Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 4

Brian scooted over on the sofa and Justin perched next to him. God, how the hell did this happen? Brian wondered. He took it as a good sign that he and Justin were talking things through rather than just shutting down or throwing him out. But he still wondered on occasion what the fuck it was that they were doing together.

Before either of them could say anything to ease the harsh words, the phone rang. Justin stood to get it and Brian spoke quietly, "I don't want to talk to anyone." With that, he closed his eyes, a cue that he didn't want to talk anymore. For once, Justin wasn't upset. Brian needed to take better care of himself.

"Hello," he spoke quietly.

"Hey, honey. It's Mom."

Justin suppressed a sigh. "Hi, Mom. What's up?"

He breathed a sigh of relief that it was his mom and not anyone else. Stealing a glance at Brian, he saw it appeared the other man had fallen asleep. Justin smiled, knowing he needed the rest.

"Molly and I were wondering if you and Brian would like to try that new Szechuan place on Congressional. It's supposed to be great."

"Uh, I'll have to ask Brian. He's really busy with Kinnetik. I'm not sure what his schedule's like right now," Justin said, opting for an excuse his mother would not question. "Can I get back to you?"

"Sure, honey. You sure everything's OK?" Jennifer Taylor was nothing if not observant and tenacious; qualities her son seemed to share.

"Yeah, Mom. Everything's fine," Justin said, working hard to keep his voice level. He hadn't told anyone except Daphne about Brian's cancer. He wished he could tell his mother and get her insight, but he kept silent out of respect for Brian.

There was a brief pause and Jennifer wondered at the caution and reticence in her son's voice. It wouldn't be the first time Justin had kept something about Brian from her. But she'd learned not to push. "Justin, I love you. I'll talk to you later."

Justin sighed as he hung up. He returned to the sofa, to see Brian curled up, like a sleeping lion cub. He made his way up the stairs to the bedroom and retrieved the duvet. Returning to Brian's side, he covered him up, saying softly, "I love you, Bri."

It was mid-afternoon when Brian finally stirred, blinking sleepily. He didn't remember falling asleep. He looked down, saw the duvet, and realized Justin must have covered him up. Brian blinked, scanning the room for his young lover. "Justin," he said, a raspy quality to his voice.

He stood, a sudden motion that had him sitting down again, as his stomach protested. Taking a deep cleansing breath, he tried again, this time successfully. Turning towards the bedroom, he started to call Justin's name when he saw him, fast asleep on Brian's side of their bed. Brian smiled. Seemed the blond was exhausted too. So he retrieved the duvet and walked up the stairs to the bedroom, covering Justin up. Looking down at his sleeping lover, Brian couldn't help but feel a sense of pride, that this wonderful young man was his, that Justin loved him.

That week when he'd kicked Justin out had been absolutely miserable for him. He'd nearly cracked several times and the blackness of deep despair had threatened to consume him. If Brian were honest with himself, he'd admit that Justin and Gus were the main reasons he hadn't taken a bottle of sleeping pills or experimented with scarfing again. It had been three years since Brian had last felt that type of black despair.

"I love you, Sunshine," he whispered, smoothing an errant strand of blond hair away from Justin's face. He would say it late at night when he was sure Justin was asleep and he knew there was no danger of Justin hearing him and calling him on it. He didn't know what it meant that he couldn't say the words to a conscious Justin, but they'd moved to the point where Brian figured Justin knew how he felt.

He walked into the bathroom, feeling a sudden urge to brush his teeth. He looked at himself in the mirror, seeing a man of thirty-three and it suddenly occurred to him that Justin and he had been together for nearly four years. That thought gave him pause. "Holy fucking Christ," he said to his reflection. Four years minus the eight months of hell that he never wanted to revisit. Longer than some marriages.

"Brian," Justin's voice was soft and tentative, a question in it.

"In here," Brian said, recapping the toothpaste. He heard Justin untangle himself from the duvet and sheets, then felt him come up beside him. "Hey."

"Hey."

A comfortable silence fell between them as Brian brushed his teeth. "So who called?"

"My mom."

"And, what did Mother Taylor have to say?" Brian inquired. At first, he'd called Jennifer that to annoy her but gradually he'd grown fond of her. Fond enough to actually consider her a mom of sorts. He found amusement and irony, in that.

Justin smiled at his lover. He knew better than anyone just how surprised his mother had been the first time Brian had called her that. They'd come a long way. "She and Molly want us to try that new Szechuan place. I told her you'd have to check your schedule."

Brian paused. "You haven't told her." Surprise was evident in his tone, and a note of something else, something just a bit darker.

Realizing the bathroom was an odd place to have this conversation, Justin suggested, "Why don't we sit?"

Brian waited until he and Justin were situated comfortably on the pillows, before saying, in a voice that wasn't quite accusatory, "You didn't tell your mom, Sunshine."

Sighed. "No. No, I didn't." Brian almost seemed pissed, he reflected.

"So, who have you told?" Brian's voice was arctic.

"Daphne. And Michael." It was unclear to him how he'd fucked up. But it was just as clear that he had. "Brian, what's wrong? Who have you told?"

As Justin watched, Brian pulled the mask back into place, composing his features into an implacable expression. Shit, Justin thought. One step forward, three steps back. He prepared for silence and was shocked when Brian answered, "Ted. And Cynthia."

"Ted? Ted Schmidt?" Justin couldn't have been more surprised. Brian didn't even really like Ted, thought he was a schmuck.

Brian nodded. "Yeah, I freaked out during a couple of staff meetings. Theodore got curious. And Cynthia. Well, Cynthia's a lot like you, Sunshine."

Justin wondered if Brian noticed just how many blondes there were in his life: Lindsay, me, Cynthia, and even Deb was blonde. He cocked his head. Yeah, she's in love with you, Justin thought. On some level, Justin figured Brian knew that and had played upon it at times. "So how did she react?" He redirected his attention.

"She was pissed," Brian admitted frankly. That was putting it mildly. Cynthia had been furious with him, and it had been a shock to see his ballsy assistant lose her icy composure. "Then she just got really quiet, like it had just hit her." Like losing me would be such a great loss, Brian thought.

He looked at Justin. Blue eyes met hazel eyes. It was a moment before Justin spoke. "I didn't tell Mom because I didn't think you'd want me to. Bad enough, I accidentally told Michael. I knew you wouldn't want my mother storming over here armed with homeopathic remedies."

"So your mom wants us to go to dinner with her and Molly?" Brian adroitly avoided the subject of how his condition had been revealed to Michael and the subsequent consequences.

Justin nodded. "Yeah. Are you up for it?" Brian and the fourteen-year-old Molly were quite a fearsome combination. Formidable to say the least.

"I don't know. I haven't even told Lindsay yet and she's the mother of my son. How the hell do I tell your mom?"

Justin would've laughed at the expression on Brian's face were the circumstances not quite so serious. "She likes you, you know. She wouldn't have agreed to be your realtor and invest in Kinnetik if she didn't." They both knew just how much Jennifer Taylor had changed since her divorce from Craig, three years prior. Priorities and values and views had shifted and evolved as had her acceptance of Brian as a part of her son's life.

Brian remembered how shocked he'd been when Jennifer had called to tell him she was investing $5000 dollars in his fledgling company. She'd claimed it was for Justin but he'd known it was the final acceptance of him. That faith in him seemed to be a Taylor family trait. It was too bad his own family didn't extend him such loyalty. But Brian had given up on his own blood long ago, seeking comfort and acceptance in an extended family, and later, in Justin.

"Yeah, I know." And he did. "Maybe the three of us should go to lunch." Brian really didn't want to discuss details of the cancer with Molly present. He liked the little girl but there were some things that children shouldn't know.

Hell has to be freezing over, Justin thought. "Sunshine, your mom deserves to know. It's amazing how the Taylor family's grown on me," he said wryly.

All except for Craig, both men thought. Surprisingly, Justin didn't really miss his dad. Craig had made his choice and, in the long run, it had cost him his son. "So, Mr. Kinney, when do you want to do this?" Justin asked, putting thoughts of his father out of his mind.

"This weekend." Then he thought another moment. "You have any idea how I'm going to break this to Lindz?"

Justin knew even if Brian didn't that, on some deep, hidden level, Lindsay still loved him. That there was a part of Lindsay that would always belong to Brian. Justin figured that was why Melanie had such a problem with Brian. Justin didn't know exactly what had transpired between the two in college but he did know that they had an unbreakable bond, cemented even further by the fact that they shared a child. He shook his head. That was one problem Brian would have to handle on his own.

"You're no help," Brian said, pouting in a way Justin found adorable.

"You'll think of some way. Just don't push her off a cliff," Justin's words were light but rang with truth. Brian glared at him for a moment. Fucker.

"You hungry?" he asked, knowing even as he did so that it was a stupid question. When was Justin not hungry? The kid was lucky he had such a fast metabolism otherwise he'd be as big as a house and Brian Kinney didn't do fat.

"Uh, yeah," Justin said, his response quick. He knew his attempt to make Brian the hot-and-sour soup had been aborted.

"Order what you want. I'm going to call your mom to set up this lunch date." I didn't choke on the "d" word, he thought.

"Bri, what are you going to eat?"

Brian took a moment to wonder when Justin had begun abbreviating his name and why it didn't bother him. Hell, Justin had so many nicknames that it was only fair that Brian have one. Just as long as it wasn't lesbianic in nature that was all Brian asked. "There's some of that chicken soup from last night. I don't think my stomach can handle anything else." Not exactly fine cuisine.

Before Justin could respond, they heard the buzzer for the downstairs intercom sound. They exchanged a glance and Brian shrugged. He wasn't expecting anyone and knew Justin wasn't either. He also knew that Cynthia and Ted would have called if anything major had happened, not just stop by.

Crossing to the intercom, Brian pressed the series of buttons to unlock the downstairs door. He really didn't feel up to facing anyone and had a sinking feeling in his gut that he was going to wish fervently that he'd ignored this particular visitor. However, he was also keenly aware that most of his visitors had an annoying tendency to hang around if they were ignored. There were moments Brian wished that the loft wasn't considered Destination # 1 for every fag in Pittsburgh, listed in the guidebook. He sighed and looked back at Justin who shrugged. "Wonder who the fuck this is," Brian thought as he waited for the elevator to make its way up to the sixth floor.

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