Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 2

Justin awoke the next morning to find he was alone in bed. "Brian?" he hesitantly inquired.

"In here."

Sliding out of bed, he padded into the living room. "How long have you been up?" he asked, as he joined Brian at his desk.

"Since five. Couldn't sleep. I guess I slept too much yesterday. Sent an e-mail to Michael."

"Really?"

"Yeah. You gonna tell me what happened with that?" Paused. "I didn't give you much of a chance to explain before I threw you out." Not one of his more graceful reactions, Brian knew. He had more of the drama queen in him than he liked to admit. That had been one of his more sensational displays and he wasn't proud of it, or of hurting Justin like he had.

Brian took a sip from his mug of coffee, noticed Justin's look, and smiled ruefully. "It's decaf. As strong as I could make it."

"Did I say anything?"

"You didn't have to. The look said it all."

"Sorry. So you want to know what happened? I wasn't snooping or trying to pry into your business. You were in the shower and the phone rang. Your answering machine picked up and the doctor said he was calling from Johns Hopkins to discuss your post-surgery options. I didn't know what the fuck to think. I guess I just panicked. So I assumed you'd told Michael."

"Why the fuck would you think that?" Brian asked, knowing exactly why Justin would think that. Despite them being partners there were still walls that remained firmly entrenched in his psyche. But slowly they were beginning to crumble. It was just taking time.

"I panicked," Justin repeated. "I went by the comic book store and asked him if he knew and he said no. But I should pretend like I didn't know anything was wrong."

Michael, thanks a fucking lot! "You should know by now that Mikey doesn't always have your best interests in mind." Brian sighed, then said, "It pissed me off that you knew and didn't say anything. I felt like a fucking fool when Michael told me that you'd told him. I knew you knew something was up when I came back and we didn't fuck. Or shower together. Christ, Justin, that was one of our most enjoyable activities. Or when I started closing the door to piss."

"You were going to tell me?" he asked, unable to hide the skepticism.

The look Brian gave him shocked him. "Yes," he ground out. "I knew that of anyone you could handle it. That you wouldn't coddle me, that you'd treat me like a man. You're the strongest person I know, Justin. I was going to fucking tell you. I just didn't know how. We've been back together for almost seven months. It was a hell of a thing to drop on you."

"I don't want to lose you."

"We all gotta go sometime." Fuck me. I didn't intend to say that aloud. He saw Justin's face begin to crumple, a tell-tale sign that he was going to get emotional. "Shit, I'm sorry. They caught it in Stage 1. With surgery and follow-up radiation treatment there is a 99% survival rate."

Understanding the rationale behind Brian's response, "Thanks. So they got it all?"

"Yeah. But there's always a chance it could come back. We need to be prepared for that. We? He thought. Well, fuck, there could be worse things. I could be handling this alone. Or I could be under Joan Kinney's loving care. He shuddered, thinking of that.

"So no caffeine, no smoking, no---"

Before Justin could run through the litany of things the doctor had tried to tell Brian, Brian said, as nonchalantly as he could, "Less indiscriminate fucking."

Justin's mouth dropped open. Brian couldn't help but laugh at Justin's reaction. He couldn't have been more surprised if Brian had told him that he was really a breeder. "You serious?"

Though Brian had never considered monogamy as the lifestyle choice for him, he had drastically cut down on the amount of tricks. That could possibly have to do with the fact that after the bet, he'd found out that there was a lump in his ball. But even before the testicular cancer had been diagnosed, he'd been playing less and more frequently just with Justin. There were benefits to having a horny twenty-year-old in his life he'd come to realize even though he was worn out on occasion. Justin was a match for him on more than one level.

"Yeah, I'm serious."

Coming straight to the point, he asked, "You doing this because you feel like you're not good enough or cause you just want to fuck me?"

"Both," he admitted, honestly. "Justin, it's not just fucking."

"What are you saying?"

Brian had to take a deep breath. "I'm saying that you were right. When I thought I was going to have to sell the loft, you said that it was where we made love for the first time. That's true. That day after Gus' birthday party when you remembered being hit by that fucker, I didn't fuck you. That was me making love to you. And when we got back together after the fucking fiddler, I made love to you. Yeah, it was intense as hell, but it was about more than just getting off. It's always been more with you."

"So?"

"I can't promise forever. Hell, I can't even promise you a year, but I'm not running anymore." Reminded him of the time he'd caught the young blond and told him about him not believing in relationships, only in fucking. God, how things had changed. Like dealing with baseball bats and homophobic football jocks, hustlers, aborted trips, fucking violin players. Now cancer. Anything else the universe wants to throw at me and Justin? Brian inquired.

"I never asked you to give up your life for me."

Brian smiled. "No, you didn't. I changed because somewhere along the line I realized that all the tricks weren't making me happy."

"Oh," Justin said, stunned speechless. Then, he smiled warily. "Any other surprises?"

Brian hesitated slightly. There was a lot he had just laid on the kid. And there was more that was even heavier. "Yeah, you could say that. There's some paperwork I need you to look at and sign."

"Paperwork?"

Shit, I don't want to put him through this. But it has to be done. "Yeah. I left my briefcase in the bedroom. Do you mind getting it?"

"Sure," Justin said, dread creeping into his voice. At times, he wondered if Brian forgot he was not even twenty. He'd have been surprised to learn that was never far from Brian's thoughts. Justin's age had been at the forefront of his mind since he'd heard the words cancer in the doctor's office.

A few minutes later, Justin returned with the black leather briefcase. He handed it to Brian and stood next to him. Before Brian spoke, he laid a hand on top of Justin's so that their fingers were intertwined. "When Gus was born, Linz and Melanie asked me to buy a life-insurance policy. In the amount of a million dollars." He couldn't hide the bitterness. Even after three years, it still pissed him off as had Melanie's rationale behind the request. Though now it was testicular cancer rather than his perceived dangerous lifestyle that might cost him his life. Well, he'd always wanted to go out in a blaze of glory like Cobain or Dean. Hell, even like Jimi Hendrix.

"I remember," Justin's quiet words cut into his thoughts. He'd been there the night Brian had decided to sign away his parental rights, had known how it cut his lover to the core to do that even though it was what was best for Gus.

"When you and I got back together and I realized that it wasn't a rebound, I went to the insurance agency and took out a secondary policy." Brian said, removing a sheaf of official looking documents from the briefcase. He handed them to Justin. "When we talked about being partners, I didn't look at it lightly. There were more dimensions and I didn't think of it as a joke. I was dead fucking serious when we talked about it. So, I took out a policy naming you as a partial beneficiary. The amount's different but I wanted you taken care of."

Justin paled. He took the paperwork, flipping through it, and then he gasped as he saw the dollar amount. "Brian, you didn't have to do this. Holy fucking Christ."

"Yep, that was pretty much my insurance agent's reaction." Brian tried to joke but knew that Justin was stunned and not altogether pleased with him.

"But $750, 000 dollars. Brian, you're not gonna die." Goddammit, he's not gonna fucking die on me. Not when we have so much left to do.

"Not now. But I will. And I want you taken care of. You and Linz. Gus and Michael. You are the four most important people in my life and I'll be damned if you get screwed by my death. I won't do that to you."

The two stared at each other as understanding dawned and a new plateau in their non-conventional, slightly fucked up relationship was reached.

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