Finding Your Own Way Back

Chapter 9

Sliding the loft door open, he said, "Mrs. Taylor." His tone was formal and a little cold, even for him. His nerves jangled. He and Justin were both adults, he reminded himself. Both consenting adults with very healthy libidos.

Justin joined Brian at the door. As Jennifer watched, her son took hold of Brian's hand, fingers lacing. Such a simple, casual gesture but one that bespoke of the intimacy between the two men. "Hi, honey," Jennifer said, watching her son carefully. Displaying no visible reaction, she noted. As if he wore a mask. She often wondered if Justin realized he did that and that it was an echo of Brian's own blankness at times.

"Mom."

"Brian," she said, noticing just how tense he seemed. She knew she made him uncomfortable. Truth was he made her a bit nervous too. And she'd seen him naked on more occasions than she could count so the lingering tension between them was odd. "Call me Jennifer."

He nodded, relaxing a bit. What do you want? "Want something to drink? Why don't you go sit?"

"Soda, if you have it." It was a shot of tequila she'd have preferred and somehow she figured Brian knew that.

"Sunshine?" Brian directed the question to Justin who nodded.

"I'll get it. Brian, you want anything?"

As Brian's first response was searing sarcasm, his second to head for the liquor cart, he said, "Perrier." He knew he'd had the beer earlier but he knew that for this he was required to have a clear head.

Jennifer noticed the easy way the two men interacted. She hadn't seen Justin that comfortable in a long time. And Brian was always comfortable in his own skin. A little too much, she thought, remembering the day she'd come to ask him to help her son. Brian had been unabashed about his nudity or the fact that he'd just finished fucking someone, while she'd felt her face grow hot.

She saw the television was on with a movie playing. Finding Nemo, she thought. Molly had taken her to go see that, she remembered. Then she noticed the young boy and it dawned on her. Brian was hanging out with his son. Turning to him, she asked, "Is that your son?"

"Yes, that's Gus," he said, meeting her eyes directly. "Would you like to meet him?"

Recognizing the gesture for what it was, she nodded. This wasn't how she'd thought this would go. She hated that her son seemed to boomerang right back to Brian Kinney but she'd given up thinking that it was a simple flirtation or infatuation for either of them. And she remembered her teenage son standing in the kitchen facing off with her and Craig. Saying that he loved Brian more than anything in the world. She wondered if Brian realized just how much of an impact he had on her son. Probably so, she acknowledged, wondering why that didn't bother her as much as it had once. That wasn't to say that she wouldn't be pleased as punch if Justin found someone younger, less emotionally guarded. So her answer was a long time coming. "Yes, I'd like to meet him."

"Hey, Sonny Boy."

When the little boy turned towards his father, Brian said, "There's someone I'd like you to meet."

She felt a tap on her shoulder and Justin handed her a glass of soda. Then he handed Brian the bottle of Perrier. Jennifer watched as Brian's son made his way over to her on legs that wobbled just a bit. He looked up at her with very expressive eyes and she felt her heart melt a little. That made her wonder if this was what Brian had looked like as a child. She felt sure it was.

"Gus, this is Justin's mommy. Her name is Jen."

"Hi, Jen," Gus said, with just a hint of shyness. And with those simple words she was entranced by Brian's son.

Brian's eyes found Justin and, without speaking, Justin crossed to his side. Arm casually looped around each other, they watched as Gus climbed up on Jennifer's lap and she laughed a little. She looked at Brian and said, "Your son is beautiful, Brian."

"Thank you, Mrs.---Jen," he amended. Of course he is. Maybe someday, he hoped, Gus will call you Grandma. God knew he'd keep him away from his own mother as long was humanly possible. Lindsay's parents weren't much better, he thought.

She smiled at him. There were so many things she wanted to say but none of it seemed quite appropriate with her son's lover's son sitting on her lap. It would simply have to wait.

"So you came here for a reason, Mom. What is it?" Justin had no qualms about coming straight to the point.

"Daphne told me you were here. That you'd reconciled. I came to see if that was true," she said, lifting her arm so Gus could better situate himself. "I thought you were happy with Ethan, honey. What happened?" Looking at Brian, "Sorry, Brian."

Brian felt his features rearrange themselves in a scowl but said nothing. Fucking fiddler. So much time lost. The only consolation was that Justin felt the same way he did. Hindsight is always 100%, he reminded himself. That wasn't to say that he didn't wonder what would've happened if they'd spoken to each other that night in the backroom when they'd run across each other. He'd known as the trick had gone down on him that they were both wishing it was each other they were with instead. "It's okay, Jen. Seems everyone's asking about Ian today."

That simple statement had her nearly smiling. Brian knew damn well what his name was but he wasn't about to say it, she realized. There was more he could have said but didn't.

Sighing, Justin said only, "He cheated on me, Mom."

So infidelity caused Ethan and my son to break up, she thought. She wondered what Justin would say if he knew of his own father's affairs. "So how did this thing happen with Brian?" Is it real this time, she wondered. Can he and Brian make it work? For her son's sake, she hoped he and Brian were more successful than she and Craig had been.

Both were relieved that she didn't bring up the fact that Brian fucked around. And probably always would. "Well, I started at Vanguard about two months ago."

Jennifer's well-manicured eyebrow arched. She was a little stunned at her son's brazen behavior. "Isn't that Brian's agency?"

Brian nodded as Justin said, "Yes, it's Brian's agency. I talked to the head of the Fine Arts Department at the Institute to see if I could move up my internship. When they agreed I sent a letter of interest to Vanguard. They accepted me on my merits. They knew nothing of my prior relationship with Brian."

Jennifer glanced at Brian, whose eyes had bled to mossy green, and remarked tentatively, "It must've surprised you to see Justin."

"Surprise wasn't the word. I was pretty ticked off," Brian said, wishing rather desperately for a hit of nicotine. It had been a rather gutsy move, he acknowledged. If the circumstances had been different, he might have locked the door of his office and fucked him right then and there. It had occurred to him.

"Did you suggest a different agency at which Justin might do his internship?"

"Yes, but Justin pointed out that Vanguard was the best. I knew he'd learn the most there." Not to mention I was there.

"What did Gardner say about you allowing an ex-lover to intern in your own department?" She knew Gardner Vance wasn't exactly the most tolerant of gays. And Brian was more open than most in a field dominated by straight men.

Identical expressions of amazement crossed their faces. "Uh, Mom, just how do you know Gardner Vance?" She'd never mentioned a connection to Brian's boss before.

"He and his wife, Camille, used the agency to find their home when they moved from New York. A colleague was their realtor. She asked me to come on a couple of showings and I formed a quick impression of him."

Intrigued now, Brian asked, "What did you think of him?"

"Pompous, overbearing, an annoying tendency to capitulate when pressed. I thought him a terrible boor and he had a decided lack of balls," she admitted. "Also not very tolerant of gays."

Brian laughed. "Jen, you are a woman after my own heart. To answer your question, no one at Vanguard knows about my previous rel---involvement---with Justin or our present involvement. Except Cynthia, my assistant."

Jennifer remembered Cynthia from the day she'd stormed into Brian's office with a bag of Justin's stuff and a check. She'd formed a quick impression of the younger blonde as fiercely loyal to Brian and a woman who had a slight bit of a crush on her handsome boss. It did not escape her attention that he'd used involvement rather than relationship. "Honey, don't you think it'd be better for you to finish your internship at a different agency? It would be terrible for Brian if your involvement became public knowledge."

"Mom," he began but stopped at a look from Brian.

"Jen, it might raise more flags were Justin to end his internship now. And I think he and I can keep things quiet." Okay, so that was wishful thinking. It was going to be the most difficult challenge of his life to keep things strictly professional when at the office.

"I'd just hate to see you jeopardize your career," she continued, "since I know how hard you've worked for it." She rather doubted that. A blind man could sense their chemistry. The attraction they each held for the other.

"How do you know how hard I've worked, Jen?" An edge crept into his voice.

Oh hell, she thought, as Gus wriggled out of her lap, bored by adult conversation. "I did some research," she admitted, as Gus returned to sitting near the television, just out of earshot. "I talked to Debbie. Hired a private investigator."

"Mom!" Justin said, aghast. He couldn't believe his mom had done such a thing. Invaded Brian's privacy like that.

Brian, however, understood. It burned him a little to have his past looked into. There were things he'd done that he would prefer remain buried. Things he wasn't too proud of but wasn't ashamed of. Decisions he'd made when he was a naive youth just emerging from the closet and experiencing life to the fullest. Taking the world by the balls, as it were, in many different arenas.

"It's okay, Justin. Your mom was just looking out for you." His calm expression belied his words. "I'd have done the same thing if some older man or woman took an interest in Gus at an impressionable age."

Jennifer studied Brian. There were less than fifteen years between them, she acknowledged. She was barely twelve years older than Brian. So she could understand the allure the handsome and charismatic man held for her son. Now the blush of first love had worn off and they were working towards something more. Something deeper and more real. There were so many layers and facets to the man it was no wonder he'd been called an enigma. "So how long have you two been back together?"

"About 36 hours," Brian's voice was arctic.

"36 hours," she repeated. "Hours." The color drained from her face much as it had from Debbie's earlier. Oh shit, she thought. They're trying to get things straight and worked out and I barge in. "I'm going to go. We can talk later," she said, looking at her son. "Brian, walk me down to the car."

Since it was as much a request as an order, Brian nodded. "Sure. Hey, Sonny Boy."

"Yes, Daddy."

"Come say goodbye to Jen, Justin's mommy."

Gus came to give her a hug, saying, "Bye, Jen."

"Bye, kiddo. Have fun with your Daddy, okay."

"Okay," he agreed, kissing her cheek.

"Hey, Justin, keep an eye on Gus. I'm going to walk your mom out." He was curious and a little wary of what she might say to him.

Brian walked her to the loft door, following her outside. Once in the elevator, she laid a hand on his arm. "Thanks for walking me out."

"Sure," he said, wondering why she hadn't asked Justin.

They were fairly silent for the remainder of the elevator ride. When they reached the late model Acura Integra, Brian finally said, "Okay, Mrs.-Jen, what's bothering you?" He took a deep breath. "You going to tell me that Justin and I shouldn't be together. That I'm going to fuck up his life again. That this is a mistake. Or that you think I'm going to hurt him. Again."

Her next words shocked the hell out of Brian. It was as if she were taking a page out of Debbie Novotny's book. "No, baby, I don't think this is wrong or a mistake. If I recall correctly, my son is the one who hurt you." Badly if I'm not mistaken. She could tell that the one chink in Brian's well-maintained armor was the presence of her son.

"I wasn't hurt."

"The man doth protest too much," she quoted, paraphrasing a bit.

"Don't quote fucking Shakespeare to me. I wasn't hurt." Who am I trying to convince? I was fucking devastated.

Jennifer backed off. She didn't have to see sharks to know she was in dangerous, treacherous waters. "I think we need to talk."

"I really hate that phrase," he said, glumly.

"I'm sure you do. Brian, you're in my son's life. You aren't going anywhere. I think I need to get to know you. So I'm suggesting we have lunch. No expectations."

"That's one of my lines," he reminded her. Though it made him nervous and slightly nauseous, he could see the logic in what she was suggesting. At least, she hadn't questioned the feelings he had for her son. "Okay, lunch. I assume you want to talk about the stuff your private dick dug up on me. Probably a lot of shit there." He hesitated before adding," Thank you for not just giving the file to Justin. For giving me a chance."

"I know you care about my son. I wouldn't have just given him the file."

"Craig would have," Brian pointed out, bitterness dripping like molasses from his tone.

Yes, my fucking asshole of an ex-husband would have, she thought. "I'm not Craig."

"He tried to kill me and he never went to see Justin after he got hurt." Brian reminded her, pain evident in his tone, the depth of emotion clear and unfeigned.

And it was you who walked the halls like a phantom every night. You, he called out for. Some of that she decided to say aloud, "And it was you who was there every night watching my baby sleep." She took a tentative step closer to him, gently touching his cheek. "He needs you, Brian."

"Not as much as I need him," he said, voice shaking.

"I know. And when the time is right you'll tell him you love him." That was as clear to her as day as were the reasons Brian hadn't. And might not ever say it though it was clear to her the depth of Brian's feelings for her son.

He met her eyes. "Everybody else thinks I should have told him already."

She suppressed a sigh. "When have you ever done what they think you ought to? You fell in love with a teenage boy when the whole world, including me, was telling you that you ought to be ashamed of yourself. Then your world collapsed when the one person you let get the closest to you left you. Denied and rejected everything you were offering. I know you think I don't like you, Brian. Maybe that was true once. But I do understand you. You do things on your own timetable. Have a clearly defined set of what is right and wrong, a moral philosophy that you live by. Trust your own instincts."

"My instincts, huh?" he said, touched by her words. He had expected her to cut him down like so much wheat.

"Yeah. Even when they tell you to hold him when you'd rather be fucking him. Or talk when you'd rather be out at the club losing yourself in the music. You're a good judge of character, Brian. And you have a good character."

Strange to hear her talk so openly about him fucking her son. How things have changed, he thought, somewhat mollified.

"I'm not going to dig, Brian. I don't get any sort of perverse pleasure out of seeing you or my son hurt. I know you have feelings. And I know that you care as deeply about my son as he does about you. You wouldn't have given him a second chance if you didn't want him back in your life."

Okay, she knows me a little too well, he thought, shocked. "I'll try," he said, smiling. "How do you feel about a late lunch on Tuesday?"

It was Jennifer's turn to smile. "I'll clear my calendar. Justin has my cell number. Just call to confirm or have Cynthia do it."

"I'll call to confirm," he said, making sure that she knew the emphasis was on the I.

"Brian," she said, as he turned back towards the building.

"Yeah."

"Thanks for listening. Good luck." Surprisingly enough, she meant it. She hoped that the gods were smiling down on her son and Brian.

In the end, he stood at the base of the stairs watching her drive off. Strange how things turn out, he mused. Strange that the woman who had once viewed him as the worst thing that had ever happened to her son was now all but endorsing their relationship. Brian turned to return upstairs, feeling somewhat lighter.

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