at the house in less than two hours.

********************************************************************************************

Brian almost didn’t hear the car drive up to the house because of the pouring rain. He had the door open before the door bell could disturb Justin. Michael put down the food he carried and hugged his friend. Michael knew something was wrong when Brian held on just a little longer than usual.

“Brian? What’s wrong? Come on, sit down and talk to me.

“Karin was here today. Justin finally agreed to the Morphine pump.  Everything’s going too fast, now, Mikey.” Michael nodded and noted the use of his childhood nickname.  Brian was  the only one who still called him that. Even Emmett had stopped using it many years ago.

Michael knew what he had gone through when Ben died. He also knew that nothing he said would matter in the scheme of things. Brian was in his own pain, and nothing anyone said would help. So he sat and held his boyhood friend as tears silently fell from both sets of eyes.

Justin awoke several hours later. He laid in the semi-darkness, listening to the sounds around him. The steady gentle rain outside was soothing. He’d loved the rain all his life. He was always the boy in the puddle beside the road, shoes soaking wet and not caring that his mother would scold him when he went home. The draperies weren’t closed all the way, and he watched the rain drops hit the glass and fall in rivulets down the window, meandering this way and that before reaching the bottom. They reminded him of a game he and Molly played,
trying to trace the pattern of the water down the window with their fingers. He turned his head to watch the
shadows on the opposite wall, wishing he still had the strength to capture the images on paper or canvas. Watercolors. That’s what he would use. Pale grays and blues.  Silver...his eyes closed and he was soon asleep again, a smile on his face.

“He’s so beautiful, isn’t he Mikey.”

Michael smiled. “He always was. You two were the most beautiful couple on Liberty Avenue.”

“Let him sleep a little longer,” Brian said quietly, backing out of the room. “We can get the food ready, then see if he’s awake. What do you mean, we were the most beautiful couple? We still are.” Michael rolled his eyes and the two men busied themselves with dinner.  Chet, Michael’s partner of 10 years, was a chef and had pretty much kept Brian and Justin fed over the last month. He always had something special for Justin, tasty but not too spicy.  Michael heated the food while Brian got out trays, china and silverware. On Justin’s tray he placed a small plum glass bud vase with a white rose bud in it. When everything was set up, he went into Justin’s
room to see if he was ready to eat.

“Look at the rain shadows, Brian. Aren’t they beautiful? I was trying to think how I’d paint them.”

Brian watched the ever changing shadows and knew only Justin could transfer the softness to canvas. “However you did it would be wonderful, Hon. Supper’s ready. Are you  hungry? Chet sent over some great looking soup. Wild rice and mushroom, Michael said.”

“Yeah, actually I am. I think that’s what woke me up, the smell of the food.  Is Michael still here?” At Brian’s nod he added, “Let’s eat in the dining room. I want to get out of here for a while. And I need to go to the bathroom, too.”

Brian helped Justin on with his robe and slippers and then to the bathroom.  Brian held Justin around the waist. Mostly, Justin leaned on Brian, but at least he was still able to get up for short periods to shower, use the bathroom and, like tonight, eat in the living room or dining room.  Justin called the shots, and Brian followed, letting Justin decide what he was up to doing.

An hour later the three men were sitting in the living room. Brian and Michael each had a beer and Justin was sipping a glass of ginger ale. The activity had worn him out, and he was fighting the drowsiness that was overtaking him. When he almost dropped his glass, Brian took it and said it was time for him to get some sleep.

“I slept all afternoon, Bri. I just want to sit here like we used to. If I fall asleep here with you, it wouldn’t be the first time.” Brian recognized the sound of his voice, and knew Justin wouldn’t back down.

At nine o’clock, Michael left and Brian helped Justin back to bed, after a quick trip to the bathroom again. Lips met lips, as Brian leaned over to kiss Justin before getting himself ready for bed. Half asleep, Justin wrapped an arm around Brian’s neck, holding him there. “It was a good evening, wasn’t it, Bri?”

“The best, Baby. Want me to lay here with you til you doze off?” Justin nodded. “Okay, get comfortable.” With Justin lying on his left side, Brian spooned in behind him and held him gently.

“Brian. I love you.”

Brian held on just a little tighter. “I love you, too, Justin.”  Justin was asleep in seconds, but Brian didn’t move. He thought back on the dinner and conversation. It had been the best evening. For the first time in months, Brian fell asleep with a smile, and Justin didn’t moan all night.

********************************************************************************************

Emmett, ever the drama queen at 56, sashayed into the house carrying a fushia shopping bag. “Is the Princess sleeping?”

“Princess?” Brian asked, not believing the lime green pants and shirt his friend wore.

“Brian, there’s only room in this family for one queen. That’s me. Justin will always be my Princess. So, is he asleep?”

“Well, he was until you came in. Let me see.” Brian headed for Justin’s room, and just as he suspected, was met with blue eyes and a smile. Emmett was the only other person Justin gave that look to. Being the two youngest of the Liberty Avenue bunch, they had formed a special friendship that has lasted all these years.

“Em is here. I heard him. Bring him in.” Justin was already elevating the head of his hospital bed when Emmett strolled into the room. “Em, you look especially dashing today.  To what do I owe this honor?”

“Justin, you look fabulous. Can’t say much for those pajamas, though. Brian, doesn’t Armani make some acceptable sleep wear? Maybe dark blue. That would go good with his eyes.”

“What’s in the bag, Em?”

“You’ll see later.”

The doorbell rang and Brian left the two men. He was surprised to see Ted and Michael on the other side. “Come on, we’re going to be late.”

“Late for what? What are you talking about?” Brian looked questioningly at his friends.

“We’re taking you out for the afternoon. Let’s go.”

“I can’t go out. Justin...”

“Em’s here, isn’t he? Justin won’t be alone,” Michael said. “Besides, Emmett knows what to do. He has all the phone numbers. You’re coming with us to Woody’s and you can’t say no.  Nothing like a little beer, a few cheese straws and some conversation with old friends to relax the soul.

Emmett came out of Justin’s room. “Oh, good. You’re here. Brian, go. Us girls need some time to ourselves. Shoo.”

Brian looked at the three men standing there. Emmett’s hands on his hips, Michael with his arms crossed over his chest and Ted, well, Ted just stood there. “Let me tell Justin bye, and change my shirt.”

Brian leaned over to kiss Justin. “I’ll be fine, Bri. Have a good time.”

“Why do I get the feeling you knew about this already.” His only answer was a shrug and a twinkle in his blue eyes. “The queen has my mobile phone number. If you need anything...”

“Out, Brian.”

Emmett saw the three men out and closed the door. He took a deep breath, and joined Justin in the small room. Justin’s eyes were closed and he looked tired. “Honey, if you don’t want to do this, let me know, and I can sit here with you. How about some ginger ale or orange juice.”

“Ginger ale. Can we just talk?”

“Sure, Honey. Here.”

When they were settled, Justin started. “I’m glad the guys agreed to take Brian out. I don’t think he’s been out anywhere in over a week. I worry about him.”

“I know you do, Princess. You’ve always worried more about him than yourself. He’ll be okay, we’ll see to that.”

“You’ll keep your part of the bargain, right? You’ll be there for him, like you’ve always been there for me? You won’t let him do anything...stupid?”

“Hon, Brian will be fine. It may take a while, you know, though.”

“I’ve been having these dreams. I haven’t told him about it. I dreamt that Vic was calling me. He was far away, but I know it was him. Last night, he called me again, only this time he was closer.  I told him I wasn’t ready yet and he said he’d wait for me. I have to know Brian will be alright.”

Emmett kissed Justin on the cheeks. The pale skin felt cool to his lips.

“I’m so tired, Em.”

“You sleep, then, Baby. Em will be right here. Do you need anything?”

“Lay here with me?”

“Sure. Anything for my Princess. It’s a good thing we both kept our girlish figures or we wouldn’t fit here, would we?” Justin let out a little laugh. “That’s better, now. Sleep before the three little pigs get home.”

********************************************************************************************

“Dad, it’s Gus.”

“Gus, is something wrong? You should have been here two hours ago.”

“I know. Sorry for not calling sooner. Marty was called into work for a few hours, so we couldn’t leave til eleven. We should be there in...half and hour or so. Uhh, how’s Papa?”

“Anxious to see our grandson, just like me.”

“You haven’t been around an eight year old lately. Put up the breakables, and put on your running shoes, Dad. Tornado Freddie is about to arrive.”

“Can hardly wait, Son,” he said, laughing, as he hung up.

“Brian.”

“Coming.”

“Was that Gus? Is something wrong?”

“Just got a later start than planned. They should be here in half an hour.  Do you need anything before they get here?”

“Yeah. Help me to the living room?  We’re going to have a busy weekend, huh?”

“Remember, Gus said if they get to be too much, Michael offered to put them up.”

“Uh Uh. Since they moved to Allentown, we don’t get to see them enough as it is. I want to spend as much time with them as I can.”

“You’re the boss.”

“And don’t you forget it.”  Brian carried Justin to the sofa and covered him with a green and yellow quilt Debbie had made, then went back to straighten Justin’s bed and tidy up. When he was done, he went back to the kitchen to check on supper. It was another of Chet’s masterpieces, and Justin’s favorite-chicken parmigiana, except it was made into a lasagna-like casserole layered with fresh mushrooms, three kinds of cheese, pasta and sauce made from Debbie’s own recipe. When Michael first started dating Chet, everyone made jokes that the only reason they were together was because Chet wanted Deb’s recipes. That was ten years ago, and they were still together. Ted says it’s because he wants all the ‘secret’ recipes Deb hid, and he’s still looking for them.

Suddenly, the front door blew open and a miniature Gus ran into the room.  “Grampa Brian, it’s me. Grampa Justin, it’s me.”

“Hey, Tiger,” Brian leaned down just in time to catch his grandson as he launched himself into the air. “Oof. My goodness, you’re gettin’ big.”

“Freddie, you’re too heavy for Grandpa to be lifting you. Brian, put him down. He knows better.”

“Now, now, Martin, I’ll let you know when he’s too big for me to pick up and hug. How are you doing? Had to work today, huh?”

“Surprise inspection. They called me in at 0500. But we passed.”

“Good for you.”

“Let me down Grampa Brian. I want to go see Grampa J.”

“Freddie, remember Grandpa J isn’t feeling too good, so don’t go jumping on him. Understand?”

“Yeah. My Dads’ already told me and told me. They think I’m a baby.”

While Freddie and Martin were with Brian, Gus went into the living room and gave his Papa a hug. “Gus, you look so good. I missed you.”

“Same here, Papa.” Gus tried not to let his surprise at how thin and pale Justin had gotten since last month. “Morphine still working alright for you?”

“Pretty good most of the time. I can give myself extra doses if I need them, so it’s okay. Enough about me. Where’s that family of yours?”

Just then Freddie came running into the living room and stopped about two feet from the sofa.  “Hi, Grampa J.”

“How about a hug, Bug.”

“Is it okay, Dad?”

“I said it was okay. Come on up here,” Justin said patting his lap.

Freddie climbed as gently as an eight year old can onto his Grampa J’s lap and was immediately enfolded by two loving arms. “I missed you, Bug.” Martin was standing behind the sofa, watching the scene before him.

Gus, who was fighting back tears, got up and headed to the kitchen, but not before Marty gave him a comforting hug and kiss. As soon as Brian saw his son, he took him into his arms. “Don’t let him see you crying, Gus. Come outside with me.”

Brian led Gus to the porch. “Why didn’t you tell me how bad he looks, Dad?  He’s skin and bones. The change in one month. I can’t believe it.” Brian held Gus until the tears stopped. “It’s been so gradual for me, I didn’t think how it would look to you.”

“Is he really doing as well as he seems? I mean, he’s sitting in the living room and he seems lucid.”

“I have to carry him now. He’s too weak to walk. That reminds me, he doesn’t want Freddie to see him being carried. When he’s ready to go back to bed, can you or Martin take Freddie upstairs until I get him settled?”

“Sure, Dad.” After a few minutes to compose himself, he asked when supper was going to be ready. They both went inside as the timer went off for the garlic bread.

“Okay, everyone dish up. We’re eating in the living room tonight. Trays are set up, just pile the food on and enjoy.”

“This is great, Brian. Who cooked it?” Marty asked as he put another forkful of the pasta in his mouth. He was working on his second helping.

“You don’t think I cooked it? You ungrateful scoundrel.”

“I know you didn’t, it tastes too good. I’ll bet Chet the Chef cooked it. Am I right?”

Justin joined in the laughter, but Brian had been watching him give himself extra pain med as often as he could.  Justin saw Brian staring at him, and gave a slight nod.  “Gus, why don’t you take Freddie upstairs and see what we left for him in his room.”

“A surprise for me, Grampa? Are you coming, too?”

“Yes, a surprise for you. I’ll be up later to see it.”

“I want to see this, too. Come on let’s go,” Marty said as he followed his son up the stairs.

Brian was immediately at Justin’s side. “Thanks, Bri. I really need to lay down.”

“No problem. Let’s go. You want to go to the bathroom first?” Justin nodded.  “Okay.”

Once Justin was all tucked in, Brian went to get everyone so they could say goodnight. Freddie went first, before Justin fell asleep. “Night, Grampa J. I love you. Hope you feel better tomorrow.”

“Now that you’re here, I’m sure I will,  Bug. Love you.”

Gus and Martin said their goodnights to Justin and took Freddie out of the room. “Alone at last.”

“Lay down.” Brian spooned behind him, holding him in his arms. “Brian, we have a nice family, don’t we? Gus and Martin are good together.”

“They are. And we do have a great family. You know, most of the credit for that is yours. I don’t think I would have been as good a father to Gus if it weren’t for you. You had the level head about things.”

“Someone had to....” Justin’s breathing slowed to a steady rhythm as he fell asleep. After a few minutes, Brian slowly got up, making sure Justin stayed asleep, kissed him and went to join the rest of his family.

********************************************************************************************

“Grampa Brian?” Freddie had climbed onto the stool by the breakfast bar.  Brian watched as his pajama clad grandson stared at him with the most serious expression an eight year old could muster. Brian couldn’t help but see a young Gus stare back at him. Except for the dark eyes and hair he inherited from Martin’s side of the family, he was a little Gus.  “Grampa Brian.”

“What, Tiger?”

“Is Grampa J real sick? I mean really, really sick?”

Brian stopped flipping pancakes for a moment then answered. “Yes, Freddie.”  Flip, flip. “He’s really, really sick.” Flip, flip.

“Will he be able to come to my birthday party in July?”

Brian looked out the window at the spring blooms. “No, Freddie, he won’t.”  Flip, flip. This time the sausage patties were turned over.

“I didn’t think so.” For a minute the only sound in the kitchen is the sizzle of the cooking sausage. Then, “Grampa Brian, can I eat on Grampa’s bed beside him? Just me and him?”

“You bet, Tiger. I think Grampa J would love that.”

********************************************************************************************

The warm water fell over the naked bodies as Brian rubbed the soap softly over pale shoulders.  Justin let the feeling wash over him as his mind flashed back to the glass enclosed shower of the loft. How many times had they showered together there, making love as the water flowed over their naked bodies? This was one of Justin’s favorite times of the day. He was relaxed and the pain seemed to subside. Brian’s touch was still amazing, even after all these years. Years that had been good to them both, even now. Justin’s hair was darker, his skin paler, his body thinner, but Brian didn’t see any of it as he stooped to wash Justin’s legs. Making
sure all the soap was rinsed off, Brian turned off the spray of water, opened the shower door and wheeled the shower chair into the bathroom. He grabbed one warm towel and wrapped it around Justin’s shoulders and another with which to dry his legs and feet. Once they were both dry, Brian donned some briefs, then carried Justin back to the freshly made bed and helped him on with the clean pajamas, fixed the covers over him and laid down beside him. It was automatic now, a nightly ritual.

Both men were lying on their backs, bathed in the pale moonlight coming through the window.  They held hands over the covers, fingers entwined, arms touching. Neither man said anything for a long time.

“Bri?”

“Hmmm?”

“I wish we...you...” Justin paused but continued when he felt Brian squeeze his hand. “I wish we could make love...you know...like we used to.”

“We are making love, Baby. We are, right now.”

“I know, but...”

Brian turned on his side and kissed his lover. “No, Justin. I love you.  You’re all I ever wanted.  Laying here like this with you is as good as any night we’ve ever spent together. I have you in my arms, I can feel you. I’ll always feel you. The rest was wonderful, but it’s not everything. It took me a while, but I learned that lesson well.”

********************************************************************************************

“Brian, wake up. Gus is late for school. It’s 8:30."

Justin’s voice startled Brian. “Justin, Hon, look at me.”

“What, Brian? We have to get Gus up.” He pushed the covers off and tried to get up.

“Justin, stop. It’s okay. Where are you, Baby?” Brian’s mind was reeling.  ‘Not yet, please, not yet.’

“What do you mean, ‘where am I’? We’re in the loft...” He stopped talking and looked around like he was seeing the room for the first time. A tear formed in the corner of his eye as he realized what happened. “Brian, hold me.”

Brian moved as close to Justin as he could and enveloped him in his strong arms. They lay like that for several minutes, just being close. Justin was the first to speak.  “I’m not afraid, Brian.  Really, I’m not. There’s a lot of people waiting for me. Vic said he’d be the first one to welcome me.”

Confusion crossed Brian’s face. Did Justin know what he was saying right now? “Justin?”

“I know what I’m saying, Bri. I’ve been having dreams...about Vic. They started a few weeks ago. At first it was his voice, calling me. I could make out a figure way in the distance, but I knew it was Vic and I felt, I don’t know, peaceful, I guess is as close as I can come. They come every few nights. In each dream, he gets closer and closer. I can see him so clearly now. I keep telling him that I’m not ready just yet and he says that’s alright, take whatever time I need. That he’ll be waiting for me. Brian, I have a harder and harder time saying “not
yet” to him.”

Brian lay there, trying to process what Justin was saying. “Why haven’t you said anything to me about these dreams?”

“After thirty years, don’t you think I know you, Brian Kinney? I didn’t want to see that look on your face. The one that I know is there right now. That sad, defeated, scared look because you couldn’t make it all better for me. But you have made it better. I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t here to help me and care for me, care about me.  I’m just not sure how much longer I can do this. I don’t want to leave you.”

Both men were crying and holding on to each other. All the feelings of helplessness on both sides had finally made themselves known. When there were no more tears to be shed, Brian helped Justin get ready for the day. A calm had settled in the room. They were together with an ease that they had never know before. In the corner, Vic watched over his boys, knowing Justin would be with him soon.

*******************************************************************************************

Brian rarely slept or ate. Instead, he sat by Justin’s bed holding his hand, or if he was in his own bed, he remained awake, listening for any sound Justin made. The only time he left Justin’s side was to use the bathroom. Michael called Gus two days before and they packed up and came right out.  Justin was slipping in and out consciousness and Gus and Martin had said their goodbyes.

“Grampa J, it’s me, Freddie.” The young boy was on the bed next to his ‘grampa’, whispering in his ear. Justin opened his eyes and curled one corner of his mouth up into a smile.

“Hey, Bug”

“I love you Grampa J.”

“Love..you, too.”  Freddie laid his head down on the pillow and put his little hand on Justin’s shoulder.

“Freddie, be careful. Why don’t you...”

“No..it’s..kay..stay.” Justin was having difficulty breathing and the words were hard to get out.

“Papa, don’t talk. Freddie can stay there for as long as you want.” Gus leaned down and kissed Justin on his cheek. “I love you.”

“You...too.” Justin closed his eyes for a minute. “Brian?”

“I’m right here, Baby. I’m right here.” Brian combed through Justin’s hair with his fingers. He motioned to Martin to take his family out of the room.

“Come on son, let Grampa Brian be alone with Grampa J for a while.” Freddie kissed his Grampa one more time and carefully climbed off the bed. After giving Brian a hug, he took his Dad’s  hand and left the room.

“Hold me..Vic..here.”

Brian gently stretched out next to his lover, holding him as tightly as he dared. “I know, Baby.  I’ve felt him here all morning.”

“I want...go... with him...tired...so tired...sun shine...”

“It’s alright, my Love. You can go with Vic. You’ve been so brave. I love you.”

“Love...you...Brian...”

Justin’s breathing slowed then stopped. Brian didn’t let go for a long time. Sunshine streamed into the window, brightening the room.

“Goodbye, Justin, my Sunshine, my Love, my Life. Vic will take care of you til I get there.”

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