The Experiment Continues
Last night was amazing. Well, the whole of the last weeks been pretty amazing, but last night felt really special. Like Brian was really trying to tell me something. It was hot, sex with Brian is always hot, but it was tender, too. Like we really connected. Its happened before, or at least its felt that way, and then afterwards Brian would just roll over and go to sleep. Sometimes, if I was lucky, hed fall asleep before he rolled over, and Id get to drift off with my head on his shoulder, or his chest. But last night last night it was him who snuggled up close to me and put his head on my chest and let me hold him. He never does that, and it felt it felt good. Its just ironic that it happened when it did; just when his experiment with not tricking was coming to an end, I mean.
Not that Im complaining about how things are with Brian this time round. I meant what I said to him in his office. I do know what to expect from him, and I am absolutely okay with it. I dont mind about the tricks or the orgies or the fact that he just doesnt want to see himself as being in a relationship. I no longer take that personally or see it as meaning that Im not enough or that hes ashamed to be with me. I understand him a lot better now.
God only knows what possessed him to try out his experiment. In some ways Id like to think its a sign that maybe hes ready to start slowing down a little with the tricking, but thats the way to drive myself crazy. Its not like hes suddenly going to jump into a committed relationship. Hed have himself committed first. And anyway, its not all that important. Not really. Its not what has been most important to me these last few days.
What I do want to keep from the last week is the way we talked to each other about stuff about hopes and dreams and how were going to handle the mess things are in at the moment. Thats what made the last week really special. Of course, it didnt hurt that the sex was especially hot. The non-tricking itself was just icing on the cake.
But that doesnt mean that after having him all to myself for a week, its not going to be hard to take when he goes off to the Baths or Babylon tonight and starts making up for everything hes been missing out on while he was experimenting.
This morning we fucked in the shower, and I think Brian wanted me to stay, but I had to get going. Id promised Daph that I would at least drop in today sometime, and Ive promised Brian that Ill contact Senator Baxter. I feel dumb about doing that. I dont know what Brian thinks it can achieve. But he says that if PIFA are wavering and feeling a bit dumb post-election that maybe a gentle push is all they need to see the sense in letting me back in.
I wouldnt bother except that there were a couple of subjects I was doing this semester that I felt were really helping me, ones where I really felt I was learning something useful to me, and given that unless some sort of miracle happens, this will be the last semester Ill be able to attend well, I just want to make the most of it. Not waste Brians money.
Hes insisting that it will be alright, talking about me going back as if the money for next semester will be there. But thats not really likely right now. And I know that Brian knows that and feels bad, and that its going to be worse come next semester when we dont have the money for the fees. But if I can at least get back in this semester, it might make it easier to defer for a year or so, and then go back when Ive earned some money and can pay the fees myself. Maybe even part time if I can get a decent job in the meantime. But if I let them carry on as if my suspensions permanent, then that wont happen.
Shit! Damn! Fuck! All these homophobic arseholes who
are intent on taking away from me even the right to an education
I was hoping hed stay around this morning, but he insisted he had to get over to Daphs and get some clean clothes. Hell! he could start leaving some things at least here so that he wouldnt have to keep heading off just when
Its not like we have a car, even. He has to take the damn bus and it all takes so fucking long. Its such a lot of fucking about. I dont know why he doesnt just move back in. Well, I havent exactly asked him, I guess, but
I guess Im scared that hed say no. I think he would. Damn! I know he would. And I dont want to hear that. Things are good right now. Hes probably right not to want us to fuck it up. Okay, well, me to fuck it up. Although last time around I had help. If hed just been half as up front with me then as hes prepared to be now Well, thats all shit anyway. Its over. Been. Gone. Now is now. And now is pretty good.
I havent told him yet about extending the experiment. I guess I should. Or not. I just dont know. I dont even know why Im doing it. Hell! I dont know why I started it, let alone why I want to keep going.
Thats the really scary thing. I want to keep going. Hes not putting any pressure on me. Fuck! He doesnt even seem to care. I care. I want to I want to keep things the way theyve been this last week. I want him here with me, and I want to be here with him, and I want I want to go out with him, and know that well be coming home together and that when we get back here well fall into bed together and
Well, thats it then, isnt it? Brian Kinney, official dickless fag. Dyke of the Year Award coming up. Hell, I might as well join the G.L.C.
Except, fuck that. No one knows. No one has to know. And its none of their goddam fucking business anyway.
Justins the only one whose opinion is worth shit, and hes okay with it. Okay with however it goes. So its just up to me, right? I can do whatever the hell I like.
And if I decide that what I want to do is to see if I can go without tricking for, say, a month, then no one elses candy-assed opinion is going to change my mind.
I just hope Justin heard what I was telling him last night. About how special it was. How special he is. How special we are, together.
Well, I called Senator Baxters office. She was in a meeting, or at a function or something, and I didnt really want to explain my problem briefly to the voice on the phone, so I just left a message that I called. Shes so not going to remember who I am and if she does, shell probably think that I want something. Fancy that! Still at least I can tell Brian I called. I left the loft number and my cellphone.
I wanted to get rid of the phone - I dont really need it. Brian will need his when he starts job hunting in earnest, but I could do without. But he talked me into keeping it. He says that if Im traveling everywhere by public transport, he at least wants to know he can call me. What he means is, he wants to know I can call if theres any trouble, but he doesnt say that. We compromised. We both switched to a plan where you pay a really low monthly rate, but high for calls that you make. That way, as long as we dont actually use it except in emergencies, we can still afford to be contactable.
The internet connection, however, goes at the end of this month. That will kill Brian. No more order-on-line sex partners. More importantly, he wont be able to do the sort of research hes been doing into possible job leads unless he goes down to the library or something.
Well, maybe it wont come to that. Maybe one of us will find something that pays enough to at least keep food on the table and the internet connected.
I dropped in at Debs on the way back to the loft. Mainly to see Vic. I havent seen a lot of him since he started all the catering for Emmetts business, but he said hed be around today. We talked for a while and then Deb got back from the early shift at the diner and loaded me up with left overs out of her fridge. Two different types of pasta, and some cheesecake thats a new recipe Vic was trying out.
Which means that at least well get lunch. Im joking, but it is a bit scary. At least with the money I get from the diner I can afford to pay my share of stuff at Daphs, and still have some left for food, and the occasional night out.
Brian is supposed to be talking to someone today about some investments and stuff that hes got. Now that Mikeys back, hes going to sell the corvette. And with the other stuff he sold, and the investments, that will get the debt down to manageable proportions. If he could just get a job, then he could mortgage the loft, or get a personal loan for the rest. Its having it on those damned high interest credit cards thats a killer.
Of course, the thing about Mikey being back is that now he and Ben need money to pay for some hot shot lawyer who Ben went to see while Michael was hiding out with Hunter. Of course, they could have talked to Mel, but Michael went apeshit about putting her under any stress because of the baby.
Laying stress on Brian by making him feel guilty about taking back his car so that he can sell it to clear some of the debt he incurred trying to save all our asses seems to be okay. Not to mention letting him feel bad that hes not in a position to just pay for the damned lawyer. I was kind of hoping theyd throw dear Mikeys ass in jail for a while. Well, okay, not really, but something. But all three of them (Michael, Ben and Hunter) just insisted that Hunter had run off when hed heard his mother wanted him back and Michael had gone after him and had just taken a while to persuade him to come home. Like neither of them knew that his mother had involved the police. So that sort of went away.
Then the lawyer managed to get an injunction to stop Hunters mother taking the kid. And, amazingly, theyre even letting him stay with Michael and Ben while it gets sorted out. Provided that he stays in school and has a curfew, which he hasnt stopped griping about. But I think he got a really big scare and he seems to be keeping to the deal. He knows when hes on a good thing, and, apart from his so called mother, he doesnt want to go back into the system, or wind up back on the streets. Brian says theyre only letting him stay there cos no one gives a shit, let alone wants to deal with a diseased gay kid. He might even be right. But if its discrimination at least its worked for once to get a good outcome.
Now if we can just get the money thing sorted, and preferably Brian into a decent job, then well all have come out of this okay.
Its fucking typical, that just when you need Ted, hes in fucking rehab. Talking to some stranger about all the shit thats gone on in the last few weeks was well, it wasnt pleasant, boys and girls.
He seems to think that Id have a show of suing Vance over the way my contract was terminated. Seems that the clause in the contract relating to behavior likely to bring the practice into disrepute cant be applied to political activities as long as they arent seditious. And no one would be game enough to argue that sticking up posters attacking someone with a reputation as shaky as Stockwells currently is, was seditious - freedom of expression, guaranteed under the constitution and all that. He says I should seek legal advice.
So Ill have to consider that carefully. It might be worth it. It might just add major legal fees to the debt Ive already got.
I could talk to Mel Jesus! Theres an option! Fuck!
Ill talk to Justin about it first. See what he thinks.
Which is another argument for having Justin around as much as possible that has nothing to do with his other attractions, many and various as they may be: he can actually think.
I know there are people (the list is probably headed by Deb, or Mel, but thered be a fair few names on it) who believe that I only think with my dick. And I guess to some extent theyd be right. But maybe they believe that because I dont waste a lot of time talking to them about stuff that they just wouldnt get.
Justin gets it. I can talk to him about anything, because hes as smart as he is sexy. Hell, its one of the things that makes him so sexy. I knew that the first night. I mean he babbled like a total twat when he first came into the loft, but that was just nerves. I didnt have to be any sort of genius to figure out that he had more brains than most of the people I know put together. Just the fact that he was ready to stop me and insist on a condom told me he was smart.
Of course, by the time we got to the 1500 on my SATs speech I really knew it. If I hadnt, the way he sprung me over the news that hed applied to out of state colleges would have laid it out for me in spades. Too damn smart for his own good, was the way I looked at it then. Too smart for my peace of mind is what I meant.
Now, Im glad that hes smart enough to see through me, most of the time. And stupid enough to keep coming back for more. Or not so stupid. Things have been better this time. For him, too, I hope.
Anyway, thats not the only thing that we have to talk about.
Senator Baxters office called. They wanted to set up an appointment for him. Apparently the senator remembers him very well (damn right she does, it got her face on tv and in the papers) and shed love to meet with him. He should call back and set a time.
Then theres the money stuff. Seems things arent quite as bad as I thought. With the money from the grand clearance sale, and what I should get from the sale of the corvette, and the fact that I have full equity in the loft, the guy I saw today thinks I should be able to combine all the debt into one loan. I didnt think Id have a hope in hell of getting a loan while Im currently unemployed, but he says all I have to do is become self employed. He reckons with my business record (the Stockwell incident aside), if I can sign just one decent client, then I wont have any trouble in securing a loan to cover the whole hundred grand, and then some. So I could use that to pay off the cards, and use the rest of my capital to finance a small business.
It sounds crazy to me, but he talked about the tax breaks I could get from the government, who are keen to help develop businesses in Pitts, and from using the loft as my office. My head is spinning. He says that if I employ even one other person, that I get all sorts of subsidies, and if I offer a student an internship, I can get all sorts of others.
Hes checking out all the details for me, and Ive got everything he said written down to go over with Justin.
Hell! yesterday I was on the scrapheap, and now I could be starting my own business. Its crazy. But maybe
And then I got home and there was a call from someone
I never thought Id hear from again - Adam Lyons from that fucking firm
He quoted an hourly rate that I could hardly believe. Okay, its not what I was pulling in at Vanguard, but it sure as hell will keep the wolf from the door. And the real beauty of it is that precisely because I dont get name credit means that I dont have to deal with any of the clients. So I can do it all from here. Theyll send me the stuff, and Ill just work on it and send it back. I guess well have to keep the internet connection, but at least well be able to pay for it.
Jesus! I wish Justin would get back.
Well, I got back to the loft with our left over lunch, and Brian was on the phone. He was talking to Michael. Of course. It sounded like theyd just started, so I put the stuff in the oven to heat, rather than the microwave. As long as you cover it properly, its a better way to reheat pasta cos the microwave makes it go a bit slimy.
But Brian hung up practically straight away. I looked at him a bit surprised, and he handed me the phone.
You have to call the senators office. They want you to make an appointment to see her.
Then he walked up into the bathroom.
I called the number, and they put me through to her. Id sort of expected her secretary to make the appointment, so I was a bit rattled. I hadnt had time to think about what I was going to say.
She was really nice. I know Brian says you can never trust politicians, and all that. But I do like her. I mean, I know that shes likely to want to make political mileage out of stuff, but at least its the right mileage, if you know what I mean.
Anyway, she asked how I was going, and all that. I told her that there was a bit of a problem about PIFA and that Id like the chance to talk to her about it, to get her advice. But then I got a real shock, because she already knew. Not just that Id been suspended, but why. She said shed just found out, because was involved in a senate hearing in Philadelphia over the election period and was a bit out of the loop, but that shed really like the chance to talk to me about what happened. She even knew about Brians involvement. Not about the ad, I dont think, but about him losing his job at Vanguard.
We talked for a couple of minutes about Stockwell, and she said that Pittsburgh had had a really lucky escape and that they should all be thanking whoever had put that ad on the air.
So I told her who did. Im not sure that Brian wont be pissed at me about that. Not a lot of people know, and hes certainly not going around bragging about it, but I figured if she only knew half the story, she might think Brian was a total sell out. I needed her to know what hes really like.
He came back then, so it was a good thing that Id already got past that bit, and moved on to me needing to try to get PIFA to change their minds.
I dont know what I was expecting her to say, but it wasnt Id really like it if you and Brian could join me for dinner one night, Justin. I have tonight free. Or next Monday. Would one of those suit you?
I could only stammer at her. Brian gave me the weirdest look, so I excused myself, and put my hand over the phone and said She wants to have dinner with us!
Im sure my voice squeaked. I was so surprised. I was even more surprised when Brian just shrugged and said, Sure. Why not?
Tonight? As soon as I said it, I wanted to bite my tongue off. Of course he wasnt going to want to have dinner with some straight female senator tonight, he was going to be out on the prowl. So I nearly fell over when he said, really calm, really casual. Okay. Where and when?
I sorted that out with the Senator and arranged to meet her at the Grand Concourse. More than a bit old fashioned and conservative, but the foods okay. A good choice for dinner I suppose if youre a senator having dinner with two gay guys. Sort of lends a feeling of respectability at least, till you see if there is any mileage in it. God! Im getting as cynical as Brian.
Then I went over to the guy who was standing Brians loft, wearing Brians clothes and demanded, Okay, who are you?
He gave a funny sort of grin and hooked his elbow round my neck and dragged me close enough to kiss. Which he did. Thoroughly.
Then he pressed his forehead against mine. I slipped my arms around his waist, and he draped his over and loosely around my shoulders and sighed.
Im glad youre home.
I felt my breath catch in my throat. I didnt know what to do or to say. I just tightened my grip a little because it felt so damned good to hear him say that. Even if it wasnt absolutely true. I have no intention of moving back in right now. But in another way, it is my home. If home is where the heart is then it is absolutely my home as long as hes in it, and to hear him acknowledge that
I had to kiss him again quickly so that he wouldnt get a chance to see the tears I felt stinging my eyes. Shit! I thought Id gotten past this. Past the point where him saying things like that mattered so much to me.
So I kissed him and that took a while, long enough for my damned eyes to stop leaking anyway. But then he took my face in his hands and, looking down at me with this weird expression on his face, he brushed away the traces of the tears with his thumbs. Then he smiled a strange little smile and said, out of nowhere, The experiments still on, you know.
I hadnt meant to say that. Hadnt meant to tell him. But he was standing there looking so so like he used to look, sometimes, when Id done or said some stupid thing that he took to mean
Okay, yeah, Id say something like that, and hed take it to mean that he meant something to me, that I had some place in his life, and then Id freak out and say something cutting, or do something deliberately cruel just to let him know he was wrong. He wasnt wrong, of course. But I had to make him believe he was. Make him believe he meant nothing.
By the end, by the time the fiddler came along, when I said something like that, hed even stopped hoping it meant something, hed just get this look in his eyes fear, that was the look. He was afraid of what he knew was coming next.
And when I looked into his eyes today, it was there again. Just a trace, but enough. And I couldnt bear it.
So this time I said something that maybe told him that its not like before. I hope so. I hope thats what he heard. I hope thats what he wanted to hear.
I think it was. I think he heard me, and I think it made a difference.
He smiled, anyway, and hugged me just a little.
Then he let go and turned away to go and get the plates out for lunch, and I was left following him into the kitchen.
So what did the Senator have to say? Im not sure I was all that interested, but it was as good a subject as any to give us both time to get back our balance.
He scrunched his nose up the way he does when hes really thinking hard about something thats confusing him.
She already knew about me being suspended.
Yeah? For a moment I was surprised, then I shrugged. Well, I guess when you called she might have got her staff to do some sort of check.
I guess. Anyway, we talked a bit about what had happened.
He stopped and I knew there was more.
She knew about you and what happened at Vanguard too.
Uh -huh. For some reason I felt something else coming.
And she mentioned the ad.
No need to say which ad. Around here lately theres only one ad. The Ad. The one that I just had to do, couldnt just let go, couldnt stand back and just say well, I tried. I had to throw everything, including Justins future, into that ad.
No regrets, I know. But maybe I can allow myself just that one. That it might be because of me that Justin has to give up his dream.
No. No. Thats not going to happen. As long as we can get him get accepted back in then I have till next semester to sort things out. And after today, thats looking a lot more likely. I realise that I have all that still to share with him, and cant help smiling and reaching for him again.
He holds me off a little and I can feel it coming. Whatever it is hes worried about telling me, its about to come out.
I told her youd done it. All of it. How much it cost. What you had to sell. All of it.
And I am pissed off with him. A bit.
But this isnt the boy Justin who would have done the same thing but would have stood there all defiant waiting for me to cut him down, and then argued my ear off about it. This is Justin now. And hes standing there waiting to hear what I have to say about it, but hes not going to argue and hes not going to back down. Hes just letting me know how it is.
Meeting those blue eyes, looking at me so earnestly from under the mop he calls a hair cut, suddenly my pride in him takes over and I can only grin at him like a fool and reach for him again.
This time he plasters himself against me and then his tongues stroking mine and I gladly forget all about the Senator and PIFA and everything except the reality of him, here, and as hungry for me as I am for him. I lift him, and his legs twine around my waist. Somehow we make it to the pile of cushions on the floor and its a good thing that he turned off the oven, because its quite a while before we even think about lunch.
I can not believe he said that.
Well, I cant believe that hes doing it at all - extending the experiment, I mean. Or that he told me that hes doing it. But that he said it then
I guess subconsciously I was waiting to get shot down in flames after the glad youre home line. Because thats what always used to happen. Always.
Just escaping that would have told me how much things have changed between us. But to have him offer even more And thats what he was doing. He did it deliberately. To make sure I knew that things have changed. That something in him has changed
While I was trying to get my head around that, he asked me about the Senator. I told him what shed said, that she knew about most of it already. I half expected him to throw a Kinney fit when I told him Id spilled to her all about the ad. But the other half of me expected him to do exactly what he did, smile at me and pull me back into his arms. And that did it.
I just threw myself on him. Suddenly I didnt want any more words. I just wanted him. Wanted to feel him against me. Over me. Inside me.
Holding me. Fucking me. Loving me.
I wanted to tell him how much I love him. So I did. In the way that we communicate best. Not just with words tripping off our tongues, but with our whole bodies. Every part of us touching, loving, joined.
Afterwards we just lay there, our sides touching all the way from our shoulders, down our arms, then from our thighs down to our heels, our fingers tangled together somewhere in the middle.
Then my stomach rumbled and he laughed and smacked my thigh. Up and fetch me lunch, wench!
I got up and wiggled my ass at him. Who are you calling a wench?
He came up behind me and snaked a hand down round my hip to stroke my cock. Mmm, my mistake, he purred using the deep sexy voice I love. I smacked his hand away though, and put the pasta in the microwave. Well just have to put up with the sliminess. If I put it back in the oven to heat, well wind up getting distracted again and it will probably burn.
Once Ive turned it on I manage to get past him to get my clothes. He just laughs and starts pulling his jeans on.
He seems so relaxed, I can hardly believe it. Things must have gone okay with the investment guy this morning.
Id really like to know, but I dont ask. If he wants me to know, hell tell me. Otherwise its not really my business. I try not to be like Michael, thinking he should tell me everything. I used to be like that, and between us we must have just about driven Brian crazy. No wonder he lashed out occasionally and tried to set some boundaries. Michael doesnt seem to recognise any boundaries at all where Brian is concerned. Hell! even Deb doesnt. And Brian of all people needs his privacy. I try now not to be so clingy and needy.
But that doesnt mean that I dont care. Or that Im not really happy when he says as soon as we sit down on the couch to eat, Aside from the Senators call, theres some other things I have to tell you about from this morning.
He opens one of the bottles of vintage wine out of his cellar so I know the news must be good, and starts telling me all about what the investment guy had said. By the time he finishes were well into Debs pasta. And then he tells me about Adam Lyons call. Im a little less pleased about that, because Im pretty sure that Brian fucked him at least once, and Ill bet that this Adam guy wants more. Who wouldnt?
But well worry about that later. In the meantime, it sounds as if things are looking up.
So would that count as a job, then? I ask.
Shit! He is smart. Because I missed that. I was so busy thinking that it was a really big risk to take on more debt on the strength of trying to start my own business, when he comes along with the obvious. It could count as a job, especially if I could get Adam to maybe put something in writing to indicate that thered be regular income. And then I could use most of the sales money, including what I get for the car, to pay off most of the debt, and only have to borrow enough to finish paying off the cards. I probably wouldnt even have to touch the investment money - which would be great. If nothing else, it would mean that was available for Justins tuition, if we need it.
So we eat our way through two lots of pasta discussing all the pros and cons of everything. Thank God my gym membership is paid up till the end of the year. Ill have to spend some time there tomorrow, or by the time I get a fucking job Ill have to buy a whole new wardrobe cos nothing will fit me any more.
In some ways Id love to just say fuck it all and have a go at my own business. But this is not the time. Not until all the hoohah about the Stockwell thing has died down. And its not like Id have to think of this offer of Adams as my new job. But it would give me breathing space to wait it out until the right job comes along.
And by the sound of the conversation that Justin had with the Senator, she may well be willing and able to help him with the PIFA situation. Hell, yes, now I come to think of it she must be, because otherwise theres no way that shed be inviting us to dinner. If she wasnt ready to do something it would be all, sorry but the senators very busy this week, perhaps if you send her a letter, not personal phone calls and a dinner invitation.
I share that insight with Justin and he nods. I know that he prefers not to think about people, especially ones he likes, in those terms, but he needs to sometimes. Needs to be aware that everyone has their own agendas.
Then he surprises me.
Youre right. I did think that. Actually, Ive been trying to work out what she wants.
I raise an eyebrow at him, reminded yet again that hes no longer anybodys little twink.
Well, she could have just talked to me on the phone. Or got me to come into her office. It seemed to me
He broke off then, and looked at me with a bit of a frown, like he was trying to remember exactly what shed said, and how hed heard it at the time.
I think that she wanted, really wanted, you to be there. She wants to talk to you.
I look at him consideringly. Maybe Im just making him paranoid. Maybe she was free for dinner and just felt like some pleasant company. And had to invite me to get him to agree to go.
Or maybe not. Justins smart and I need to listen and think about what hes saying.
Then I shrug.
Well, I tell him, either way we get a free meal.
And his eyes sparkle amused mischief at me and I can hear something about no such thing as a free without him saying a word.