Finding Your Own Way Back

Chapter 19

In the middle of The Maltese Falcon, they were disturbed by the door. Grown weary of uninvited visitors, Brian groaned and looked down at the drowsy blond, lying on him. "Hey, Justin," he said, "I need to get that. Unfortunately."

Nodding, Justin shifted and sat up. Setting the bowl of popcorn down on the coffee table, he stood and went to retrieve a bottle of water for himself while Brian went to the door, muttering darkly under his breath. Justin didn't have to hear him to know he wasn't happy.

Sliding the loft door open, he said, "Well, this is a surprise. We didn't expect you. Ever hear of a funny little thing called a telephone?"

Brian's tone was not entirely hostile. But he was kind of amused at the kid's balls. Curious, Justin joined him at the door, mouth agape. "Um, does Daphne know you're here?"

Curtis shook his head "no". Starting slowly, he said, "I think I'm gay. Or bi. Oh, fuck. I couldn't sleep with her after you two left. I couldn't get it up."

Funny, Brian thought, you didn't have a problem when you were looking at us. Interesting. Can I sense 'em or what?

Torn between amusement and pity, they looked at each other. "I'm not running Kinney's House for Confused Twinks," Brian snarled. "Do what Justin did. Go down to Liberty Avenue."

"Alone?"

"I did," Justin pointed out.

Curtis looked at him, the unspoken plea clear in his eyes. Looking at him, both remembered their first times. Justin was fully aware he'd gotten lucky, remembering the first man he'd run into. Then he'd met Brian. Lucky me, he thought, aware the Fates had been smiling on him that night.

Fuck, Brian thought. This was a very bad idea, he realized. Pandora's Box. What was I thinking? Clearly, Kinney, you weren't, a voice needled him. Sighing he went to his desk and reached for a note pad. Scribbling something on it, he rejoined the two. Handing it to Curtis, he said, "Give this to the guy at the front door. Tell him Kinney sent you. Find the backroom. Watch for a while, see if it's really what you want."

"And you two?"

Justin glanced at Brian and then met Curtis's eyes. "We don't do friends."

"So what was that today?" Curtis asked, clearly confused.

"A mistake spurred on by a wager. A reminder that we both like men," Brian said. "Don't go down there expecting love or a relationship. It's all about fucking a nice ass or getting your dick sucked."

"Thanks."

"Don't," Brian said, aware his tone was short.

Understanding dawned, and Curtis nodded. "Justin."

"Be careful. Brian's right. Don't go down there expecting anything more than to get fucked or your dick sucked."

"You make it sound like I'm entering a new dimension."

"You are. Pretty much everything you can imagine. But it's nothing like Christopher Street."

"Huh?"

Rolling his eyes and wishing he were anywhere else, Brian said, "It's a famous street in New York." He reached into his pocket and handed him a handful of condoms. "Here."

"You guys are monogamous right?"

Clearly he had no clue who he was dealing with, Justin thought, but didn't say as much. Snorting, Justin said, "Don't fuck raw. Ever."

"But---" Curtis began.

"Don't be so fucking naïve. Monogamy isn't a guarantee or even a reality. Just go down there and see if that's what really gets your rocks off."

Nodding and sensing they wanted him to go, Curtis turned to leave. "You know that you really fucked with Daph's head today."

"Like I said, it was a bad idea. Not what we intended."

"But you are into crowd scenes?" I sound like a bad entry into a Penthouse Letter, Curtis thought.

"On occasion. But it's by invitation only," Brian said. "Don't mean to be rude. But it's time for you to go. Just test the waters. And for God's sake, don't do anything you aren't ready to do. Neophytes are eaten alive. But if you think you are a top, then fucking Todd is a good start. Everyone in the backroom knows who Todd is. He's a good guy and he's a good bottom."

"Okay." He walked to the door and slid it open, not looking back.

Sliding the door closed, Brian rested his forehead against the cold metal for a minute before turning back to Justin. "Go ahead and say it."

"Say what?"

"That you told me so. That this was a bad idea."

"Nope," Justin said. No sense kicking him when he was already down, he figured. "Let's finish the movie."

"You up for anything tonight?" Brian asked. "Or did you just want to sleep?"

"Sleep," Justin admitted honestly. "I've got an early day tomorrow and a very demanding boss to please." No sense mentioning the adventure of the afternoon had pretty much eliminated any desire for further sexual Olympics.

Brian grinned at the depiction of him as a "demanding" boss. "You want a ride in?"

Shaking his head reluctantly, Justin said, "I think it's better if I arrive before you. It would be bad to arouse suspicions."

Brian raised an eyebrow. "You really would have quit, wouldn't you?"

Stepping towards him, Justin led him to the sofa. He pushed Brian down and settled himself between his legs before answering. "Yeah, I don't want to fuck you out of a job. Mom was right about that." He had no idea how those words would come back to haunt them both.

"Wouldn't be the first to try," Brian said, remembering Kip.

Justin knew his lover well enough to realize who Brian was thinking about and so he simply nestled into him. "I'm not Kip, Bri. I'm not trying to sleep my way to the top."

"No," Brian agreed. "You started at the top."

"You know narcissism is a really unattractive quality." But Justin knew that Brian's cockiness concealed a deep-seated insecurity.

Not answering, Brian simply pressed the play button. His arms tightened around Justin as they settled in to finish the movie. He couldn't help thinking about Curtis and hoping that they hadn't created a golem. The kid had no idea what he was getting into. While Brian didn't relish acting out a role in Pygmalion, he didn't intend to throw him to the lions. Justin had similar thoughts tempered by the realization that he had indeed fucked with Daphne's head.

When the movie finally ended, Justin turned to look at Brian. The older man had fallen asleep with his mouth slightly open. Easing out of his arms so as not to disturb him, Justin walked upstairs to the bedroom, returning with a blanket. He tucked it around Brian, as Brian shifted in his sleep, unconsciously pulling it closer to him. Kissing him on the forehead, Justin said, "I love you, Brian." Turning off the television, he proceeded to turn off the lights and arm the alarm system.

Wandering into the bathroom, he brushed his teeth, washed his face with the expensive stuff Brian insisted on buying, and moisturized his face. He realized that he'd settled into an unconscious routine. But he wasn't about to start moving things in until he'd been given the green light. No sense looking a gift horse in the mouth or Brian, for that matter. Stripping down, Justin slid into bed, aware that it felt weird sleeping alone in Brian's bed. But he knew that it was easier to let Brian sleep where he was than awaken him. For an insomniac, it wasn't cool or kind to disturb one's sleep. Besides he knew Brian was comfortable where he was. So flopping onto his stomach, Justin slid into sleep.

It was nearly 3 o'clock when Brian startled awake, pulled from sleep by a nightmare or dream. The fucking witching hour, he thought grumpily as his eyes focused on the clock on the DVD player. Looking down at himself, he realized that he'd been covered up. Smiling, Brian knew that Justin had done that for him. He wasn't unaware that Justin hadn't said he loved him. But considering how he reacted when the teen did say it, he couldn't entirely blame him for the oversight. It bothered him how much he found he needed the words.

Tossing the blanket aside, Brian walked into the bathroom to pee. Then he began his own nocturnal routine, brushing his teeth, washing his face, and moisturizing his skin with the French anti-aging cream that Justin sometimes teased him about. But as it was out on the counter and the cap slightly askew, Brian knew that he'd used it himself. Huh? Why the hell does he need this? It's not like he's going to get lines for a few more years. But better to start young, he thought. He finished his routine and undressing then slipped into bed beside Justin, knowing that the teen had somehow sensed his presence. Reaching for him in his sleep, Brian thought, uncomfortable with how much he liked that feeling. So he rolled onto his side, letting the teen hold him like he might hold a teddy bear, as he fell asleep, comforted by the thought that Justin was back.

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