DADDY DEAREST

The silver Mercedes slowly pulled into the parking lot. The driver turned off the engine, but didn’t get out. He wondered if this was the right thing to do, but after ten minutes of rethinking his position, he got out and headed up the pathway to the administration building. He gave his message to the clerk, who directed him have a seat, pointing to the gray sofas at the opposite end of the office.  He nodded and sat down, but could only stay seated a few minutes. He was too nervous. He told the clerk he would wait in the hallway and left.

Justin was sitting in the library reading about abstract art and reviewing his notes for the exam later that day. He was graduating soon and was anxious for school to end. Not that he hadn’t learned a lot the past four years, but he was more than ready to start his career. He’d had offers of jobs in L.A. and N.Y., not to mention a dozen other cities in between, but he had chosen to stay in Pittsburgh. Although the job was at entry level,  the position in the graphics department of the new advertising firm would leave him time to continue his sketching and painting, and give him a decent income of his own. An income with which he would be able to pay part of the expenses for the loft even though Brian said that wasn’t necessary. After many heated ‘discussions’, Brian finally realized what Justin was saying, and agreed to let him contribute to the expenses. Justin was grateful for all the monetary  help Brian had given him when he needed it, asking nothing in return. “It’s only money. I can afford it,” was his standard response.

“Justin? Justin,”  the voice whispered. When he looked up, one of the library aides stuck a note in his hand then said, “You’re wanted in the admin office.” Message delivered, the young girl went back to her computer. Justin gathered up his books and portfolio and left the room.

I wonder what’s going on. Something must be wrong at home. All he could think of was that his mom or Molly had been in some kind of accident. Or Brian. He picked up his pace as he exited the art building, making his way over to the administration building.

He stopped suddenly when he saw who was waiting for him. Craig Taylor looked up as the door noisily closed behind Justin. He hadn’t seen his son in almost four years, and was surprised at the man before him, not the boy he remembered. “Justin.”

Justin’s first thought was to turn and walk out, but his legs wouldn’t move. “What are you doing here?” He couldn’t keep the contempt out of his voice.

“You look good, Son,” Craig said, ignoring the question and the voice for now.

“Don’t call me ‘son’. You lost that right four years ago. I’ll ask once more, what are you doing here? I was in the middle of something important.”

“S...Justin.  Your Aunt Katy told me you were graduating next month. I just wanted to see you.” He paused, hoping Justin would say something. When all he got in return was glaring blue eyes, his shoulders slumped a little. He continued, some of the hope he had for reconciling with his son, gone. “Can we go somewhere else, maybe lunch at The Barn?”

“They closed a year ago.”

“Well, how about Sam’s Deli?”

“Sam died. It’s now an ice cream shop.”

“Jesus, Justin. I’m trying here. Where do you want to go?”

“The cafeteria. I have a big exam this afternoon.”

Craig knew he was going to have to play by Justin’s rules if he was going to gain any ground today. “Sure. I’ll buy.” Justin turned and walked out of the building without saying anything to Craig. Craig sighed and followed his son out the door.

They went down the serving line choosing the food from the surprisingly big selection. When they came to the cashier, Justin pulled some bills from his pocket.

“I said I was buying.”

Justin just glared at the older man. “I pay my own way. You don’t owe me anything.” With a resigned look, Craig paid for his own food, and followed Justin to a table along the large wall of windows.

Justin loved sitting there. He could see the small garden, with it’s myriad of colors from the reds, blues, yellows and greens of spring and summer until fall when the leaves took on golden, rust and orange hues. In the winter, the snow drifted against the boulders, and covered the rest of the garden and lawn in a carpet of white. Leafless trees looked like dark skeletons against the white wonderland. Shapes and shadows ever changing. Although Justin preferred sketching people, sometimes the human form couldn’t compare with what he saw from that window. And now he kept his eyes on the spring blossoms, new, fresh and familiar, yet different every day. He could feel his father.....no not his father... ‘Craig’, as he referred to him when he did have to refer to him at all, watching him.

“Aren’t you going to eat?”

Justin looked toward the voice, shrugged and took a bite of his hamburger. “You never did say why you were here,” he said around a mouthful of food.

“Don’t talk with your mouth full, Justin. It’s very unbecoming.”

Justin swallowed. “What? Now you’re telling how to eat? Please. I outgrew that long ago. I’m asking you again, why are you here?”

“Son, look,” Craig started to say, when he saw Justin’s eye’s darken. “Justin,” he emphasized. “I haven’t seen you in almost four years. I was in town on business, and I just wanted to stop by to see how you were doing.”

“Uh huh.” Justin poked a french fry in the catsup then into his mouth, chewed and swallowed before saying anything else. “You didn’t bother to stop by when I was in the hospital after the prom, you didn’t ask how I was doing when you refused to pay my tuition. How about last year when mom was sick and Molly was scared she was going to die. I was the one who comforted her and held her when she cried, not you. It was me. And Brian.  If it weren’t for him, I don’t know what I would have done. He’s the one whowas there for me. Not you.”

At the mention of Brian’s name, Craig threw down his fork and watched it bounce across the plate. “What does that pervert have to do with this conversation? I thought you left him long ago.”

Justin smiled. “I did, for a few months. We’ve been together now for almost three years. We love each other and he’s not a pervert. He’s good and kind and he loves me. And I love him,” Justin paused for effect, then continued, “more than anything else in my life.”

Craig flashed back to the ‘conversation’ he had with Justin when he was 17. Justin had said those same exact words then and Craig hated them as much now as all those years ago. “I’m sorry, Justin. I thought things could be different. I see they can’t. As long as you’re with him...” He got up to leave.

“Oh, Craig,” Justin called after him, “ You have to put your tray over there in the clean-up line before you leave.” Justin smiled and pointed to a small window at the other end of the large room.  Craig grabbed the tray, spilling his coffee and hurried to the clean-up window and out of the cafeteria.

Justin watched him as he went through the door. The smile was gone. In it’s place, what? Regret, sorrow, hatred? He wasn’t sure right then. Maybe all three, maybe something else he wouldn’t ever understand. He dug through his backpack for his phone and pressed the number 1.

As soon as Brian saw the display, he answered. “Hey, Sunshine, what’s up?”

“I love you.”

“I love you, too. Are you alright? You sound a little funny.”

“I’m okay. I just wanted to hear your voice. I have to get back to class for my exam.”

“Justin,” Brian started to question him, but decided that if Justin wanted to talk about it, he would.  Instead, he sat back in his chair and put his feet up on the desk. “I’m glad you called. I needed to hear your voice, too.”

“Gotta go. Later.”

“Later, Baby.”

They hung up, each with a smile on his face.

Brian still couldn’t believe how lucky he was. Justin was with him and wanted to stay. He even turned down several job offers to stay in Pittsburgh. Justin had pointed out that the job he did take was at a new agency, and there was plenty of opportunity for advancement. Brian knew that the experience would be good for him, and he would have time to devote to his own painting and sketching.

“Later,” Justin whispered again, this time to the now dead phone. He closed his eyes and pictured Brian in his dark blue Armani suit, feet up on the desk, smiling as he talked.  He loved the sound of Brian’s voice. No matter how bad  he was feeling, Brian could make everything better just by talking to him.

“Justin, let’s go. You’ll be late for class.” Justin looked up to see Phil and Erin standing by the table. “Boy, where were you?” Phil asked, seeing the faraway look on Justin’s face.

“I know,” Erin purred. “He was with that hunky boyfriend of his. What I wouldn’t give...”

“Don’t even think about it, girl. You’re definitely not his type.”

“I know, but a girl can dream.” Erin sighed and smiled at Justin. “Let’s go, blondie. You’ll see him soon enough.”

“By the way, who was that older guy you were sitting with. We were going to join you, but it looked like you weren’t in the mood for more company. And he looked pretty angry when he left.”

Justin and his friends put their trays on the conveyer belt and left the cafeteria. “No one, really,” Justin offered as they walked back to the visual arts building. “Just someone I knew a long time ago.”

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