Finding Your Own Way Back

Author's Note: It is true that Jenna Jameson is an adult film star as are Sydnee Steele and Briana Banks. It is also true that Jenna did girl-girl scenes for a long time before doing male-female scenes. This is a verifiable fact. I have also amended this due to the fact that it was brought to my attention that a Corvette does not have a back seat therefore Justin could not fit into it.

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As they headed to Lindsay and Melanie’s, Justin thought he’d have been holed up in the studio at the Institute working. There was something about losing himself in work that was soothing. That hadn’t become obvious to him until he’d begun working with Brian on a daily basis.

Brian, on the other hand, was thinking that he’d have hit the baths, taken a bump, and gotten a fairly mediocre blow job. Then spent the night in the backroom of Babylon getting a slightly better blow job and fucking some anonymous trick. This was much better. Spending time with his two boys: Gus and Justin. His two “Sonny Boys,” as Lindsay had once referred to them. He didn’t even mind babysitting Gus. That, he reflected, had once seemed like a chore. Like an imposition of the worst kind. Considering that, Brian’s fingers tightened slightly on the wheel. It amazed him that people thought him so shallow, even those who purported to know him so well. Now Gus came first despite prior plans or what he wanted. That was what happened when you had a child. Priorities changed. He wasn't the same man who had dumped his kid on a teenager to go to the Leather Ball though he remembered the events that followed in vivid detail.

“Brian,” Justin’s voice broke into his reverie.

“Yeah,” he said, gruffly.

“You missed the turn.”

“Fuck,” he said, checking traffic before hooking a U-turn to backtrack. Then it occurred to him that Justin still needed to pick up clothes and other stuff from Daphne’s. “We’ll stop by your place on the way home.” God, I wish you’d just move back into the loft.

“Thanks.” Surprise colored Justin’s tone. He studied Brian’s profile as he drove, realizing that he’d love to sketch Brian as he was now. Like fine wine, and very few men, Brian seemed to be improving with age. He knew Brian would vehemently disagree with that observation, feeling as he did about growing older.

Brian pulled up to the curb in the Corvette and sighed. At times like this he missed the jeep. When he’d bought the Corvette, the only thing on his mind was that he now drove a car that wasn’t haunted by memories of him and Justin. Justin sitting astride him while they fucked or Justin bending down to slowly and teasingly lick him to full arousal in the car. Dismissing the vivid sexual images, he turned to Justin, saying, “You mind riding in the back? I’ve got to fit his fucking car-seat in here somehow.”

Justin laughed out loud at the expression on his face. “Not a problem.” He was used to tight squeezes.

“Lindsay may not let Gus ride back with us. I think she forgot that I no longer have the jeep and this car isn't exactly kiddie friendly. Ready to face the Munchers?”

A nod was the response. They knocked on the door and it was opened by a miniature tornado.

“Daddy!” Gus said in a near-shout, his excitement at seeing his father clear.

He was followed by a frazzled looking Melanie whose jaw dropped when she saw who accompanied Brian. Son of a bitch, she thought. He got him back. He fucking got him back. She was torn between being pleased and disgust. “Come in,” she invited. “Lindz, honey, the asshole’s here!” she hollered.

“Christ,” Brian said in disgust. “And you two complain about me cursing. The kid’s going to have the foulest mouth on the playground before he’s five years old.”

“Don’t call him that, Mel.” Lindsay started to chide her wife then stopped cold at the top of the stairs, one stiletto heel on and the other in her hand. “Justin, baby, what are you doing here?” Please God, she prayed, tell me that Brian is trying to fix things. That he’s not going to fuck this up again.

Before Justin had a chance to answer, Brian said, smugly, “He’s with me.”

“One night thing?” Melanie inquired bitchily. Pregnancy hadn’t done anything to dull her inner bitch much less bring out her inner goddess. Brian simply brought out the worst in her. It wasn't hard to do and so much fun. For both of them, she admitted. It gave them both some sort of perverse pleasure to mind-fuck the other.

Lindsay sent her wife a scorching glare. Brian said, “No.” Then he looked at Justin, who realized that three pairs of eyes were focused on him.

“No, it’s not a one-night thing. I found what I thought I’d lost.”

Making his presence known, Gus shouted, “Daddy! Go wit’ you and Jus’n.”

Directing his attention to his son, Brian bent down, and held his arms out as Gus ran full force into them. “Hey, Sonny Boy. You say hi to Justin yet?”

“Hi, Jus’n,” Gus said, quietly. I haven’t seen you and Daddy for a while, he thought. He liked Daddy. Daddy was fun though he didn’t like it much when Mama Melanie was mean to him. He’d heard Mommy and Mama Mel fighting about Daddy. That scared him and made him sad.

“Hey, kiddo,” Justin knelt down so that he was eye level with the toddler. He was good with kids and adored Brian’s son.

Lindsay observed the interaction between the three most important males in her life. “Gus, honey, why don’t you go grab your bag and bear. Daddy and Justin will be waiting down here for you.”

It’ll give us grown-ups a chance to talk, she thought, watching as her son disappeared upstairs.

Brian stood, turned to go to the living room. He flopped down on the sofa, Justin sitting down next to him, and then Brian simply pulled him down on top of him. They make a pretty picture, Lindsay noted. Light and dark, opposing forces.

Melanie sat down and looked at her wife. I’ll never understand their connection, she thought. Why the asshole means so fucking much to her? What does Brian Kinney have that I don’t? Other than an over-used dick. I’ll never be him, never really have all of her heart. Lindsay and Brian shared a past. Things that she wasn’t a part of. She knew she didn’t know everything about their relationship. They also shared a son. As much as she loved Gus, and Melanie did, he isn’t really mine. It was a bond that Lindsay and Brian would always share. Hell, the asshole’s name is on the fucking birth certificate. A decision that she'd fought tooth and nail against and wound up losing.

“So, Bri, how long?”

Justin shifted on Brian and Brian’s arms casually looped around him, a move so intimate that Lindsay caught her breath. It was obvious just how comfortable the two were together. She knew that in seven months they’d have been together off and on for three and a half years. Brian had changed, evolved, and shifted.

“Less than 24 hours,” Brian answered honestly. His eyes sought out Melanie’s. He hadn’t forgotten nor forgiven her for betting against them when they’d gotten back together after Justin had been hurt. Wonder what the bet will be this time? The difference was that this time he was determined that the house was going to win. And they wouldn't be fucking in Debbie's downstairs bathroom while their supposed "friends" decided they didn't have a chance in hell.

Lindsay had expected him to say days not hours. Their reconciliation was shiny and new, like a newly minted penny. “Bri, you sure you want to have Gus overnight? Wouldn’t you rather spend time alone with Justin?”

Understanding completely what she was trying to do, he said, “Got a big night planned, Lindz?”

“I bet,” Melanie snidely remarked. Her comment earned a glare from both Brian and Lindsay. Great, she thought, just fucking great. Now she’s pissed at me. "Brian, we'll pick him up at ten." Her tone making it clear that there was no room for objection from either her wife or her arch-nemesis.

“Actually,” he began, “we need to stop by Daphne’s so Justin can pick up some clothes and some other stuff. Then it’s back to the loft. Spend time with Sunshine and Mini-Me. Ten is fine.”

God, does she really think I’d turn down the opportunity to spend time with my son? He thought. It’s not as if I spend all that much time with him as it is. Wonder whose idea that is as if it wasn't clear as crystal.

“You’re sure?”

“Yes,” he ground out, sparks of green flashing in the depths of his hazel eyes. “Lindz, enjoy your function. Enjoy your night with the Queen of Mean. We'll see you at ten.”

“So, this isn’t some fly by night thing? You know, in and out?” Melanie interjected.

You cunt, Brian thought, as his arms grew a bit tighter around Justin. Knew the teen was avoiding looking at him for fear of what his eyes held. He shifted into a sitting position so that Justin was sitting astride his lap, in a position that mimicked what they sometimes found themselves in while fucking. Surprisingly enough, it was Justin who answered. “I’m back. Staying. This is real. It’s not a rebound.” You bitch.

“What about Ethan?”

It was difficult but Brian clamped down on his temper while Justin looked into his eyes, reading the emotion that lay in his expressive eyes. “Over. He cheated on me.”

“Oh, baby, I’m so sorry,” Lindsay said, feeling guilt stab her like a needle. She avoided looking at her best friend. She knew that Brian blamed her, on some level, for the collapse of their relationship. For introducing him to the interloper that would fuck everything up, turn Brian’s world upside down.

“That asshole,” Melanie burst out. She looked directly at Brian. Then spoke with deliberate and cutting irony, “But isn’t that why you left Brian? Because he couldn’t keep his dick in his pants? Fucked everything in sight because a hole is a hole is a hole. Right, Kinney?” Her tone venomous.

“Jealous, Mel? Jealous that I have a dick and you don’t.”

“I prefer pussy, Brian. Love going down on it. Never did like dick.” Unless it’s Lindsay or Leda wearing a harness.

“Fuck you, Melanie,” Brian said, keeping his voice low. She always knew where to strike to make him bleed. But he could and had done the same to her.

“No, that’s not why I left Brian.” Justin’s tone made it clear that he was in no hurry to elaborate. “Ethan made me a promise of fidelity. He lied.” And that was the difference. Brian had always been painfully honest.

Lindsay knew exactly what Justin wasn’t saying. He’d found someone to give him the pretty words but an ugly reality. Brian, on the other hand, refused to admit his true feelings but was honest to a fault. And loved Justin silently but deeply. And Justin had found what mattered to him was Brian.

“Mommy,” a young voice called.

“Yeah, baby.”

“I wanna go with Daddy and Jus’n. I’m ready.”

The adults laughed. There was more than a little of Brian in his son. Sensing the conversation was over, Gus made his way downstairs, dragging a diaper bag and the leather-clad bear his father had bought him when he was a baby. "We're going to drop you off at Daddy's in a little while, Gus. Daddy's car won't fit three people. It's safer if we drop you off."

Gus pouted. “Daddy.”

Brian unfolded himself from Justin, easing the teen from his lap. He rose to help his son, saying, “Yeah, Sonny Boy.” He knelt down next to his son and said, "Mommy's right. I've got this tiny car and it's better if your mommies bring you over later."

“Go, Daddy. Go,” he insisted, lower lip jutting out in a familiar expression. Definitely my son, Brian thought.

Was I ever this young? This innocent? He wondered. Somehow I doubt it. Think Jack first hit me when I was around Gus’s age. Couldn’t imagine doing the same to his own son. "You will, kiddo. Just a little bit later." Christ, he hated disappointing his son.

“So you two are back together?” Melanie asked, just to confirm. “Not just fucking. Or sucking?”

She was astonished when Brian whirled around. His eyes locked on Justin and, in a movement so fluid it seemed choreographed, they came together in a blur of motion. Brian’s mouth crushed down on Justin’s, savagely plundering the depths, tongue scraping his teeth. Tongue sought Justin’s even as he clamped his hands on Justin’s hips, pulling him closer. When he broke the kiss, both were flushed with arousal, breathing heavily, eyes darkened with desire.

He turned back to Melanie. “That answer your fucking question?” Had he not been in the muncher’s living room, he’d have dragged Justin down to the floor. He still felt the need, pumping hot through him, the need for possession.

Justin was still breathless though he understood the motivation behind Brian’s action. His lips were bruised, flesh tender to the touch. And he knew that he’d been branded, marked for ownership. Knew that Brian had said quite clearly: Mine.

Lindsay bit her lip once again. Wow, she thought. She had vague memories of Brian in bed, the raw power of him as he rose up above her. Memory warred with reality and reality won out. She started to admonish Brian for his behavior but her wife beat her to it with her usual disregard for tact. “Yeah. But if I wanted a floor show it wouldn’t be you two. And not in front of Gus.”

That had Brian stepping forward, a dangerous glint in eyes gone dark with fury. “Who’d you prefer, Melanie? Jenna Jameson and Sydnee Steele, maybe? Or Jenna and Briana Banks?” There was a clear edge to his tone, an icy undertone.

The tension ratcheted up a notch and had Lindsay and Justin stepping closer to their respective partners. “As if he hasn’t been affected by the sound of you two going down on each other. At least, I’ve never walked out on him. I never turned my back on my own child. And I’ve never had sex with anyone in the same room as Gus. Or while he's sleeping next door.” Seeing as he was on a roll, Brian decided to twist the knife a little deeper, knowing even as he did so that it was going too far. “I know that I satisfied Lindsay, know those moans when she rode me were real.” He hated using their brief affair as ammunition but enjoyed seeing Melanie flinch.

Justin, however, just closed his eyes. He felt as uncomfortable with the reality of Brian’s carnal knowledge of Lindsay as did Melanie. Having a front row seat was sometimes highly overrated. Where on earth did Brian ever see Jenna Jameson? He wondered. Hetero porn was not something he enjoyed then he realized that for along time lesbian scenes were all Jenna had done. So the girls might have seen something though he couldn't imagine the proper Lindsay watching a fuck film.

Lindsay inhaled, tears pooling in her eyes. Justin was shocked. It had Gus wondering why Mama was so mean to Daddy, why Mommy was crying, and why his Daddy was so cranky. He wondered if Daddy was done yelling. Melanie stepped forward, her hand surging upwards on a direct collision course to Brian’s face. “First strike is free. After that I hit back.” His words were cool and spoken with quiet detachment. He pulled the mask back into place but it took effort.

The quiet delivery had her backing down, though there was still murder in her eyes. She looked down and, out of the corner of her eye, saw Gus. He’d been so quiet everyone had forgotten him. Shit, she thought. Holy Christ.

Lindsay looked at Brian and the hurt and anger he read in her eyes had him knowing the battle was over but not the war.

“Daddy,” Gus said, creeping closer to his father, clutching his teddy bear close. Fear made his voice quake and he wanted to pee but was trying so hard to be a big boy. To make his daddy proud of him.

Brian looked down at his son and felt guilt so profound it nearly dropped him to his knees. He’d done two things he’d never wanted to: acted in a moment of weakness like Jack Kinney and scared his child.

“You mad at Mommy and Mama. Why?”

Oh, fuck, he thought. “Not mad, Sonny Boy. Just having a little disagreement.” Okay, so that was a lie. But how do you explain about lesbian sex to a near three-year-old, he wondered. Or that I would give anything to bend Justin over that table over there and fuck the shit out of him.

To a small frightened little boy it was still Daddy being angry. Gus looked at his Daddy, so big and strong. He wondered where the man who tickled him was. Where the man who read him Goodnight, Moon over and over again was. And Jus’n looked sad too as he looked at Daddy.

Lindsay made a forcible effort not to plow into Brian herself. This was far from over, she realized. He’d never really cut Melanie down like that in front of Gus before. Though, she admitted, Melanie's done it to him often enough.

Melanie made a strangled sound of disbelief. “You’re not still planning on letting him take him. After what the asshole said. I’m sure Dusty can watch him.”

The idea of Dusty with his son made Brian’s blood boil. No fucking way. He began to answer but then Lindsay turned on her wife. “I’m attributing your actions to hormones. Brian is still my son’s father. I don’t need your permission to let Brian see his son. And don’t call him an asshole in front of Gus." "But you're right," she said, turning to Brian, "all three of you can't ride in that dick on wheels." She simply called it as she saw it.

Brian looked at her, her patrician mask was slipping a bit. "Why don't you bring Gus over right before you two leave?"

“Your son?” Melanie repeated. She hated the way Brian fucking Kinney could and would always come between them. She hated knowing that they’d been lovers, a fact which had been so indelicately shoved in her face again. It bothered her that Brian knew her wife intimately, carnally, knew places on Lindsay’s body she probably didn’t even know about. She too knew that this conversation was far from over.

“My son,” Lindsay emphasized the word my. Directing her attention to Brian, she said coldly, “We’ll be there around ten to pick him up. Thank you for watching him.” Her patrician WASP breeding showed through her anger, leaving her voice arctic and emotionless.

She followed him out, sending an acid glance back at her wife. Once in the driveway, Lindsay turned on him. "How could you?"

"How could I what?"

"Don't play stupid. You know what you did."

"Just pointed out a fact," Brian said. He wasn't going to apologize for saying something that was true. "Melanie is clearly suffering from penis envy."

Not acknowledging that, she said, "How could you cut her down like that?"

"Moi," he droned sarcastically. "How many fucking times has she cut my balls off in front of Gus? Turnabout is fair play, Lindz. Something your dear wife should know."

"You threatened to hit her," Lindsay pointed out. That had made her blood turn to ice. She'd rarely seen the violence that simmered within Brian. "You alluded to porn stars."

Brian looked directly at her. "Wasn't Melanie in a layout once? I'd have thought she'd be flattered by that. After all, Jenna is one fucking hot woman. I may be gay but even I can appreciate the beauty of that woman." He continued, "I would not have hit her. I've never struck a woman in my life, much less a pregnant one. But I don't cotton to her threatening to hit me in front of my son. Or treating me like shit she scraped off the bottom of her shoe. And thanks for the belated support, Lindz. She hates the fact that I have a dick and she doesn't."

"And you use yours so well."

"Of course I do. Justin can testify to that." Then, smiling smugly and unapologetically, he said, "So can you."

Seeing that she wasn't getting through to him, she said, "We'll be by in an hour or so with Gus. Is that okay? We'll call first."

"Yeah, we need to stop by the store anyway. I didn't think you'd want Gus riding in the car with us."

"It's not that," Lindsay said wearily. "But the three of you can't fit in that car. I don't know how you manage fucking in it." At least, the jeep had more room, she thought.

Brian smiled smugly. "I have my ways."

"I'm sure you do," she said, images flashing unbidden through her mind. It was always something to remember Brian unrestrained. But I'm a lesbian, she reminded herself. I like pussy not cock. Funny how that seemed hollow even to her.

It was Justin who walked out the front door last, stopping to say goodbye to Melanie. Melanie spoke sadly, “Why do you love Brian? Why does everyone care so much about a fucking, narcissistic asshole?”

Justin met her gaze. “I love him because he’s Brian. I get him. I understand him.”

Sighing, Melanie realized that she’d never understand why Brian inspired such loyalty and devotion even from those who he had treated like shit in the past. “Baby, I hope you know what you’re getting into. I’d hate to see you hurt again.”

“And Brian wasn’t hurt?” he pointed out. “He wasn’t hurt by my walking out on him? I got a second chance with the man I love. I’m not going to fuck it up.”

Melanie watched from the front door as Justin got into the Corvette. She couldn’t shake the fear that one day she wouldn’t be enough for Lindsay. She watched Justin and Brian drive away, feeling cold and empty inside as Lindsay stood on the driveway. It was lost on her that Gus was by her side, watching his daddy drive away also.

Inside the Corvette, the two men were silent. Brian simply concentrated on driving. His eyes met Justin’s and he read pain and disappointment in the baby blues.

He headed towards the apartment Justin shared with Daphne. He’d opted for a Classic Rock station and felt the strains of Fleetwood Mac’s Gold Dust Woman fill the car. He could relate and identify with this song. It was a few minutes before Justin trusted himself enough to speak without attacking Brian himself. “You coming up?”

“No. I'll wait for you in the car. The girls will bring him by in an hour or so. Tell Daph I say hi. Get what you need,” Brian said, pulling up in front of their building. He got out to let Justin out and said, “I’m sorry about the scene at Lindz’s.”

“Not me you need to apologize to,” Justin said, lips finding Brian’s in a gentle and soft kiss that sought to soothe not arouse. Still when he drew away he could feel the heat in Brian’s gaze, felt the underlying promise of wickedness.

Brian watched him disappear into the building, then brushed the pad of his thumb across his lips, then licked them, still tasting Justin. He knew Justin was right and considered himself lucky that Lindsay hadn’t reamed him out then and there.

The apartment he shared with Daphne was on the third floor of an old, pre-war building. Forgoing the temperamental elevator and ignoring the complaints of the sleeping wino on the stairs, he took the stairs two at a time. He fumbled the key into the lock, cursing until he felt the tumblers finally engage. He pushed the door open and walked in on his best friend and her current boyfriend engaged in some pretty serious petting. She pulled down her shirt and Curtis covered his lap, belatedly disguising a hard-on that was enviable.

“Shit, Justin!” she exclaimed. “Ever hear of calling?” She was mortified as she tore herself away.

“Sorry Daph. Curtis,” he said. “Brian’s waiting down in the car.”

Curtis simply nodded, a little embarrassed that Daphne's gay roommate had seen his cock. But he dismissed it. It wasn't like he hadn't seen dicks before. Just that from a purely aesthetic standpoint even he could admit that Justin was hot. That didn't bother him as much as it should have. And it bothered him that it didn't bother him. He had to admit he wondered what Taylor looked like naked. Okay, man, he thought. You've got a hot woman about to go down on you and you're comparing dicks. Think about what you're doing.

“You got him back,” she squealed as Curtis pulled her back down, so she was between his knees. He fumbled loose one of the clasps of her bra and she swatted at him, as his fingers closed on one of her nipples. She glanced back at him and he simply smirked. "So where is Mr. Magnificent?"

“Yep,” Justin said, cryptically. "He's in the car." He disappeared into his bedroom. From the closet, he removed a week’s worth of shirts, two pairs of cargo pants and a few pairs of dressier slacks for work at Vanguard, socks, and an Yves St. Laurent thong Brian had bought him. Last into his bag was a sketchpad and a couple of grease pencils. He hoped to cajole Brian into letting him sketch father and son together.

He said his goodbyes knowing that Daphne was going to fuck Curtis on their sofa. Christ, he thought disgusted, straight sex. The thought had him shuddering as he slid into the ‘Vette. “Got everything?” Brian asked.

“Uh huh.”

“How’s Daphne?”

“Getting ready to fuck her boyfriend on our sofa. I think she was stroking him off when I walked in the door. I may never sit on it again.” Ugh, breeder sex.

“Just think of how many times you’ve shot a load on our sofa,” Brian reminded him. Like I haven’t done the same, he thought, remembering a time recently when he’d had a trick over who had spent long moments licking and sucking him to multiple orgasms.

Taking a moment to savor the word our, Justin looked at him. “The sofa is white. Brian, cum is white. It’s not like it stands out until it dries.”

“True.” God, I wish you’d just move back into the loft. He understood Justin’s reluctance and even admired the kid for sticking to his guns. When they moved in together again, and Brian knew that day would come, it would be for all the right reasons. “You get clothes for Monday?” Thought of Justin in his office and wondered just how he was going to keep his hands off the very hot, young blond. Though, of course, there was the added bonus of getting caught in a compromising position. He wondered if he could convince Cynthia to run interference for him with Gardner.

“Uh huh. Brian, why don’t we run by the grocery store? I can pick up some stuff for dinner.”

He’d missed Justin’s cooking. Missed walking in after a long day at work to something on the stove or the oven. Missed the occasions when it had been prepared by a naked chef. How many times had the meal been forgotten so that Brian simply raised him up and gone down on him or had him lean forward against the counter so Brian could fuck him. Or the nights he'd walked into the loft to find Justin laying in bed jacking off, so near to exploding it had taken a mere touch from him. It had been calming to know that at the end of the day he’d be coming home to someone who loved him. He hadn’t experienced that in the Kinney household. It had been more along the lines of, “Where’s that fucking kid?” Or “Where’s my beer. Goddammit, woman, why isn’t dinner ready?” And then, of course, there had been the nights Jack would be sober as a dormouse and smack him so hard he’d fall into a wall or a table. How many times had he chipped his tooth or broken his nose? Or bruised his ribs. Dismissing thoughts of the past because they did nothing but remind him of pain, Brian sighed.

“Sure.”

He glanced at Justin, blue eyes wide and questioning. “You think I stepped over the line, don’t you?”

“I think you stepped on it and erased it. But I understand why you did what you did.” He couldn’t honestly say that hearing about his lover’s relationship with Lindsay didn’t have a serious squick factor or that it didn’t bother him. It did. But it was he who had Brian. He wondered just how much that bothered her.

Brian looked at him. He didn’t much believe in second chances but he and Justin had one. For someone who’d fought against ever having a relationship, he wanted this to work pretty fucking desperately. So he was willing to do whatever it took, stopping short of sacrificing his pride and doing something he regarded as lesbianic. That isn’t to say that Brian wasn’t willing to eat some crow. It was just that it wasn’t a regular staple on Brian Kinney’s menu.

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