Finding Your Own Way Back

Chapter 8

Justin was out of the direct line of sight but he saw the visitor clearly. Seemed their hopes of keeping things quiet for a few days was doomed. The news of the most famous reconciliation since that of Germany would be all over Liberty Avenue by ten o'clock that night. "Debbie," Brian said, resigned to his fate. "Come in." He knew she would even if he didn't extend the invitation, barreling past him like a red-haired tornado or a steam engine.

Justin sighed inwardly. Debbie was like a den mother to all the boys on Liberty Avenue. Those who came in to eat and those who came in to parlay their ass and those who needed a sympathetic ear. That was not to say that she did not pass judgment, because she did. And Brian was one of her favorite targets. Blame him for all things including a drop in the ratings of her favorite television show. Sensing there was no point in delaying the inevitable, Justin emerged into her line of sight.

"Sunshine," she said, unable to hide her surprise and delight. Turning to Brian, she gave him a swat upside the head, "You little asshole!"

"Hey, my son is here. Watch your language" Brian said, indicating the small boy in his bedroom.

"Is he in your bed?"

Her tone had him narrowing his eyes and answering defensively," The sheets are clean. Christ, does everyone think that I would lay my son down in a bed on sheets I've fucked on?" Irritation and petulance were clear in his voice. Later on Brian would remember how Debbie had thought that. It fucking pissed him off when people had such low expectations of him.

"Well, baby, if the shoe fits," she said, then backed off seeing his mutinous expression.

She looked at Justin. Always will be a lamb in the lion's den, she thought. "You look tired, Sunshine. He keep you up late last night fucking?"

"And fisting," Brian put in, earning a heated glare from a blushing Justin.

"Oh," Debbie's mouth made a moue of surprise. She always wondered how often Brian let Sunshine take the reins. Seemed their relationship was more equal than one might think. That Brian let go of some of his famous control when he was alone with Justin. Interesting, she mused.

"Why are you here?" Brian asked bluntly. "Mikey send you?"

That had her shaking her head and sensing troubled waters between her son and his longtime best friend and unrequited love interest. Ah, that explains Michael's reaction this morning, she thought. And Ben's. "Michael knows?"

"Yeah. He came by last night to see why I wasn't going out to Babylon. Found Justin here. Unpleasant little scene." No need to go into the particulars, Brian thought, still angry over his best friend's treatment of Justin or the judgment passed on his choice of extending a rare second chance.

"He didn't say anything at breakfast. Acted a little snotty and irritated when Em and Ted asked about you."

Brian and Justin looked at one another. That's nothing new, Justin thought, tired of Michael's shitty attitude towards him.

Michael didn't say anything, Brian thought. "Thought the news of us being back together would have hit Liberty Avenue by now. Have all the old queen's tongues wagging." He could think of far better things to do with his own tongue, mouth and lips. Much better things.

"I take it you're trying to keep this quiet?" Although she wanted to shout it from the rooftops, she could understand their wishes. Then a thought occurred to her and she blurted out, "What about Ethan?" She'd never really thought that'd last simply because the poor fiddler was not Brian. Not even in the same hemisphere.

A growl erupted from low in Brian's throat. Justin looked at him, saw that he looked like a wounded lion who was still trying to close in for the kill. "It's over. He cheated on me. I realized I still wanted Brian." Needed Brian. Loved Brian. Love Brian.

So that's how it was, she thought. She noticed how Justin carefully avoided saying he loved Brian which had her wondering if he'd said it since they were back together. "How long?"

"How long what?"

She gave him an exasperated glance. "How long have you do been doing the horizontal tango? What the hell did you think I meant, smart ass?"

"Less than 36 hours," he grumbled. He wanted time alone with his blond and with his son.

Hours not days, she noted. Oh holy fuck. Hours. It was a wonder Brian hadn't bodily removed her from the loft. "I'm gonna go. Leave you two alone to get reacquainted." She brushed her lips against Justin's cheek, saying, "Don't hurt him again, baby."

Stopping near Brian, she caressed his face, leaning in close to whisper, "Don't fuck this up, kiddo."

With those sage words of advice Debbie left, happier than she'd been in weeks. Her two boys were back together and she had a mission: talk to Michael before he dug himself his own grave.

Brian sat down on the couch. Justin moved to sit next to him when he found himself in Brian's lap once again. "Brian," he began.

"Ssh," he whispered, before his mouth dropped to Justin's. The kiss began softly but began to increase in intensity, his hands fisting in Justin's hair, drawing him closer. When he broke the kiss, Justin said, eyes glazed with arousal, "I want you."

"I know, Sonny Boy." He shifted and Justin moved with him, knees bent on either side of Brian's hips. He could feel the rigid line of flesh forming in Justin's pants. "Go jack off," he murmured.

"Wanna watch?"

Brian bit his lip, desire for Justin warring with his responsibility as dad. "Yeah, but I have a son playing on my bed." Intense regret. God, I hope he doesn't stumble onto my box of toys, he thought, then he realized that he'd locked the box. Somehow he didn't think the mommies would appreciate it if his son had an early exposure to man-on-man sex or came home about talking about how Daddy had taken Justin's pee-pee into his mouth. Or what that funny white stuff was. Yeah right. Melanie would have a fit and Lindz would disapprove in her so WASP-y way. And it would be a cold day in hell before the munchers would let him see his son again.

"OK," Justin said, sliding off of him, not unaware of Brian's dilemma. Halfway up the stairs, he turned back, saying only, "It'd be better with your mouth on me, bringing me off."

"Justin," Brian said, in a tone which most would consider irritated. Only those who knew him well would recognize it as pleading. And pleading was not something Brian often did. And often it was only with Justin.

Justin disappeared into the bathroom, closing the door behind him. Brian sighed. Surely there was something they could do to ease the sexual tension running electric between them. Fucking would do it but that was out of the question. He looked up at the bedroom and realized that Gus had toppled over and was sleeping soundly, probably drooling on his expensive pillow case. Who knew how long Gus'd sleep? And he wouldn't do that to his son even though it was as natural as breathing.

This sucks, he thought. You're in advertising, Kinney. Think of something. Something that interests both of you. Deep in thought, he barely noticed when Justin joined him.

"Brian," Justin's voice said, jarring him from his thoughts.

"Yeah." Curt.

"What are we gonna do?"

"Scrabble." He was half-joking but saw Justin's eyes light up. "Christ, I was kidding."

The last time they'd played scrabble it had been during an electrical storm when the lights had gone out and they'd both been fucked out. "C'mon, Bri. It'll be fun."

"Kids," he muttered darkly.

"Old man," he shot back, earning a glare. "What? You afraid? Afraid that I'll beat your ass?"

Justin knew exactly what he was doing. Appealing to Brian's competitive nature that lurked just under the surface. "Okay, little boy," he taunted. "What're we playing for?"

Justin hadn't thought that far. Though he knew that there was always a cost and reward to anything he did with Brian. "If I win I get to fuck you in the backroom at Babylon for a week. And I have you suck me off while I'm getting rimmed, then you fuck me."

Pensively, Justin added, "We try a few things here too. Experiment with a little light B&D. I wouldn't mind being tied up." He'd never told Brian about the sling that Sap had wanted to put him in. He'd known that Brian's reaction wouldn't have boded well for Sap's continued existence. "I'm also willing to do anything you want me to do. On one condition. That you do the same thing for me. Regardless. Cause turnabout is fair play."

Thinking of the platform at Babylon and all the guys who wished they were Justin, Brian saw the appeal of the idea. That wasn't to say that he wanted to see someone else fucking his Sunshine's ass. "Thought you didn't like the games we played," Brian reminded him. He thought Justin's scenario was hot, though he could and planned to easily up the stakes.

"On occasion it was fun," Justin admitted. He remembered some very hot threesomes and foursomes but those pleasurable memories were also overlaid with the memory of the birthday hustler. "I just didn't like making a habit of it. Liked going home when it was just the two of us." He and Brian alone had always been his preference.

Brian knew that with little effort he could make this difficult and make it much more exciting and erotic for him than for Justin. But he wanted to make it fun and hot for Justin. Prove he wasn't a complete narcissistic asshole who lived his life ruled by dick and ass.

"If I win, we go to the baths for a week and I get to pick your fuck buddies. You're never the bottom cause your sweet little ass is mine, Sunshine," he said. So far Justin didn't think this was so bad. "We go to the backroom at Babylon and we give them a full frontal show, no holds barred." He knew that this was a price that Justin might be reluctant to pay since he very rarely stripped down. Brian always just had his jeans down mid-thigh level but he'd never been fully nude while Brian took him in front of an audience. Knew they'd be giving the guys in the backroom a very erotic and rare show of their own. Seeing what Kinney went home to every night.

Justin started to protest then realized that it was little different than what went on in the rooms at the baths. Just a different surrounding and it wasn't as if it hadn't happened before. "And," he continued, "we give Daphne and Cynthia a floor show they'll never forget."

Brian wasn't quite through. He knew how many times his assistant had imagined him fucking another guy. It was probably one of Cynthia's favorite fantasies. And he knew that Daphne had thought about it considering all the times she'd stumbled into the loft and found them in flagrante delicto.

"Anything else?" Justin asked, unsure that he really wanted to know.

"We go to Pistol once so you can see what it's like being dominated by someone other than me. Then we come back here and you demonstrate on me what you've learned."

Hot, extremely hot. Dominating Brian was always an experience since it happened so rarely. Combustible combination, he thought. He knew Daphne had been curious ever since she'd first seen Brian in all his masculine glory. And Cynthia, well Cynthia, had the hots for her gorgeous but unattainable boss. Besides it might be fun.

"Before I agree," Justin said, knowing he would, "are you sure that you'll be able to face Cynthia at the office after knowing she's seen you fucking me?"

Brian smirked. "Wouldn't be the first time. How many times do you think she's covered for me when the office reeked of sex? She knows me. And she still gives me shit despite seeing me in all manner of compromising positions." Bitch, he thought. But this'll be a chance to see me in my element. One night only. There wasn't a chance in hell that Cynthia would turn this opportunity down.

But those were tricks, Justin thought. And I'm not, right? A question he wanted to ask but wouldn't.

"Deal," Justin said. "Oh, Brian. We do this thing with Daphne and Cyn, the girls' will want a tape for their own masturbatory pleasure."

"I know," Brian tossed over one shoulder. He fully intended on making their own tape. It was something they hadn't done before and he thought it'd be fun to fuck while watching the video image of themselves fucking. He returned with the Scrabble game, having avoided disturbing his sleeping son.

Setting it up on the coffee table then said, "Want a beer?" Anything, especially Scrabble, was better with an infusion of alcohol.

Justin nodded.

Returning with their beers, he said, "Last chance to back out."

"Not a chance in hell, Kinney. Bring it on."

Twenty minutes later, Justin knew despite his 1500 verbal score that Brian was going to win. Game. Set. Match. Determined to be a gracious loser, he said, "So when do you want to do this?" just as Brian said the same thing.

"I lost," Justin reminded him, eyes locking on Brian's.

"We both won," he corrected gently, hoping Justin would get what he was trying to say. Replace that memory with this one.

"Oh," Justin said, understanding dawning. He downed the rest of his beer.

"One more thing, Sunshine. This show for Cynthia and Daphne is no holds barred. No regrets. No apologies."

Justin inched closer to him, licking up his throat as Brian tilted his head backward. "You taste good. Salty and sweet." Familiar tastes. Tastes he'd missed, tastes that were simply and utterly Brian's.

Brian smiled, started to say something when he heard a wailed, "Daddy!"

Brian gave Justin a rueful look then hit the stairs at a near-lope. Reaching his son's side, he cuddled him, saying, "It's okay, sonny boy. You're okay. Daddy's here."

The tears stopped and a small voice said, " I hungry."

"What's with the little voice, kiddo?" Brian asked. "You get scared?"

"Uh huh." Gus sniffled.

Justin stopped at the top of the stairs, stunned speechless. He remembered when Brian had asked him the same question, except then it had been more of an accusation. "You want something to drink, Gus?"

The small head nodded, then said, "Gotta pee first."

"Okay. Need help?" Brian asked, images of an accident flashing through his mind. Uh uh, not on my watch, he thought.

"I can do it, Daddy."

Nevertheless Brian followed him into the bathroom, raising the toilet lid, and getting a footstool for him to stand on. Once done and hands were washed, the two Kinney men joined Justin in the kitchen. As he watched Justin with his son, he thought that nothing had ever seemed so right. It was days like this when Brian wished he hadn't signed away his rights to Melanie. After all, Gus was a Kinney by blood, a Marcus in name only. The proof that the Kinney legacy could do good, that the line wasn't tainted by John Rory Kinney. Proof that Brian's blood wasn't cursed to a life of unhappiness, that Gus was saved by being half-Peterson.

With Gus settled in at the counter with a two-handled cup of juice, Brian took a moment to study his lover. Justin, too, had changed while they were apart. He'd lost the last of the little boy, evolving into a man. Though, Brian knew, he wasn't really a kid when I took him home that first night. A man who, Brian knew, would challenge him, inspire him, and frustrate him, while arousing him to fever pitch.

"What do you want for dinner, Little Man?"

"Pizza," came the answer without hesitation.

"That'd be your influence," Brian remarked, thinking of the carbs, as Justin simply smirked.

"How 'bout you, Daddy? You want Thai?"

Brian leaned across the counter, feeling the shot to his balls. Strange thing to get turned on by, he thought, vaguely uncomfortable with the idea that in some ways he was a paternal figure to Justin. He realized that Justin hadn't meant it in that way, that he was just calling Brian "daddy" in front of Gus. "I thought you were going to cook," just as Gus said, "Kiss Jus'n, Daddy."

Brian and Justin looked at each other, a familiar gleam in Brian's eyes. His mouth crushed down on Justin's. The kiss had Gus clapping and left the two men breathless. As Brian drew away, Justin gently nipped his bottom lip, tongue soothing the bite.

Once Justin trusted his voice, he said, "Don't have the stuff for pizza. I'll make you a special meal tomorrow night."

"Promise?" When did I start to expect him to give me any promises? Maybe when he broke all of his rules, Brian thought, a vestigial trace of bitterness remaining.

"Yeah, I promise," he responded, knowing it was Brian's way of asking if he was planning on sticking around or bolting.

"Hey, Sonny Boy, what kind of pizza do you want?"

"Pep'roni," Gus said.

He looked to Justin. "Supreme and cheese."

"Cheese. Two larges and one medium," he winked at Justin.

He noticed that Brian had scooted his chair closer to Gus to make sure that if the little boy made a sudden move he'd be there to catch him. "You want to watch a movie?" Brian and Gus looked at him, both wearing identical expressions, that had Justin laughing.

"Yeah, movie, Daddy. Movie."

Resigned to spending the afternoon watching kiddie fare, Brian scooped up his son who squirmed a bit in his arms. "Down Daddy," he insisted. "Want Nemo."

Okay, Brian thought, that was okay. Finding Nemo was okay. He could tolerate the fish though Ellen bugged the shit out of him. At least, it wasn't Rescuers Down Under or whatever that shit was. Behind him, he heard Justin say, "Nemo sounds good."

"Grab some pillows," he said, rifling through discs making sure his body shielded Gus from some of the raunchier titles of his extensive porn collection. Finally finding the movie his son wanted, he removed it from the jewel case and popped it in the DVD player. Gus sat waiting expectantly.

When Justin joined them in the living room, Brian had slid the coffee table up against the wall, creating more room. Justin situated the pillows in a manner that had Brian smiling. Silly boy, he thought. You'll just end up laying on me. It struck him that he always wanted to fuck Justin when he lay on his lap and he never ever wanted to do the same thing when Michael ended up in the same position. I'll bitch at first but then I end up going with the flow. When did I become so predictable?

He noticed Justin carried a sketch pad and took a brief moment to wonder who'd be his subject: him or Gus, or maybe both. "Hey, Sonny Boy," he said, and two faces turned towards him, both wearing open and trusting expressions. And adoration if he was completely honest with himself. He knew Justin adored him for reasons that mystified him. What have I ever done to deserve him? And just when he'd thought he could count on it, that his life was somehow secure, that he could allow himself to be loved it was gone, in the blink of an eye. And he'd been left there with nothing, feeling as if his world had just collapsed, as if everything he was had been refused. As if once again he were being rejected and told that he wasn't good enough to be loved.

Fuck, he thought, this is why I don't believe in love. Mood suddenly dark, he didn't see the way Justin was looking at him. Or that both Justin and his son had crept closer to him. Gus, because Daddy looked sad; Justin, because he figured Brian needed to know he wasn't going anywhere. He knew were he to tell Brian he loved him that the other man wouldn't believe him. More than that, it wasn't the right time. Too soon. Way too soon. Even though Justin knew deep in his bones that the closeness, connection to Brian was part of the reason things hadn't worked with Ethan. It hadn't been right. Not when you're with the wrong person for the wrong reasons. Or as an escape from the problems of a relationship with a party who is unsure of how one works.

"Daddy," Gus said, kissing his daddy's chin. It felt funny, kind of scratchy. But he still smelled like Daddy and it made him feel safe, protected. He felt different with his Mommy and Mama.

Tearing his attention from his dark thoughts, he focused his attention on his son and his lov-no, that wasn't right. Boyfriend---no, that didn't seem quite right. And, partner, definitely wasn't right. He wasn't quite sure what that meant, that he couldn't or wouldn't define what Justin was to him. But Justin certainly wasn't a fuck buddy as Melanie had all but implied earlier. Too soon. Too fucking soon. Have to see if this is real. If this will last.

He met Justin's eyes, saw the question in them, and shook his head slightly. Fuck me, Brian thought. Do I really want to do this again? Then he looked at Justin again and felt his heart plummet. Yep. God help me.

"Movie, Daddy," Gus said, and Brian realized the damn thing hadn't started yet. That probably had something to do with the fact that he hadn't pushed the tray back in to the player.

Christ, I'm getting old, he thought disgustedly, wincing as he stood to get the remote. "Want anything while I'm up?"

"Soda," Justin said, distracted. He's not okay, he thought, aware that whatever they still had to work through would not be resolved in one day or possibly ever, for that matter. Rome, after all, did not fall in one day.

"Sonny Boy."

"What, Daddy?" Gus asked, wanting Nemo. Grown-ups were weird and thought too much.

"Nothing, baby."

The endearment had both son and Justin looking at him as if he'd suddenly morphed into a hydra. "What?" he asked, scowling.

Gus was still a baby, damn it. And he called Justin that on occasion. Granted they were rare but sometimes that word was like a key that would only fit a particular lock. Can't I be sentimental without being made to feel an ass? He thought, fully aware that he was sulking. And probably pouting.

"Bri?"

"What?" he snapped.

"The movie. God, you're grumpy." Justin said, realizing that he'd forgotten about Brian's sudden and unexpected mood shifts. It wasn't lying to say that he could be mercurial at times.

"Wrong movie," he snarked but got the point. Leaving them in the living room, he crossed to the refrigerator to retrieve a soda for Justin.

Once they were all settled with Justin leaning back against him, Brian hit the play button as Gus snuggled up against him. Funny how it's the simple things that can cause the strongest people to break or crack a little, letting people inside. Gus was engrossed in the story and looking down at Justin he saw the teen was too. But Justin wouldn't be a teen much longer. I have to do something about that, he thought. Even he recognized that twenty was a big milestone. No fucking hustlers, he thought. Christ, why did I ever think that was a good idea?

Forty-five minutes in and both of Brian's boys were deeply snuggling into him and he realized he didn't really mind. Then the telephone rang. Hoping fervently it wasn't the munchers calling to rip him a new asshole (because he liked the one he had, thank you very much), Brian eased out from behind Justin, leaving the teen cuddling his son.

"Yeah," he answered gruffly, aware he was short. Then it softened a bit, "Hey, gorgeous girl. How you been?"

The appellation had Justin looking up. He met Brian's eyes and he mouthed Daphne. "He didn't, huh?" There was a wicked gleam in his eye that Justin recognized as he said, "Well, there are some tricks with your tongue you ought to try. Find the place just beneath the head where he'll be begging you for more. And, by the way, you should make sure up front that he knows you might move away before he comes. That way he doesn't get pissed that you don't swallow."

Oh, fuck, Justin thought, eyes grown wide. Brian's giving her sex tips. Before Brian could launch into the finer tips of fellatio or positions from the Kama Sutra, Justin grabbed the telephone from him, saying, "Hi, Daph. What's up?" He figured she'd get first-hand knowledge soon enough of just what drove a man, or Brian, wild.

He listened a moment, face going pale. "No, Daph. That's okay. I'm not pissed. I understand she gave you no choice."

The use of the female pronoun had Brian arching both eyebrows up towards his hairline. There was only one female in Justin's life who had the ability to make him respond like that: Jennifer Taylor. Truth was Jennifer kind of scared Brian as much as he respected her for allowing her baby bird to leave the nest. For him. Even when he'd been dead set against the mere idea of a relationship. And certainly not with a seventeen-year-old kid. Now he wondered how long it would've been before he drank and fucked himself into oblivion. Did Justin coming into my life actually save me? He wondered. But that would mean that his meeting Justin was part of a plan and not simply an odd twist of fate. That there was some design to it, that there was an architect who plotted points in everyone's life.

He heard him say, "Brian won't be pissed," then sought Justin's eyes. Mouth gone dry, he mouthed, "Tell her not to worry."

Justin conveyed the message and broke the connection. His steps slow, almost sluggish, Justin slid down next to Brian, limbs rubbery. "My mom knows. Dammit, Brian, I wanted more time. Time to ease into telling her."

"I know, baby," the endearment slid out before Brian could stop it. Verbal diarrhea, he thought. But somehow the endearment fit the situation.

"Brian, you called me---"

"Baby. We're alone for Christ's sake. Somehow I don't think Gus is gonna rat me out." Damn, he thought, temper crackling like a live wire.

The look in his eyes made Justin decide to just roll with it. Sometimes it was better, safer for lack of a better word, not to question Brian's motivations. "She kept pushing Daphne until she broke. Seems she called Daphne's and found out that he and I broke up. That I was with you."

Brian could just imagine Justin's mom's reaction to the news. Christ. "How much time you figure we got?"

Whatever answer Justin might have given was lost to time as the intercom for the downstairs door sounded. Crossing to the intercom, Brian looked at Justin, saw the last vestiges of the little boy in the man Justin had become. He realized that he'd never seen Justin as a child, not really. Justin had once said he was the most mature person Brian knew and it was true. He gave Justin a rueful smile. He would have preferred more time.

"Babylon on Wednesday," Brian said, before depressing the intercom. "Door's open." He joined Justin on the sofa to wait for Jennifer Taylor's knock. He knew that the last time she'd dropped in on them, she'd found them in bed, Justin's eyes blindfolded as he loomed over him. Thank God, Brian remembered, we weren't using the handcuffs or the night stick. He thought that might have sent her over the edge into a mental state. No matter what they couldn't wrap themselves in a cocoon of isolation. Life didn't work that way. Their life certainly didn't work that way.

For the moment he'd forgotten about Gus. But the little boy made his presence known when he said, "Daddy, the movie."

"Go sit on the pillows and I'll restart it. Justin's mommy is coming so can you watch the movie quietly?"

Daddy can be silly sometimes, Gus thought. "Yes, Daddy," he said patiently. His tone made Justin smile. It was the one Brian himself used when someone did or said something he thought incredibly stupid or pathetic.

When the knock came a few minutes later, it was Brian who rose to answer the door, feeling as if he were expecting the inquisition. Why do I always feel like an errant child around her? Why do I always feel like I'm Hannibal fucking Lecter to her? Just because I'm fucking her baby boy. Ah, he thought, that just might be it.

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