Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 16

Author's Note: There's a bit more background in this session because the doctor's talking to Justin about his relationship with Brian. But I try to wade through it.

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Sitting alone in the waiting room had given Justin time to think. It had been a rough couple of days. He still didn't know what his ex wanted, his current lover had a dead daughter he'd never heard about until the night before, and now there was a best friend he'd never heard Brian mention. As Pittsburgh Turns, he thought.

When Brian walked out of the office, Justin noticed how he looked. "You okay?"

Mute, Brian only nodded. He couldn't talk. "She'll see you now."

Okay, he thought, at least he's not talking in monosyllables. He stood and walked to the door, glancing back at Brian. He knew his reluctance was nearly palpable. But he knew how important this was to Brian. For Brian, he thought, gathering courage.

"Hello, Justin. It's nice to finally meet you," Miranda said, as the door closed behind the younger man.

Has he talked about me before? Justin wondered. He gave a tentative smile. "So what do you want to know?"

"Start at the beginning."

He looked at her. "The very beginning?"

"Well give me the Cliff's Notes version," she amended. "You know that what I talked about with Brian is protected so I can't tell you about that."

Justin nodded. Leaning back in the chair, Miranda noticed how different their reaction was. "I realized I was gay when I was sixteen. I got hard seeing images of the guys in magazines and then in the locker room. I'd see a well-hung guy and imagine going down on him. I fingered my hole at night when the house was sleeping until I was able to fit two in my hole."

To her credit, Miranda didn't display any visible reaction. "Did you have any experience with that?"

"No," Justin said. "My right hand was my only experience. I jerked off a lot. My best friend Daphne was the first person I told I was gay."

"When did you decide that you wanted to do something about it?"

"Senior year. I was seventeen and horny."

"Where did you go?"

"Um, you know all this. Brian's told you about this."

Miranda smiled at him. "Yes, but I want to get your impressions. Brian has his own views and biases of the events. I want to hear your side of the story."

"Well, I went down to Liberty Avenue. I knew it was the gay part of town. I knew if I wanted an introduction that was where I needed to be."

"Were you scared?"

"Shitless," Justin said, remembering how nervous he'd been standing in Brian's loft that first night. "But I wanted to get laid. I remember approaching some older guy and getting a rundown of the clubs. Then he told me to go home to my mommy because it was a school night."

She could imagine this incredibly well-possessed young man being told that. But she let Justin continue with his side of the story. "I walked away and ended up standing under a streetlight. I was debating whether or not to just go home."

"What happened next?"

"Brian walked out of the club. He started to get into his jeep and then stopped as he looked at me. He asked me if I'd had a busy night. He was the hottest guy I'd ever seen," Justin remembered.

"So you were immediately attracted to him?"

"Hell, yes. He dumped his friends and took me back to his loft."

"What happened then?"

Justin looked at her. "Miranda, you really do know all of this."

"I want to hear your impressions of that first night then we can fast-forward. I don't need to hear about every single time you and Brian fucked."

Hearing her say fuck made Justin smile. Seeing the reaction, she said, "I'm not your typical shrink. You can say anything you want to me, within reason. You don't have to censor your thoughts or feelings or reactions. I've seen Brian naked, remember. I know he's well-hung."

Justin nodded. "He stripped off his shirt then went to the fridge to get a bottle of water. He poured it on himself and then shook his head, water droplets beading on his face and chest."

"What did you want to do?"

"I wanted to see his dick. You want the blow-by-blow?'

Oh yeah she could definitely see why Brian was drawn to this young man. "Not every little detail but the main structure of the night's events."

Shrugging, Justin continued. "He asked me if I liked Special K. I was so fucking naïve I thought he was talking about cereal."

"When did you realize he meant ketamine?" Brian, she thought. It's a wonder you never overdosed.

"When he said that he didn't mean the kind you eat with milk and bananas. Then I started babbling about my allergies, how I'm allergic to Tylenol and codeine." Remembering that first night, Justin began to get into the story. "He asked me if I was going or coming and then going or coming and staying. I don't think he realized how I'd interpret the last part of that statement. I told him I was coming and staying then I stepped towards him, tossing away my shirt."

"Were you turned on at this point?"

"Um, yeah. I initiated a kiss which Brian returned, cupping my balls with his hand as he drew me up against him. So I could feel his hard-on pressing through his jeans."

"Did you want him to fuck you?"

"Yeah," Justin said. "We wound up in the bedroom with me naked on my back with Brian jacking me off, asking me about positions and what I liked to do in bed."

"What did you say?"

"Again I was clueless. I went on about Tomb Raider and other stuff and then Brian finally said something about whether or not I liked rimming. I said sure even though I had no idea what the hell that was."

"So even though you knew you liked men you were still a bit naïve about the particulars of homosexual sex."

"Yeah, I guess I was. I mean I knew about oral sex and anal sex but the other things that men do to each other I was pretty much in the dark. I must have seemed like an ignorant fool to Brian."

"Go on."

"Brian continued to jack me off and then the phone rang. It was Melanie telling him that Lindsay had gone into labor. I didn't know about them at this point. Hell, I didn't even know Brian's name. I was about to shoot and I kept trying to get Brian's attention but he was deep in the conversation. When I shot my load, he was pissed. Then he called Michael to tell him that Gus had been born. So Brian returned to the bedroom telling me I needed to go. I'd pulled on my shirt and was just about to get dressed when I blurted out something about my parents' thinking I was at a friend's house."

"How'd he respond?"

"He asked me how old I was," he said, remembering the missile launch conversation. "Finally I told him I was seventeen."

"Did you know how old Brian was?"

"Not for a while. I didn't know he was twenty-nine at that point. He asked me if it was my first time. I told him yes. He told me about walking into the shower with all his clothes on and sucking the coach off but that he didn't remember anymore about it."

It occurred to Miranda that after four years Brian still didn't trust Justin enough to tell him the whole truth about the events of that fateful day. And it wasn't up to her to reveal it.

"So you two went to the hospital?"

"Yeah, we picked up Michael. I named Gus and then Brian and Michael came back down from the roof. We left and Brian and I sat in the backseat. He was flying on something when he came back down, E. Anyway, he started to go down on me when Michael swerved to hit a phantom dog. Brian was pissed. Michael said that I was going home and Brian said I was going home with him."

"What did you end up deciding?"

"That there was no chance in hell that I wasn't going with Brian. Michael was pissed. It was obvious even then that he was jealous and possessive."

"What happened when you got back to the loft?"

"Brian went down on me, giving me the greatest orgasm I'd ever had. When we finally reached the bedroom, he told me to lie on my stomach. He proceeded to rim me. Then finally he fucked me."

"Was it what you expected?"

"It hurt a bit but yeah I wanted to feel the fullness of Brian's dick up my ass. There's nothing like feeling him hitting your prostate on every stroke."

"Did he say anything to you while he was fucking you?"

Justin stared at her. Is it possible that Brian told her what he denied ever saying? "Um, he told me he loved me when he was about to shoot. We spent the rest of the night fucking. He taught me how to give him a blow job. Told me that we'd have to save rimming for another time."

"So when they dropped you off at school the next morning you thought you'd see Brian again?"

"Yeah," Justin said. "I told Daphne I'd seen the face of God and his name was Brian Kinney."

It took effort for her not to laugh. "Does Brian know you likened him to God?"

"No. He has a big enough ego as it is. He doesn't need a God complex."

At that, she did laugh. "Okay, you've got a good sense of humor. Let's fast forward to you leaving him."

"You don't want to talk about the bashing?"

"Not in this session, no. And I'm going to refer you to someone. It's not ethical for me to see both of you."

"What about joint sessions? Couples therapy?"

"I thought you were reluctant about this whole talking to shrink thing."

"I care about Brian. I think we need help with this whole relationship thing. Neither one of us came from the greatest family background. But mine was a whole lot better than Brian's."

Miranda nodded. "I'll think about it," her response was non-committal.

Realizing that was all he was going to get, he nodded. "For my nineteenth birthday, Lindsay and Melanie took me to see a violin recital. Brian felt that birthdays weren't a reason for celebration. I didn't understand that at the time but I do now. So at the recital I met Ethan."

"Were you immediately attracted to him?"

"No, I thought he was a brilliant player. But I loved Brian. And I didn't think he was gay."

"When you returned home that night what happened?"

"Brian said he had a surprise for me. I think I said no fucking way. I couldn't believe that he'd actually done something when he'd been so vehement about not celebrating."

"Had Brian done something?"

"Yeah," Justin said, pain creeping into his voice. "He bought me a hustler."

"Were you upset?"

"Yeah, I was hurt. I didn't want roses or a big show from Brian. A card would've been nice. But I didn't want to come home and fuck a hustler. I wanted to be with him."

"Did you tell Brian that?"

"This is Brian we're talking about," he reminded her. "No, I didn't tell him. I knew he'd probably spent between three and five hundred bucks on this guy."

"Was the hustler attractive?" Miranda asked, appalled that Brian thought this was a good choice.

"He was okay. Not hot. Well-hung," Justin said.

"Did you wind up fucking him?"

"Yeah," Justin said, remembering it as one of the least pleasurable experiences of his life.

"What did Brian do while you fucked the hustler?"

"Stood in the corner of the room and jacked off."

"Did you want him to participate? Turn it into a threesome?"

"No. I wanted to come and then get the guy out of the loft as quickly as possible."

"Did you tell Brian how it hurt you?"

"No, I didn't want to seem ungrateful. Besides, I got off and the hustler got off."

Miranda looked at him. "Justin, we can take a break if you want to. I know rehashing all this is difficult."

"We haven't gotten to the painful stuff yet. And we still have the cancer to talk about. I'm fine."

"You want a cigarette or anything?"

"Um yeah. I could use the nicotine."

Handing him a cigarette, she waited as he lit it. Taking a deep pull on the cigarette, Justin sat back in his chair. "When did you first go to Ethan?"

"After the birthday. I was upset that my boyfriend thought a hustler was an appropriate birthday present."

"Did you wind up sleeping with him?"

"Yes."

"Did Brian find out?"

"Yes."

"How did Brian find out?"

"Michael saw me kissing Ethan on the street. He told Brian that I was cheating on him."

"Had Brian seemed suspicious before that?"

"I think he knew something was up. I'd come in and shower before I'd be with him."

"Did you two have rules?"

"Yes. One of those was no repeats, another was no names and numbers exchanged."

"Who came up with these rules?"

"I did."

"So it was you who broke them? Not Brian."

Justin stared at her. He nodded slowly. "Yeah, I'm the one who broke them. I broke them when I went to a party at Daphne's and fucked this other boy. It was his first time and I went slow. I kissed him."

"Was that against the rules?"

"Yes. I'd made up that rule because it bothered me seeing Brian kiss Michael."

Miranda sighed. "Okay, let's fast forward to the night of the Rage party."

"Were you intending on leaving that night with Ethan?"

"No. I intended to break it off with Ethan because I loved Brian. Brian was my boyfriend."

"What happened to change that?"

"One of our friends told me that Brian wanted to see me. When I went back to find him I found Brian fucking the actor playing Rage."

"Were you hurt?"

"Yeah. I figured that I didn't matter to Brian."

"What happened then?"

"I walked back out to the crowd and saw Ethan there. Brian had come out behind me and we looked at each other. Brian lifted up his mask and I could see the pain in his eyes. But he didn't say anything. I went to Ethan and kissed him and then walked out with him."

"Did you think that you'd hurt Brian?"

"I thought I'd hurt his pride."

"And now?"

"I think I cut him to the quick. I could have handled things differently. I shouldn't have left him in front of all those people without talking to him."

"Were you still in love with him?"

"Yes. I think I'll always be in love with Brian."

"It didn't last long with Ethan. Why was that?"

"He cheated on me with some groupie he'd met at a concert in Harrisburg."

"Why did Ethan's infidelity bother you so much?"

"Because he had made me a promise. He gave me a ring. He told me he loved me."

"Has Brian ever said those words to you?"

"Not those exact words, no. But I know he does. We couldn't have been through the things we've been through if we didn't love each other."

Since she agreed, Miranda nodded. "When you got back together was it easy?"

"No. That first weekend we barely stirred out of bed. We fucked each other till it was hard for me to walk. But we had shit to work through. Our reconciliation wasn't easy for either of us. I hurt him and I felt guilty for hurting him."

"So Brian was in control?"

"Yeah. In my relationship with Ethan I was the top. But with Brian, I've nearly always been the bottom. He calls me his bossy bottom."

"Do you mind being the submissive?"

"No. I said I love it when Brian fucks me. For a long time, it bothered me that he didn't let me top more but I don't mind riding him."

She smiled. "You love him."

"More than my life."

Interesting choice of words, she thought. "Okay, you two are partners, right?"

He nodded. "Yeah. Loosely defined partners. But yeah."

"So are you two monogamous?"

"No. We're free to fuck other men."

"Have you?"

"Not recently, no."

"Has Brian?"

"Not since before the surgery. I don't know how often he was tricking before the diagnosis."

"So when you found out he had cancer how did you feel?"

"Like the bottom was falling out of my world. Brian and I have fought too fucking long for this relationship for something like this to rip us apart. I felt angry and hurt that he didn't tell me that he was sick. I felt like this was something you should share with your partner."

"Did you feel guilty?" It was a variation on the same question she'd asked Brian.

"Guilty?" Then her meaning occurred to him. "Yeah, I feel guilty that it wasn't me who found the lump in his testicle. I spend enough time going down on him that I should have noticed if something was amiss, if something was wrong with his sac."

She noticed that his words mirrored Brian's own. "So you feel guilty."

"Yeah, I feel like I failed him somehow. That this was something I should have caught. This is something Brian shouldn't have heard from a stranger who had just swallowed his load. It should have been someone who cared about more than the size of his dick who told him something like this. Someone who loves him."

"Have you told Brian this?"

Justin shook his head. "No. I'm not with him out of some misguided sense of guilt or loyalty. I'm with him because I love him and he's my lover. He's my partner. Hell, he's my whole fucking world at times." Looking at her he continued, "I know it's not healthy to be so fucking dependent on someone but at times it feels like we're each other's life blood. We're just that connected."

"What would you do if Brian died?"

Tears stood in Justin's eyes. "Honestly?"

"Yeah."

"I'd go on because I know he'd want me to. But I'd want to follow Brian right into that black oblivion. My life isn't really worth shit without him in it."

"But he frustrates you and irritates you."

"Yeah, well love isn't about never having to say you're sorry. And Brian's Brian. There are some people you turn away from and some you embrace. There are some you go after in a way that is balls to the wall because they're worth it. He's in the latter category. I'm the one he turned to after the Stockwell debacle. He could have kicked me out then for essentially fucking him out of a job but he didn't. We stood and fought for something we believed in. I know he says that it's because Stockwell was closing down the baths and the backrooms of the sex clubs but that's not all there was to it. Deep down, he has an innate sense of right and wrong, a moral code. And he knew that our way of life was on its way to being disenfranchised. I'm strong without Brian. Brian's strong without me. But together we're a force to be reckoned with. We're better together than we are apart."

"Do you think he feels the same way?" She thought Brian would agree with that last statement.

He'd lost some of his momentum. "I don't know. I didn't even know about Sabrina until last night. I know very little about Brian's past other than that I'm very glad his dad's dead and can't cause him any more pain. His mom's no better. I think Brian has a very fucked up image of himself. When he holds up the mirror he sees someone he isn't. He's kind and compassionate. He's giving. He feels things deeper than we give him credit for. I think he loves me. Whether or not he's ever going to say it is another story."

"Was his inability to tell you how he felt a contributing factor to you leaving him for Ethan?"

"Yes."

"And now?"

"I forgot for a little while who Brian was. How Brian operates. I know he loves me. I wouldn't have come back to him if I didn't believe that."

"So you're willing to stand and fight for him?"

"Abso-fuckin-lutely."

Miranda couldn't help grinning. "You know I think Brian found his match."

"You aren't the first to say that, Doc. I fell in love with the man before I really knew him. I knew there was something I wanted in him more than I wanted his dick. Brian seems to live his life following his dick's lead but there's more to him than that."

"So you love the man despite his faults?"

"No," Justin corrected her. "I love the man because of his faults and his flaws. They're what make him Brian."

"So you're willing to protect and defend him? Stand by him if he's sick and when he's healthy?"

"Yes." He looked at her. "You know that sounds an awful lot like vows."

"I know," Miranda said, putting her pen down.

"You wouldn't say this to Brian, would you?"

"Not in this exact way, no. He's as perceptive as you, Justin. And Brian's been hurt enough in his life. He doesn't need more pain."

"That's what hurt me the most. When I left him, I think I forgot for a time just how much I'd be hurting him. That I was rejecting the core of his being. That I was rejecting who he was. Brian needs to feel love even when he denies it as unimportant. He didn't get that at home. I remember the way his mother so coldly dismissed him when she found out that he was gay."

Miranda nodded. "What happened that day, Justin?"

"We'd been fucking nonstop for a while because I stole our friend Ted's Viagra. Brian didn't really need it because he's like the Energizer bunny as is but I was feeling adventurous. We were just getting ready for another round when we heard a pounding on the door. It was his mom. Fastest way to get Brian to lose an erection is for a family member to show up. Anyway, I walked down the stairs and Mrs. Kinney clued in really fucking fast that I wasn't Goldilocks. She told Brian he was going to hell. That she was ashamed of him. It hurt Brian. He was quiet for most of the afternoon. I let him be."

"So you know what to do when Brian's hurt?"

"Yes. I know when he needs space or when he needs me to be with him without saying anything. I know what to do when's he's been tree'd."

Miranda nodded. She liked the way he phrased things. "Shall we call the lion in?"

"Uh huh."

Brian was right, Justin acknowledged. He did like her. Going to the door, he beckoned Brian to come and join them.

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