Finding Your Own Way Back

Chapter 12

It was a little after ten-thirty when Lindsay and Gus finally left the loft. Brian slid the loft door closed after walking them down to the car. He turned to look at a drowsy Justin sprawled on the sofa. It was such a familiar pose that Brian felt need hit him. It had been a long day, he thought, remembering the visits from both Debbie and Jennifer Taylor. Welcome to our life, he thought. He took a deep breath as he walked towards the sofa, wondering if the disagreement from earlier that day would prevent them from enjoying their night alone.

Earlier that day…

Debbie left the loft, her heart singing as she thought about the scene she'd stumbled onto in Brian's loft. She'd never been so relieved in her life to see Brian with Justin. She'd felt on some level it was inevitable that they'd find their way back to each other. Because Brian needs Sunshine, she thought.

As she reached Liberty Avenue, she decided to stop in at the comic book store and pay her son a visit. Talk to him before he steps in it, she thought. For the first time, she wondered what exactly her son had said at the girls' anniversary party to make Brian hit him. She knew it couldn't have been good or Brian wouldn't have punched him like he had, even though at the time she'd thought him an animal. It took a lot for Brian to lose the famous control he worked so hard for; the control that separated him from the side of him that could be more like Jack than he wanted to be. Not for the first time, Debbie wondered if anyone knew just what demons Brian fought to keep his rage under wraps.

Taking a deep breath, she opened the door. She hadn't come equipped with turkey meatloaf or lemon bars but with the advice of a mother who was weary of reminding her son that he would never get what he so desperately wanted. Namely Brian Aidan Kinney. "Ma," Michael said, happy to see her for once.

"Michael." She saw the wariness slide into Michael's brown eyes and wondered at it.

"What's up?"

Deciding to forgo bullshit in favor of unvarnished truth, she said, "I just saw Brian."

"Oh," Michael said, voice not betraying anything.

Wow, she thought, he's doing a good job of not saying anything. I wonder who taught him that because it sure as fuck wasn't me. "And Sunshine."

"Oh," Michael said, an edge creeping into his voice.

"They're back together."

"I know."

Studying her son, Debbie wished for the millionth time that he'd get over this crush on Brian. Realize that it was never going to happen. "Honey, he's happy. I think he truly loves this kid."

"You've said that before," Michael snapped at her. "And that kid that everyone adores walked out on him in front of more than three hundred people. Didn't even have the decency to talk to Brian alone. Basically cut his balls off in front of everyone." It hurt him when he remembered just how hurt Brian had been, how he'd pulled the mask off to reveal the hurt in his eyes, only to have Justin walk away with that fiddler.

"We don't know everything about their relationship, honey. And Brian's entitled to happiness. And it's not like everyone hasn't seen Brian's balls before."

"I know that," he said, irritated. "That's not the point, Ma."

"I know that too, Michael. Do you? Because I think that as long as Brian is unhappy he needs you. And you'd rather him be miserable and needing you than happy and needing Sunshine." It was a remarkably astute observation.

"That's not true. I want Brian to be happy. He's my best friend and I love him."

"I know you do, honey. But he's got Justin in his life now and from where I sit, he's not going anywhere."

"Until someone younger and hotter walks into his life and tells him the things Brian won't ever tell him."

Debbie stared at her son. "You've got Ben, Michael. Why the fuck can't you let Brian go? Why can't you let him be happy? Doesn't he deserve that? After the shit he grew up with it's a wonder Brian's not more fucked up. That he's as stable as he is."

"Have you forgotten the nights you tended his bruised and battered face? How he refused to let you take him to the hospital when his ribs were nearly broken by that sick fuck he called his father? The nights when he crawled into my bed and cried himself to sleep, wondering why his family didn't love him." The night more recently when he'd poured a drunk Brian into a cab so he didn't crash the newly acquired 'Vette. That night the drunk had been because of Justin, Michael remembered.

"No, honey, I haven't. But I also saw how Brian fucked everything that moved in a vain attempt to find the one thing that was missing in his life. How he was on a search to find something that he believed didn't exist. The ability to love and be loved in return. He only found that when Sunshine walked into his life. When he saw Sunshine under that light, something changed for Brian."

"You've been watching Moulin Rouge again," Michael said. "And this isn't a Hollywood love story, Ma."

Debbie sighed and took a deep breath. She remembered the tragic end of the movie too. Not matter how many times she saw it, the ending still brought her to tears. "Michael, honey, I know you love Brian. But he won't ever give you what you want."

"He offered once," Michael admitted.

That surprised Debbie. She wouldn't have thought that of Brian. "And you turned him down, didn't you?"

"Yes."

"Why?"

Michael looked at her. "Because I didn't want him that way. The same way I didn't want him to fuck me when he was depressed as shit over losing his dad."

"Isn't it because you know that it would wreck your friendship with Brian if you two ever did end up in bed?"

"No," he said, refusing to acknowledge that was the reason that lay behind his decision. That not having Brian as a friend had caused him to refuse the offer. And it wasn't Ben but Brian who had proved the incentive for turning Brian down.

"Michael," Debbie pressed.

He closed his eyes and his answer took a long time coming. "Yes, I know it would wreck our friendship. But that doesn't mean that I think Justin is the best thing for him because I don't."

"Justin loves him," Debbie pointed out. "Foibles and faults. Warts and all."

"Brian doesn't have warts," Michael said, picking up on the least important part of the statement as usual. "And Justin left him."

"Because Brian wouldn't tell him he mattered," Debbie said. "He wouldn't tell him that he wasn't just as a fuck buddy, that he actually wanted him there."

"Everything Brian did for that kid should have told Justin he mattered. Anyone could see that." Even me, Michael admitted.

"I could see that. I think we forget that the Justin we knew before he got hurt is gone. He didn't come back the same, honey. The Justin that Brian fell for was nearly killed by that fucker with the bat. And the person who came back had different needs and attitudes than the one who went after Brian with such disregard for anyone's opinion."

"So you're saying that he was right? That he was right to leave Brian? To shatter Brian's heart?"

"No, I'm not saying that. But I'm saying that maybe we should cut them both some slack. That the fact that Brian's giving him a second chance means something. Brian doesn't do that for just anyone. Look at how he gave you a second chance. He gave you a chance for a life with David, Michael. He's not always the asshole that we all think. He's sometimes surprisingly selfless." Even if we don't always see it at the point of impact, she thought.

"Ma, I get your point. I'll try to stay out of it. But I don't like Justin."

You're jealous of him, she thought. Jealous because he has a part of Brian that you won't ever have. But she stayed silent. She walked towards him, cupping his chin in her palm, and lifted his chin up so that their eyes could meet. "You have a lot of the Italian in you, Michael Novotny. But you also have some drag-queen. Remember that your heart is as big as the ocean. Isn't it big enough to include Sunshine?" She kissed his cheek, rubbing when she saw she'd left lipstick. "Come by the diner later and I'll fix you some dinner to take home for you and Ben."

Michael stood at the counter for a few minutes after his mom disappeared, thinking about what she'd said. It had some truth to it, he admitted. Maybe I was too quick to judge Justin, he thought. God knew that Brian did love the kid on some level that he couldn't understand. And, he supposed, it was true that I do get jealous. Jealous when I know that Brian's fucking him in the backroom and knowing that it's not the same as it is when he's with an anonymous trick.

Back to the loft (night)…

Brian sat down on the sofa, Justin curled up in one end. He'd flipped off the TV and put the living room back to rights, Brian noticed. He rolled his neck realizing that it was stiff. Justin looked at him and Brian smiled tentatively.

"You still pissed at me?" he asked.

Justin shook his head. "Not pissed," he said, "just disappointed. I hate Stockwell but I understand your position."

"Come here," Brian said. His back was tight, he knew. It was a sure sign of unrelieved stress. Seemed Justin recognized it too.

Sliding towards him on the couch, Justin ran his hands up Brian's back and settled on his shoulders. "You're tight," he commented.

"Thought you liked that about me."

"I'm talking about your back, smart ass."

"I know," Brian said, thinking of the last time he'd gotten a massage. It had been a while, he acknowledged, and it hadn't been someone who cared about him as much as Justin did.

Justin kissed his shoulder and Brian cocked his head. "Do you have any of that vanilla and orange neroli massage oil?"

"Yeah," Brian responded, "it's in the bathroom."

Justin got up and returned a few minutes later with a towel and the massage oil. He kissed Brian, unsurprised when the kiss quickly turned passionate. They'd needed this all day, he thought. Needed to be together as much as anything else. He traced the outline of Brian's mouth with his tongue, waiting as Brian sucked his tongue harder. Breaking the kiss, he was breathless, skin flushed. Brian smiled knowingly. He always could affect the blond, he thought cockily. But the blond affects me too.

Brian raised his arms and Justin pulled the shirt over his head. The man's nipples puckered slightly in the cool air of the loft and Justin smiled. Tossing the shirt away, Justin ran his hands down Brian's chest until they met the denim of his jeans. "Sonny boy, you want to play?" Brian all but purred.

Justin nodded, eagerness warring with desire. He unsnapped the first button, then the next, shuddering as his finger brushed against quickening flesh. Then the next until Brian's awakening cock sprang free. He met Brian's eyes, darkening with desire. It was always like this with them, he reflected. Quickfire lust. Brian stood and quickly dropped the pants where he stood, stepping out of them.

"You're overdressed," he commented, hooking his fingers in the band of Justin's cargo pants and pulling him towards him. The palm of his hand cupped Justin's balls and the teen shuddered, reminding Brian of the first time they'd done this. Brian kissed him, tongue mapping the interior regions of Justin's mouth as he pulled the pants down until he felt Justin's cock brush against his thigh. Pulling away, he said, "Bed."

"Uh huh."

Brian smiled at him. "I think I've got a drop cloth somewhere. This is bound to get messy," he said.

Since Justin agreed and found himself rendered speechless for the moment, he simply nodded. He followed Brian into the bedroom where he tossed the duvet aside and pulled the top sheet off. "There's a drop cloth in the storage closet," he said. "Why don't you get it?"

When Justin returned he found Brian idly stroking his cock. "You starting before me?" he gently accused.

"Just playing with myself," Brian said. "I thought you liked watching me jack off."

"I do," Justin admitted. "It always turned me on when you touched yourself. Watching you shoot. It's one of the few times you lose control."

"I know," Brian said, his tone smug. Gesturing to the drop cloth, he said, "Why don't you put it on the bed, Sunshine?"

Doing so, Justin met Brian's eyes. Through silent agreement, it was Brian who lay down on the bed, on his stomach, legs spread wide apart. It was one of the positions Brian adopted when he wanted to get rimmed. Though his mouth fairly watered at the thought of Brian's ass, Justin reminded himself that he was giving Brian a massage, and not about to eat his ass. He knelt with his knees, on either side of Brian's back, and poured a little of the massage oil into the palm of his hand. Rubbing them together to heat up the oil, he started on Brian's shoulders. Brian's head was turned so that he could just barely see Justin. He rubbed the flesh and heard Brian's stifled whimper. "You're tense," he said. "Relax."

"Just been a long time."

Justin studied him. "You haven't been getting a regular massage?" he asked.

"No," Brian said. Not for anything would he admit that he preferred Justin's method of massage therapy to that of some impersonal masseur who often worked him too hard. And probably went into a bathroom stall to jerk off the minute he was off the table.

"Well, then," Justin said. He gently kneaded the muscles in Brian's back until he felt the tension knot begin to release before starting to work his way down. Felt Brian shift and knew that he was growing harder.

"Is this okay," he said, gently pressing his thumb into the hollow where back met cheeks.

"You know it is," Brian grumbled. "Lower," he said, all but growling.

Justin smiled. Pouring a little more of the massage oil into his hand he rubbed Brian's cheeks, watching as Brian squirmed underneath his ministrations. "Okay?"

"Uh huh," he grunted. This is driving me crazy, he thought, dick pressing against the mattress, through the drop cloth. He slid a hand down and began working his dick as Justin massaged his ass, finger touching the sensitive area between balls and asshole. "Justin," he said, striving to even his voice out.

"Yes, Brian."

Brian figured he was smirking at him. This is just how you wanted me, he thought. Wanted me to all but beg you, he thought. And begging was something he only did when they were alone. "Slide a finger inside me," he ordered.

"I thought this was a massage, sir. I'm not a geisha," Justin said, primly.

So we're playing, he thought. "I'm not paying you not to fuck me," Brian pointed out. "I'm paying you to do whatever the fuck I want you to do." His voice rising as his need increased, "Now I want you to finger fuck me."

Understanding the rules of the game had shifted, Justin eagerly complied. "Are you clean?" he asked.

Brian stifled a groan. "The water this morning did that," he reminded Justin. "Now put your finger inside me."

He gasped as he felt Justin's finger slowly press into his rosy pucker as it clenched around the sudden intruder. Felt Justin begin to slowly move it in and out to the tip, then curl it upwards towards the top of his ass. "That's it," he moaned. "Fuck my ass with your finger. That's a good dirty boy."

Justin smiled. He liked this game. Liked hearing Brian all but beg for it. Though he wasn't ready to fuck the older man. Not yet, he admitted. He eased his finger out and asked, "What do you want your dirty boy to do now?"

Brian smiled. Ah, he's getting into the game. "Lick my ass, dirty boy. Put your tongue all over my asshole. Put your tongue into me and eat me."

Justin bent down and began to slowly but surely lick Brian's glistening cheeks. Soon they glistened from oil and from his own saliva. Felt Brian begin to writhe and slowly licked the strip of skin between ass and balls, deliberately avoiding the hole. He worked his tongue in circles until he brushed his tongue over the epicenter of the hole, washing it with his tongue. "Put your tongue in me, dirty boy," Brian ordered, shaft sliding through his hand quicker as his dick began to weep more copiously. "Tongue fuck my hot ass."

Justin made a point of his tongue, sticking it inside, past the first ring of muscle. Then he began to lick, slowly at first and then with more enthusiasm. Soon Brian was bucking his ass back against his face, trying to draw his tongue deeper inside the warmth of his hole. "That's good," he moaned, feeling Justin's tongue lick inside him. "Oh, God," he said, as he began to stroke harder, knowing that he was near orgasm. "I'm going to come," he said.

Justin eased his tongue out of Brian's asshole as Brian shot, cum splattering his belly. Brian rolled clear of the place where he'd shot on the drop cloth and glanced up at him. "Have I mentioned that you play that role quite well?"

"Uh uh," Justin said, eyes flickering. There were traces of semen on Brian's chest and Brian noticed where his eyes had landed. Smiling knowingly, Brian scooped up some and held it out to Justin.

"You like to taste me, don't you, dirty boy?"

Justin leaned over and took Brian's finger into his mouth, leisurely licking his finger clean, tongue working the finger as if it were a miniature cock. Then he licked his lips. "Uh huh."

"Why don't you lick me clean, then?" he asked, lying back on the pillows, content for the moment to let Justin take over.

Justin crawled up Brian's body till his lips met Brian's throat, starting to lick there with slow, sure strokes. He then moved down Brian's chest until he lapped up the still glistening semen. Felt Brian's fingers burrow into his hair, as he fought not to arch up into him. He continued to lap at Brian's still sweaty skin, being careful to get every last drop of come. He moved down until he licked Brian's still dripping cock clean and then slowly began to lave his balls. Brian stifled a whimper. "Game over," he grunted. "Lick me clean, Justin." Justin finished and looked up at Brian from his position between his legs. Brian smirked. "That was hot," he said.

Justin nodded. "Anything else you want your dirty boy to do?" he asked.

Brian's eyes glinted. It was never a good idea to provoke him. But Justin knew that and was up for almost anything, he thought. Still he felt it was too soon for too much. The floor show was going to be interesting enough, he reflected. Asking a lot of him. "Lie down next to me," he said.

Understanding for the moment that he'd done all that was required of him, Justin complied. "You sure you want to do this floor show?" Brian asked.

Turning onto his side, Justin looked at his lover, reflecting on how Brian resembled nothing so much as a large cat. "Yeah, I'm sure."

"You think Daphne'll be up for it?"

Thinking of his best friend, Justin nodded. "You know that she's often wondered about us, Brian. And I think she's wondered how it'd be to have a lesbian encounter."

Brian closed his eyes; his eyes were always photosensitive after an orgasm. "I think Cynthia's pretty straight-laced. I think she prefers dick to pussy."

Justin had spent some time with Cynthia and had his own thoughts about that; thoughts he wasn't willing to share with Brian for the moment. So he only said, "We might be surprised."

Brian turned onto his side, facing Justin. "You think Cynthia's a carpet muncher?"

"You know for someone so eloquent, you have this knack for boiling everything down into something crude," he admonished.

"Well, if the fuck-me pump fits," he pointed out. "Seriously, do you think Cynthia likes pussy and cock?"

"I don't know, Brian," he said, exasperated. "I just think that you don't know your assistant as well as you might think."

"Hmph," the older man said. It was true that he hadn't made much of an effort to get to know things about Cynthia. But he knew when her birthday was and made a point to reward her when she did things right or beyond the call of duty.

"Brian, what exactly did you mean when you said no holds barred?"

"Exactly that. No holes barred."

Justin stared at him. The slight word correction wasn't lost on him. He'd noticed it both times Brian had clarified it. "Okay, I know you don't like pussy, so why would you even entertain the thought of doing something like that?"

Brian's eyes slowly slid open, focusing on Justin's face. "Because the girls have fantasized about me fucking them. And I'm not one to step on anyone's fantasy, Sunshine. Besides, a hole is a hole."

Justin scrunched up his face and Brian laughed. "You know, you look like a Cabbage Patch doll."

"Fuck you, Brian," Justin said, but the words carried no heat.

Turning more serious, he said, "It's not a big deal to make someone's fantasy come true. Besides, there are few things I haven't or will not do."

"Except water sports."

This time it was Brian who grimaced. "Well, neither one of us wants to do that," he reminded his young partner. "Are you telling me you've never thought about it?"

"I fucked Daphne once," Justin reminded him. "And she left her bra on and the lights on."

Brian stifled a laugh. "Did you want to fuck her ass?"

"Brian!"

"Well?"

"The thought occurred to me but she was terrified as it was and I wasn't about to suggest something that wasn't vanilla to her. Besides, I didn't really like the fact that I was doing it to begin with."

"How did it feel?"

He looked at Brian and realized the man was serious. "Like I was fucking a bath sponge. All wet and squishy."

This time Brian couldn't help laughing at Justin's description. Justin glared at him. "So how did it feel when you were fucking Lindsay?"

"Tight and warm," he admitted. He didn't exactly like discussing his prior sexual relationship with Lindsay but he'd opened the door.

Studying Brian, Justin said, "Go on."

"I can't believe we're talking about my fucking Lindsay," he said, moving into a sitting position. He sighed. "Squishy is a pretty apt description. Needless to say I wasn't prepared to have her gush on me as she came."

"Did you fuck her ass?"

Brian's eyes narrowed. "You know she'd be really pissed if she knew I was telling you this. It's not exactly something she's proud of."

I guess not, Justin thought. I mean, you all but turned her into a muff diver. He knew enough not to throw that last thought back at Brian. "Well?"

"Yes," he ground out, face flushed. "I fucked Lindsay's ass. Once. She told me never again."

They looked at each other. "So what do you think will happen when the girls see us fucking each other?"

Brian stared at him. "I guess I didn't think this whole thing through."

"No shit, Sherlock." Justin had. He'd had time to think about it. "You know, if the girls have any fantasies whatsoever about being a lesbian they're going to end up experimenting with each other."

"Well, I guess we'll just have to make two tapes and edit out the lesbian stuff for our copy."

"You're kind of getting into this, aren't you?"

Brian nodded. "Come on, Sunshine. Doesn't it make you just a little bit hot thinking about performing for two such lovely ladies, knowing that you're providing a visual image for their most private fantasy?"

"In a way," he grudgingly admitted. "I admit I thought about it."

"So this isn't something you and the fiddler did?"

Justin glared at him. "No, we did not."

"So you said Daph and her new boyfriend were getting ready to fuck on your couch?"

Justin nodded, wondering what Brian's sudden interest was. Then Brian said, "So was he hung?"

"I didn't really notice, Brian."

Brian noticed the cold quality to Justin's voice and knew immediately the teen was lying. "Bullshit. So was he hung?"

"Yes," he admitted, feeling a bit guilty.

"It's not a crime that you noticed, Sunshine. So how do you think he'll feel about Daphne's little venture into the world of homosexual sex?"

"I don't know." But he had wondered just how Curtis would respond.

"I guess you should talk to him and feel him out," Brian suggested.

"Are you suggesting that I proposition him myself, Brian? Daphne'd kill me and besides she's already had two boyfriends who ended up preferring cock. I don't want to be responsible for turning a third."

Brian grinned. "And how many supposedly straight men have I fucked?"

"I don't know. Do you?" he asked, thinking of that first year when Brian had fucked the guy after the pitch.

Point taken, Brian thought. He shook his head. "You know I think we've talked enough for the time being. My poor little cock is ready for some more attention."

"Your cock is not poor, and it is certainly not little," Justin said, primly.

"I know that," he said smugly. "And you like that about me."

He nodded. "You up for round two?"

"Baby, I'm always up for round two. And three. And four," he said, leering at Justin.

"You're insatiable, Brian."

"So are you, Sunshine. So are you."

The boys looked at each other, matching grins on their faces. Both looking like cats about to devour fresh cream. Since Brian was always up for it, Justin smiled, moving closer to him. "We need to rest for a little while," he pointed out.

"Okay," Justin agreed, his head resting on Brian's shoulder.

As he slid into sleep, he couldn't help imagining the sweet torment he was sure his lover would devise for him. Ah how sweet it is, he thought. It was tantalizing to think of Brian at his mercy, under his control. As for Brian, Brian was thinking about just how hot his blond could make things. So he followed Justin into sleep.

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