Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 9

Once dinner was over and Gus' head was bobbing, Brian looked at Lindsay, saying, "If you want to put him in our bed, you can."

The look of utter shock on Lindsay's face was not feigned. "You're kidding, right?" Utter horror rang through her cool patrician voice.

Justin watched Brian. Three, two, one… Then it happened. Brian exploded. "We need to talk. It's our fucking bed and, for your information, I would not put my son in a bed where I've just fucked someone. The sheets are clean, goddammit. Why the hell does everyone have such low opinions of me? Do you really think I'd put my son in a bed with a puddle of jizz that he could roll into? That I wouldn't change the sheets?"

"Keep your voice down," Lindsay said, glancing quickly at her son who'd fallen asleep with his head on Daphne's lap. "You'll wake the baby. God, Brian, do you have to be so crude?"

"Lindsay, he's not a baby. He's three, he'll be four in eight months. And it's not as if he hasn't heard you and Melanie fighting before. I'm sick and tired of you assuming that I don't know how to parent my own child."

"He's our child," Lindsay reminded him. "Mine and Melanie's."

Brian's body went taut. And he clamped down forcibly on his initial reaction. Had the woman forgotten what he'd done for her? What he'd almost given up when he was little more than Justin's age? Maybe it's time I reminded her, he thought viciously. "But Sabrina wasn't yours and Melanie's. She was ours." So much for tact, he thought, wishing instantly that he could take back the words.

Justin had stood to join Brian, to provide a united front, but at the man's words he stopped dead in his tracks. Who the fuck was Sabrina? And why did Lindsay look like he'd just struck her? Seemed the gloves were off. Daphne met Justin's eyes and she said, softly, "I'll put the baby in bed." Her eyes were wide but she knew better than to ask questions. This was between the three of them.

"You bastard. You fucking asshole," Lindsay hissed, tears standing in her eyes.

"Yes, that's right," Brian said, sarcasm dripping from his voice. "I'm always the bad guy, always the one everyone blames for all the fuck-ups that happen. I'm the bad guy even when I get left. I'm the bad guy for not signing over my parental rights." Then his voice leveled out and it was deadly quiet when he said, "And I'm the bad guy for getting cancer."

"Fuck---," Lindsay started, then her face went white. "What-what did you say?"

"I said I have cancer. Lindsay, I have cancer."

Lindsay reached for something to brace herself on and Justin had to restrain himself from going to her side. This was not something he wanted to support her on. "You're telling me you have cancer?"

"Yes," Brian said. His eyes were dead, a slate that conveyed no emotion. Full-blown emotional shutdown. "I have testicular cancer. I'm in radiation. I didn't go to Ibiza. I was in Baltimore at Johns Hopkins."

"And you tell me this on the anniversary of our daughter's death?" Lindsay said, feeling cold and alone. "You tell me this when our son is asleep in the next room. God damn you, Brian. This isn't fucking fair."

He laughed, a hollow sound that chilled Justin. But Justin knew better than to approach his lover. And Brian had had a daughter? "Fair," Brian snorted. "You want to talk to me about fair? I'm the one who lost a ball. I'm the one who can't make love to my lover, to my partner. I've had visits from Claire today. Even the fucking fiddler showed up. And you are sitting here talking about fair. Lindsay, darling, none of this is fair. And I didn't think that you were the only one allowed to mourn her death. You're not the only one who lost a child."

Lindsay was still pale. "Justin," she said. But her entreaty fell on deaf ears. Justin had gone to stand beside Brian, standing so close that a letter opener wouldn't fit between them. But they didn't have to touch one another to feel connected.

"He didn't know, Lindz. All the skeletons are out of the closet now," he said.

She looked at him. She'd been there for the pain and happiness and she'd loved him. Hell, she still loved him. Brian would always have a part of her heart and Gus was a tangible piece of their connection. Not all of the skeletons, she thought bitterly. Not nearly all. You still have ghosts that ramble around, Brian. Tears ran down her face now, streaking her makeup. Daphne looked on thinking she'd stumbled into some nightmare episode of the Jerry Springer show. "How long have you known?" Lindsay clung to calm, dashing away the tears that continued to fall.

"About a month."

"How'd you find out? Was Justin going down on you?" Even Lindsay could be vicious.

Justin tensed and Brian laid a hand on his arm. Ease down, kiddo, he seemed to be saying. "No. I went to the backroom the night we found out about Vic. The guy sucking my cock was also a doctor. He informed me after I'd shot in his mouth that I had a lump in my ball, that I should get it checked out." Brian remembered standing in the backroom, feeling pain even as the guy had worked his dick, but needing the release. He'd needed the mindless release and knew that he didn't want to use Justin that way, as a simple receptacle.

"I always thought it'd be---"Lindsay began but couldn't finish as she met Brian's eyes. She hated herself for what she'd been about to say. Then, "You went to the backroom the night Vic died? Jesus Christ, Brian."

"AIDS? You know, Lindz, dykes can get AIDS too. It's not just us fags. A dental dam isn't 100% effective. You should know. You were lucky you didn't get anything after your little ménage a trois with Leda. And I'm not a fucking saint."

Justin's eyes went wide at that. Leda? He thought. Melanie's ex? Wow, this was interesting.

Lindsay looked at Justin. "And you are still with him?"

"Lindz, I love him. I understand him. And what Brian did was pain management. And a bet," he said, meeting Brian's eyes. "He opted to tell you after the surgery when he knew his chances."

"He should have told me. I'm the mother of his son."

"A fact you only trot out when it's convenient or you want something from him. Brian's right, Lindsay. You hold that over his head like an anvil. Have you forgotten all the things he's done for you, including posing as your husband so Gus could get into a good school? Signing over his parental rights so you wouldn't marry that French guy? Giving you money for things like day care even when he was down to his last grand."

"No, but---"

"But nothing," Justin said. "Everyone in our little circle seems to put conditions on their love for Brian. I don't."

"Yet you left."

"Yeah, I left. It was the biggest mistake of my life. Leaving Brian was stupid, a lapse of judgment. But I came back because I know what I have in Brian."

He turned to Brian. His words were soft. "Are you going to tell me about Sabrina?"

Fuck me, Brian thought, suddenly tired to his marrow. He so didn't want to deal with this. But he'd had a drama queen moment and blurted out a secret that he had kept buried for over a decade. He met Lindsay's eyes and she shrugged. "Lindz?" Brian made her name into a question. He knew he'd hurt her and, at the moment he was too tired to care, to soothe hurt feelings.

"Brian, you opened Pandora's Box." Lindsay said, resigned to opening herself up to the hurt. She turned to look at Justin, realizing that she'd underestimated the young blond's loyalty to Brian. "Justin, Melanie doesn't know about this."

And Justin understood perfectly in that moment. It was true what Melanie said. There was a part of Lindsay's heart that would always belong to Brian. What did it say about Lindsay and Melanie's marriage that she'd kept this from her wife? he wondered. Relationships just didn't survive secrets like this.

"Brian."

Brian met Justin's eyes. He saw no judgment in them or sympathy just simple unadorned love. And at that moment that was what he needed. He took a deep breath and then realized that it wasn't just the three of them. He looked at Daphne who still looked as if she'd just tumbled into a war zone and smiled faintly. "Daphne, honey, if you don't want to stay that's OK. I'm sorry about this."

She could only nod. Brian, a father before Gus? Wow. "I'm OK, unless you want me to leave." She understood that this was a private moment for all of them.

Brian shook his head. "You can stay. Feel free to keep an eye on Gus." Then he met Lindsay's eyes and said, "I think we should sit. Justin, can you get me the bottle of Jim Beam? Lindsay, are you sure you don't want anything to drink?"

The blonde's eyes were cold as she appraised the father of her son and late daughter. Sometimes she truly hated him for being so calculating. But she knew the death of their child had hit him hard and that was a primary motive for his agreement to donate sperm for her and Melanie. It hadn't just been the E and coke talking when he'd agreed. He'd done it because he loved her. She looked at Justin. "Double Absolut on the rocks."

Justin was a bit surprised. But Lindsay shrugged and Brian simply nodded. When everyone had their drinks and Daphne had checked on Gus to make sure he was still asleep, Brian said, "Okay, everyone comfortable?"

Lindsay rolled her eyes. Daphne held tight to her second bottle of beer and knew that this night was bound to get worse before it got better. Justin sat close to Brian, the bottle of Jim Beam between them. Liquid courage, he thought, unknowingly echoing Brian's own thoughts. Looks like rain, Brian thought.

"Well, this is what happened," Brian's voice was soft as he began. And Justin was reminded of thousands of years of Celtic bards like Taliesin telling stories around peat fires. And with those simple words they were thrown back into Lindsay and Brian's past.

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