Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 7

When Brian awoke an hour later, groggy and still feeling vaguely horny, he knew almost immediately that he was alone. He padded barefoot into the kitchen and found the note on the kitchen counter.

B,

Gone to Daphne's for a while. Thought we'd watch Velvet Goldmine.

I know how much you love Ewan. Rode the bus. Be back soon.

J

Brian smiled. He walked over to his desk, figuring he'd get some work done as he'd done nothing that day that could remotely construe anything lucrative. He sifted through some papers, then realized the insurance policy was on top. In all the confusion between leaving the grocery store early and the confrontation with Claire he'd forgotten about it. He figured Justin would have some questions about some of the legal terminology. As he flipped through it, he was startled to see Justin's initials and signature in all the necessary places. This had to be a big deal for him, Brian realized. Most twenty-year-olds didn't have to deal with a life insurance policy. And I was a fucking asshole for most of the day. A smile crossed his face as he remembered Justin's strip tease. Not many things were hotter than his blond. His reflections were cut short by the phone ringing.

"Kinney," he snapped before realizing how abrupt he sounded. Taking it down a notch, he said, "Hello." He rooted around on the desk, finally finding a crumpled pack of cigarettes. He'd cut down on smoking. Testicular cancer was one thing but he didn't want to compound it with lung or mouth cancer. There were so many things to do with your mouth and having it rot wasn't on Brian's agenda. But it was one of the few vices he still held on to.

He was somewhat relieved to find it was Lindsay and not Michael. He'd have been even happier if it were Justin telling him he was coming home. He needed to talk to the blond.

"Hey, Lindz. What's up?"

Cutting right to the chase, the blonde said, "Why are you at home, Bri? What's wrong?" She'd called the office and had been surprised when Cynthia had informed her that he hadn't been in all day. That had sent danger warnings up around her and, since they were busy at the gallery setting up for the Sam Auerbach showing, she couldn't pay a visit to the loft. So she'd done the next best thing: called him at home.

Brian heaved an inward sigh. At times, he wished Lindsay couldn't read him quite so well. But her intuitive knowledge of him had made her a good friend on more than one occasion. There was only so much of his bullshit she was willing to buy. "Can't a guy take a day off?"

Lindsay took a seat at her desk and rolled her eyes upward. Always with the charm. "Of course, but you've been back from Ibiza less than a month. What's up, Brian?" It wasn't like him to take a personal day off when he worked with Ryder or with Vance. It was even less in character now that he owned his own business.

He started to snap back at her, then it suddenly hit him that she still thought he'd gone to Ibiza. He remembered their conversation from the day before and knew that this conversation wasn't going to wait until the weekend. Lindsay would keep pressing him. "Why don't you and Gus come by after work? You guys can have dinner here and I can see Sonny Boy." With the cancer and the changing landscape of his relationship with Justin, Brian had come to the realization that he wanted to be more than a drop-in dad to Gus. He'd never forgotten Michael's accusation that he wanted to be a better dad than Brian. That had hurt. It had hurt even more coming from his best friend.

"What about Mel?"

Brian bit the inside of his cheek to keep from a snarky comment. He'd deal with Melanie later. Lindsay deserved to hear the news from him alone and quite frankly he wasn't up to facing the petite brunette. If he knew Melanie, she'd take his other ball. As if this diagnosis was his fault. "Just us, Lindz."

"Brian," she whined. It was a most unattractive sound.

He winced. When the blonde did that, he found himself giving in and doing things he wouldn't ordinarily do, like agree to be a sperm donor for her and her partner. It still boggled his mind that he, Brian Kinney, was a dad and turning out to be a fairly decent one to everyone's surprise including his own. "Lindsay, we'll talk tonight. Please."

On the other end of the line, Lindsay was glad she was sitting down. Her jaw dropped. Brian Kinney saying, "please." Regaining her power of speech, she said, trying to dismiss the knot of dread she felt, "Okay, Bri. We'll be there between six and six-thirty. You want me to bring anything?"

She'd experienced Brian's culinary attempts back in college. She still remembered the time he'd tried to fix chicken piccata. She shuddered. No, it was best that Brian limit his time in the kitchen. His skills were in other areas. She blushed, glad she was in the privacy of her own office.

"Couple of Greek salads. Justin's at Daphne's so I'll just order him a pizza."

She smiled. Brian Kinney domesticated. Who'd have thought? She'd never seen him so happy as he was when he was with Justin. It was patently obvious that Brian loved him. She watched the two with a lingering trace of bitterness and hurt. There was once a time when she'd thought she and Brian would end up with the dream. Then her world had been shattered when Brian admitted he preferred fucking guys and then informed her that she was a dyke. She'd never really forgiven him for that though she loved Melanie with all her heart. At least, she thought she did. Lately she wasn't so sure. It wasn't just because her wife was pregnant with Michael's kid, though that added to the strain. And she wished she could talk to Brian about her conflicting emotions. He was still her best friend.

"Lindz," Brian's voice cut into her thoughts.

"Yeah," she said, coming back to the present.

"You can explain to your bitter half that you're spending time with me and Justin. Hopefully she won't get too pissed."

"I wish you two would try to get along." Lindsay said. It was a familiar complaint. She'd been trying to get the two of them to be in the same room for nearly ten years without ripping each other to shreds. It hadn't worked yet.

"Not a chance in hell. I'll see you later."

After Brian hung up, Lindsay sat at her desk looking at the pictures she'd framed. One was of her, Melanie, and Gus. The other was one Justin had taken more recently of Brian with Gus. The resemblance was marked. Lindsay often wondered if her insistence that Brian be the father had to do with genetics or the fact that Gus would forever link her with Brian. She didn't like that thought. It certainly upset her to think that Gus's entire existence might be predicated upon a lie. So she picked up the phone and dialed her wife to let her know that she and Gus were spending some time with the toddler's daddy. Melanie was bound to be unhappy, but such was life. Lindsay was tired of doing everything she could to make Melanie happy and failing. Sometimes love wasn't enough even in Muncher Villa.

Meanwhile, at Justin and Daphne's apartment….

The two were sharing a pint of coffee ice cream, Daphne getting the lion's share cause it was her favorite, and Justin, well, he liked any kind of ice cream. He couldn't help thinking it would be even better if he were eating it with Brian.

"Just, you okay?" Daphne asked. She'd sat listening to Justin recount the day's events, culminating with his solo masturbatory experience in the shower. She'd long since accepted the fact that Justin and Brian's sex life should be held up under a microscope and examined. Straight people should be so lucky.

"I'm fine. Just a little worried about Brian. You know, he's never been open. But today, seeing him with Claire, I think I understand why. It must have been sheer hell growing up in that household."

"Well, he turned out okay. I mean Brian's wildly successful, owns his own business, owns the loft outright, drives a hot car, and has you."

"So why am I not enough? Why doesn't he believe I love him, Daph?"

She put her spoon back in the nearly empty ice cream container and studied her best friend. She'd often wondered what would have happened between her and Justin if he hadn't been gay. But they'd tried that once and it was weirdness all over. "You ran the first time things got rocky. When he wouldn't tell you what you wanted to hear, you ran to the first guy who would. I've seen you and Brian together, J. He loves you."

"So why won't he just say it? Is it so fucking difficult?"

Daphne sighed. She couldn't help but wish that Justin remembered the night of the prom. Her exposure to Brian had been limited at the time: Justin giving the tour of the "fuck pad" and her jaunt to Woody's to tell him that Justin had fled to New York. But she'd known as Brian walked into the prom that night that all of his defenses were down, that the real Brian was laid bare and open for all to see. Then she'd seen him in the parking lot, absolutely devastated, and she'd known with every fiber of her being that Brian Kinney loved her best friend. And in that moment, her crush on the older man, had turned into a deep abiding respect tinged with feelings of love for him.

"Justin, he loves you. He can't say it because he's scared you'll leave him again. Do you think it was easy for him to let you in again after what you pulled with Ethan?"

"Daph, I know you didn't like Ethan. But---" Justin started, retrieving the ice cream container from his friend.

"No, Justin, I despised Ethan. I knew he wasn't good enough for you and I knew that you weren't over Brian. Hell, I don't think you'll ever have Brian out of your system. But he needs you now. He needs you to stick and weather the storms. Every single person who he has expected to love him has ended up hurting him. From his parents to Michael to you. It's no wonder that his shields are up. Every time he lets someone in, he gets hurt. So he erects shields that are stronger and wider."

Justin narrowed his eyes at his friend. When did she gain all this insight into Brian? "Okay, Ms. Freud. What do you suggest I do?"

"Don't smother him. Just let him know that you're a soft place to land and that you'll be there to catch him."

"What if he doesn't believe me?"

"You make him believe you."

"I don't exactly have a handful of fairy dust I can sprinkle on us, Daph," he reminded her sarcastically.

Then it occurred to him what he'd said and he blushed. Daphne laughed at his expression. Before she could say anything, his cell phone rang. "Probably His Big and Badness," she said. She'd dubbed Brian that years before though she'd be reluctant to ever say it to his face. Although, knowing Brian he'd probably like it. Comments that would be insulting to mere humans were compliments to Brian. Go figure. Just another reason the man was such an enigma.

"Hello," he said.

Then, he mouthed Brian to her. She nodded, sensing he wanted to be left alone to talk to him. She left him alone in the living room with the container of coffee ice cream, deciding that she should really study the molecular chemistry of atoms though that had about as much appeal to her as a tooth canal. She was much more interested in the love life of her best friend. It was then that she realized that she really needed to get out more cause her last boyfriend had been a total asshole. It hadn't helped that she'd found him fucking his roommate. Yeah, a guy roommate. Why was it all the cool, gorgeous men in her life weren't straight?

"Hey," Justin's voice got softer.

Brian had sat down on the pile of pillows in the living room with a pile of papers strewn out in a barely discernible order. "You coming home anytime soon?"

"Yeah. What's up?"

"Lindz and Sonny Boy are coming for dinner. You eaten yet?"

"No," Justin said, conveniently forgetting the pint of ice cream he'd just wolfed down. There weren't going to be too many years when he'd still be able to rationalize the amount of calories he consumed. "You need me to pick anything up?"

"Thought I'd order you a pizza and Lindz and I would have a couple of Greek salads." Brian took a deep breath as he couldn't believe what he was about to suggest. "Is my favorite girl busy tonight?"

Huh? Brian inquiring about Daphne wasn't exactly new. She was one of his favorite people, but it still took Justin aback. "No, I think she was going to curl up with the new Garrison Keillor book for her Lit class."

"You think she'd mind hanging out with us tonight?" Fuck me, I must be going soft in my old age, he thought. But it would also be a buffer. And something told him he was going to need that degree of separation.

Justin looked at the cell phone, rendered speechless for a moment. Where is Brian Kinney and what have you done with him? "No," he said, cautiously.

"Oh, don't act so surprised. I saw the note and I know how much Daph loves that scene in Velvet Goldmine when Ewan's singing on stage and out comes his dick."

Justin couldn't help but laugh. Trust Brian to restore levity to the situation. "You like that scene too. Though I think you prefer him in The Pillow Book," he teased. Returning to the topic at hand, he said, "Yeah, I don't think she'll mind. In fact, I think we've still got a stash of pot here and a thing of popcorn."

"Good, bring her. And, Sonny Boy, thanks." Brian said, clicking off the phone. He looked around the loft at the careful disarray and then remembered with a groan the shattered vodka bottle. It just wouldn't do for Lindsay and Gus to arrive at the loft and that still be untended. Besides, Gus hated wearing shoes inside nearly as much as his daddy did. And the toddler would make a beeline towards the new plasma television that had been one of the first purchases he'd made after Kinnetik began making money.

Justin stared at the phone and then stood. He made his way to Daphne's door and knocked. "Come in," she said.

He opened the door to find her reclining on the bed with a molecular chemistry textbook opened in front of her and a highlighter in her mouth. "Well, don't you look studious."

"Fuck you, Taylor," she said, laughing as she pelted him with another highlighter. Then, "What's up?"

"Brian said Lindz and Gus are dropping by for dinner tonight. He and I were going to have a movie night. I think he's going to drop the bomb on her tonight."

"What about Melanie?" Daphne asked, without guile.

"I think Brian wants to tell Lindz alone before he deals with Melanie." Justin grimaced. He could just imagine Lindsay's wife's reaction to Brian's news. "Anyway, he wanted me to invite you to movie night. And, I think you should bring a pillow."

"All night at God's Gift to Gay PA's loft? My, what will his boyfriend think?" Daphne teased.

"That you're very lucky, Daphne Elizabeth Chanders. Besides, it's been a while since you've seen Gus."

She nodded. That was true and she did adore Brian's son. She feared he would be quite the little heartbreaker when he hit his teenage years, gay or straight. She put the textbook back on her night stand and studied Justin. He looked tired, she noted. "Just, you okay?"

"I'm fine. It's just been a long day. What with Ethan and Claire."

Daphne smiled though it didn't quite reach her eyes. "What do you think he wanted?"

"I don't know." But I'm going to find out. Like his lover, Justin knew that Ethan wouldn't have come by the loft like he had unless it was important. Dismissing thoughts of his troublesome ex from his mind, Justin said, "Let's go. I told Brian we'd bring popcorn."

"I thought he didn't eat carbs after seven," she reminded him.

"I don't think Brian's in any position to complain about carbs. I think he just doesn't want to be alone tonight. Telling Lindsay about this is going to be difficult for him."

Justin had no idea how right he was. Brian was going to need him tonight and, for that matter, he would need Daphne.

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