Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 14

Justin thought about the events of the morning as they rode back to the loft. Brian had retreated behind his cool exterior. He was sure that this had been an emotionally wrenching couple of days that had only been aggravated by the fact that his typical mode of coping was temporarily on hold. So Justin did not even say anything when Brian reached over to the glove compartment and removed a pack of Marlboro Lights. He simply waited as Brian lit one, and then offered him the pack, which Justin declined.

"Brian."

"Hmm."

"You sure you want me to go with you to Dr. Jameson's?" It wasn't that he wanted to get out of it, which he did, but he was worried about the aftermath.

"Sunshine, you're always trying to get me to share things with you. And when I finally do, you are tentative. What's up with that?"

Wow, that was really observant. "Uh."

"Elucidate, Sunshine. You know, form one word after another. It's not that difficult."

Justin shot him a look. Despite everything, he was grateful for the sarcasm. Before he could elucidate as Brian had put it, he was granted a temporary reprieve when the man's cell phone rang. "Kinney." Justin handed him the earpiece so he didn't have to hold the phone as he drove.

"Hey, Doc. What's up?"

At Miranda's office, she leaned back in her chair and restrained herself from sighing. She'd only known him since they were both five. She'd been the first to see the bruises and know what was going on in the Kinney household. It had been she at age 10 that had let a bruised Brian in through her window. It was she who had bathed his forehead with a washcloth when the migraines first hit him due to a blow on his temple, courtesy of his dad. Hell, she was the one who suspected he had an ulcer. An ulcer before he became a teenager. Joan Kinney made Joan Crawford look like a saint.

"Brian Aidan Kinney. You want to tell me what the fuck is wrong?" Okay, so that wasn't the most professional thing she could've said but he could piss her off like no other person in her life.

"Nice to hear from you too," Brian snarked. He glanced at Justin and mouthed Miranda's name. "I needed an appointment. I'm bringing Justin with me. Never thought I'd hear you turn down paying clients."

Okay, that had Miranda wishing for a cigarette. So she rooted through her Dolce & Gabbana handbag for the engraved silver cigarette case and withdrew one. Lighting it, Miranda exhaled before saying, "Well, you know your money keeps me in Manolos and Gucci. Last I heard your money kept you in boys." Catty, she realized. But true.

That had Brian glaring and regretting mentioning to her the nights he'd fucked a substitute for Justin. "Nice, Miranda. Real fucking nice."

Recognizing she'd hit a nerve, she switched topics, "Brian, I'll want to talk to you first. And then talk to both you and Justin. How are you doing?"

"I met Lindsay today at the cemetery," Brian said. "Doc, I'm not going to have to pay you for this telephone consultation, am I?"

She laughed. "I'll tack it on to your next bill. No, seriously, I'll see you at three-thirty. Bri, remember that I know things about you that your partner doesn't know. Things Michael doesn't know. Later."

He did and that simple fact terrified him. It occurred to him to wonder what secrets Miranda might divulge and then he realized that it would be covered under patient confidentiality. "Later."

"Well?"

"Jesus. She wants to talk to me first and then talk to you. I think you'll like her."

"Uh huh." So he was skeptical. He had a right to be wary. It wasn't as if he'd had the best experience talking to shrinks.

"Just do this for me. Please." Brian said. He couldn't stop thinking about the vision at the cemetery. Yeah, he figured it was due to sleep deprivation and emotional exhaustion but it had him wondering. After all he was of Celtic and Irish heritage. Second sight was all too common but he'd always considered himself way too pragmatic to believe in that. Considered it hokey bullshit to entertain naïve children with at bedtime. "You want to go anywhere?" He realized he was uncomfortable and didn't particularly want to go home just yet

He tossed the cigarette out the window as Justin waited. Then, he said, "Uh, Brian. I was thinking about sketching you."

Brian turned onto Tremont and stopped the `vette in front of their building. He faced Justin. "Why don't you want to draw yourself?"

Because I don't know who I am anymore. "You've always been my favorite subject."

This was true, Brian conceded. "Let me think about it."

"That's a no."

Exasperation evident in his tone, "It's not a no. It's an I'll think about it. If I was turning you down flat, you'd know."

Since that was true also, Justin smiled. It wasn't as radiant as his usual Sunshine smile but it was a start. Christ, what have I done to you? Brian wondered. Where did the young man go who had lights dancing in his eyes? When did you begin to change? Harden, he wondered, realizing that in a lot of ways the ebullient Justin was gone.

Once in the loft, Brian pushed the answering machine button. "Okay, Brian. Where the fuck are you?"Mikey whined.

"Brian, you've got that concept presentation for Brown in a week. We really need your thoughts on it. And you need to consider expanding your portfolio." Ted.

"Just calling to confirm our lunch. Hi, honey."Jennifer.

Delete. Delete. Delete.

Justin had disappeared into the bathroom, emerging in a FCUK t-shirt that was tighter than Brian remembered it being. He bit his lip. "Justin."

He turned to him, questioning look in his eyes. "Lindz asked me why you don't let me go down on you. I told her that it is because you don't think it's fair when I can't get off."

"True."

"What if I told you that more than anything right now I want to eat your ass? I want to taste your cock. Lick your balls clean after you've shot your load." He was well aware that he was close to begging and it wasn't something he did gracefully. Dancing in the flames left you susceptible to getting burned.

"I'd say it was cruel and unusual punishment. For you."

Brian stalked towards him, a lion scenting out his prey. He tossed the shirt near the bedroom then began to pull the t-shirt over his chest. Realized that he was about to put himself in Justin's hands and he was fucking terrified. Wondered for a moment if this was how Justin had felt after the bashing. If he'd been scared, thought that he was no longer beautiful and perfect in Brian's eyes. His hands went down to the buttons of his jeans and he was about to push them over his hips when Justin's softly spoken words stopped him. "Are you sure?"

"Yeah. I want you to see me." And it was true. He wanted more than anything for Justin to see him as he was now. That wasn't to say he was unaware of the fact that it would be making him more vulnerable than he was comfortable being. Brian stepped out of the jeans, then walked up the stairs, aware of Justin's eyes on him, following his every movement.

He lay down on the bed and waited as Justin crawled up next to him. Brian's eyes had darkened to a color akin to storm cloud gray. He hooked his fingers in the briefs and raised his hips as he began to draw them down. Justin's voice stopped him. "Brian, are you sure?" He certainly didn't want Brian to do anything he wasn't ready to do. Knew that would be more damaging to Brian's psyche than anything else and would surely cause resentment later.

Brian hesitated, looking directly into Justin's open blue eyes. "Yeah, I'm sure," his voice was incredibly soft, his own eyes guarded.

He fully removed the briefs and tossed them in a corner of the room. He shut his eyes as he felt Justin straddle him, knees on either side of his hips. It took serious control for him not to leap off the bed and seek refuge in the bathroom. But he felt Justin's hand gently cup his balls, felt a finger trace the scar on his sac, and he couldn't help hissing, before forcing himself to relax. Brian felt Justin hesitate then heard him say, "You trust me, don't you? You know that I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, right?"

Brian couldn't say anything. He felt Justin touch the ball that was artificial. "Feels different doesn't it. Plastic feels different." When the doctor had shown him the prosthetic balls, he'd carefully determined the one most similar to his own size and heft. Though he knew it wasn't a direct match. Understanding that he was losing something integral to his very existence.

"No. It feels like you." And it did. Same size just a different texture.

Brian felt Justin drape himself fully clothed over him and opened his eyes hesitantly. "You know, I believe this is one of the few times we've done this without it being some kind of sexual foreplay."

"I love you, Brian."

Brian met his eyes. "So you're really okay with this?"

"Yeah, I'm really okay with this. I don't love you because of your balls. I love you. The man not the appendages."

"The reason I probably can't fuck you right now is more psychological than physical, Justin. It's more a matter of me feeling less than whole than a physical reaction to the radiation."

Since he'd recently brushed up on the Kinney Operating Manual, courtesy of Michael, he simply nodded. "So we take it slow. Easy. No pressure. No hurry."

"You know it wouldn't hurt if you'd jack off in front of me every once in a while. If you'd let me at least taste you. Maybe then I wouldn't keep seeing images of the doctor popping my diseased ball out into a kidney tray."

Justin's eyes became wide. "Are you having nightmares?" He knew all about nightmares. It had only been Brian who sat up with him when he had flashbacks of the night he'd gotten hurt. He still didn't fully remember that night but he had nightmares every so often.

"Yeah," he admitted, knowing it cost him something. "I wake up in a cold sweat. I keep seeing Vic. Like someone up there is trying to tell me something about my life."

He wasn't sure how to respond to that. It wasn't like Brian to take a spiritual view at anything. "Maybe you should hit the baths too."

It wasn't as if the thought hadn't occurred to Brian but he dismissed it. "I'm not ready."

"You could go and wear a towel, stroking yourself underneath, see if you can get turned on. I've always enjoyed watching you bring yourself off. See all those hot guys."

"Why, Sunshine, is that a kinky side of you?" he teased, though he got the point his partner was trying to make.

"I just want you to be happy. I'm okay with taking it slow, Brian. I can wait until you're ready." Like you did for me after the bashing.

"I just don't want you to resent me because I am unable to fuck you. If you need to hit the backroom or the baths, go ahead." I hated making that suggestion even though I knew that he won't do it.

"I don't. I couldn't. I remember how hard it was on you when I couldn't bear to be touched, how that hurt you." Justin remembered the hurt look in Brian's eyes when he'd backed away from him, shied away from being touched. "Contrary to what others may think about us, our relationship is not all about the sex between us, Brian. It never has been."

Justin slid down his body and Brian inhaled as he felt Justin gently kiss him, tongue tracing the scar. "I'm not gonna hurt you," he said, feeling the slight hitch in Brian's breath.

"Promise?" he asked, the word leaving his mouth before he had a chance to think about the repercussions. Damn, I never used to be this needy.

"Yeah, I promise."

Brian drew him up, kissed the top of his head, and said, "I may never be able to say the words to you, Justin."

"Brian, I know." Strangely enough, he was okay with that.

"Set the alarm for three," Brian said, "I think we both need a nap after last night."

"Guess we're both getting old," Justin teased, relieved to see Brian smirk. He set the clock and laid his head down on Brian's chest, head tucked under his chin. "Cause only babies and old men nap."

"Forever young," Brian reminded him. It felt good, more than that, it felt right having Justin in his arms. When did this become as natural to me as breathing? He wondered, as he drifted off into sleep.

Justin lay draped over Brian, arms wrapped around him. He never felt more safe and secure than he did when he was in Brian's arms. It occurred to him that Brian perhaps felt the same. And that in some ways he needed Justin more now than he ever had before.

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