Highway 281
Can't Fight This Feeling
Blair lay awake in his little room under the stairs trying to figure out what to do with the feelings he had been having lately. Well, more like a long while if he wanted to be truthful. He was more than just a little afraid. Afraid that Jim wouldn’t want to be around him any longer, afraid their relationship would change and not for the better. He was afraid he would lose the security and friendship he felt with Jim.
He’d been with Jim for five years. Five years since he introduced himself to the disturbed man who was having trouble coping with what was going on in his life. Blair remembered one of their first meetings when Jim grabbed him by the shirt and pushed him against the wall calling him a ‘neo-hippy witchdoctor punk’. Blair couldn’t help the smile that came to his face at the thought. Who could have guessed then what the following years would bring.
It took a while but Jim finally let himself be helped. Blair moved into Jim’s apartment and continued the Guide/Sentinel ‘training’, all thoughts for him on his doctoral thesis. At least those were his thoughts right then. But what started out as an experiment quickly turned into real friendship. And that friendship had turned into so much more. Now he wished he was able to let it show.
Jim, lying in his own bed in the loft above where Blair was, could hear Blair tossing and turning. He could hear his heartbeat…strong and steady, if just a little fast. And he could hear the deep intake of breath as Blair sighed with whatever thoughts were running through his mind. How he wished he could ‘read’ what was on that scary smart brain.
When had this feeling come upon him? He knew it had been a long time since it first started. It didn’t pop up in just one day. After all, they were friends despite the rather rocky start. He thought of his first impressions of Blair, impressions that weren’t always charitable. He smiled at one in particular…Neo-hippy witchdoctor punk.
But that had soon changed when Blair had saved him from being run over by a garbage truck…a garbage truck of all things…when he zoned after leaving Blair’s office. He had learned to trust Blair with his sanity, not an easy task considering everything that was happening to him.
Now he was trusting Blair with his life. Every day since they had been working together on the police force he trusted that Blair would have his back. Blair had shown himself to be quite an extraordinary young man even though being a cop didn’t come naturally to him. His instincts and common sense more than made up for that. He also trusted that Blair would keep him grounded if and when his senses would go haywire, like the times he would ‘zone’ or take the wrong medication. Yes, he trusted Blair with his life.
The whirlwind of his life since his powerful senses had kicked in was enough to make any man have second thoughts about life. He knew he probably wouldn’t even be here now if not for Blair. He closed his eyes, taking a deep breath.
For all my training how can I be such a coward? Why am I fighting this feeling?
He had no answer to that question, only the knowledge that he couldn’t live like this any longer. Couldn’t live with Blair just down a flight of stairs. Couldn’t live without at least knowing.
***
Blair finally gave up trying to sleep and got up, hoping to be quiet enough not to wake up the person who had taken over his thoughts. He went to the refrigerator and pulled out the orange juice carton. Realizing there was only a little left he put the carton to his lips and took a long drink before moving from the kitchen.
What little light there was in the apartment was cast by the soft glow of the city lights below as it came through the windows of the double doors leading to the balcony. Taking it as a sign, he quietly opened the doors and stepped out into the cold night.
It really was a lovely view even in the dead of winter. The city lights below gave off the dull light he saw through the doors, as the clouds hid the light from the moon and stars. Luckily Blair had remembered to put on his slippers and throw an old sweater on over his sleep pants and t-shirt. Still, the cold winter’s night sent a chill through his body.
He wasn’t sure how long he had been standing there. The carton of juice was empty as he had found out when he put it to his lips a few moments ago. He took a deep breath and leaned on the railing.
“Be careful there, Chief. Wouldn’t want to fall over, would you?”
Blair jolted at the voice but didn’t turn around.
“You’re freezing. Come inside.”
Blair nodded and let himself be guided…interesting choice of words…back into the warm room and over to the sofa. But Blair didn’t sit down. Instead he started pacing the room, a habit Jim had come to recognize as Blair’s way of thinking things through.
“Sit. I’ll make some hot chocolate. There’s something we need to talk about.” Jim sensed Blair’s heart rate and breathing speed up a little. He started having doubts about what might happen after he said his piece.
Blair was a friend, but to him not just a friend he had come to realize, but oh so much more. He stopped Blair mid-pace and turned him around so he could look him in his eyes. He put his arms around the still chilly body, glad that at least there was no resistance to the situation. He placed a finger gently under Blair’s chin, raising his head up.
“Blair …” Jim began.
“I know, Jim.”
He knows? Jim’s heartbeat sped up and his mouth went dry. He knows, and now what …?
I feel the same way.” His eyes were glistening and there was a bright smile on his face. “I’ve felt this way for a long time. I don’t want to…I can’t fight it any longer.
“Neither can I, Chief. Neither can I. So what do we do about it?”
“Skip the hot chocolate?”
Hot chocolate was the last thing on Jim’s mind at that moment. “Right, no chocolate, hot or otherwise.”
Blair shivered and snuggled into Jim’s arms a little further. “I think you need a little more warming up. I think you need to get back into bed.”
Blair looked up at Jim, hoping that he meant what he thought he meant.
Jim placed a light kiss on Blair’s lips. Jim seemed to be reading his mind. “My bed, Chief.”
That’s exactly what Blair had wanted all the time. Why had he been afraid? Why had he even thought about fighting the feelings that had taken over?
Again Jim answered before Blair could speak. “No more hiding, okay? Promise me we’ll always be truthful with each other.”
“Promise…no matter what happens, no matter where we go or what we do, nothing but the truth.” He smiled. “I promise, big guy.”
“Good, and right now we’re going up those stairs. It’s about time we showed our true feelings.”
5/31/14