Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 24

When Brian arrived at the office the next morning, Cynthia appeared with a cup of coffee and a tentative expression on her face. Used to his frequent ill temper and mood swings, she knew to tread lightly around her boss. More than that, she'd come to consider him a friend. Noticing his assistant's reticence, Brian knew something was up. "Okay, what's wrong? Remsen pulling his ads?"

"No," she said.

"Drew Boyd giving us shit again about posing?"

She shook her head.

"Don't make me play twenty fucking questions with you, Cynthia. If it's not business, then what is it?"

She sighed and hesitated. Then she met his gaze. "I had a message on voice mail this morning from your mother."

Fuck, he nearly said aloud. Then he did say it aloud causing Cynthia to blanch. Half-amused at her fearful expression, he decided not to torture her. "What did the Ice Queen say?"

"That she wanted to stop by and see the new office. See how her son was doing."

Shit, he thought. Cynthia knew next to nothing about his personal life but she'd met Justin and Claire, on occasion. So he knew that she was aware of how tense things were between himself and his family. That he'd often preferred to not be encumbered with a family. "How did she sound?"

"A little cold but coherent."

Well, that was something, he thought. At least, she didn't call to leave the message when she was drunk. That would be embarrassing and difficult to explain away "Thanks, Cynthia."

"You okay?"

Brian nodded though he was anything but. "Yeah, I'm fine. Put her through if she calls." He hated saying that but he knew that he couldn't really cut her off entirely even though he'd like to. Some small part of him still wished for her acceptance and approval as much as it grated him that he needed those things.

Cynthia nodded and returned to her desk. She buzzed him a few hours later and said, "Do you need me to do anything?"

"Like work? It's why I pay your salary," he sniped, looking over a proposal and crossing out several sections that would have to go back to legal before they were sent to Bridgeton Cosmetics.

Cynthia almost said asshole but caught herself in time. "Your mother's on line 3. Do you want me to put her through?"

No, he'd rather get a tooth canal, but he knew he couldn't put this off. She was still his mother after all. "Yeah," he said, sounding less than pleased.

Brian rubbed his temples as he pressed the speaker button on his phone; this way he could still work while she berated him. "Mom," he said, tentatively. Christ, why was it so fucking difficult to talk to the woman?

"Brian."

He nearly smiled; she sounded as awkward as he felt. "Do you need something? Money? More sherry?"

"Don't be rude. I wanted to see your office. I figured I should get the grand tour." She paused a moment to pour some more sherry into a glass. "After all, it's not everyday my son becomes so successful."

The bitterness was nearly palpable. Most parents' would be happy to see their son succeed but he'd never had that kind of home life. "I told Claire."

"Yes, I know. Nice of you to tell me."

Don't do this. I'm not going to feel guilty because I didn't tell you about my business. "Mom, what do you want from me?"

"Well, I want to see your new office. Will you give me directions?"

Brian couldn't believe how much this hurt as he synced his palm pilot with his computer and pulled up his agenda for the day. "How about late afternoon? Around 4."

"I have mass at six," she reminded him.

Of course. Her daily dose of Catholicism and hypocrisy, in the form of one Father Tom. He'd always wondered what would happen if his mother found out that he'd fucked her priest. "I'm sure that we'll be done by then." If not, blood would have been shed.

He gave her directions and then buzzed Cynthia. When she answered, he said, "Do you still have some of that Tylenol 3?"

"Yes. Headache?" she asked, concern creeping into her voice.

For once, he didn't bust her on it. He simply said, "Yeah. Can you bring me a bottle of water too? Please."

Cynthia's jaw dropped and she was glad Brian couldn't see her from the interior of his office. "Yeah. You okay, boss?"

"Fine," he said, careful to keep his voice level. He didn't really want to bust her ass today. She hadn't done anything wrong except very carefully express a slight amount of concern.

Later on that afternoon, Justin found himself at the apartment he shared with Daphne. He sat on their sofa and idly sketched a picture of Brian. He was still his favorite subject even though he complained when he was asked to pose. He heard the door open and Daphne blew in. "Hey," she said.

"Hey. Going out tonight?" he asked, figuring he and Brian wouldn't be getting together. After the events of the previous evening, he thought they needed some time apart. After all, too much togetherness could be bad.

"Don't know. I have a paper due on Monday that I should probably work on."

"Procrastinate, you?" he teased, earning a glare from Daphne.

"Everything okay? You and Brian didn't have a fight again, did you?" She hated it when her best friend and his partner were fighting. She was always the one who had to mop up the pieces when Brian fucked up.

"No," Justin said. "I just don't know if we'll be hanging out tonight. He hasn't felt much like going out."

Daphne took a seat, setting her backpack aside for the moment, to study her friend. "Brian's never really been reclusive," she noted. "He's always been the type to hop at the chance to go out to the clubs. You sure he's okay?"

"Yeah, he's fine," Justin said, not really wanting to expand on the details of their nonexistent sex life. He'd really been hoping that the tea would work and hadn't really been able to hide his disappointment that it hadn't.

"Justin, maybe he just needs some time alone. Time to regroup. Like you did after--" she cut herself off as she realized she was going to say after Ethan.

"After Ethan?" he finished her thought, smiling ruefully at her.

"I don't know. I think I'm just gonna hang out here tonight. Maybe watch a little bad TV or some porn."

Daphne stared at him. He hadn't been getting any satisfaction either, she realized, stunned. "Justin Taylor, why the hell don't you go to the backroom?"

"I don't want some trick to suck me off," Justin said. "I want Brian."

"I know you do but that doesn't mean you both have to suffer. I'm sure he'd understand."

"I don't want to, Daph. It would just feel wrong and like it validated all his fears about me not handling the whole cancer thing well. And, you're right, he'd understand. In fact, he's been pushing me to do the same thing."

Oh, she realized, staying silent. "If you change your mind about anything and want to talk, I'm available."

"Thanks, Daph."

Back at Kinnetik…

Cynthia buzzed Brian once to let him know that his mother had arrived. Brian felt for one single moment like hiding under his desk then decided that he was man enough to handle his mother. He stood up, straightened his desk slightly, and went out to meet her in the front. He wondered for a brief moment if she'd realized just what his office used to be and the original purpose of the building. That nearly made him smile.

"Mom," he said, taking her by the arm. She looked nice, he had to say. Perfectly coiffed and groomed, nobody would know that she was an alcoholic.

"Brian," she said, her own voice careful. I don't know how to handle my own son, she thought, horrified by the idea. She'd never understand him, she realized. "Your new office is very impressive. And I like the name, Kinnetik with two n's. It's very clever."

She's as uncomfortable as I am, he realized. Well, for once, they had something in common. She hesitated a moment and then continued, "I'm glad to see you're doing so well."

Mom, just get to the fucking point. Why do you want to see me now? He had a horrible feeling that Debbie might have intervened after their conversation. If she knew, she was doing a good job at leading up to the exposition. "Well, that makes two of us," he said, dryly.

Joan gave him a glance. What did I do to make you hate me so much? She wondered. She'd never imagined that her son would be her enemy. And she'd never understand him or how she'd failed him so badly. "I saw Debbie Novotny this morning in church."

Ah, he thought, so that explains it. I'm her good deed of the day. Find out what's wrong with my son and then she'll go light a candle in my name. Hope it doesn't spontaneously combust. "What the hell was she doing there?" he asked instead.

"What most people do. Pray. She's quite a character," Joan said, observing her son's behavior as he stood behind his desk, knowing that he felt he needed some kind of barrier between them.

"Yeah, well, I'll drink to that," Brian said, meaning every word. He was going to need a whole fucking bottle of Beam to get through tonight. He hated dealing with his family. Have I mentioned that?

"I don't know how her poor son ever survived."

Don't you dare criticize Michael, Brian warned silently. He was having a hard, scratch that, difficult time keeping his temper in check without her being judgmental about one of his best friends. He so didn't need this. "Maybe because she loved him," he said, his voice soft and if she listened really closely he thought even she might be able to pick up on the hurt that lay underneath the words.

Joan studied her son, so proud and handsome. Too bad he was living such a life of sin, she thought. "And I love you. You may not believe that but it's true. That's why it hurts so much that I had to hear it from her and not from you. Why didn't you tell me?"

Brian would rather her attempt to sell him a bridge in bayou country than listen to her tell him that she loved him. He knew that he was nothing more than an obligation to her; a way to spite Jack. And he'd never wanted her to know about his cancer. Maybe, he admitted, on some small level he'd subconsciously wished that Debbie would step in and tell his mother so he wouldn't have to deal with it. "The reason being?" Christ, his voice was so dry it was reminiscent of the Sahara.

My stubborn, prideful son. Just another sin, she thought. Then said, in a voice that some might call genuine, if they did not know Joan Kinney, "So I could help you!"

Brian nearly closed his eyes, and clenched his fists. This was bullshit. How long did he have to deal with this before he was simply going to explode. He'd given up on her as a mother a long time ago and it was too fucking late for her to play the mother card now. Not when she'd made her feelings about him so clear. "Well, I'm a big boy, Mom. I can dress myself." No sense mentioning that he'd needed help in that department a few days ago. The memory was still humiliating.

"I meant pray for you. Help you to see God's plan."

Ah yes, he thought, God's plan. The plan where I'm going to hell for loving someone the same sex as myself. The plan that states I'm going to burn in hell. That I'm going to end up in Purgatory. No fucking way is she going to hand me that. "God has a plan," he said, voice rich with irony.

Joan fingered the rosary in the pocket of her skirt and looked again at her son. He couldn't meet her eyes, she thought. Is that shame? She wondered. She'd have been mortified to know that the reason he couldn't meet her eyes is because he knew what a hypocrite she was. "He spared you for a reason. Do you know why?"

Not a clue, Mom. But then I've never been one of the Hardy Boys. I'm sure you're going to tell me and then I want you the FUCK out of my office. Giving in a little to his rising ire, Brian nearly exploded with the words, " To torment you! I mean, no martyr was ever sainted without going through a shitload of pain and suffering. Well, Saint Joan, say hello to your shitload."

Brian, she thought, stunned and ashamed and hurt by his words. She'd never wanted this but was not the type of woman to comprehend that she'd made her bed and now she had to lie in it. This mess with Brian was of her own making and not wholly her son's fault. " Brian. Whatever anger, whatever hatred you have for me, you're still my son. And that's why I'm trying to save you from the eternal fire. Every time you engage in behavior that the Bible says is an abomination, you're adding another eternity to your sentence."

Great, just fucking great. Do you know, Mom, how much I would rather be fucking Justin right now than talking to you? Do you know how much I would like to be in the backroom getting my dick sucked? Of course, he didn't say any of that. He knew she'd be in the church praying soon enough. "Yeah, well, I wish I was engaging in it." I can't believe I just said that aloud. She doesn't need to know about my personal life or my current impotence. It's none of her business.

Joan was clearly oblivious to her son's inner turmoil as she said, with great fervor, "It brings tears to Jesus' eyes knowing that you've sinned. But only you can save yourself from God's punishment."

She did not just say that to me, Brian thought, fury speeding through his veins. I can't believe she actually thinks that testicular cancer is my punishment. Does she really hate me that much? And why do I still care about what she thinks? "You think God gave me cancer to punish me?" he asked, unable to completely keep the pain from his voice.

"It's not too late. You can still change. I know you can."

"I can?" he asked wryly.

"It won't be easy. You'll have to fight temptation. You'll have to be strong, harden yourself."

Brian nearly smiled at her choice of words. Time to pull out all the stops, he thought. I want this bitch out of my office now. Ceding the last of his control, Brian gave into his emotions. "I want to be hard, Mom. You have no idea how much I want to be hard! Oh Lord, make me hard, so that I can fuck every hot guy I see! That's why God gave me a second chance, Mom! So that I can use the one ball I have left!"

Joan was clearly shocked by his words and horrified. Goal accomplished, he thought. "Shame! Shame on you!" Joan turned on her heels and opened the office door as quickly as she could with Brian on her heels. Fuck, if she wanted a scene, he was going to give her one. He didn't care at the moment that this was on display for all of his employees.

As Joan fled, Brian called after her, "If I have to spend an eternity of eternities burning in Hell, it's better than spending one good day in Heaven with you!"

He watched her go and then walked back to his office, knowing that his employees were wondering just what had happened to cause their boss to lose his famous composure. Some were a little scared but that was just part of learning to work for Brian. He closed the door behind him and crossed to his desk. He stood behind his desk and felt his dick. Is it getting hard? He thought in wonder. Then he felt it rising. Ironic, he thought. The last time she acted as a deflation device, now she helped with his hard-on problem. Wouldn't Justin be amused?

He looked skyward and said, sotto voce, "Thank you!"

Cynthia had seen Brian's mother go and knew that he'd snapped. She also didn't know what to do. His temper was infamous. Still she jumped when he buzzed her to come into his office.

She cautiously opened the door and then walked inside. Sensing her reluctance, Brian said, "Close the door behind you," he said.

Cynthia did so and took a seat in one of the desk chairs, waiting for what was to come. "Um," she began and stopped when he shook his head.

"I imagine I'll be getting quite a few resignation letters due to that little display. I'm not going to explain that. It's nobody's fucking business and I'm only giving you an explanation because you deserve one."

Huh? She thought, but wisely did not say aloud.

"My mother and I do not get along as you obviously saw. She disapproves of me being gay and believes that I'm going to hell. Needless to say I do not give a shit. But she pushed my buttons today and I lost it."

Yeah, you could say that. "If anyone resigns, then they are a fool. Brian, you're a good boss and you are entitled to a personal life. And if your mother finds a problem with your relationship with Justin then she's a cold bitch and a cunt to boot."

There were reasons he believed the sentiment that mothers could be a fate worse than birth. But he refrained from saying it aloud.

Brian grinned. "I couldn't have put it better myself. Will you draft a memo to send out over e-mail? I'm going to take off early tonight."

"Sure," she said. "Want me to fax it to you at the loft?"

He nodded. "Yeah."

She turned to go and then heard his voice behind her. "Cynthia."

"Yeah, boss."

"Thanks."

Understanding a verbal response was not necessary nor wanted, she simply nodded. Sometimes it was simply better to accept what Brian said than to try to read more into it.

Cynthia closed the door behind her and Brian picked up the phone. He pushed speed dial # 1 and heard a familiar voice that made him smile. Amazing how Justin could do that, he thought. "Hey, Sunshine. Want to meet me at Babylon at ten?"

Justin stopped highlighting a passage and stared at the phone. Had he heard him correctly? But then he heard Brian say, "Or do you have a better offer?"

"Um, no. No better offer. I'll be there at ten."

"Oh, Justin," he said, knowing that his words had intrigued the younger man. "Take a shower first."

Okay, Justin thought, something's up. Could it possibly be that? "Yeah. Later."

Brian smiled as he said, "Later."

That evening at Babylon…

Brian walked in to the club, in a black wife-beater and jeans, that fit him snugly and revealed his impressive package. He was not oblivious to the stares and murmurs but tonight, he had one target and one target only. Strange how that didn't bother him in the least. He saw Justin propped up against a column and smiled.

Justin had to take a deep breath as he took in the sight of his lover. Brian looked hot and dangerously sexy, he had to admit. He was still taken aback when Brian picked him up and whirled him around. It was not like Brian to engage in such a public display of affection. Then Brian set him down, though he still held him in an embrace. Eat your heart out boys, he thought, cause tonight the stud of Liberty Avenue is all mine.

"What's up?"

Brian grinned, "Funny you should ask!" He turned around, arms raised. "Is that not a thing of beauty?

Justin smiled as his eyes went down to his lover's package. He was relieved and turned on to see that Brian was hard. "And a joy forever!" he said, truly meaning the words. He knew just how much this meant to Brian.

Brian took his hand and led him into the backroom. Finding a space, Brian leaned against the wall, with Justin facing him.

Justin said, somewhat loudly so Brian could hear him over the cacophony, "So that happy time tea actually worked?"

"Mmm...Unlikely."

"Then whence the woody?"

Brian grinned and said, voice rife with subtextual meaning, "Let's just say that God gave me a second chance. I don't wanna blow it, but you feel free to."

He knew that Justin wouldn't understand but he would reveal to him all the details later. At the moment, all Brian wanted was to feel Justin's lips on his cock. And knew the boy would be happy to oblige his need. Justin unzipped his pants and his cock sprang free, as Justin knelt, kissing the tip of his cock. He started to say go easy and then realized that Justin knew instinctively to go slow. As he sucked on the head of his dick, Brian realized with a start just how much he'd missed having Justin's mouth on him. God, this was amazing, he thought, leaning his head against the wall as Justin's tongue dug into the slit, fucking his pisshole. Then Justin released him so that just the head of his dick rested on his tongue and began to lick slowly and leisurely until Brian's hands fisted in his hair. He felt his balls rise up against his shaft and before he could deliver a warning, he was shooting down Justin's throat as the man deep-throated him.

Justin swallowed as Brian continued to shoot. God, he thought, that'd been building up for a while. Justin licked his lips as Brian helped him to his feet. "That was amazing," he said, meeting Brian's eyes. He started to face the wall himself, adopting the familiar position, when Brian shook his head.

"What?" Justin asked, unsure of the sudden direction of the evening. Usually Brian always fucked him after a blow job.

Leaning in close to him, because he didn't want the whole backroom to hear him, he said, "Let's go home. I don't want us to be on display tonight."

Justin started to protest and then understood what Brian was trying to convey without actually saying it. He smiled and nodded slightly. He understood Brian needed this and why he needed this.

Once back at the loft, clothes went flying in a frenzied hurry, as the two were attached at the mouth. Justin gave no thought to fucking Brian; he just wanted the man inside him. The sooner the better.

Justin lay down on the bed, on his stomach, and then he heard Brian's voice, low and husky with need, "I want to see your face."

Justin turned over and spread his legs apart. Brian looked at the delectable picture Justin presented and felt himself get hard. He smiled as he looked down at his bouncing erection. Thank fucking God, he thought. "Justin," he said, then stopped, hesitating. Then he decided to stumble ahead with the words, "You knew what I needed tonight. And you went slow. Thank you."

Justin nodded. He wanted Brian so badly but knew that it had to be Brian who set the pace and he understood that need. Sometimes words weren't needed. "Turn over, Sunshine."

He hurried to acquiesce and Brian smiled as he looked at his lover's beautiful bubble butt. He'd really missed this, he realized. And he knew Justin had too. Somehow he'd held out. Brian kissed the nape of his neck and then Justin felt the wet warmth of Brian's tongue as it traced his spine and then slowly reached his cheeks. He squirmed a bit and Brian knew exactly what he wanted. Sometimes it was good to be predictable. Brian blew on his hole and watched it spasm, then licked all around it, carefully avoiding direct contact. He knew just how much Justin loved it when he did this. He licked the sensitive area between Justin's hole and his balls, tongue just barely grazing his sac. "Brian," Justin said.

"What?"

"Eat me," he said, voice husky with his own desire.

"Eat what?"

"Eat my ass."

"Not yet," Brian said, intending to torture him just a little bit longer. He hadn't forgotten Justin's seductive little striptease when he was having a mini meltdown. He ran his tongue over the folds of flesh and heard Justin's moan above him. His tongue played in the folds of his ass, carefully avoiding direct contact. Brian pressed his thumbs on either side of the hole and it opened slightly. His tongue eased inside, pushing past the first muscle, and then the second. He curled the tip of his tongue and attacked the top of Justin's asshole before withdrawing. But he wasn't done yet.

He darted his tongue inside again, realizing just how much he'd come to crave this taste. He continued tongue-fucking Justin's hole until it began to spasm around him. And knew that Justin was close to the brink. "I'm gonna come," Justin said, and felt his balls draw up against his shaft as he began to shoot his load.

Brian moved back and waited as the shudders passed. Then Justin turned over and looked up at Brian, face and chest damp with perspiration, chest streaked with semen. "I've missed that," he admitted, voice still breathless from the force of his orgasm.

"I know, baby," Brian said. He flushed as he realized what he'd said.

Sensing that he was about to take back the words Justin shook his head. He liked it when Brian called him baby and knew it wasn't the older man infantalizing him. "It's okay," he said, and moved to a sitting position then moving to stand.

"Where are you going?" Brian asked.

"To get a washcloth to wash this off," he said, indicating the cum on his chest.

Brian shook his head. He took Justin's hand and drew him close. Then Justin felt his tongue begin to lap up the strands of cum. As Brian's tongue worked to clean his sonny boy, Justin felt his cock begin to get hard again and knew that Brian was probably experiencing the same thing. When Brian considered him suitably clean, he leaned back and said, "You up for round two?"

Justin nodded. God, it was so fucking good to have his man back and in top form. They proceeded to fuck for the rest of the night. And Justin was content to be Brian's bottom boy for the night, knowing that his position was secure and safe. For that night, at least, the shadows and demons had been chased away. He knew he'd still have fears and that they had things to work through but he wasn't as fearful as he'd once been. So he knew that they had a chance.

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