Acknowledging Fears

Chapter 10

Brian's POV:

While I know there are points in my past that I've glossed over with Justin or omitted entirely, I am perfectly aware that this a huge one. And it's one that involves me and Lindsay. Now Justin knows we've fucked before and, while I still prefer the pleasures of sinking my dick into an ass, she's not the only woman I've been with. Justin is well aware of this fact as the floor show that he and I treated Daphne and Cynthia to will affirm. So naturally I was pretty relieved that he hadn't had his own drama princess moment and stormed out. That he's giving me a chance to explain. Lindsay, on the other hand, looks like I've just wounded her to the core. That certainly wasn't my intention but just because my parents were the gatekeepers to hell doesn't mean that I can't be a father to my own son. And who decided that she alone was able to mourn for the child we lost? Do mothers have the corner on the market for grief or women for that matter? I was pretty fucking lost when Justin left and everyone assumed it was my fault, abandoning me to the fucking wolves. And losing Sabrina was devastating for me, too. But as to parenting, I'm not the same man who went to the Leather Ball and left a seventeen-year-old kid alone to baby-sit when it was my responsibility. Granted that action should have told everybody that Justin wasn't just a trick instead of making me look like an irresponsible jackass but everyone's just willing to believe the worst of me. Brian, the fuck-up. Brian the asshole. They're roles that everyone in my so-called family is comfortable casting me in. Because when I do something nice they all expect that I have ulterior motives. I get fucking sick of that.

But back to the story…

"Everyone comfortable?" Brian asked, looking around to make sure Gus was still asleep.

Three nods though Lindsay was still shooting daggers at him. "Lindz?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to start this or shall I?"

Brian had once said that he'd rather have his tongue super-glued to a lesbian's twat than attend the fairy convention that Emmett and Michael went to but then he'd have to eat pussy. That would probably be preferable to what he was facing right now. And that was saying a lot.

Part of the reason Lindsay had wanted to talk to Brian was because it was the anniversary of their daughter's death. She hadn't wanted to be alone and knew Melanie would have more questions than she wanted to answer. She had thought they'd have a nice dinner and then talk about Sabrina. It was always one of the hardest days of the year for her and she knew Brian thought about it, though he tried not to. Lindsay knew that it was one of the nights he'd take off from visiting the baths or Babylon and sit home with a bottle of Beam, getting quietly trashed. She'd envied him that, that total disregard for responsibility, the ability to sink so deeply into grief. That wasn't to say that she didn't worry that someday he'd sink so deep into a blackness that he couldn't find the light out. Now, she hoped, Justin would be that light that illuminated his path. Because she feared Brian would need him now more than ever. And she hoped the young man was strong enough to stand by his side.

She looked at him and saw how cold and distant his eyes were. Oh, Brian, she thought, heart silently breaking for him. He had started the story and then turned to her asking if she wanted to chime in. Their eyes met and she saw a silent plea in his. She couldn't help wishing he'd broken the news about having cancer in a different way but that was Brian. He'd never done anything the easy way in his life. His life always seemed to be a battlefield where he lived life like he was living on a minefield.

"Lindz?"

"Yeah?" her voice had softened considerably as she'd lost some of her anger's edge.

Daphne still looked a little shell-shocked. This wasn't exactly how she'd imagined the evening going. But welcome to the life of Brian Kinney, she thought. He looked like hell. Lindsay looked like she was torn between killing him and petting him, trying to soothe away the pain. Justin looked at his lover and wondered just exactly how Brian was going to get through this. It wasn't as if he'd just fucked the afternoon away. It had been an emotional upheaval all day long, Justin thought. It was a wonder he hadn't just crashed.

"Let's do this," Brian said, resigned. He unscrewed the cap to the bottle of Beam and took a hit directly from the bottle. It was the first time in a long time that no one gave him shit about it. Perhaps because everyone knew he needed it. He turned to Justin and handed him the bottle. "Sunshine, let me get through this and then you can ask all the questions you want. Okay?"

Justin nodded. He reached for the discarded pack of cigarettes and lit one. Lindsay, for once, did not remind anyone of the dangers of secondhand smoke. "Justin, honey, I'm going to let Brian have the floor on this one. I can't talk about this tonight but I know you'll have questions. I'll answer them later." Don't know if I can do this.

Brian leaned back and started speaking, in a tone much less didactic than the one he often adopted. "Lindsay and I met in '91 at Penn State. I was still playing soccer because it was what was paying my way through school. Pop had expected me to join him in the ranks of the straight world, working for Pittsburgh Electrical but I had dreams of getting the fuck out of this town. He had no interest in higher education and had once told me that I aspired too loftily. Anyway, I'd decided to take an art history course. I'd always had an interest in art though my talent was limited. There was a willowy blonde in the class who was smart and beautiful."

He glanced at Lindsay who smiled. "I introduced myself to her and over croissants and coffee we became fast friends. She was an artist who was planning on teaching. I, on the other hand, wanted to do something that made money. Law school was out --- would've taken too much fucking time. And everyone knows how impatient I am. And business was something I could wrap my head around and marketing interested me. Everyone knew I could take shit and make it platinum. Anyway, we started hanging out a lot. Mikey was at Allegheny Community College and while we were still friends, our interests had begun to diverge."

"I saw him on campus and thought he was the hottest man I'd ever seen. Smart with a biting sense of humor. Fabulous clothes sense. And he was bluntly and unapologetically honest." Lindsay interjected. Okay, maybe I can do this. Maybe I need to do this.

Smirking, Brian said, "Well you always had good taste. So we hung out a lot. We'd bonded over a shared interest in European art, like the Beaker People and the Celts. Stuff that is in my backyard as it were. So one thing led to another and one night we found ourselves drunk and horny. And we found ourselves making out and then we were in bed in Lindsay's suite. Her roommate was a rather strange creature who kept odd hours. Always wondered if she became involved in one of those goddess-centered religions that are so in right now. So I woke up the next morning wrapped in the sheets with Lindz and realizing that it was the first time in a long time that I'd actually fucked a woman."

"Yeah well. I don't remember it quite like that," Lindsay said. This part of the story she could tell without becoming too emotional. She glanced at Justin, seeing that he was following the story. "We bonded over art. And he got me drunk on a bottle of champagne that my parents' had been asking me to save for a special occasion. But when did I ever do what my parents expected? My roommate was out of the suite for a lunar ritual of some sort. Never did ask what. He and I started making out and Brian's hand found my breasts and I found his dick, and one thing led to another and we were rolling around on my bed. I knew Brian said he was gay but he was extraordinary in bed."

Justin grimaced. "You know that, Justin." He did but it had a serious squick factor when it was Lindsay that pointed that fact out to him.

"One night after a soccer match, I came home to a message from my dad telling me that my grandfather had died. Now Old Man Kinney was a great man. I was devastated. He was the only person in my family I could relate to. He'd come over from Dublin and he'd made his own way. He enjoyed fine whiskey and relating the myths to me, tales of Lugh and Dana and Brian Boru. He'd tell me stories of the faerie mounds, how people would get taken inside and millennia would pass before they'd emerge. He was fascinating and I loved his accent. He would take me out to his shop and I'd sit there for hours listening to Grandpa Liam. It hit me hard, that the one person in the world in my family who didn't treat me like a nuisance, like a failure, was gone. So I proceeded to get shit-faced. I was done with the first bottle of Beam and starting on the second when my doorbell rang."

"And that was when I appeared at his door with something I'd cooked," Lindsay said. She didn't think she'd ever forget how devastated and ravaged Brian'd looked. She hadn't seen him look that awful until the night Justin had gotten hurt. Brian's eyes had looked the same way. "He was drunk and angry and needed some form of release. He was hurting and in my misguided attempt to console him, we found ourselves in bed again."

Justin could relate. Brian Kinney's favorite form of pain management or pain release was sex. It had gotten him through some pretty painful times. Justin had done the same a few times when he was deliberating whether or not to lay it all on the line for Brian again, after Ethan. It was weird thinking of him doing the same thing with Lindsay though. Him not ending up in the backroom with his dick down some anonymous trick's throat but soothing his hurts with Lindsay. People are strange.

"While I'm as prepared as any good boy scout," Brian said, tongue in cheek. "This time I was too far gone to think rationally enough to try to find a condom. I needed someone and Lindz happened to be there. So we fucked all night long. The next morning, I woke up to a bitch of a hangover and the damning realization that yet again I'd slept with a woman. And a woman who was rapidly becoming one of my best friends."

"I thought you were hitting the backrooms all the time and the clubs," Justin said.

"I was but there were times when I was willing to mix it up a bit. That's not to say that I ever dipped my wick into a transvestite but I was willing to sample the female population. And I was negative. Even then, I was careful who I fucked." Brian was adventurous sexually. Had done just about everything in the Kama Sutra and then some. But a guy dressed up as a woman just didn't do it for him.

"I, on the other hand, was confused as hell. Here was this beautiful man who had told me he was gay but had fucked me twice. Granted, both times we were drunk but the fact remained that I'd slept with Brian twice. And only Brian. So a few weeks later, I was late. The various forms of contraception were not really discussed in the Peterson household so I visited the clinic on campus. I knew enough that I could chart my time and it happened fairly regularly so I wasn't that naïve. The physician assistant ran a test and it was confirmed. I was a few weeks pregnant. Barely twenty and pregnant. I couldn't exactly talk to Lynnette. I was terrified so I called Brian."

Brian smirked. Lindsay's older sister was nearly as bad as his. He remembered a very interesting afternoon at the Peterson condo in upstate Maine. Some things were priceless. "So I came home one afternoon after soccer practice to a frantic message from Lindsay. She said that we needed to talk. I'd intended to go out that night. Let's face it; I was a horny twenty-year-old."

Justin couldn't help laughing. Brian was still horny but he could relate to the twenty-year-old part. Brian glared at him. "She came over and told me that she was pregnant."

Okay, Taylor, now's not the time to get goofy, Justin reminded himself. This was a serious moment. And he could only imagine how Brian had reacted. It made him wonder how he would have reacted if something had happened when he and Daphne slept together. "I was conflicted about whether or not to have the baby."

"I, being the good, albeit lapsed Catholic that I am," Brian began sarcastically, "told her that if she wanted to have the baby we could get married."

Huh?

"It was a huge sacrifice from him and I wasn't too thrilled about the idea. Because I was already beginning to suspect I was a lesbian and Brian had pointed that fact out to me none too gently. So I told him I wanted to keep the baby. For three months, I watched my body change." She glanced at Brian. "Felt the baby growing inside me. I was told that it was going to be a little girl."

Brian remembered how he'd gone with her to the OB/GYN appointment. Nothing as uncomfortable as being a gay man in an office full of pregnant women. But he'd felt an unmistakable connection to the little human being growing inside of Lindsay, that it would be a tangible part of them. His chance to prove that his blood wasn't tainted, that his legacy would be good. "I saw the baby on the monitor. Ten little fingers and ten little toes," Brian's voice had gone soft. So soft that it was barely audible.

Justin looked at his lover. Oh shit, Justin thought, he's gonna crash. "She was absolutely beautiful," Lindsay said. "We'd talked about names. I had thought about Brianna but Brian preferred Sabrina and we compromised. Sabrina Miranda Kinney Peterson. Things seemed to be going perfectly. Then one night, I was walking cross-campus to Brian's apartment and something felt wrong. I had been spotting all day long and I knew that could mean bad things but I didn't think anything could happen to my baby and Brian's. Somehow I ended up at Brian's. He wasn't exactly happy to see me."

Brian looked decidedly uncomfortable. No, I wasn't happy to see her, he thought, remembering exactly what he'd been doing and whom. A man who was nearly impossible to forget. Yet another part of his life that Justin knew nothing about. "No, I wasn't happy to see you. But I knew something was wrong. I helped her inside and that's when I saw the puddle of water and blood form on the linoleum. I've never been so scared in my life. I called 911 and rode with her in the ambulance to the university hospital."

Lindsay's eyes were damp with tears and Brian knew that he was perilously close to crying himself. "I was in and out of consciousness but I remember him holding my hand, saying that I'd be okay, that I had to be okay."

Brian felt the tears flood. He'd said nearly the same thing to Justin when he was lying in the parking garage, when he'd held him in his arms waiting on the ambulance. But it's different when it's a child you might lose. Trying to get control of his emotions, he took a deep breath before beginning to speak again. "When we got to the hospital, they wouldn't let me go in with her but the doctor promised to keep me updated. It helped that I was the father. Finally, they let me go in with her after the doctor came out to inform me that they'd been able to save Lindsay but not the baby. It was touch-and-go for Lindsay. She'd lost a lot of blood. I sat in her hospital room for three days, praying that she'd be okay. When she finally came out of the sedation, I was so fucking relieved. Then it occurred to me that I was the one who had to tell her that our child was gone. That the child we had made preparations for was gone."

Lindsay had made her way over to Brian and Justin eased over, letting her in to sit next to him. "I'd known when I was drifting in and out that it would be bad. But it hadn't been a troubled pregnancy. Everything seemed fine. As devastated as I was, Brian was too. I knew that we shared the pain of a lost child."

Brian wiped away the tears with the sleeve of his shirt, not caring that it was a $250 dollar shirt. "I didn't realize until then how much I actually had wanted this baby. At first, it had seemed like such a nuisance. I mean, a gay guy and a woman who was probably a muff diver having a child. Sounds like an episode of the Jerry Springer show. But when I saw the sonograms and it hit me that it was a person I'd created, I changed my mind. I was willing to do anything, even marry Lindsay if it meant providing a stable home. Still, she was an emotional wreck. It was left to me to decide if we wanted to bury the baby or cremate." What a fucking decision to make. It was why he'd hated being responsible for Ted's life when he was lying in his drug-induced coma. Simply easier to let everyone think he was heartless than to admit that he was deeply conflicted.

Lindsay had rested her hand on his arm and Brian didn't move to brush it off. "I knew that you would do the right thing. I didn't want to leave everything up to you but I was too wrecked to make decisions about burial."

"And I've always been coolly logical," he said bitterly.

"No, you've always been practical. But never truly cold-blooded," she corrected him gently. "When you told me that you'd paid for a Celtic cross for Sabrina's burial, I thought it was the most beautiful thing you'd ever done. I knew then that you'd be a good father. It's part of the reason I wanted you to be the father of my child with Melanie. Had nothing to do with good genes or replacing the child we lost. It had to do with the person you are inside. The person you let very few people actually see."

Justin had seen that person. That person Brian was when the defenses and guards were down. He felt again just how similar he and Lindsay were. Perhaps in a parallel universe it would have been Lindsay and Brian ending up together. Brian looked at him. "Sunshine?"

If he turns away from me now, Brian thought, I don't know what I'll do. He'd once said that relationships couldn't survive without trust and honesty. But sometimes relationships didn't survive honesty. I wonder if he'll stand and fight or walk out that door with the white flag of surrender?

Justin's own eyes were damp and he could hear Daphne sniffling. "I---" he began, before realizing that words sometimes weren't the right answer. That actions were sometimes the only thing that mattered. Didn't Ethan teach me that? He raised his head and met Brian's eyes, saw the question and need in them. He moved past Lindsay, realizing that right now she wasn't the one who needed comfort. He knelt beside Brian and gently and tentatively wrapped his arms around his lover. Christ, can't things ever be easy?

Lindsay noted the gesture, realized how Brian just accepted the casual touch without flinching or turning it away. How he simply let himself be. He'd never done that with anyone but Justin, she mused. It occurred to her that Brian and Justin had started out on a very un-level, unstable playing field but over the years it had leveled out. That they now faced each other as equals.

Brian leaned into the embrace, letting himself be held. God knew he was taking comfort from the nearness of Justin. The fact that he'd been teetering on the knife's edge all day long was not lost on him. He knew that he could be pushed off the knife so easily. And letting it all go might not be such a bad thing. He hadn't cried about the cancer but maybe, just maybe, he could cry about the cancer and the loss of his daughter. Grieve both things.

"I'm gonna go," Lindsay said. She rose to her feet, meeting Brian's eyes. She knew that she could trust Justin to take care of him.

Daphne recognizing that her best friend and Brian needed to be alone rose also. "I'm going to go also."

While Lindsay was dealing with a very sleepy Gus, Daphne slipped on her sneakers and glanced at the still intertwined Brian and Justin. Justin glanced back at her and said, "I'll walk you down, Daph."

She shook her head and her look told Justin all he needed to know, that she felt Brian needed him now more than she needed him to walk her down to her car. She hugged him and didn't know quite what to say or do to Brian. Brian seemed pretty far away at the moment. Lost to anyone but Justin.

She waited for Lindsay to emerge from the bedroom with Gus and then the two women headed downstairs. Once on the freight elevator, Daphne and Lindsay looked at each other. Unsure what to say, Daphne said, "Lindsay, I'm sorry."

"Thank you." Her voice was kind of distracted. Her thoughts were still with Justin and Brian upstairs.

"You think they'll be okay?" Do you think Brian will be okay?

Lindsay understood and appreciated what Daphne was trying to say. She'd learned over the years how to read subtext. It helped to decode Brian's statements. "Yeah, they'll be okay. Brian needs Justin right now. It's not just about Sabrina. That's not what has hit him so hard. I think everything just came crashing in on him like a crescendo."

Daphne nodded. She'd told Justin that it was bound to get worse before it got better. She thought he was getting a sample of that. But she knew Justin and he'd deal. Sometimes the strength of her best friend amazed her and she'd seen how Brian and Justin were together. Even if Brian didn't admit it, he needed Justin. Needed to know that he wasn't alone. Sometimes the fears that lay in the dark aren't imagined, she mused.

Upstairs, Brian and Justin hadn't moved from their position on the floor, locked in an embrace. Justin wanted so desperately to tell him he loved him but didn't know how he'd be received. Brian, on the other hand, was trying not to lose it entirely. Finally, he spoke, sounding like the words were torn from his throat, "I need to go somewhere."

"What tonight?" Are you mad? After everything we've been through? You've got to be kidding. But there was nothing in Brian's expression to suggest he was joking. Simply a vacant look.

"Yeah, tonight. We need to go somewhere." Brian's eyes were haunted, a lost look that frightened Justin. He'd seen Brian in all frames of mind but this terrified him.

"Okay, baby," Justin said, taking the chance that the endearment wouldn't set him off. Brian didn't even react, his eyes didn't even flicker. Bad, very bad. "Where are we going?"

"You'll see when we get there." Brian stood, walking like a somnambulist up the stairs, finally sitting down on the bed with his Prada boots in hand.

Justin waited for his lover to join him. Feels like rain, he thought. Then as icy fingers danced up his spine he amended that, feels like a storm's blowing in.

Justin had seen Brian in various states of mind over the years. Tonight the man's behavior terrifed him. This detachment of Brian's left him cold and worried. Brian sat on the bed, a vacant expression in his eyes. Like someone was home but the lights were all out. He eased closer as one might approach a wounded animal, unsure if it's going to let you soothe it or come out hissing and snarling.

Brian, for his part, was far away. Lost in a memory, remembering how the doctor had come out to tell him his daughter was gone. He hadn't pushed Lindsay to get an abortion even though he knew that neither of them was ready for the responsibilities of parenthood. It wasn't as if he'd had a sterling fucking example of how to be a father in Jack Kinney's household. Instead he'd been willing to sacrifice his identity as an out gay man for their child. Marry a woman he loved but wasn't in love with though he knew Lindsay wanted more despite her own issues regarding her sexual identity. With the grief came relief and for the relief he felt guilty as hell.

Justin watched his lover, concern apparent in his eyes. The idea of going somewhere was lost for the moment. He sat down near Brian, close enough so they could touch but not touching. He knew Brian well enough to know how he'd react. The silence bothered him nearly as much as the detachment. On the whole, Justin would prefer him to be loudly angry like he'd been at Kinnetik when he'd threatened the restraining order than seething with a quiet rage. He didn't know quite how to bring Brian back from where he was, how to cajole him out of the dark corner of his mind where he currently was.

They sat for a long time, each lost in his own thoughts. Some things were better left buried, Justin thought, wishing he could get some reaction from Brian. He was surprised when the man turned to him and reached out for him. "Justin?" Brian's voice quavered.

"Yeah," Justin's own voice was quiet and he fought to keep it even. God, I'm so fucking terrified that I'm gonna lose you.

"Don't leave tonight."

"I'm not going to."

"No matter what I say or do, don't leave. I don't care if I am as mad as the fucking hatter, wait it out." There was an unreadable look in Brian's eyes.

"Okay," Justin said. The light was flickering in Brian's eyes.

How the hell do I handle this? he wondered. But then he remembered what Daphne had said about not having seen the worst. If this was a preview, he wasn't sure he wanted to stick around for the whole show. But he loved Brian and it mattered to him that Brian wanted him there. Wanted him and not Michael. And it sobered Justin to realize that if Brian hadn't responded he might have been forced to call Michael. Wouldn't that have just been a wonderful thing? he thought bitterly. Me asking his best friend for help? A best friend who despite his denials was still very much in love with Brian.

Brian had moved back on the bed, till he was sitting against the wall, staring out at the darkened loft. "Everyone go home?"

"Yeah. Daphne and Lindsay left at the same time."

Shit, he thought, I didn't say goodbye to Gus. Lindsay'll rip me a new one for that. "There's more."

Justin sighed. He'd figured that. And he knew that Brian never did anything easily or halfway. Like pushing friends off cliffs for their own good. But when was Brian going to understand that he didn't have to do things on his own. Justin crawled back to sit next to Brian, surprised when the man reached out for his hand. "Stay."

That one simple word shattered whatever idea Justin had about leaving. It meant so much. Hope, he thought. Brian's fingers intertwined with Justin's and he waited for whatever was going to happen next. Knowing that it's not going to be good doesn't necessarily prepare you. And Justin had never been good at waiting out storms though he knew he should've learned by now. Brian's grip tightened on Justin's and they both sat in an uncomfortable silence, each waiting. One for strength and the other for courage.

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