Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 5

Brian slid the loft door open to reveal two people coming off the elevator. It was obvious from the tension radiating from him that something was wrong. Justin had turned to return to the bedroom but stopped short when he heard Brian's snarled, "What the fuck are you two doing here?"

The two idiots from the Gay & Lesbian center would have been greeted with more grace, Justin thought, as he rejoined Brian. There could not have been two people less likely to be together. Justin's eyes fell upon his ex-lover, Ethan Gold, and then on Claire. Oh shit. This is beyond not good. Way beyond not good. My ex and Brian's cunt sister.

It was his ex who spoke first, looking as if he'd just entered the gates of Hell, ready to be consumed by flames. "Justin, I just---"

"Hello, Brian." Claire's voice was arctic.

In typical Kinney fashion, Brian stepped aside, resigned to having two people he loathed in the loft. Justin glanced at Brian and knew it wouldn't take much to push him over the edge. "Claire," Brian's voice was equally icy. What's next, he wondered? A visit from Chris Hobbs or Craig Taylor. He was beginning to feel like shit again. "Ian," his voice could have chilled a martini.

"Ethan. My name is Ethan," the musician spoke quietly. He was actually quite proud of himself, that his voice didn't quake. Brian Kinney intimidated the hell out of him. And it wasn't just because he had Justin.

Justin braced himself for the explosion but Brian said only, "I'm aware of what your fucking name is. Do I need to remind you that you're in my home, Paganini?"

It was then that Claire jumped in. "You must excuse my younger brother. He's usually not so rude."

No, Justin thought. He was actually quite proud of Brian. He'd expected Brian to bodily eject Ethan from the loft. But this was Brian trying to maintain control of a situation that was likely to turn real ugly real fast. Brian's eyes were glowing like agates, proof positive of his rage. Brian's eyes shifted a degree in color when he was angry or aroused. Justin knew he was beyond pissed.

Unsure of how to diffuse the situation but knowing it needed to be done before blood was shed, Justin spoke quietly to his ex-lover, "Why don't we get a cup of coffee, Ethan?"

Before Ethan had the opportunity to answer, Brian said, "No, stay. We're all just one big happy fucking family." Then in an arid voice, "Claire, what the fuck do you want? I haven't been near your demon spawn in nearly a year. Is Mom in rehab?" Hey, a guy can hope.

Claire looked at her younger brother, wondering when he'd grown so cold and unfeeling. But she knew she bore some responsibility for their dysfunctional relationship. She'd been around when Jack Kinney decided to light into his son for some perceived slight, real or imagined. "Brian, I didn't come here to fight or for money."

"Uh huh," Brian said. It was clear he didn't believe that. He turned to Ethan. "So why the fuck are you here?"

"I came to talk to Justin. Not you."

Brian was amazed that Ethan had the balls to stand up to him. "So talk. What's stopping you?"

"You, Kinney."

Justin closed his eyes. Ethan, what the fuck are you doing? Brian could bend you in two. But he was startled to hear Brian laugh. "I knew he'd come crawling back to you. That you wanted him back."

"There was no crawling involved. Just no violin music," Brian said. He exchanged glances with Justin. "Isn't it that you weren't what he wanted? You did cheat on him, correct?"

Ethan flinched but recovered quickly enough. "You're just a fabulous fuck. But you'll never give Justin what he really needs."

"Stop," Justin hissed. This was like watching a train wreck. He knew that this was going to be bad and that his partner had forgotten his sister was there.

"What's that? Fucking him until he screams my name? Rimming him until he's incoherent, wanting my tongue to fuck his ass? Falling asleep with me still inside him. Did you get that, Paganini? Did he do that for you? Did he want you to fuck him raw?"

Justin struggled to control his breathing. Brian, what the fuck are you doing?

"I never fucked him, Brian." Ethan's words were quiet. "He always fucked me. And you were always in his dreams. Those times I woke up and the sheets were damp, it was you he was thinking of. I knew that. I knew that when he jacked off it was you he was thinking about. I had him for a short period of time. You had his heart."

"You should go, Ethan," Justin said. This wasn't what he wanted Brian to know.

Ethan started to protest but Justin said only, "You need to go, Ethan. I'll talk to you later."

Brian turned to him and said, "You never let him fuck you, Sunshine?"

Justin shook his head, forgetting Claire was still in the room. "You're the only person I bottom for, Brian. With everyone else I'm a top."

"So your ass really is mine, Sunshine?"

At that, Claire coughed and Justin watched the door close behind Ethan. Brian turned to his sister. "What are you doing here, Claire?"

Recognizing that Brian was at the end of his patience, Claire asked, "Why were you at the oncology center two days ago? Are you sick?"

Justin's eyes snapped to Brian, whose face was darkening. Claire's eyes narrowed, a look that reminded Justin of their mother. "This is a private conversation," she spat. "Between family."

Justin smiled sadly. He had claws too and he had no problem extending them when it came to protecting and defending Brian. "Some family you are. Accusing him of molesting his own nephew. You really are a cunt."

"Brian," she protested.

He put his hands up, as if to say that this was out of his hands. Claire hissed, "Who the fuck are you?" Brian bit back a smile. It was nice seeing someone else stand up to Claire for a change. Justin was holding his own. "My brother's latest trick?" She turned to Brian. "I thought you tossed them out of bed the moment you were done."

"Yes, well this one came up one night and has never gone away. What're you going to do?" Brian said. He was actually enjoying this. Justin smiled at him, taking a moment to wonder just how much Claire actually knew about Brian's life.

"No, I'm the guy he fucks more than once," Justin said, realizing he was using his own words to respond to Claire. "I'm not a trick."

"You're kind of young, aren't you?"

"Fuck you, Claire. I'm not a pederast." Brian said, angrily.

"How old are you?" she asked curiously.

"Twenty-one. I was seventeen when I met Brian."

"Jesus Christ, Brian. Seventeen? Don't you have any decency?"

"Fuck you, Claire. Seventeen is legal in Pennsylvania."

"So you're what, a fuck buddy?"

Brian had had enough of his sister. His tone turned menacing, "He's my partner, Claire. Don't ever fucking speak to him like that again."

"Brian----" She started. "I thought you didn't believe in commitment. Especially after seeing Mom and Daddy's marriage."

"Claire, why are you here?" he repeated, growing tired of the same old refrain. "I don't believe in commitment or marriage but I do believe in me and Justin. It's the only real thing in my life. It's really none of your fucking business why I was there."

God, he really is sick, she thought. Daddy thought it'd be AIDS. "What kind? Lung or liver?" Like him or not, he was still her younger brother. Still blood. That meant something and she did feel bad for believing the worst about him.

Brian looked at Justin, then reached for his hand, gaining a small measure of strength from the small gesture. He still felt it was none of her business but he knew Claire. Claire would keep digging and then she'd bring his mother into it. This really was none of that ice cold bitch's business. He sighed deeply before answering, "Testicular." Paused to let that sink in before adding, "They removed one of my balls, Claire. Happy now?"

She'd gone white. "Brian, I'm---"

"What, Claire? Sorry? I thought you'd see it as justice." Brian's fingers laced with Justin's. "That I deserve this for fucking guys."

"Brian, no. You're my brother. I love you."

"You have a funny way of showing it," Justin interjected. He really despised this woman.

Claire focused her attention on him and then recognition dawned. "You're the young man who came to my house with that cop to get Brian's bracelet back."

"Ding ding ding. Give the lady a prize."

Brian bit back a smile. Justin really had picked up on some of his mannerisms and attitudes. "You two weren't together then, were you?"

"No," Justin replied reluctantly. He'd often wondered how differently things would have turned out if he'd simply stayed when he returned the bracelet. He'd looked into Brian's eyes and if he'd said word one he'd have stayed, Ethan be damned. But of course Brian hadn't and he'd been forced to find his way back to Brian on his own.

"So why'd you care?"

Justin looked at Claire, measuring her up. "Because I love him. No matter what shit we're going through, I love him. I have faith in him and I trust him. Can you say the same?"

Brian snorted. "You love me?" He looked directly at Claire, fingers tightening on Justin's. "That's a fucking joke. You believed I molested your son. You never even asked me. I found the little shit stealing money out of my wallet. You worshipped a man who beat the shit out of me for simply breathing. Where the hell were you when he laid my ass raw with a cat o'nine tails with metal tipped ends? A fucking cat, Claire. I couldn't sit down for a week and he called me a sissy boy. I'm lucky I didn't scar. So don't tell me you love me. I'll never ever believe it. Where were you when I had to get him inside when he was so drunk he'd passed out on the front stoop? Where were you when I had to get him inside without waking him up because I knew if he woke up, he'd beat the shit out of me? Where the hell were you when he came to me needing money when he was short and had drunk half his paycheck? I've been here for this fucking family. I gave money to Pop when it was so lean I didn't know how I was going to pay the monthly maintenance fee on the loft. I was there for you when you needed to get that lump removed from your breast. I gave you the money when you had to get the hysterectomy because of an ovarian cyst the size of a grapefruit. I paid for Pop's burial. I know the importance of blood, Claire Colleen. Do you?" he asked. "How the hell did you even know I was visiting the oncology center?" he finally exploded.

Justin heard the words and it sank in a little deeper just how raw Brian was, how the strength covered up the fragility and insecurity of a young boy who had received no love from his family. But he knew Brian would be furious if he sensed pity or compassion.

"I saw the Corvette there twice last week." She said, quietly. She was still reeling from the shock of hearing her brother air the family laundry in front of a near stranger.

"So you decided to ask some questions. Why Claire, a person might think you actually give a shit about what happens to me." The words were meant to wound and she flinched, letting Brian know he'd hit his target.

"I do care about you. You're still my baby brother."

"No, I'm not. Claire, I'm a man who remembers things just a little clearer than you. You want my money, Claire. You won't get it. Not one red fucking cent." Brian finished the last with a cough and a tired sigh. He was exhausted. He hated dealing with family. Especially his.

Claire was quietly sobbing and Justin glanced at Brian. The mask was firmly back in place, the man's face devoid of expression. "You need to go, Claire," he said quietly.

She turned to look at Brian then nodded mutely. She rose, unsteady as a drunk. It was a tense moment before Brian spoke, "Oh, Claire. Do not tell Mom. She does not need to know."

Justin followed Claire to the door, sliding it open for her. He was surprised when she chose to speak to him. "You love him, don't you?"

"Yes, I love him. I've loved him since the moment I saw him."

"It hasn't been easy for you two, has it?" It was less a question than a statement of fact.

"No, but nothing between Brian and me has ever been easy. But all relationships take work."

"Justin, right?" she asked. He nodded. "I knew you loved him when you came to my house with that cop. Take care of him. He's still my baby brother even if he hates me. He needs you even if he won't admit it. I'm sorry about some of the things I said."

"I'm used to it. Brian and I are used to people not understanding our relationship. But it's ours."

She nodded, sniffling a bit. But he closed the door behind her. He turned to slowly face Brian. Left alone with the wounded lion at last, he thought. Yippee. This ought to be fun, he thought.

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