Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 20

Two days later Brian found himself seated across the table from Jennifer Taylor. Though it had originally been a lunch date, he'd found himself unable to complain when she'd called to ask if they could make it dinner instead. Instead, he'd called the blond they shared in common and asked him to meet him at the loft at 9:00 instead of after his shift at the diner.

Since the aborted attempt at having sex, neither of them had discussed it. And Brian had found to his considerable surprise, they were comfortable with each other without the intimacy of sex. They were intimate even when they curled up together to watch a movie or the news. Finding contentment in just kissing each other. Who knew, he reflected, that I could be happy to just taste Justin without having sex with him?

But he redirected his attention when Jennifer rejoined him at the table. She'd gone to the ladies' room to powder her nose leaving him to peruse the menu and sit silently with his own thoughts. "Brian," Jennifer began, glancing at the man who was the closest thing to a son-in-law she'd have for a while.

"Hmm?" he responded, looking at her from over the menu.

"What do you recommend?"

"The coq au vin is wonderful. The chicken marsala is always a good choice. Depends on what you're in the mood for. They have a wonderful chardonnay here that accents the chicken."

In surprise, she found herself studying him with renewed interest. "How do you know all that?"

He raised an eyebrow and said, "You really want to know?"

"Uh huh," she said, voice suddenly reluctant. She reached for her water glass as Brian began to respond.

"Well, I made a meal of the chef," Brian said, a wicked glint in his eyes. "Found a new use for the sauce they use on the marsala. Great on skin. Interesting lubricant for certain orifices," he said.

"Brian," she said, blushing despite herself.

"You asked," he reminded her and she nodded.

The wine steward tentatively approached their table and gave Brian an appraising look. Brian glanced at him, reading the not-so-subtle signals, and shook his head slightly. "I'll have a Glenlivet neat. Jen?"

"A glass of chardonnay, please."

"Yes, sir. Ma'am," the wine steward said, disappearing with their order.

She glanced at him and said, "I think he was interested."

Surprised that she'd noticed, Brian said, shortly, "I wasn't. Besides, it's rude to leave your guest at the table while you go fuck some guy."

Startled, Jennifer looked at him. "I didn't mean to offend you. It's just that I know you and Justin have an open relationship. That you're free to see other men."

"You sure are nonchalant," Brian pointed out, a little surprised by her attitude. "I thought you'd rake me over the hot coals for that. That you think it's appalling that we aren't monogamous. That even though we're partners we still fuck others." He spoke quietly.

It did bother her on some levels that Brian wasn't only fucking her son, that he still cruised, but Jennifer knew better than to pass judgment. After all, it was Justin who, not so long ago, had broken the rules he'd devised at Brian's expense. Leaving the man in front of her, she thought, shattered. So she said only, "Did he ever tell you about the time in high school when I took him to an art gallery after he'd left home to be with you?"

Ouch, Brian thought. Shaking his head, he indicated she should continue. "I was intrigued by a painting of a mother suckling her infant son and Justin said he needed to go to the men's room. When I looked around I saw my son and this other young man disappearing into the bathroom. Well, I'm sure you know the rest."

Brian nodded. He'd never heard this story. "So what happened?"

"I assume Justin had sex with him."

"Well, yeah," Brian said. "Did you say anything to him?"

She shook her head, feeling her face color. "No, I didn't know what to say. Anything I thought of sounded too judgmental. Like I was passing judgment."

"You and Craig had a fairly stable marriage, didn't you? I mean you were used to monogamy and that's part of the reason our relationship bothers you, right?"

Before Jennifer could answer, the wine steward returned with Brian's drink and her glass of wine. Waiting until he'd departed again, she met Brian's gaze directly. "No."

Unable to hide his shock, Brian took a sip of scotch. "Want to tell me about it?"

"You really care?" she shot at him, surprised herself at the venom in her voice.

Brian looked at her. "Yeah, I really care. I wouldn't have asked to observe some social nicety, Jen."

Taking a sip from her own glass of wine, she reappraised Brian. "Craig first started cheating on me when I was pregnant with Justin. I was twenty-one and he was twenty-five. We'd discussed me being a stay-at-home mom and so I played the dutiful Donna Reed role. I had dinner ready for him and leftovers in the oven when he had to work late. One night I decided to surprise him with dinner at the office."

Brian nodded, and she hesitated slightly before continuing. "The security officer let me go up. I found Craig's office and the lights were all off. Then I heard low murmurs coming from the conference room. I walked into the room and saw my husband banging the hell out of some twenty-year-old intern. His pants were down around his ankles and she saw me and screamed at him to stop. Told him that his wife was standing in the door."

Brian felt a surge of anger that she'd been so cuckolded. "Why'd you stay?" he asked, figuring he knew the answer. It was the same answer so many women gave.

"I had no training past a useless degree in Interior Design. Brian, I wasn't prepared to live on my own. And I was expecting a baby. He promised it would never happen again and like a fool I believed him. And I loved him, pretty fucking desperately."

"After Molly was born, why didn't you just take the kids and leave? Why did you stay?" he asked.

Jennifer glanced at him. "Where would I have gone, Brian? To my alcoholic mother's house? Great surroundings for a kid to grow up in."

Brian hesitated then met her eyes directly. "Did Debbie tell you how I grew up? I know you hired the private dick to investigate me but did she ever tell you anything?"

"Not specifics. Just that it was hell for you. That your mother is an alcoholic who stood by and watched when your father used you as a punching bag. She respected your privacy too much to give me specific examples."

Brian smiled sardonically. Before he had a chance to respond, the waiter approached. "Are you ready to order, sir?"

"I'll have the coq au vin. Jen?"

"The chicken marsala."

"Salads?"

"Caesar."

"I'll have the same," Jennifer concurred.

The waiter disappeared with their order and Brian asked, "Do you want me to tell you?"

Understanding that this was a rare occurrence, she shook her head slightly. "Not if you don't want to. I know you don't like me very much."

To her surprise Brian laughed. "You know I would have said the exact same thing. About you," he said. "I respect you, Jen. You've given me chance after chance. Hell, you stood in that bathhouse that smelled of stale come and urine and other fluids and didn't bat an eyelash as you took me around. I like you. You and Debbie are the closest things to a mother that I have."

"I'm only twelve years older than you," she pointed out. But she understood that such a statement was a high compliment, coming as it did from Brian.

"And I'm in love with your son," he pointed out. Then it occurred to him what he'd revealed. Flushing slightly, he reached for his glass of scotch and took a deep swallow. Oh, fuck, he thought. I can't believe I just said that. FUCK!!! FUCK!!!

Jennifer had reached for her glass of chardonnay but then put it down suddenly, pleased that none splashed onto the linen tablecloth. "Mind repeating that?" she said, voice suddenly shaky.

"Repeating what?" Brian asked, knowing that he wasn't going to get out of this one.

"Repeating your last comment. What you said about my son," she reminded him.

Taking a deep breath, Brian said, "I'm in love with your son." Well, he thought, I'm still standing. I'm not a human fireball. The world still spins on its axis when Brian Kinney admits he loves someone. I'm not the eighth wonder of the world.

"That's what I thought you said," Jennifer said, reaching for the glass again.

"Yeah, it just sort of came out," Brian said, embarrassed. "We don't have to tell him, do we?"

She almost laughed at the expression on his face. He looked a bit like his son at that moment, afraid he was going to be called on the carpet for some infraction. "No, Brian, we don't have to tell him. But I have to admit that I'm relieved."

"Relieved?" he echoed.

She nodded. "I thought this was just a fuck thing. That you found my son convenient."

What is it with Taylors and being convenient? Brian wondered. Fighting back a retort of his own, he simply smirked. Discretion is the better part of valor, he reminded himself. "Your son has never been convenient. And it's not just a fuck thing."

Before Jennifer could answer, a familiar male voice said, "Jennifer?"

Two faces looked to see the intruder. Both wore similar expressions of shock and distaste and apprehension. Fuck, Brian thought. He would have been amused to know that Jennifer was thinking the same thing. She reached for her wine glass and took a deep swallow before saying in an arctic tone, "Craig."

To his credit, Brian's face did not betray his instant urge to light into the man. Instead, he sat there calmly sipping his scotch, reminding himself that he did not need to defend his partner's honor or his mother-in-law. Realizing how he'd just referred to Jennifer even in the comfort of his own thoughts, Brian nearly groaned aloud. But then he heard Craig say, voice a low hiss, "What the fuck are you doing with that child molester? How dare you bring him here?"

"It's a public place, Craig. And you don't dictate who I can have dinner with. Besides, isn't that Melissa sitting at the table? Seems she has a glass of wine in front of her and I know for a fact that she isn't much more than eighteen. Who's robbing the cradle now?"

Face flushed with anger, Craig turned to look at Brian. "So it wasn't enough that you corrupted my son? You had to corrupt my wife too. How can you even sit there and meet my eyes?"

Realizing laughter was not an appropriate response, Brian said, "Ex-wife. Like she said, you no longer make her decisions. And it seems Lolita over there is itching for you to come back to her. Must see something she likes. For the life of me, I can't understand why old men like you continually get such young women to suck your cock."

Jennifer began to say something and then realized that this was a conversation long in the making. That even though Brian's words were vitriolic, his tone was low and conversational. He wasn't trying to make a scene, she determined, or become combative. It would be interesting, she mused, to see if her ex-husband could maintain the same control over his emotions as Brian had over his.

"At least I don't molest children," Craig spat at him.

It was Jennifer who laughed at that, causing both ex-husband and near son-in-law to look at her. "She was seventeen when you met her, Craig. The same age Justin was when he met Brian. I advise you to have some courtesy when you address my son-in-law."

He went crimson with rage. "That's different," Craig insisted. "Your son-in-law?! Your fucking son-in-law? What the hell are you playing at, Jennifer?"

"Why because it's pussy and not dick?" Jennifer pointed out. "We were enjoying a pleasant meal. Yes, Brian is the closest thing I have to a son-in-law. At least until Molly gets married. Why don't you leave before you embarrass darling little Melissa and yourself? I think it's time for her to take a nap."

Brian looked at her with respect. She'd just cut his balls off in a very WASP-like manner.

"I think I'll talk to the owner," Craig said, turning to leave.

Brian spoke quietly and forcefully to his back. "Craig, I fucked the owner. And the maitre d. And most of the kitchen staff. Your son was with me when I sucked the owner off. Somehow I think you have less credibility here than Kenneth Lay. So why don't you and your 'date' get the fuck out of here."

"Why you little cocksucker!" Craig nearly shouted as he turned to face Brian. "I should kick your fucking ass."

Aghast, Jennifer could only watch and hope it didn't turn into a full-fledged brawl. But Brian said only, "You're right, Craig. I do suck cock and I do take it up the ass. And your son will still be a faggot. Just like me. Only Justin knew he liked dick long before I ever met him. He sat up in his room, fantasizing about it. About how it feels to ride a dick, have that fullness in your ass. And you have kicked my ass before but it wasn't on equal terms. You always came at me in a chicken shit manner. You totaled my jeep. You bruised my ribs but it never got you anything. In fact, it cost you your son. My gain because I have Justin."

Craig lifted his arm back and Brian stood up. "Let's finish this thing. Like men. Because I can guarantee that you won't be walking away from this. And it won't be me facing charges. Keep in mind that I'm the one who kept your pretty little ass out of county lockup when you hit my jeep. I didn't do that for you." He spared a look at Jennifer who looked stunned. "I did that for your son. I did that for your wife who you've screwed in more ways than one. So please, Mr. Taylor, please hit me. Bust my lip with that fraternity ring you're so fucking proud of. I'll still be the man sleeping with your son. It won't change a thing. I suggest you get the hell out of here before I send you out in an ambulance."

Stunned, Craig dropped his hand to his side, avoiding looking at either his ex-wife or the man who was with his son. Silently he walked away, knowing that the little altercation though quiet had drawn attention. The waiter tentatively approached and asked, "Monsieur Kinney, is everything OK?"

"Yes, Pierre. If that man comes back over here, I want you to call the cops."

As the waiter unobtrusively disappeared again, Brian took a seat, reaching for the linen napkin and wiping his mouth. He slowly looked at Jennifer who was torn between pride and horror.

"If he comes back," Brian said quietly, "I'll press charges. I'll swear out a restraining order."

Jennifer could only nod. "You defended me," she said, still stunned. "I didn't know that when he wrecked our car it was from hitting your jeep."

"Justin didn't tell you?"

She shook her head. "No, he didn't tell me. Hell, if I'd known that, I might have been tempted to encourage you to press charges." Looking at Brian, she said, in a wondering tone of voice, "You'd die to protect my son, wouldn't you? You wouldn't let anything happen to him, would you?"

Slowly Brian shook his head, his eyes meeting her own. "I have something I need to tell you, Mother Taylor."

She grinned. She could see that Craig and his 'date' were leaving. "You got them to leave, Brian."

"I'm only sorry I had to embarrass you to do it. I didn't mean to drag you into it. But he pissed me off. And I'm not a child molester."

"I know that. I know that your relationship with Justin was legal from the start. And I know that when your nephew accused you of molestation, it was Justin who pulled your nuts from the fire."

"Nicely put, Jen," Brian said. "I couldn't have said it much better myself. You know I missed that fucking kid when he was with the fiddler."

"You know the problem with Ethan, Brian?"

He shook his head. "He wasn't you. And you are an original. I understand why Justin fought for you."

Brian had the grace to look embarrassed himself. "I'm not worth it."

"The hell you aren't," she burst out. "You just went toe-to-toe with one of the most influential scions of banking families without batting an eye. You told him that you were the one sleeping with his son and there wasn't a damn thing he could do about it. Brian, you have balls. You're worth every ounce of effort Justin put into a relationship. You've earned the right to consider yourself worthy of his love and mine."

"Yours?"

Taking a deep breath, she said, "Mine. I'm proud to have you as the nearest thing to a son-in-law. I'm proud that my daughter's brother has such a wonderful partner. Somehow I came to love you, Brian. Don't know quite how the hell that happened but it did. And I like it when you call me Mother Taylor. I'm proud to have you as a part of my family."

"You may take that back in a minute," Brian said, unsettled by the praise heaped upon him.

Staring at him, Jennifer sensed a darkness slipping into his eyes. "What's wrong, Brian?"

He took a sip of scotch and met her eyes again, proud of himself for not looking away. "I found out a month and a half ago that I'm sick." Saw the wariness slip into her eyes. "It's not AIDS, Jen. Justin and I are always careful. I was in the backroom at Babylon with a trick and the guy turned out to be a doctor. He told me I had a lump in my scrotum that I should get checked out. That I shouldn't wait too long."

"What happened?" Jennifer said, pleased her voice didn't betray her emotional turmoil.

"I went to the doctor. He told me that I had Stage 1 cancer but that with surgery and radiation, I should be okay. That there was a 99% chance of full recovery. I went to the top specialist and got a prosthetic testicle. Then I went under the knife at Johns Hopkins. I'm fine but I'm going through radiation."

"And your sex life?" She couldn't believe she was actually asking such a personal question. "Sorry if it's intrusive."

"I think you've earned that right. You've seen me naked enough," he said, trying to make light of it. Then he saw the look in her eyes and turned serious again. "I'm currently impotent. And when I'm able to sustain an erection I won't be sharing it with a stranger. I want to be with Justin when I'm fully functioning again."

"That matters to you?"

Draining the glass of scotch, he nodded. "Yeah, it matters. I want to be able to make love to your son again."

"Here I thought you'd say fuck."

Brian winced. "Okay so I have a tendency to be vulgar and explicit on occasion. But it isn't always such a base thing between us. I want it to be slow and gentle. Christ, I'm turning into a fucking dyke here."

"No," Jennifer said, smiling at his discomfort. "You are accepting what it means to be in a relationship. That there are more important things than sex. That intimacy means more than just being inside someone physically. You and Justin have an emotional bond. When it's broken, you both are miserable. I'm glad you told me. I'm glad you trusted me with this, Brian."

"Yeah, well, I needed a Mom."

"Have you told Debbie?"

Brian shook his head. "It's not her son who I'm in love with, Jen. I felt I owed it to you to tell you first. Don't know quite how to tell Deb. I mean she just lost Vic."

"She loves you, Brian. Even when she calls you a fuck-up and an asshole, she still loves you. She'll be there when you need her." She studied the man sitting at the table with her and added, "If you need anything from me, let me know."

"I asked Justin to become a silent partner in Kinnetik. I had a domestic partnership agreement drawn up."

And the hits just keep on coming, she thought. "I thought you didn't believe in gay marriage."

"I don't. But whatever I have with Justin is real. I still can't tell him I love him though apparently I can tell you and Debbie. I want something on record but I don't want it broadcast on Liberty Avenue that Brian Kinney's gone soft."

"Reputation?" she gently needled him.

Looking chagrined, he said, "Like it or not, I've got a reputation. Men know me. Men want to be me. And men want to be Justin because he's with me. I want something between us that is just ours. Can you understand that?"

She nodded. She began to answer and was pre-empted by the arrival of their food. "Sir, has the party you were referring to been handled?"

Brian nodded at the diplomacy of the question. "Yes, I believe he left."

"Ma'am, was he disturbing you?"

Jennifer nodded. "Yes, but Brian handled it. Like a true knight."

Despite himself Brian felt himself begin to preen, like a bird of prey. Then realizing what he was doing, he studied his glass. "Would you like another glass of scotch, sir?"

"Um no. I'll have a bottle of Perrier."

Waiting until he'd left, Jennifer said, "I'm proud of you. I hope you know that."

"I'm not comfortable with all this praise."

"Don't be so modest."

"Me, modest? How can you ask that when you've seen my package?"

Jennifer had the grace to blush. "I didn't look."

Brian laughed. "The hell you didn't. It's okay. I have been with women before."

"Really?"

"I did my share of experimenting with women, Jen. But I knew deep down that what I wanted was dick. That I was attracted to men. But I never thought I'd fall in love. Love to me was a battlefield. I know that's a song and a cliché but it's true. Until I met Justin, I didn't think I was worthy of anyone's love. My dad beat the shit out of me and my mother just watched him. He'd casually backhand her and then that night I'd hear the moans coming from the room as they coupled. I didn't want that for myself."

Jennifer took a bite of her chicken marsala and asked, "You know that Justin's father hit him, didn't you?"

Brian set his fork very carefully down on the table. "When?" The quiet violence inlaid in the frigidity of his tone became clear quite quickly to her.

"When he found out that he was seeing an older man."

"You mean when he found out about me, Craig hit Justin?"

She nodded. "You didn't know," she said quietly.

"No, he didn't tell me."

"He hit him once and Justin said that he could hit him all he wanted and he'd still be his faggot son. Then he walked away. I assume he wound up at the loft that night."

"Christ," Brian said, lifting up his fork again. But he'd lost his appetite. "I didn't know, Jennifer."

Staring at him, she asked another question. "Would you have done things differently if you had known?"

Brian took a bite, carefully chewed, and then deliberately swallowed before answering. It could have been cardboard he was eating for all the enjoyment he was getting out of his meal. "If I'd known Craig hit him when I sat in your living room that day, I would never have asked Justin if he wanted to go with me. I would have told him that he was coming with me. It wouldn't have been a choice."

"That makes that much of a difference?"

Brian looked at her incredulously. "Jenn, he almost died because of some homophobic asshole with a bat. Does it really matter that the man who hit him was the one whose seed enabled his conception? He still fucking hit him. And that pisses me off. Yeah, if I'd known things would have been different. I would have pressed charges. Because once someone opens that outlet to violence it's pretty hard to re-seal it. Batterers don't tend to stop. Serial killers don't stop. And child abusers don't stop. It's a cycle of violence and I wouldn't have left anyone in that situation." Especially not someone I love, he thought.

Jennifer took another bite before responding. "You loved him. Even that early in your relationship, you loved him."

Debating whether or not to refute the allegation, Brian settled on a truth. "I cared about him. When he told me he was considering going away to Dartmouth because that's what Craig wanted, I felt something rip in my heart. But when I showed up at prom, my feelings were there for all to see. It was the most naked I've ever been. I was telling the whole world that I loved your son. Love your son. And it kills me that he doesn't remember it. You know we went to a couples' counselor a few days ago?"

"Justin didn't mention it. He voluntarily went to a shrink?"

Brian's lips curled into something that could loosely be described as a smile. "No, not really. But he went because he knew it was important to me. I nearly told your son in that session that I love him. But for some reason there's a psychological roadblock that prevents me from telling him how I really feel. When we took a break a few weeks ago, it wasn't because I was cheating on him. It was because he found out I had cancer and I didn't want him to see me vulnerable. I didn't want him to see me sick, that I wasn't whole anymore. Not perfect anymore."

Jennifer's heart broke for him; for them. "When you love someone, you let them see the bad stuff as well as the good."

"I know that," Brian said. "Intellectually I know that. But emotionally I'm still a scared teenager. Love is scary to me. Even knowing that, Justin loves me because of my faults and flaws."

"Justin's good like that. He loves you pretty fucking desperately, Brian."

Brian gave a wry chuckle. "I know. He's come back to me. And God knows I haven't made it easy on him. It's not easy loving me or being in a relationship with me. I know I'm an emotional cripple but he still fights for me. He stood up to my mother after we reconciled. He stood up to my sister a few days ago. And somehow he saw something in me that he thought was worth salvaging. I owe your son a lot. Including my life."

He began to eat again and Jennifer picked up her own fork. Studying him she could see that Brian had aged in some subtle ways. But she knew better than to say that aloud. "You're a good man."

"I'm not Charlie Brown."

Jennifer laughed. "No, you're not. You are who you are. You shouldn't have to apologize for that. I stopped resenting you a long time ago."

"You resented me?"

"For a while. Because you had my son. I didn't think I could share Justin with another person." She paused, then continued, "But you gave him back to me. You gave me back my son. And I would rather share him with you than not have him at all."

"You give me far too much credit."

"And the self-effacing shit doesn't work for you, Brian. It's not who you are."

"I'm impressed," he said.

"And I'm on to you."

Return to Acknowledging Fears