"What If"...

Emmett had been Positive

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Justin climbed the large wooden staircase at the hospice, taking two steps at a time. He thought about the very first time he was here with Emmett. It was Pride Weekend and he and Emmett had come to clear out the room Godiva (like the chocolate) had occupied the last few months of her life. The popular drag queen had finally succumbed to the effects of HIV and AIDS. Justin had wondered, then, if Emmett thought about his own future, living with HIV. They certainly hadn’t expected Em to have severe problems related to the cocktail. Stopping the meds meant one thing, and everyone watched as Emmett’s health slowly declined.

When Justin reached the landing on the second floor, he looked into the sitting room and saw Ted there, alone. While other's visited when they could, Ted had been at Emmett's side almost constantly the past few weeks. Justin stopped at the doorway and took in the sight before him. Ted looked old, older than he did a few short months ago.  He was sitting on the edge of a worn, plaid sofa, his head down, his hands folded between his knees. Justin could tell Ted had been crying. He walked to the sofa without even realizing he had done it. He place his hand on his friend’s shoulder and sat down quietly, just letting his presence be known.

“He’s not doing very well. The doctor said it...” Ted shook his head to gather his thoughts, then took a deep breath and started again. “The doctor said it’s just a matter of time. I was in there with him for and hour, but the nurses had to clean him up and asked me to leave. I’m not even sure he knew I was there.”

“He knows when you’re there, Ted. He knows.”

“Mm. I’m sorry I called you at work I didn’t know who else to call and I didn’t want to be here alone.”

“I’m glad you called, you know that.” The two men sat there in silence. Justin thought back to the day almost twelve years before when he learned that his friend was positive. It was a week after Michael’s thirtieth birthday. Em had been acting funny for several days, and Justin thought it was just because of the events that unfolded when Brian outed his friend Mikey to his co- worker Tracey. Ted insisted that Em tell the group and he agreed, only if he could do his way. So, on Saturday, he ordered a pizza and Justin joined him at Torso for lunch. The two of them ate in the backroom, alone. Justin could tell his friend was trying too hard to be his old flamboyant self, but it just wasn’t coming through.

“Em, what’s going on?” Justin finally asked. “I know there’s been something more going on the past week than what happened at the party. What is it?”

Emmett looked Justin in the face and said simply, “I have it.”

“Have wh...” Justin started to ask, but stopped when he saw the look on his friend’s face. “Oh, my God, Em. When did you find out. How long have you known?”

“Since last Monday. I didn’t know how to tell anyone. Ted knows. He was with me when I found out. It’s strange. I only had the test as moral support for Teddy. He turned out to be negative. I was the one that was positive.”

Justin got up from his chair and put his arms around his friend. He didn’t know what to say, so he said nothing, but kept his arms tight around Emmett’s shoulders, kissing him on the cheek.  He wanted to cry, but knew that would be the last thing he should do. When he finally let go, he asked all the questions that came to his mind. Em told him about the drug cocktail he was on, and that besides Ted, Vic was the only one else who knew.  He was going to tell the rest of the gang this weekend   He gave Justin permission to tell Brian, knowing Justin would need his comfort.

Justin went straight to the loft that afternoon, hoping Brian was home. When Brian let him in, Justin couldn’t hold back the tears any longer. He dropped his backpack on the floor, wrapped his arms around Brian’s neck and cried against his chest. Brian held him, not knowing what was wrong and getting worried. “Justin. What’s wrong? Are you alright? Don’t tell me you saw your father again.”

“No,” Justin said through his tears as he shook his head.

“Then, what’s wrong?” Brian tried to hide the fear he felt. He hoped there wasn’t something wrong with Justin. He knew he wouldn’t have been able to handle it.

“I had lunch with Emmett today.” Justin wiped the tears from his cheeks with the back of his hands, but didn’t try to stop more tears from taking their place.  Brian waited for him to continue. “He, he told me...he told me he’s positive. He found out last week.”

The weight of those words hit Brian. “Emmett’s positive? Maybe it’s a false positive. Has he been retested?” Brian was just as surprised as Justin had been. Emmett was always so careful.

“No. He’s positive. He’s on a cocktail. God, Brian. Why? Why Emmett? It’s not fair.”

Brian held Justin tight in his arms again, knowing how good of friends he and Em had become in the few short months that Justin had been in their lives. “This has never been fair. Not to Vic, not to anyone.” Brian guided Justin to the sofa, where they would be more comfortable. “Who else knows?”

Justin leaned his head on Brian’s chest, unwilling to give up contact. “He’s telling everyone this weekend. Vic and Ted already know. He said I could tell you.” He and Brian had held each other for a long time that  afternoon, lost in thoughts of  “what if’s” and secret “thank God’s.”

Justin was brought back to reality by Emmett’s nurse, Edie, as she talked to Ted. “Ted, you and Justin can go in now. He’s resting, but I know he’d like you two to be there for him.” She held Ted’s arm for a moment and gave it a little rub. “I have to get back. Let me know if there’s anything I can do, okay?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Edie,” Ted answered.

“Thanks, Edie,” Justin added, then turned to Ted. “Ted, do you mind if I call Brian before I go with you?”

“Of course not.” Justin watched Ted walk down the hall, then called Brian’s office.

“Brian Kinney’s office, Cynthia speaking.”

“Hi, Cynthia. Can I talk to Brian?”

“Justin, he’s in the meeting with the electronics people. He should be done shortly, or do you need for me to get him now?”

“Umm, no. Tell him I’m at the hospice with Em. I’d just kind of like for him to be here with me if he’s not too busy this afternoon.”

“Oh, Honey, is Emmett worse? I can get Brian...”

“No, he’s about the same. Just tell Brian, okay?”

“I will. And let me know if there’s anything I can do. Bye.”

Justin turned his cell off and walked to Emmett’s room. Em was sleeping when Justin walked in, a lime green comforter pulled up to his chest. His thin brown hair clung to his forehead. Justin swept the hair away from his friend’s face and softly kissed the now exposed forehead.

Justin and Ted had been sitting in the room for almost an hour, talking quietly, when Brian arrived. Justin hurried to him, allowing Brian to enfold him in his long arms. Even after twelve years, this was still his favorite place, the place where he felt safe and loved. Brian kissed the top of Justin’s head as Justin loosened his hold. “How’s he doing?” Brian asked as he patted Ted’s shoulder.

“He didn’t know me this morning. He kind of goes in and out of consciousness. Sometimes he knows me, sometimes he doesn’t.”

Brian could feel Ted’s sadness at the thought of his best friend dying. He didn’t know if he could be as strong if it were Mikey, or God forbid, Justin. Ted and Emmett had been close friends for over fifteen years. They were there for each other through Em’s crisis, new jobs and boyfriends who’ve come and gone.

The gaunt figure in the bed started to move and Ted and Justin were immediately at his bedside, each holding a hand. “Teddy?” The word came out slowly, a hint of his childhood Mississippi drawl creeping in.

“I’m right here, Em. Justin and Brian are here, too.”

A small smile played on his dried lips. “Thirsty.” Ted sat him up and placed a few ice chips in his mouth and spread Vaseline on his lips.

“Better?” Ted asked when he was done.

“Mmm. Sunshine?” Em asked in a thin, whisper-like voice.

“Here, Em,” Justin said giving the cool hand a soft squeeze, but Em had slipped back into unconsciousness. Ted pulled the comforter further around his shoulders and the three men took their seats, keeping vigil over the friend they all loved.

Return to What If