Homecoming

*15*

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Riders on the Storm

I can tell when Linds is really losing it because she reverts back to her WASP roots and projects a deafening silence about whatever it is that's got her knickers in a knot. So when she calls and asks me to authorize changing the plane booking for her and Gus to that afternoon without offering a single fucking word of explanation I can tell something has gone severely ass-up again in that fucked up mess she and Mel call a marriage.

Back in the day, I was both cynical and inexperienced about relationships. So theirs didn't seem to me to be any more or less fucked up than I'd expect from any attempt for two people to live together in fucking coupledom.

But that was back then. Now I have more perspective. I've tried it myself. I know it's fucking tough, and God knows Justin and I aren't poster boys for "Couple of the Year". But compared to the shit Linds and Mel put each other through, we're right up there. Justin is my best friend; my closest friend; the one I can absolutely rely on - as much as anyone can rely on anyone else anyway. We talk about just about everything in our lives - maybe just in the occasional grunt or two word sentence, but somehow it gets the message across, we fucking "communicate"; we share the same sense of humor, the same `no bullshit' attitude to things. He's supported me through so many of my fuck ups, so many dramas – up to and including force-feeding me chicken soup and cleaning up my puke; and I've tried to do the same for him, tried to make sure that he took advantage of all the chances that came his way, tried to support him in doing that.

And much as thinking about it makes me want to start puking all over again, those things have bonded us. The bashing might not have fractured us, but helping him put his life back together, working with him to get back his confidence, help him find the way to express his talent again, that made me see myself, and how I could be with another person in a completely different way; and having his support trying to put my career back together after Stockwell, and then to recover from the fucking cancer – those things … they make a fucking difference. They're not things you just shrug off and forget about, they're things that change you; and they sure as shit fundamentally change the way your relationship works, change the way you think about yourself and your partner. They're things that cement you together – or break you apart. With us, they pulled us together and it's hard now to imagine what could fucking blow us apart.

But who the fuck knows what keeps the Munchers together? It sure as shit doesn't seem to me that it's anything as fucking … real … as Justin and I have. Which is a sure sign that the world should be reeling on its axis.

I used to think Mel made Lindsay happy; but after their last bust up, and all the shit that went down then, I don't see that any more. She was a complete fucking cow to Lindsay for months. Justin and I at our worst have never treated each other that way. Even when he was just the little twink who could and I was the resident asshole of Liberty Avenue, and would have denied that we had any relationship at all, I don't think I ever treated him with the fucking contempt that Mel showered on her "wife".

So I'm not surprised when Linds doesn't even acknowledge my "What the fuck's gone wrong now?" It just makes it pretty damned obvious that their so-called "marriage" is imploding yet again. Good to know the gay girls can fuck things up as badly as any het couple who have a quickie marriage in Las Vegas.

I tell the redhead who's supposedly my latest PA (although the fucking "assistance" element leaves a lot to be desired) to change the hotel booking and call Sunshine to let him know that our guests - or at least two of them - are arriving earlier than expected. Like I'd figured, he wants to come to the airport with me, so I shuffle a couple of meetings and head off to pick him up.

I'd had Ted organize a Jeep for when Gus is here - complete with booster seat, although he barely needs that now. It's good to use it though - still safer for a while yet - so it's just a matter of getting that a few days early. There's some ridiculous shit over that which seems to be beyond Miss Carrot-top, but Ted gets it sorted. Sometimes I'm almost willing to believe he's worth what I pay him.

I'm just leaving to collect Justin when Ted sticks his head out of his office.

"Just thought I should let you know … Mel called, and she's pissed."

I shrug. What else is new?

Of course if there are problems in Muncher-ville big bad Brian must be to blame. Fucking stupid cow! If she'd put half as much energy into her so called loving relationship with Linds as she does into hating me, they might stand some sort of chance of making things work.

 

*****
 

Justin

On the way to the airport, I ask Brian what's going on. He shrugs.

"Who knows? Another fucking muncher meltdown."

I sigh. It figures. And of course Linds comes running to Brian, which somehow winds up making him the bad guy. That pisses me off.

But at least it means that he'll get to see Gus. And nearly a week earlier than we expected - that's the main thing. We'll deal with the rest of the shit as it comes.

By the time we find a parking space at the airport, the plane has landed but we catch sight of Linds and Gus just as they get off the shuttle. Gus starts running as soon as he sees Brian and Brian, after one moment when he just looks stunned by Gus' joy at seeing him, swoops down and snatches his son up into his arms for the first time in months.

"Daddy! Daddy! Daddy!" Gus shrieks, squeezing his arms tightly round Brian's neck, and then leaning back to look into his father's face.

"We went on a plane!" he says. "We flew. Like Batman. And now I's here. And I'm big. Aren't I big?" he demands.

"Huge," Brian responds, "and f... heavy."

Gus throws his head back and laughs.

"I'm the biggest in my class," he says proudly. "I'm like my Daddy - bigger 'n' anybody!"

Brian smirks and I have to nudge him in the ribs to let him know that even when he doesn't say anything I'm still onto what he's thinking.

Gus looks at me kind of doubtfully for a moment, but then he squeals, "Dus!" and throws himself at me. And my heart just melts. Seriously. I feel like he's just given me the most amazing gift. I can only hold him and smile and smile and smile.

 

*****
 

Brian

See, this is why I fucking call him Sunshine. Standing there holding my son, he's lit up like a million fucking Christmas trees.

Holding our son.

Fuck it! If Mel can claim him, so can Justin. He's been there since the night Gus was born; he fucking named him for fuck's sake. And he's had more influence on my son's life than anyone else could understand. Because he's been there at really critical points in Gus' life. Right from the beginning.

It was Justin who made me realize that I didn't want to give up my rights to my son; helped me see that I wanted to be Gus' father - maybe not in the maudlin fucking way Mikey obsesses over JR, but in some way, some new way that Gus and I would work out together. And then later he helped me make the decision to finally sign away those rights. Something that, if I did regrets ... well, fuck that! No fucking regrets.

Justin's also the reason...

I almost caught that plane to Ibiza. Almost went through with my half-assed plan to dodge the bullet on the whole cancer thing by offing myself in some fucking way that no one would even know about. But...

I could tell myself that Mikey and Linds and even Gus would be better off; that they wouldn't even really know what I'd done. If I drove my car off a cliff or into a tree they'd put it down to drink or drugs and eventually they'd be relieved that I wasn't around to fuck with their heads anymore.

But little Sunshine ... he would have fucking known. He knows me too well, so much fucking better than any one of those losers. And he would never have forgiven me. Or himself. And I just couldn't fucking do that to him. So instead of going out in a blaze of glory - or at least, dying young and beautiful, I went to Johns Hopkins and let them cut out my ball, and went through the fucking radiation and puking and all that shit.

And here I still am, pushing this fucking luggage trolley (why do I think there's way too much shit for a week's holiday?) and trying simultaneously to watch my son with my lover, and to get Linds to meet my eyes so I can try to figure out exactly what the fuck is going on. Because something (apart from the obscene amount of luggage) tells me that Linds is not planning on going back to Toronto any time soon.

 

*****
 

Justin

I can tell that Lindsay is avoiding any discussion about why she's arrived so suddenly. But as far as I'm concerned, she needn't bother, I don't really care. Who gives a fuck? So her and Mel have crashed again? Big surprise.

I mean, what did they expect? Did they really believe that all the horrible shit they said and did to each other when they broke up the last time was just going to disappear and be forgotten? Like it had never happened?

As if!

See, that's the thing ... Brian and I fight. We queen out at each other. He bails on me emotionally; or I walk out. There are times he's been a complete asshole to me; and as for me, I fucking cheated on him and then left him. But at our worst, we have never treated each other the way Mel and Lindsay did. We might lash out at each other, but we're not coldly deliberately spiteful, and we don't treat each other with the ... contempt ... that Mel used towards Lindsay when they split over Linds fucking that guy. I mean, even the night that Brian shredded us both, letting me know that he knew about Ethan ... it was hurt, not spite that drove him. After that night, he treated me with a lot more respect, a lot more kindness than I probably deserved. He didn't go out of his way to make me feel like total shit; just the opposite really. And I did my best not to make him feel worse as well.

But Linds and Mel ... and especially Mel ... I'm not saying she wasn't entitled to be hurt, to be devastated even. I'm not even saying she was wrong in how she behaved. But I don't know how anyone could get past that and just carry on as if it had never happened. I could never have looked at Brian the same way, could never have gone back to him if he'd gone on treating me that way over Ethan. And he would never have looked at me the same way if he had, and I'd gone back to him anyway.

I know people say love is about forgiveness - and they're right, in a way. But there have to be limits. I mean, it's not like Mel and Linds had one big knockdown fight and screamed obscenities at each other on the spur of the moment. Mel treated Linds like shit for months; plus made her lie to all their friends about what was going on. And then did everything she could to exclude Lindsay from JR's life.

Then the bombing happened, and bingo! they're all lovey dovey again; and pretending like none of it ever happened.

Well, that's just bullshit.

I mean, Brian and I had been having a few shaky moments before the bombing. There was that rumor about that stupid fucking competition for a start, and the way everyone's meddling almost convinced him I was leaving him. And we were having trouble trying to work out how we were going to be together, what being "together" actually meant for us. So there were some shaky times.

As it turned out, we worked through all that pretty well. But it might have gone differently; we might have got so shaky that we needed to separate for a while to really figure it out. So if we'd been apart when the bombing happened, then hell, yeah, it would have been a major wake up call to stop fucking around and get on with it. So in those circumstances, then yeah, I guess the bombing would have driven us back together. He would still have come looking for me in the smoke and the ashes, and I would still have clung to him like he himself was the air I needed to go on breathing. And that would have made sense, because even if we'd been apart, we would still have been loving each other, still caring, still treating each other with respect and affection.

But Mel and Linds … I just don't believe it was like that for them. I don't think it drove them back together because it made them realize how much they love each other. Because I'm not sure they do. I don't even think they like each other very much. I think it just made them afraid. Shook their cozy little white bread world and sent them into reaching in panic for some sort of illusion of security. I think that's what was behind the whole Canada thing. They just want to believe that they can find some way where nothing bad will ever happen. Well, I can tell them from experience, that's just a bullshit way to live.

So though Lindsay is here now and has that locked down tight look of distress that always gets Brian all fucking protective, I honestly don't give a shit.

She was stupid to fuck that guy. She was even more stupid to let Mel get away with all the hypocritical shit she put Linds through over it (if they've both conveniently forgotten the time they split because Mel got it on with some other dyke, I sure as fuck haven't - it's what finally led to Brian signing over his rights to Gus, to get them back together). And she was totally beyond fucking stupid to not only go back to her, but to waltz off to another country with no jobs, no guaranteed income, a fucked up relationship and two kids in the middle of it.

 

*****
 

Brian

We get to the Marriott, and after they're checked in, Justin takes Gus who's both over-active and over-tired - a killer combination, out for a drive to get something to eat. We're all hoping being in the car will settle him down, maybe he'll even crash. And it gives me the chance to talk to Lindsay.

"So what's the deal?" I ask her as she fusses around with the fucking mountain of bags she's brought with her.

She shrugs. "You invited us down. I thought I'd take an extra few days. You said you didn't mind, but if it's too expensive, I'm sure we can find somewhere else to stay."

I suck my lips in, thinking about exactly how to crack through the walls of bullshit she's hiding behind.

"So why the sudden urgency?" I ask. "And why the fuck has Mel been burning up the phone lines threatening my remaining ball?" Well, okay. I didn't actually speak to her and I don't know that's what she said, but it's a fair fucking bet.

Lindsay gives an impatient WASP huff, and says, "She's over-reacting. I told her I needed a few days away."

"Linds. Have we met? You don't have to bullshit me. Just tell me what's going on."

For the first time she meets my eyes. "She didn't want me to come. And she refused to let me bring Gus. As if I needed her permission. He's my son."

I stand silent for a moment, playing with all the bits of paper - room service menus, movie menus, fucking pillow menus yet - that hotels scatter like confetti all over their guests' rooms. So now, suddenly Gus is no longer Mel's kid? Then why the fuck did I give up my rights to him?

"Honestly, Brian," she goes on, "she forgets he exists most of the time - it's all about her and about JR and what JR needs. Since she was born, the only time Mel ever thinks of Gus, the only time she's ever interested in being his parent, is when you're involved."

She breaks off then and looks at me with one of her pathetic little sighs of distress. Only the fact that Gus is here, in Pittsburgh, being chauffered around by my partner, stops me from tearing her to fucking shreds. What the fuck did she think was going to happen when she forced Mel to accept me as the father of "their" kid, and then did abso-fucking-lutely nothing to defend my place in his life; to insist that the shrew she fucking "married" shows at least some respect for the fact that, no matter how much she might resent it, I am Gus' father?

I take a breath and force that all back into the inner pit of fire that bubbles in me constantly, the not-so-happy place where so many hurts and resentments live. There are more important things here. I'm no lawyer, but something tells me this could get very ugly.

"So she specifically said she didn't want you to take Gus out of Canada, and you brought him anyway?" I clarify.

She pouts. "He's my son!" she repeats.

Fuck me!

I pull out my cell and call the lawyer I've been talking to about the possibility of getting some sort of recognized place in Gus' life, some guarantee of access to my son. She actually takes the call, and after hearing my outline of the situation suggests that I should come to see her later this afternoon. And that Linds should seek immediate legal advice.

When I suggest that we could both come to her, she says firmly, "Brian, we need to be very clear here. I represent you and your interests. That's all. I am not concerned with Gus' mothers or their problems except in how they impact you and your aim to have some legal rights to your son."

She's said that before. Warned me that there may come a point where my interests are in direct opposition to the munchers', and that I have to be prepared for that.

She goes on now, "In the meantime, you should have no contact with Ms Marcus. If she manages to get through to you, you should refer her to me and tell her that I have advised you that any communication between you should go through your attorneys. But I would prefer that you do not speak to her, or communicate with her in any way, at least until we've spoken. Is that clear?"

I resist the urge to salute and hear myself mumble `yes', and she warns me again and ends the call.

She's a fucking ball breaker. The guy I sought advice from initially recommended her, not just because of her reputation which is that she's one of the best, but also because it helps derail any feminist bullshit, which he said might be a problem if the case comes before some woman judge with a bee in her bonnet about that shit - two wealthy Anglo men ganging up on a couple of helpless women.

Mel is about as helpless as a fucking raptor, and Linds has her moments, but I could see where he was coming from, and as Ms Hershell is as tough as nails and doesn't flutter her fucking eyelashes at me, I can deal. I want the best, and it seems like she's it.

Which right now is just as well, because she seems to think that Lindsay could be in a shitload of trouble; and worse, that it might complicate my own case to gain rights to Gus.

Fuck!

 

*****
 

Justin

But the time I get back, Gus has fallen asleep in the booster seat. I call Brian, and he meets us out front and carries Gus up while I deal with the valet parking attendant.

When I get upstairs, Gus is sleeping, Lindsay is crying and Brian is on the phone instructing reception to block the line and not put through any calls.

Just then my cell rings.

Brian's head snaps up. "Don't answer unless you're sure who it is!" he barks.

I look at the display. "Ted," I tell him.

He nods.

"Is Brian there?" Ted asks. "He's not answering his cell."

I hand my phone to Brian and he listens for a moment and then, "No," he tells Ted. "No! I'm not speaking to her, and I'd prefer that no one from Kinnetik did either. Which includes you, Theodore. I'm seeing my lawyer this afternoon, but meanwhile she's instructed me to have no communication with her at all. Refer her to my attorney if she keeps calling, but have reception do it."

Shit!

He's silent for a moment, listening, then he says, "I'd like you to find a family law specialist for Lindsay. If you're not comfortable doing that, then ask …"

A faint flush creeps up his neck then, and he drops his voice and says very quietly, "Why, thank you, Theodore."

He's obviously trying for his usual snark, but somehow sincerity creeps through despite his best efforts, and I can tell that whatever Ted has said, it's something which has surprised Brian, and for which he really is grateful.

Just for a moment I want to hug Ted.

Then I go back to wanting to throttle Mel and Lindsay.

The next couple of hours are exhausting. I'm surprised Brian doesn't just bail, or at least wring Lindsay's neck. He needs her to tell him exactly what's going on, not just so he can pass that on to his attorney, but also so he can make plans, organize a more permanent place for them to stay if they're going to be here more than a few days.

But all Lindsay will do is cry and get huffy and tell him he just doesn't understand. Till finally, finally! he cracks it and says "Fine! Since all this shit is beyond our limited fucking comprehension, Gus can stay with Justin and me and you can change your return flight to this evening so you can go back and sort things out with the bitch queen."

She nearly loses it then. Says Mel will kill her if she goes back without Gus, and it will just prove that Mel was right all along that if they came back to Pittsburgh, Brian would cause problems over Gus.

"What the fuck does that mean?" I demand. I've been pretty much quiet up till now, but that is too fucking much.

She jumps like she'd forgotten I was there. "Justin … please … you don't understand…"

"What don't I understand, Linds? That the only role you'll allow Brian to have in Gus' life is as a banker to finance whatever fucked up idea you and Mel come up with next?"

Brian shoots a look at me, and opens his mouth to say something, but after seeing how fucking pissed off I am, he wisely shuts it again.

"I'll tell you what I really don't understand. I don't have a fucking clue why you would ever have thought that taking two kids off to another country where you have no jobs lined up, no support network, and no fucking family was ever going to work - except of course, that you did have support, didn't you? You always had Brian's money to fall back on."

She's looking at me like I've grown fucking horns, but I am so sick of this shit.

"Tell me, Linds," I say. "Just how much has Michael been contributing?"

She mumbles something incomprehensible, but I don't wait for a translation, I go on, "Not fucking much, I bet. But he's still got rights to JR, hasn't he? He can visit whenever he wants, have JR come visit him. But Brian … Brian's the one whose money makes your lives work, but he's an asshole if he wants a legally recognized place in his son's life.

"That's fucked, Lindsay. I'm sorry, but it is. And if you were really Brian's friend, if you truly respected his place as Gus' father, you'd be prepared to help do something about it."

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