Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 22

Brian awoke to an empty bed. He looked around and saw Justin at the bar, working on his laptop. Pulling himself to a sitting position, then standing, he went to join his boyfriend at the bar. Snaking his arms around Justin, Brian pulled him flush against him, feeling the slight hesitation before Justin leaned back against him.

"That stuff tasted like yak shit,"Brian said. "You really think it'll work?"

Justin shrugged and turned slightly. "Ben swears by it and Michael said it really has helped in reducing his viral load. He paused for a moment and said, "I called Miranda."

Huh? However, Brian covered his reaction with a nonchalant, "Really?"

Nodding, Justin said, "We need to talk."

"I hate it when you fucking say that," he griped. But he knew that their argument a few nights ago had to be addressed.

"Brian," Justin began, hesitating while Brian loosened his grip around him. He turned completely so he could face the older man. "I lashed out at you."

"No shit, Sunshine. But I deserved it."

Christ, Justin thought. Why does he put up with this shit from me? "No, you didn't. And you didn't deserve it when I hit you that night."

"I know you didn't mean it, sonny boy. It just happened when adrenaline was pumping through you. It killed me that I hit you back. Wasn't ever supposed to happen like that. We're not Jack and Joan."

Justin sighed then looked at Brian, suddenly seeing how much older Brian really looked. Still gorgeous as ever but older as if the experience of cancer and living his own fucked-up life had suddenly begun to take its course. "Why didn't you tell me how badly the stuff with the Pink Posse was fucking with your head? I would've stopped."

Brian shook his head. "You needed to work through that stuff on your own. It hurt that I couldn't fix this problem for you. Cody scared the fuck out of me. You were listening to him and getting bad advice. You realize I actually agreed with your mom?"

Snorting, Justin said, "You agreed with my mom? You never agree with mom about anything."

"Yeah, Sunshine, I do. I just hardly ever tell you about it. But I thought she was right."

"Why didn't you say anything?"

Brian looked down and then met Justin's querying eyes. "Because I wasn't the solution to this. If anything, I was the fucking problem. We tried to recreate the prom after you got hurt and I took you back to the parking garage to see if it would spark your memory but nothing happened. Do you know how difficult it was for me to pull the jeep into that parking spot and tell you what happened? If I'd been a split second sooner…" his voice trailed off.

"Brian, baby," Justin started, then hesitated because Brian hated it when he called him by a nickname. Fuck it, he thought, starting over again. "Brian, if you hadn't called my name when you did he might have hit me harder. I might not even be here."

"I saw you look back at me and I felt my heart stop for a moment then the bat made impact. That's why I didn't want you facing that little fuck out there with that psychopath as your only back up. Hobbs is a closet case, Justin. When you came home that night running on adrenaline and we had sex I wasn't sure if it was really you I was fucking or not."

Justin smiled sadly at that. Brian glared and snarled, "What? It's not fucking funny. It's like you were fucking possessed."

"No, Brian, it's not," Justin said, agreeing. "How many nights do you think I've felt that way? I have seen you so high I had to drag your ass back up to the loft. Not to mention all the times you have gotten so plastered that you thought everything was hysterical. It's ironic hearing you say that you weren't sure that it was me you were fucking."

Brian started at that. He started to counter and then he realized it was true. What Justin had said was true. He'd never realized how the drugs had affected his sex life with Justin. So he stood there and contemplated his life. "So why are you going to talk to Miranda?" Better to change the subject, he thought, before I admit something that I can't take back.

"I need to figure out what the fuck I'm going to do. I feel like I am on shifting sands again, Brian. I hate this feeling."

"Things are okay between us, right?" God, please don't let the nightmare of ten months ago repeat itself, he thought. "You're not thinking about walking again, are you?" Then he flushed as he realized he'd asked the latter question aloud. Fuck me.

Justin stood and cupped Brian's chin, with his hand, forcing the man to look at him. "No, I'm not walking out on you again. I told you when we got back together that we needed to talk. That I'd tell you when I'm feeling insecure. So I'm telling you now. I have my own shit to deal with, Brian. It's not all about you. I'm just as fucked up as you are."

"You gonna use this against me?"

"Feeling vulnerable is okay, Brian. It doesn't mean you're a pussy. It means you're human."

"So things are good between us?"

Justin smiled ruefully. "Yeah, Bri. It still fucking pisses me off that you kicked me out like you did but we're okay. And I need to find out what the hell he wants."

At that, Brian smiled tentatively. Then he gathered his resolve and said, "We need to talk more, don't we?"

"Yeah, communication was never our strong suit. We're much better in bed," Justin admitted. "But we need to talk to each other if we're gonna survive."

Brian sighed. "I know you wonder about my past and I never want to fucking talk about it. Maybe someday I'll be able to."

"Why can you talk to Michael about it and not me?" Justin asked, recognizing the plaintive note in his voice and hating himself for it.

"Come here."

Following Brian, the duo lay down on the mattress and Justin looked at him, seeing the pain in his hazel eyes. But he knew that it was Brian who had to start this conversation not him. Brian finally looked at him, reluctantly meeting his eyes. "I can talk to Mikey because he was there for most of it. I can talk to Miranda because she was there for a lot of the shit before I had Mikey. For a long time, he was my sounding board, the only person who I could talk to. Claire was four years older, Justin. She was jealous of me but it wasn't her who Pop lit into on a daily basis. I was the unlucky recipient of Jack Kinney's attention. You think you know me but you don't."

"I do know you," Justin insisted. "I know that you are kind, loving, giving…"

"And a narcissistic, egotistical, vain asshole who thinks only with his dick. I'm bad at this relationship shit, Justin. Why did you come back after I kicked you out of Kinnetik?"

Justin looked down at his hands and finally said, "I wasn't going to."

Brian looked up at that, unable to completely conceal his shock at Justin's words. That was a possibility he had never even considered even when he'd shoved him off the proverbial cliff. Then Justin continued to speak, "Michael met up with me on Liberty. I was fucking pissed because I realized he had told you I knew you were sick. It was the only explanation for you tossing me out like you did because I hadn't told anyone else except Michael. So he reminded me that I knew the Brian Kinney Operating Manual."

Brian couldn't help smiling at that. "The Kinney operating manual, huh? So you think I need an instruction manual?"

Justin couldn't bring himself to smile. "He said that you didn't want me to see you because you were no longer perfect."

Brian's smile faded. "I----"

"That you thought I was going to leave you. Did you really think that I would leave you because you lost a testicle? Do you think I'm so shallow?"

"No," Brian said quietly. "You're not shallow, Justin. I just didn't want you to see me as an obligation. But go on and finish telling me why you came back."

"You're so goddamn stubborn that you think being alone is better for you than showing vulnerability. It's not, Brian. And I don't understand why you'd choose to be alone when you have so many people who care about you. Who love you."

"None of them adore me as much as you do," Brian said, his voice barely audible. And that was the difference Justin loved him as he was.

"Look at me, Brian." Brian couldn't meet his eyes and Justin said, more forcefully, "Look at me, damn it."

When Brian finally met his eyes, Justin said, "After Ethan, I came back because I realized that I would never love him the way I love you. I couldn't. What you said that first night is true, Brian. It didn't matter who I was with it was always your face I'd see when I shot. Doesn't matter how hot the guy's ass was or how great he was at giving head it was still you. Do you know that I went home the night you kicked me out and cried myself to sleep? Daphne left me alone but she made sure that I had ice cream and knew that I could call her if I needed her. But what I needed was you. Brian, I need you."

"You have me."

Justin looked at him. "No, I don't. I have parts of you but I don't have all of you."

Brian sighed. "I can tell you stuff that I can't tell Mikey. When I sold the contents of the loft to pay for the ads to ruin that fascist pig, you didn't run. In fact, you stayed with me and it wasn't out of the goodness of your heart. You wanted me. Me. Not the contents of my checkbook or a plasma television or an excellent entertainment center or my dick. You don't get this from just anyone. I know that you love me, Justin. I just sometimes forget it and I don't understand it. Why me? Why the hell did you choose me?"

Justin took a deep breath. "Because from the moment I saw you I've been yours. Heart and soul. Doesn't matter how fucked up that seems. Our souls recognized each other. Go ahead and scoff but there's something that drew us together." He expected Brian to dismiss his words as bullshit but Brian lay there with a considering expression on his face.

"Do you really believe that?" Brian paused, "That it's destiny that we found each other?"

"I don't know, Bri. But there's a reason we keep coming back to each other."

"How long would you wait?" Brian asked.

Justin stared at him. Wait for what? Then he said, "Brian, I'd wait forever. I know that the words were part of the reason I left. But it wasn't the part where you said that you couldn't say the words that bothered me so much and left me disillusioned."

"Then what was it?" he gently prodded.

"The part where you said that you wouldn't ever give me the words. The night of the Rage party, I was going to break it off with Ethan. I still loved you but when I saw you fucking the actor playing Rage something broke inside of me. It's like the last thread of hope was severed and I was left hanging over the abyss. You weren't there to catch me anymore and it's like you had just given up on me, on us." So had I.

Fuck me, Brian thought. "Did you see my eyes that night?"

No sense debating which one Brian meant. Justin slowly nodded. "I know that the only reason you slept that night is because I came back. I lay awake for hours in your arms, Brian, just staring into the darkness. When I came home that night, I knew I'd hurt you."

"If you knew then why the fuck did you go? You broke down all my fucking walls Justin. I built a fortress like Jericho and you somehow became the hammer that broke the stones apart. My facade wasn't worth shit because you could see through it. Christ!" No point hiding the agony in the exhalation.

"Because somewhere along the way I realized that we didn't know each other anymore. I'm not entirely sure when it happened but the birthday hustler didn't help matters much."

"It was a good idea in theory but bad in practice. Kind of like the floorshow. You know I've heard that Curtis has turned into quite the little bottom. He's giving Todd a run for his money as the best bottom boy at Babylon," Brian said, joking. Then his mood turned serious, "I thought you would find it hot. I've always enjoyed watching you fuck someone else."

"I know it gets you off, Brian. But that was the second least pleasurable sexual experience of my life. I knew that I had to get off or fake it really well because I knew you'd spent a shit-load on a rent-boy for me. I didn't want roses or candlelight; I just wanted some acknowledgment of the day."

"I know that now," he said, sighing again. "Christ, this is fucked up."

Justin laughed at the weariness in Brian's voice. "No shit. That's not news to either of us. You know I bitched about going to Miranda's but I think it was good for me."

Brian arched an eyebrow. "So you don't think psychiatry and psychology is a bunch of bullshit?"

"I didn't say that," Justin said. "But I need to talk to someone about all this."

"And me?"

"One day we're going to need to talk about the prom and exactly why it was that you came and why it's so important to you that I get my memory back of that night."

Brian closed his eyes against the pain of the memory. I was so fucking open that night, he thought, and he cannot even remember it. I told him I loved him that night in front of all those people. It's more naked than I've ever been. Sure, I do casual nudity but I was naked that night, laid bare for all to see. All for him. Only for him..

"Brian," Justin's soft voice jolted him out of his memory. "I'm going to try to track him down. Need to find out what the hell he wanted."

Brian's mouth twisted in a loose version of a snarl. "No fucking violin music, Sunshine."

Tempted to tease Brian, Justin nevertheless refrained, saying only, "I'll be coming home to you."

"You need a ride to the ninth circle of hell?"

Justin looked at him and said, "Would it make you feel better if you came along?"

Brian hesitated, considering that for a moment, then shook his head slowly. "No," he began, and then continued, "I trust you."

The import of that simple statement was not lost on either one of them. Justin met the hazel eyes and saw the reluctance and fear on the surface though it would never be voiced by Brian. "I love you, Brian."

He simply nodded. "Call me, sonny boy, if you need me to pick you up. I can take you to Miranda's."

"You want to sit in on the session?"

Brian shook his head. "It's your time, Justin. I know that I am a control freak but even I understand that you have your own barriers erected for reasons I don't know. Sometime we're going to have to talk about your childhood and deal with your issues with your father."

Justin moved closer to him and felt the reassuring warmth of Brian as the older man embraced him. He was tempted to speak but didn't say anything, content for the moment just to be with Brian; no expectations, no reservations, just be with Brian. He let Brian hug him and for the moment his worries slipped away.

Later that day, Justin found himself hesitating outside Ethan's door. He could hear the faint strains of violin music through the door and lifted his hand to knock. When he heard Ethan's shout, "It's open," Justin was reminded of the first time he'd stood outside this door. But so much had changed and it was a path better left shrouded in the mists of his memory. Besides, he'd never really loved Ethan. It had always been Brian. Always would be Brian.

So Justin tentatively turned the knob and opened the door to find Ethan standing in the middle of the small, cramped apartment. Ethan's eyes darkened imperceptibly and Justin saw Wolfram in a corner. Things hadn't changed much. "Wondered when you'd deign to grace this humble abode with your presence."

"Pissing me off isn't the best way to have an enlightening conversation, Ethan. What the fuck do you want? I'm back with Brian."

"See living with His Highness has rubbed off on you," Ethan snarled, but he set the violin down on the bed. "You never used to be so unsubtle."

"That's rich. I came to see you. That should tell you something."

"Is His Highness skulking in the corridor?"

Christ, Justin thought, he just can't help himself. "I don't need Brian as back-up. And I'd appreciate it if you'd stop flinging shit at my partner."

Ethan couldn't help it, his mouth dropped open in shock. "Partner?" Then he began laughing uncontrollably until tears rolled down his cheeks. "Brian Kinney, the whore of Liberty Avenue is your partner? Partner in what? A ménage a trios or a quartet? Christ, Justin, don't be so fucking naïve. He'll never give you monogamy."

Justin glared at his ex-lover. "I'll walk out the fucking door. Ethan, you came to our home. What the hell did you want? That took balls." Then he continued, "And Brian is what I've always wanted. You lost the right to pass judgment on Brian when you fucked the groupie. Playing a hypocrite is so unattractive."

Understanding that he was walking a fine line and that Justin was less than willing to hear Brian's name dragged through the mud, Ethan met Justin's eyes. "I came to tell you that I have bone marrow cancer."

At that, Justin fell onto the couch. Well, fuck me, and without lube too, he thought. He looked at Ethan and saw that the other man was not laughing or kidding. "You're kidding, right?"

Slowly Ethan shook his head. "No, it was diagnosed seven months ago."

"And you're telling me this now because…" Justin's voice trailed off as he looked up.

"I don't want you back, Justin. I saw you and Kinney together. I still think he's bad for you but you love him and I think that it's entirely possible that he loves you. So I'm telling you because I thought you had a right to know. Brian doesn't have to worry about me fucking things up between you two again. I'm out."

Justin had to take a deep breath. "How bad is it?" No matter how badly they'd fucked things up with each other, he'd still care about Ethan on a friendship level, but it went no further than that. They couldn't go back to the way things were.

"Stage 3. I'm on a waiting list for a transplant. But the doctors aren't hopeful. My parents mortgaged their house but they're barely speaking to me. Having a son who is gay and who pretends to be straight for the sake of his career isn't exactly someone they feel they can be proud of. So it's pretty fucking tense."

Justin rose and looked directly at his ex-lover. "Why did you come to Brian's to tell me this? You could have told me via e-mail or over the phone. I'd have taken your call."

Ethan slowly shook his head and sadly looked at him. "No, baby, you wouldn't have. And an e-mail would've been so fucking impersonal. I have more respect for you than that. And I came to Brian's because I felt that he deserved to know that I'm no threat."

"Do you really think Brian ever saw you as a threat?" Justin couldn't believe the nerve of Ethan notwithstanding his illness. "And don't call me baby."

Ethan smiled. "Yeah, for all his arrogance and panache, Brian saw me as a threat. He knew that I was giving you what he couldn't or wouldn't. He knew he was going to lose you and he was running scared. But I'm not here to fuck things up again for you two. I only wish I could've been the one you met first. So I'm here to say goodbye and say that the best man won."

"It wasn't a contest."

"No, it wasn't," Ethan said sadly. He walked over to where Justin sat, still shell-shocked. "I did love you, Justin. It was a stupid thing that happened but it got you back where you belong."

"So it was a selfless act of nobility?"

"No," he admitted. "It was a test to see if you were willing to forgive me the same faults that you seemingly forgave Brian."

"You aren't Brian. You will never be Brian. And it's fucked up to think that you could have even competed with him."

"I know that. I hope you and Brian are happy together. God knows that even Kinney deserves some semblance of happiness. And I know that you would never have loved me the way you love him. So I came back to the Pitts to tie up loose ends not stir the pot. Goodbye, Justin."

Justin stood and said, "Goodbye Ethan. I'm sorry that you are sick." Irony at its finest, he couldn't help thinking.

He stood and walked to the door without looking back. When he shut the door, he heard the strains of violin music begin again, a breathtakingly sad song that tore at the heart and soul. But his time for sadness was over. He walked out of the building that had never been a home and sat down on the steps. He dialed a number and said, "Hey, come get me. It's over."

Brian heard the strange note in Justin's voice but didn't push him on it. He figured he'd find out the 411 soon enough without pushing. The one thing they had back again was honesty. And as he pulled up outside the building, he saw Justin sitting on the steps, looking sadder than he'd ever seen him. What did that little fuck do? I'll fucking kill his ass if he hurt Justin. He put the 'vette in park and got out. Sinking down on the steps beside Justin, Brian waited for the younger man to speak.

"Brian," Justin said, his voice quiet and small. If he asks me what's with the little voice I'll walk home, he thought. I'll fucking walk home.

"Yeah, sonny boy. I'm here. What did the little shit say?"

Justin laughed at that but it was a hollow sound. "He's got bone marrow cancer, Brian. Isn't that ironic?"

"Yeah," Brian said, his own thoughts whirling. Well, shit, I never thought it'd be something like this. "How far along is he?"

"Stage 3. Didn't catch it sooner. He's on a wait list for a transplant but it doesn't look good. His parents are barely speaking to him."

"He's out to them, right?"

Justin nodded. Brian couldn't help feeling a teeny bit sorry for the younger man. "You okay?"

"Not really."

"Want me to talk to him?"

Justin looked at Brian then, and shook his head slowly. "He's not a threat, Bri. He came back to tell me that he knew the better man had won. That his liaison with the groupie was a test."

"Test of what?"

"Test of whether or not I could forgive him like I forgave you. He doesn't get it, Brian. He gave me that fucking ring and I wore it because he made a promise of fidelity."

"You shouldn't believe in rose gardens, baby."

Justin stared at him. "You never call me baby. You hate that fucking nickname and it's always Sunshine or Sonny boy. Why now?"

"Oh maybe, because the one man who fucked the tapestry of our lives up is in a shitty studio apartment playing violin music knowing that he's dying. And I'm down here with the love of his life feeling just a little bit bad because I'm gonna make it. And they'll be playing some religious crap at his funeral and you'll be morose." Brian looked at him. "I feel bad for him, Justin. He's too young to die."

"I thought you saw the appeal in dying young. Always young, always beautiful…"

"And they'll always be dead." Brian finished the statement and sighed. "I don't know if I believe that anymore, Sunshine."

"So these great revelations you are suddenly espousing are really Kinney-isms."

"Hey, if you're pissed off at someone don't take it out on me." Brian looked up at the building and rose to his feet. He stood in front of the door and looked down at Justin. "It's okay to be sad."

"That's really funny coming from you."

Brian glared at him. "Justin, I know what it's like to have mortality stare at you and then slap your ass down. But this is a thousand times worse. He knows he's gonna fucking die unless a miracle happens. I got lucky. A trick sucked me off and happened to be a doctor. Six or nine months down the road we might be telling a different story. I don't like Ian but even I don't want the man to die. So yeah I think its okay for you to be sad. You cared about him."

Justin looked at him. "Mind if we go get a drink before I talk to Miranda?"

"Home?" Brian asked.

Nodding, Justin rose to his own feet. "Brian."

Brian turned back to him. And Justin said, "This was never a home. It was just a place where I escaped. But I never ever considered it a home."

Slowly Brian nodded. He got the importance of what Justin was saying without him really saying it. That was the difference that their connection played. They could read each other without the words being spelled out in neon. They didn't need that anymore and he was fucking grateful for that.

Up in the apartment, the windows slowly fluttered closed as Ethan watched Brian and Justin drive away. Well, he thought, at least one of us is happy. And he deserves that. He returned to playing and knew that a chapter of his life was over, the tale had been told and he'd lost. But he'd always have the memory of those few months when it was him that Justin turned to in the middle of the night.

At Miranda's office, Justin found himself in the waiting room with Brian seated next to him. "You don't have to stay," Justin said. "I don't need you to hold my hand."

"Twat," Brian said. "Who said I'm staying here for you?"

Not wishing to have a fight, Justin simply shook his head. Brian would never change and despite his earlier words to both he and Ethan, Justin was kind of shaken by the news of Ethan's illness. That hadn't been what he'd expected to hear. So when Miranda walked out of her office and called him inside he was relieved.

Closing the door behind them, Justin took a seat as Miranda returned to her own seat. "I have to admit I was kind of surprised to hear from you so soon. I didn't think you'd call me."

Justin smiled ruefully. "Yeah, well, things are going on and I'm feeling kind of shaky."

"Want to tell me what's going on? Have you talked to Brian about it?"

Shaking his head, Justin said, "I can't talk to Brian about it. He's part of the problem."

"So talk to me. It's a safe place and I won't tell him what you've told me."

Staring at her skeptically, she could see the reluctance play out in the fine features. But then he said, "I saw my ex today."

"Ethan?"

"I thought Brian always called him the fucking fiddler or Ian," Justin said. "He's been on tour and came back a week ago. He didn't want to reconcile, though."

"So what did he want?"

"To tell me that he has bone marrow cancer. That it's in Stage 3 and that he's on a wait list for a transplant."

Well, shit, Miranda thought. Isn't the kid's life ever easy? "How does that make you feel?"

"Fucking lucky that I have Brian and that he's okay. That the testicular cancer was caught in stage 1 and that it was someone who knew enough to tell him that there was a problem. I feel bad for Ethan but seeing him today I realized that I no longer love him. That I probably never loved him. That he was just a safe outlet."

"Did you use him?"

Justin looked down and then met her piercing green eyes. "No," he blurted out. Then, looking chagrined, admitted, "Maybe. Maybe I did use him because I couldn't have Brian. Maybe I used him because the words Ethan said were the words I so desperately wanted to hear from Brian. Sex is important to me but I don't use it as a weapon."

"Do you think Brian does that?"

"Yeah, sometimes I think he sees his dick as the most powerful weapon he possesses. But it's him that I fell in love with."

"Are things going okay between you two?"

"Yeah, things are going okay. He asked me if I wanted him to come with me to see Ethan. I told him no."

"Why'd you do that?"

"Because I didn't want to put Brian through that. I caused him enough pain when I left him. I don't want to ever do that again."

Miranda looked up from her notes and studied the young man seated in front of her. "Justin, do you see yourself walking out on him again? Is what you have with Brian right now enough for you? Or do you need more from him?"

"It would be great if he told me he loved me. No matter how I know he feels I want to hear the words, Doc. But I think Brian would push me away even harder if he actually admitted that was how he felt. I'm happy with where we are but I still feel like we're standing on shifting sands. I feel restless."

It was on the tip of her tongue to remind him just how young he was and how wide the age difference between he and Brian was but she remained silent. "That's part of being twenty-one, Justin. That's part of youth. It's hard for anyone to settle down at twenty-one, gay or straight."

"Brian's nearly thirty-three," Justin pointed out. "And he's nowhere close to settling down."

"Settling down means different things to different people. Brian may have a different definition of settling down than you do, Justin."

"Really?"

"You know I can't talk about it, Justin," she gently reminded him. "He's still my primary patient."

Justin delivered an icy stare. "I don't want to be his husband, Miranda. I just want to know that our partnership means more than just words. That emotion lies behind it. That it won't just go up in flames."

"Nobody can give you that kind of guarantee. It's not just Brian. That's life. Do you think he would have filed the DPA and the will without it meaning something to him?"

"I don't know. That's the fucking problem. I don't know if it means something to him or not because he won't fucking spell it out for me."

"Why is that so important to you?"

He looked at her like she'd just climbed out of the primordial ooze naked. "Because I love him. Because I nearly fucking died. And because every time Brian and I knock a wall down, he builds another one. How long do I have to endure that?"

"Remember what you said to me in the last session?"

Slowly Justin nodded and she continued to speak. "How you'd protect and defend him. How you loved him. And that there is a connection between you two that defies all odds and logic."

"Yeah, but-"

Miranda shook her head. "Take him as he is or don't take him at all. But you can't fuck with each other's heads like this. It's not fair to either one of you." It sure as hell isn't fair to him. Brian deserves more.

"I should've known you'd defend him. No matter what Brian does or doesn't do you and Lindsay always fucking defend him."

Miranda didn't have an instant rebuttal for that statement. But she'd seen the look in Brian's eyes a few days ago when he was talking about the young blond. "Is he important to you?"

"Of course," he burst out. "I love him, Miranda. But how long do I stay in a relationship where I don't know if the feelings are returned? I feel like a puppet on a string and Brian's pulling the strings."

"Where is all this coming from? Why now? What happened?"

Justin took a deep breath, trying to calm himself, before he worked himself into a panic attack. "He had dinner with my mother and she called him her son-in-law. Then my fucking father showed up and lit into Brian about being a child molester and said he'd corrupted both me and Mom."

"What did Brian do?"

"He told Craig that the next time he came after him it wouldn't be him who was injured. That I was a fag long before I met Brian. And that wasn't going to change the fact that Brian was still the one sleeping with me."

"Okay, sounds like that confrontation between Brian and your dad was a long time in coming. Is that what bothered you or was it how your mom referred to Brian?"

Justin paused and then slowly raised his head, so his eyes focused on Miranda's. "Brian hates the idea of gay marriage. He thinks it's fucking ridiculous but he was okay with Mom calling him her son-in-law. He even referred to me as Gus's other father."

"Those sound like good things. So what's bothering you about Brian's reaction?"

"It doesn't sound like Brian!" Justin lowered his voice and said, "It doesn't sound like Brian. For him to even accept the idea of him as my mother's son-in-law is anathema."

"Sounds like you have him pigeon-holed. That when Brian acts in a way you've always wanted him to act it bothers you. That you say you want him to change and grow up and when he does it scares the shit out of you. How am I doing so far?"

"Okay, Doc Miranda, you're close but not there yet. I fell in love with Brian when he was a self-centered asshole who lived for only one thing. I broke down his walls. I'm the one who woke up in the middle of the night to find him sitting on the sofa with a bottle of Jim Beam in front of him, agonizing about decisions he was going to have to make. I'm the one who has seen him vulnerable and open. I've seen Brian cry because of the shit his mother and sister have pulled. I was there the day his mom found out that he was gay. He used to be Peter Pan and Lindsay was Wendy. But that's all changed now and it's totally fucked."

For the first time, Miranda could see the youth in Justin, and the danger it presented for his continued relationship with Brian. "You've always wanted monogamy from him, right?"

"Yeah. I've never really needed to go out and fuck strangers. I've been content in Brian's bed."

"So it's the fact that Brian's changing in all the ways you've wanted him to since day one that are freaking you out?"

Justin nodded. "Just when I got used to him being one way, he changed."

"Did you think him incapable of change?"

"This is Brian we're talking about, Doc. Of course, I didn't think he could change. He's never really seen the need to change himself for anyone or anything. He hates change. Actually he hates needless change."

"But he changed for you. He opened himself up to you and let his guard down. Seems to me like Brian's trying to be everything you want him to be. And it's you that isn't happy."

Justin couldn't find a response to that. She'd nailed the problem on the head.

"Do you think it's possible that learning he had cancer might have shifted some things around for Brian? That his priorities might have changed?"

"But Brian's Brian," he protested.

"People aren't static. Not even Brian. He changed because of you, Justin. He changed because he wanted to be with you. I think the fact that he's changed scares the fuck out of you because you're getting what you want and it was easier and safer thinking it would never happen. Because as long as that hope remained just out of reach, you didn't have to think about the possibility of what would really happen if you did get what you wanted from Brian."

Miranda set her pen down and stared hard at him. "I can talk to you and Brian but my first priority and loyalty lies with him. You need to find your own counselor, Justin."

He stared at her, blue eyes confused. Then he understood what she was saying. "You're saying that I'm the one who's fucked up. That it's not Brian who has the problem but me."

Not wanting to agree or disagree, Miranda simply said, "Justin, you've got your own issues to deal with. I can't comment on that but right now you're the one I'm more concerned about." She paused and breathed deeply. "Where do you see yourself six months from now? Nine? A year?"

"I don't know," he admitted. "I want to get my degree and work on the Rage movie."

"What about if things really heat up out in Los Angeles and you're asked to relocate? Would you do that or would you willingly sacrifice that to stay here in Pittsburgh with Brian?"

Justin couldn't immediately answer and she gave him a knowing look. "So you'd be willing to sacrifice what you have with Brian for the sake of your career."

"No, I didn't say that."

"But you didn't say that you'd give it up either, Justin."

Justin's eyes flashed with a sudden burst of temper. "You know what he told me when Ethan and I were together?"

She shook her head and Justin continued, fury coursing through his own veins, "Ethan was supposed to sign a contract for a music deal. He would be required to present a heterosexual façade to the outside world and deny that he loved me, that he had a partner. I came home one night and found that Ethan had signed the papers. When I asked why he said that there was nothing noble about being poor. It was a direct quote from Brian. So I tracked him down in the backroom of Babylon where he was getting his dick sucked and lit into him. He snarled at me that Ethan shouldn't give up his career for a piece of blond boy ass. Basically he was telling me that I wasn't worth it."

"Did you think he meant it?"

"At the time, yeah. But when things heated up with Stockwell and he began to help me, I realized that he was jeopardizing his own career for the piece of blond boy ass that he'd dismissed so callously. I know what Brian would say. It's the same thing he told me when I was thinking about going to school out of state and the same thing he said when he was considering taking that job offer in New York: that I shouldn't sacrifice my career and options for him. That he wouldn't do the same thing for me. But that I should be willing to sacrifice what he and I have for my own career."

"Have you talked to Brian about any of this? Have you told him how you're feeling?"

"No," he said quietly. Then he glared at her. "If I talk to him, he's just going to put another wall up and say that he was right to have pushed me away when he found out about the cancer."

"Was he right?" Asking the hard questions was what she was paid to do, she reminded herself even as she saw the look of pain flash across Justin's face.

"I don't know. I don't fucking know." The look of pain was not fake. It was entirely too real and agonizing for it to be artificial.

It was on the tip of Miranda's tongue to make an acidic comment then she thought of her ethics class and professional training. But she tossed those aside for the moment. "You better find out, Justin, or you're going to hurt him again. Do you want that?"

"That's harsh," Justin said, stunned by her attitude and the fact that her professionalism was fractured.

"I told you I'm not a typical shrink. I don't sugarcoat things with my patients or my patient's lovers. Justin, you knew going into this thing with Brian, that things wouldn't be easy. Loving Brian isn't easy but you've got to work through it. If you think you're done, have the balls to talk to him about it. He's not the only one who pushes people off cliffs, you know." She took a deep breath and then continued, "You can only push him so far before Brian reaches his breaking point, Justin. You owe him this."

The pointed reminder about how he'd walked out on Brian once before wasn't lost on Justin but he was still shocked by Miranda's response. She flipped through her Rolodex and put a card on the edge of her desk. "Here," she said, "it's Lara Connelly's number. She's a great therapist and I think she might be able to help. I need to talk to Brian for a moment."

"You gonna tell him what I said?" Justin asked, suddenly afraid of what she'd do. Knowledge was power, after all.

"No, privilege still applies. I'm still bound by the Hippocratic Oath, Justin, and I promise to do no harm. I stand by my word. I just need to speak to him a moment."

Justin stood and took the business card before walking out into the waiting room. Brian was flipping through a magazine and looking utterly bored but he looked up when he saw his lover. "Um," Justin began and then forced the words out, "she wants to talk to you."

Brian raised his eyebrows but Justin wouldn't say more. He walked into her office and closed the door behind him. "What's up?"

Without preamble, Miranda said, "You love him, right?"

"We've been over this-"Brian began.

But she shook her head and said, "Kinney, don't fuck with me on this. Do you love him?"

Slowly he nodded and met her green eyes which were flashing dangerously at him. Deciding to forego his usual bullshit, he said, "Yeah, I guess I do. I don't want to but I fucking love him."

She sighed and said, "Sooner rather than later you're going to have to admit that to him."

"What are you saying? You know I can't tell him that, Miranda."

"I've already stepped over the line, Brian. Just think about what I said."

Brian let her words sink in and then an anguished expression crossed his face. He met her eyes again and nearly whispered, "I'm going to lose him again, aren't I?"

It took everything in her power not to go to him and comfort him but she knew Brian would push her away. This was a question she couldn't answer and she wished more than anything that she could do something to alleviate the pain Brian felt. When Brian finally looked up, his eyes focused on the Ansel Adams print on the wall. "This is why I didn't want him to fucking come back. I'm too fucking old for this shit. I love him, Miranda, and he broke my heart. I can't deal with him leaving again. For any reason."

Miranda stepped closer to him and said, "Brian, don't do this to yourself. He loves you. Despite everything, he loves you. You need to trust that if you say the words he'll stay."

"I can't," Brian admitted. He was reminded of the night he'd ended up at Woody's and how Debbie had reminded him that somehow Justin had crept in under the wire and wormed his way into his heart. "I can't tell him."

"You have too, Bri. I know that you believe the words are bullshit and cause nothing but pain but you have to trust him."

Brian looked at her and smiled ruefully. "I should have fucking kicked him out again. I should have made it clear that the door was firmly closed. I can't fucking believe this." He took a deep breath and then let it out, saying, "He knows about Sabrina, Miranda. I fucking told him about my daughter. Michael doesn't even know about her and he doesn't believe that I fucking love him. That's utter bullshit."

Unable to do more for one of her oldest friends, she said, "I don't know what to say, Brian. But you need to tell him. And soon."

Brian stood and opened the door. He heard Miranda's voice from behind him and saw Justin sitting in front of him. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. "Brian," Justin said softly and Brian couldn't even meet his eyes.

"Let's go home," he said, turning back to face Miranda. "I'll send you a check."

Mute, she simply nodded.

Once they returned to the loft, Brian sank down on the futon mattress and looked at Justin. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing."

"Okay, pretend that this is a different situation. That we do things differently, that we're completely open and honest with each other. Drop the bullshit and tell me what's bothering you. Please."

It was the last pleading note in Brian's voice that caused Justin to pause. "No apologies? No regrets?"

Brian simply nodded. "I need you to tell me what's going on."

"You sure you want to hear this?" Justin asked as he sank down next to his partner.

Shaking his head, Brian looked at Justin. "Communication."

Understanding completely what Brian meant Justin began to talk. Brian sat there and listened, feeling like his world was changing again. But he was willing to listen and not run or send him away.

"Justin," Brian began and then looked at the younger man. "I know that I hate doing the talking thing but we need to do it."

Meeting Brian's eyes, Justin knew he was sincere but yet he still hesitated. This could go so fucking wrong, he thought. "I just feel restless. Like things are changing around me and with us and I'm unsure of myself."

Struggling not to get angry but feeling as if he'd been hit again, Brian spoke quietly. It occurred to him that when he'd woken up he'd felt like the image he had of Justin was shimmering, going in and out of focus. It never dawned on him that Justin might be feeling the same way but about him. "You've always been the most mature person in my life," Brian reminded him. "And you have this annoying tendency to call me on my shit so talk."

Justin looked down at the mattress, obviously avoiding Brian's eyes. "I guess I was upset when you came home from dinner with Mom and acted so nonchalant about her referring to you as her son-in-law." He glanced at his partner, saw the stony expression on Brian's face, and forced himself to forge ahead heedless of the outcome. "And I was so proud of you for standing up to my shit-bag of a father."

"I thought you always wanted me to get along with your mom, Sunshine. Hell, I call her Mother Taylor."

Justin cracked a slight smile. "But it's always been in jest, Brian. Kind of like when you call me honey. I know you're playing with me and it's okay. It's just different when it's my mom."

Brian bit his lip and suddenly stood. He crossed to the clerestory windows and looked out at the street before turning back. "My mother is a fucking bitch, Justin. She persistently says I'm going to go to hell. I don't even want her to know that I have cancer. Hell, I didn't even want Claire to know and the only reason she found out is because she works in pediatric oncology. Your mother has never said that she wished you were going to hell or that either of us were. When I first met her, she said that at least she knew that you'd be safe with me. And when you got hurt, Jennifer pushed me away for your benefit but then came to me when she knew that she wasn't going to be able to handle it. I've never foisted my family on you because I hate them but your mother is different. I know now that she's got my back and that she'll kill me if things get bad between us. But your mother is there. She's been there for both of us. I don't know many other mothers who would show their son's lover a gay bathhouse as possible office space. Fuck, Justin. I like your mom. More importantly I respect Jennifer. I know where you got your heart from and your tenacity and even your balls."

Justin looked up at him. "I-"he began again. "I just never thought you'd ever accept the idea of you being a son-in-law to my mother. I thought you were happy being on the periphery of things."

"Would you have been happy if I'd kept you outside my circle of friends, Sunshine?" Brian stared hard at him.

It was a few moments before Justin began to answer. "No," he admitted, "I suppose I would've been hurt. And angry." Even though I can do without Michael at times.

"Just because I've lived this solitary life doesn't mean that I was happy, Justin. I needed them because I was foundering." Brian stopped; he could have said more but now wasn't the time. "So keep talking. What else is bothering you?"

"I don't know. It seems like bullshit now. Just a bunch of inconsequential stuff that I built up in my head. Brian, I'm sorry."

"Sorry's bullshit."

Justin smiled at him, though the smile wasn't as radiant as it could have been. "No more talking," he said.

Brian started to agree immediately but then something in the words stopped him. His eyes narrowed as he stared at his lover. "When we got back together I told you that I didn't need anything from you except honesty. Well, I need to amend that."

Justin's blue eyes grew wide as he listened. "If you're unsure of yourself or us, I need you to talk to me. I know I can be impenetrable, don't laugh. But I'd rather us talk it out than end up hiding what's really going on."

"Like you did with the cancer?" Justin pointed out and watched temper flare in Brian's eyes.

It was on the tip of Brian's tongue to retort acidly then he decided it wouldn't do anyone good. "Yeah."

Brian stepped towards him and Justin met him halfway as they hugged each other, the embrace growing tighter. Feeling rather smothered, Justin tilted his head up without bucking Brian's chin and said, "I love you."

"I know you do, baby," Brian said, feeling the words come easier.

"Seriously Brian, why are you suddenly calling me baby?" Justin asked.

"Fuck if I know. Somehow it just seems right to say it now."

"And earlier?"

"Well, you're not always merry Sunshine and Sonny Boy doesn't always convey the emotion I'm trying to express. So that leaves our options rather limited. I don't like calling you J because Daphne does that. Besides, it kind of rolls off the tongue."

"So it's not you infantilizing me?"

Brian looked disgusted. "Fuck. I won't ever say it again."

"That's not what I meant," Justin said, hastening to back up and rectify what he'd said. "I know you don't think of me as a baby. I'm sorry, Brian."

"Okay. So I should probably go into the office and check on Cynthia and Theodore."

Justin looked kind of hurt as he said, "I thought you'd take the rest of the afternoon off."

"Well, I'd like to stay here but my business doesn't run itself. And I've taken too much time off as it is. People are beginning to wonder about me and the way I run my business." He looked at Justin and said, "You understand, don't you?"

Slowly Justin nodded. "Yeah, I understand. How `bout I fix you dinner when you get home?"

A slow smile crossed Brian's face as he said, "Maybe dinner will be forgotten."

"Promises, promises," Justin said, this time with a true Sunshine-y smile. "Anything in particular?"

"Surprise me," Brian said. "Seriously I should really go check in. What time is it anyway?"

"Nearly 4:00," Justin said, glancing at his own watch.

Brian groaned. "Never mind. If I go in now it's kind of pointless. They've been on their own since earlier anyway."

"You know, Daddy," Justin quipped, "the children are perfectly capable of watching themselves. They don't need you to monitor them."

Startled by Justin's comment, Brian looked at him and said, "Don't call me that."

"What, Daddy?" Justin asked, with an innocent expression on his face. Then he saw the expression on Brian's face. "Brian?"

"Just don't call me that, Justin," Brian's voice was nearly strangled.

"What's wrong?"

Without answering, Brian crossed the room and sank down on the bed, head in his hands. Waiting for a moment in abject shock, Justin soon followed him, not fully comprehending the depth of Brian's response or the emotion that lay behind it. "Brian."

The look of pain and hurt on Brian's face nearly broke his heart. He couldn't understand why him calling him that would cause such a reaction; after all, Brian didn't mind when Gus called him Daddy. In fact, Brian would light up. So what was this all about?

Brian was fully aware of Justin's presence and also knew that he'd freaked the younger man out to a certain extent. But dammit, he hadn't fucking listened to him. Maybe now he would. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Bri?"

He hated the questioning note in Justin's voice but he refused to bend. This was just something he refused to talk about. Absolutely fucking not going to talk about it. Doesn't matter what he does, Brian thought. I'm not going to talk about why I lost my shit over this. But then he looked up and saw the compassion in the blue eyes and knew he was lost. Damn, it would have been so good if I hadn't looked up, he thought, knowing that he was screwed.

"Not now." Brian paused. "Justin, just don't call me Daddy."

"You want to explain why that shook you up so bad?"

Brian slowly shook his head. "Not right now. No. Stop asking. Just let it alone."

Even though he wanted to find out what had provoked that kind of reaction in Brian, Justin cared enough about him not to push. Brian lay down on the bed and Justin lay down on his side of the bed, far enough away that both were achingly aware of the distance between them. Surprisingly it was Brian who bent first. "I know you want to know. But I can't tell you right now."

"You freaked me out," Justin admitted.

"You?" Brian teased, reminded of the conversation they'd had so long ago.

This time though neither of them were smiling. Justin closed his eyes and listened to the sound of Brian's rhythmic breathing next to him. But he didn't fall asleep and he knew that Brian wasn't sleeping either. Unconsciously he slid over on the bed closer to Brian, hoping that Brian would acknowledge the movement in some small way.

Brian lifted his arm and wrapped it around Justin, pulling him closer. Speaking quietly, he said, "It's okay, baby."

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