Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 11

While Justin and Brian were dealing with their own issues, Daphne decided to take the long way home. While she was driving down Liberty Avenue, she saw a familiar sight: a short, greasy-haired musician with an open violin case. It disgusted her that he was husking when he had a contract with a prestigious record company specializing in classical music. She wondered viciously what his agent would do if she made an anonymous phone call saying that he was husking again. Had to violate some stipulation of his contract. Daphne could be vindictive when she wanted to be. She pulled into a spot and got out, crossing the street. She knew that Justin wouldn't be pleased with her decision but this was not the time to worry about his reaction.

Ethan was in the middle of a concerto when he heard a silky voice say, "What are you doing back in Pittsburgh?"

He looked up and his expression darkened. Aw, fuck, he thought. Did Justin send her? "The tour's taking a break. What do you want?"

"I should be asking you that. Why did you go see him?"

"How is that any of your business?"

Realizing that her words sounded a bit like Michael when he was interfering in Brian's business, she plunged on, "He's my best friend. Therefore, Justin's my business."

"You always hated me. Wasn't I good enough for him?"

Daphne let her eyes grow cold. "No," she said simply.

"Why Kinney? What does he have that I don't?"

"Justin." She said, watching as he flinched. Good, she thought. "Leave him alone." Hardening her voice, she added, "Leave them both alone." She wouldn't allow herself to feel sympathy. Safer to adopt a clinical detachment. She turned to walk away when his voice stopped her.

"I'm sick, Daphne. I have bone marrow cancer. And no one wants to operate on a kid who has been exposed to AIDS. I've been with a partner who was promiscuous."

She turned to face him. It made her furious that he was all but calling Justin a slut. "Justin would never---" she began, then realized it wasn't exactly an accusation. "Are you telling me you have HIV?"

"No," he said. "We were always safe. I wanted him to fuck me raw but he always refused." It was an admission he hated making to a woman he knew despised him. "But it's a possibility. I've been feeling bad lately and it isn't just side effects from the cancer and the treatment. " And the few interludes I've had lately haven't included condoms. He'd recently introduced bare-backing to his repertoire figuring his life couldn't get much worse than it already was. He knew it was a fucked-up view of his life but he was dying anyway. And he'd lost the love of his life.

Thank fucking God, she thought, hoping he couldn't read her thoughts on her face. But it was clear that she felt relief. "Is that what you went to tell him? That you have cancer?" That's all Justin needs to hear right now. That his partner and his ex both have cancer. What a cosmic fucking joke.

"Yes."

"So you don't want him back?" Cause you don't have a snowball's chance in hell.

"I love him, Daphne. I just wanted to see him one final time. I don't have much time."

"And Brian?"

Ethan's expression darkened. "I had a lease on Justin's heart. Kinney always had the option to buy. I knew that going in. I knew when I had the one-night stand with that kid in Harrisburg that I'd be pushing Justin out the door, back into Brian's arms. I won't deny it hurt but I expected it."

"He didn't go running back you know. He waited for about a month before even entering the backroom." She could remember the nights she'd heard him crying into his pillow. Or the nights he'd stumble in from Babylon drunk or tweaked on something. He'd indulged in forms of pain management that were more Brian's than his own. The nights she'd heard the moans coming from his room and knew he was jerking off. She'd wondered then whose image Justin was imagining. Figured it was Brian's. "You hurt him pretty fucking bad."

"I know when he returned to the backroom," Ethan said, unable to keep the bitterness from seeping into his tone. "You don't play on Liberty Avenue without hearing about Kinney's pet stud returning to his old haunts. I always wondered when the two legends would hook up again. It was inevitable."

Despite her best intentions, Daphne felt kind of sorry for him. That's not to say she'd ever really liked him. Even when they were together, she'd known that Justin still loved Brian. That he and Brian were meant to be together.

"You need to tell him all this," Daphne said. "Ethan, for what it's worth, I'm sorry. I hope they're able to find a match for you."

"I'm on a wait list," he said, picking up the violin. "My folks have mortgaged their house for me though they refuse to even visit me. They don't much like me. They all but disowned me when I came out." It didn't help that he'd been giving his chemistry tutor a blow job when his parents had walked in the door. It had been an eye-opening experience for all. "But they don't want to see me die without giving me a fighting chance."

"Bye."

Ethan sighed. "Daphne?"

"Yeah," she said.

"The best man won, you know. Justin will always be in love with Brian. I saw that today. I saw that no matter what I thought about Brian lacking a heart, his heart belongs to Justin. They do love each other." Then he asked, worry creeping into his tone, "Do I need to worry about Kinney?" For all his bluster, he knew that Brian could and would beat the shit out of him without a second thought.

Daphne shrugged. It was difficult and unwise to predict Brian's actions. "I know," she said sadly. This poor kid had no chance, she thought. No chance at all.

She walked away from Ethan, leaving him playing a heartbreakingly sad piece. Nope, she mused, I've never liked violin music.

At the loft…

The silence between Brian and Justin had grown interminable. Justin got up and walked into the bathroom ostensibly to take a piss but he really just needed a moment away from his silent lover. He finished and then returned to the living room, sitting down in the Barcelona chair. He was startled a few moments later when he felt hands on his shoulders, then felt Brian's arms loop around his neck. He was reminded of a time long ago when he'd been working at the computer and Brian had done this same thing. But this time it wasn't a zucchini man or a casual trick that was coming between them. He raised a hand and laid it on Brian's.

Brian realized that as hard as this day had been on him it had been equally hard on his lover. "I didn't mean what I said about us not being partners." He had wished he could take that statement back.

He, better than anyone, knew just how hard it had been for them to get to that stage without his casual disavowal of their relationship. He'd known when he blurted the words out that it would have hurt Justin less if he'd simply used a knife on them both. That there was nothing he could have said that would have hurt his lover more than declaring their partnership over.

Justin turned so he could see Brian's face. "It's not like it was ever formal between us. Just something we said. Undefined." Unspoken, he thought, like so many things between us.

Ouch, I guess I deserved that, Brian thought. He felt himself slowly beginning to return to some state nearing normal. He maneuvered around the Barcelona chair, kneeling between Justin's legs. It wasn't a pose he'd often adopted. At least, not when it didn't involve him tasting his blond. Brian had shed the raw silk shirt and the wife-beater. Justin liked the way Brian's skin looked in the moonlight. A little paler than usual but he knew that hitting the tanning beds wasn't an option. Not any more. So many things were off the table now.

"I should have told you about Sabrina. I didn't know how."

Justin put his hands on Brian's face, tracing his jaw line with a fingertip. The angles and planes of Brian's face were as familiar to him as his own. "You have to do things in your own time. I know that. I don't expect you to change." Memories drifted back of the last time he'd said that.

"Why aren't you mad?" That was what he couldn't fathom. He'd half-expected Justin to storm out or throw things. But that wasn't his way. Actually that was his way. "Why haven't you walked out that door? Why do you keep coming back to me? What reason have I ever given you?" I so don't deserve you. Sad thing was he actually felt that way at least 75% of the time.

Oh, Brian. Understanding they were rhetorical questions, he remained silent. Justin leaned forward and gently kissed him, nipping his bottom lip, tracing the bite with his tongue. He wanted to taste Brian all over but was reminded of the fact that there wasn't anything Brian could really do to reciprocate at the moment. This sucks, he thought. And not in a positive, life-affirming way. It was disheartening to realize just how much of their relationship had its foundation in sex. In their sexuality, particularly Brian's.

"You remember the night in the backroom at Babylon?"

"Which one?"

Good sign, Justin thought, if he's willing to joke. Means he's slowly coming back to normal or what passed for normal in Brian's world. "Either one. But I was thinking about the night of the King of Babylon contest."

Brian's lips curved into a sly smile. He thought he'd been so stealthy, waiting for five minutes before following Justin down the stairs, where he'd seen the blond fucking the trick he'd been cruising. Found it kinky that he'd left the crown on when he was fucking the guy. Admiring the blond's technique. "Go on."

"You were jealous. I could sense you."

"Bullshit." Though he knew it was true. He'd often felt that they'd always have that connection. Be drawn to each other as if one was magnetized.

Justin tipped his head up so he could look into Brian's eyes. "It's not bullshit. I knew you were standing there watching me. I couldn't help wondering if you were growing hard, touching yourself through the fabric of your jeans. It's kind of overpowering to realize that I had an effect on you back then."

No shit, Sunshine. You've always had an effect on me. With one look, you can make me forget that we're not the only ones in a room. And, Brian realized, I went home that night alone. I went home to an empty loft and jerked off, wishing you were there. He'd turned over in the night, hating himself for reaching out for someone that wasn't there. Even then, he'd started realizing just how much he hated sleeping alone. How despite everything he'd gotten used to Justin being in the same bed.

Justin continued to speak, "You gradually let me in. You have told me bits and pieces about your childhood. Enough so I know that it was hell for you. And bits and pieces of your college years. But tonight, you told me something about your life that I would never have guessed. You let me in, Brian. When you drop your guard, it means something. It means that you trust me. Like the first time you let me fuck you. You didn't want to but you knew that I needed that connection. That we needed that connection."

Brian sat there, listening to his lover's words. "I was tired. It was easier to just roll over and let you have me," he said.

Justin smiled knowingly.

"It meant something. It meant something to me," Justin pointed out. "Telling me you had a daughter was letting down all your shields. And you told me something that I bet you never thought you'd tell anybody. I know there are parts of you that you hide. Hell, we all have parts of ourselves that we hide. But it told me that you trust me. Brian, you trust me again."

And trust is something I never really thought we'd get back. Not after everything that happened with Ethan. And I saw you the night I first started those posters and told you I was going home to work on a project. You wondered. You were worried that I was fucking around again. But you didn't say anything.

"Michael doesn't know," Brian admitted softly. He remembered standing up on the rooftop the night Gus was born. He'd been flying on E and it had suddenly occurred to him that there was a living piece of him down in the nursery. He had a newborn son and he had needed youth that night. Needed youth like an aphrodisiac. And Justin had been there. Exactly what he had needed at the time.

Justin had figured as much. He'd been around enough to realize that Michael thought he knew Brian so well. But there were things about his best friend that only a lover would know. Thoughts and dreams and ideas that Brian had only ever shared with him. "I want you around for a long time."

At the quietly spoken words, Brian's head whipped up. Without conscious thought, he leaned forward, resting his head upon Justin's chest. Felt the tears begin, splashing hot and fast and wet on Justin's shirt. Wrapped his arms around Justin so tightly that he knew he must be hurting the younger man. But he needed to feel safe and secure and loved at that moment. Justin ran his fingers through Brian's hair, letting a hand rest on Brian's back, fingertips moving in a circular pattern on his back. He knew Brian needed this emotional release. Knew that on any other occasion, they'd be in bed right now. It took a tremendous amount of trust for Brian to let loose like this. It wasn't something he did often or willingly.

"Let it go," he thought. Felt Brian shudder against him and knew the man would probably hate himself in the morning. Chastise himself for letting go for not guarding his emotions better. But for now, he was content to let himself hold him.

They stayed that way for a long time, until Justin felt Brian fall asleep, having cried it out. Justin greeted the dawn alone, having been content just to touch Brian. To be needed for once.

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