Pool of Regrets

Back to Reality

"I'm here."

Brian looked up at his beautiful blond angel, staring into his deep eyes of blue, and then suddenly... there was blackness.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I'm positive he's trying to wake up."

"All right, I'll get Dr. Clark in here right away."

Brian could barely register the voices he heard around him, and wondered if they were real or if he was dreaming. One of the voices had sounded like Justin.

He wondered why he felt so strange. Had he passed out? He felt dizzy and tried to move, but couldn't. His body felt so heavy. He tried to open his eyes, but for some reason they didn't want to open. All he could do at the moment was stare at the backs of his eyelids. He was terrified and confused and had no idea what was going on. What had happened to him?

"I'm here, Brian."

Brian immediately felt relieved at the sound of Justin's voice. He wasn't dreaming. Justin really was there with him.

"Jussin," he managed to mumble, which took a lot more effort than he had expected.

"That's right, Brian, it's Justin. Open your eyes, you can do it," he urged, and gave Brian's hand a little squeeze for encouragement.

Brian groaned. He had never felt so exhausted in his life and opening his eyes seemed like so much effort. Somehow, though, he knew this was important, and honestly, more than anything, he needed to see those familiar pair of baby blues again, because then he would know that things were okay. Because everything was better when Justin was there with him.

Brian slowly opened his eyes, struggling to focus his blurry vision, and squinting from the florescent lights shining down on him. Once his vision became more clear, he saw a very relieved and teary-eyed Justin smiling down at him with his infamous Sunshine smile. He'd missed waking up to that smile.

"Hey, Sunshine," Brian managed to say in a hoarse voice. Justin laughed with joy, never having been so happy to hear the man he'd always loved call him by his nickname again.

"Hey," Justin said, wiping away his tears.

Brian looked around briefly, recognizing this setting, and immediately knew that he was in the hospital, though he had no idea what had happened. The last thing he remembered was being at the loft with Justin, and baring his soul to him.

Brian's tongue darted out to lick his dry lips. "I knew it would be the death of me. I must have gone into shock after everything I said to you at the loft," Brian joked. Justin gave him a confused look, having absolutely no idea what Brian was talking about.

"Brian, do you remember what happened?" he asked.

Brian was about to answer, when the doctor entered the room.

"Mr. Kinney, glad to see you're awake," the man told him with an enthusiastic smile. "I'm Dr. Clark. I was the doctor on call when you were first admitted to the Emergency room," he explained.

"How long have I been here?" Brian asked.

"A month," he answered.

Brian looked up at the doctor in shock.

"What? That can't be..." he said.

"It's true, Brian," Justin said. Brian looked back at Justin now and frowned. Something wasn't right.

"I don't understand... what happened?" Brian asked.

A middle aged nurse had joined them now and was at Brian's side taking his blood pressure and temperature.

"Mr. Kinney, your friend, Michael Novotney discovered you in your loft, unconscious. Not only did you have an obscene amount of alcohol in your system, but additionally, we found traces of the narcotic known as Ketamine, in your blood. Those are an extremely dangerous combination, Mr. Kinney, and frankly, you're very fortunate to be alive," Dr. Clark told him.

"Alcohol... Ketamine...? But I --" Brian paused because he didn't know what to say about that. He was confused.

"It also didn't help that you hit your head when you passed out," Dr. Clark said.

Again? That was all sounding very familiar.

"They didn't know if you would wake up," Justin added, his face and voice full of emotion.

Brian closed his eyes, and tried to remain calm. He was having a major case of deja vu. He was really having trouble now trying to guess what was real and what wasn't. He knew that he hadn't taken any drugs or alcohol when he was with Justin in his loft. He shook his head at them.

"No, that's impossible. I haven't had any drugs or alcohol in months. I quit that shit," Brian explained. Justin gave him a surprised look.

"It's perfectly normal after an overdose for you to not be able to remember the events that took place before it happened or during. I'm afraid blood test results don't lie, Mr. Kinney," Dr. Clark said.

Brian looked at the gray-haired man and saw in his face that he was telling the truth. He then looked at Justin. Then suddenly, it hit him like a ton of bricks...

He was back.

After answering a series of medical questions for Dr. Clark, the man smiled at him and then tucked his pen back into his coat pocket.

"Well, everything seems to be okay, that I can see. Of course we'll need to run some tests tomorrow, just to be sure. For now, I've got some other patients to see, but I'll be back later to look in on you. In the meantime, Tracy is the nurse who will take care of you tonight, so if you need anything you just give her a ring." Dr. Clark gave Brian a reassuring smile and then nodded at Justin. Before going out the door, he turned back to look at Brian. "You're a lucky man, Mr. Kinney," he said, and then left.

Brian sighed and closed his eyes. Was he really back to his real life? Before, it had been what he wanted, but now all he felt was a great sadness. If he was indeed back, that meant all the changes he had made in his life, all the fixes, and his progress with Justin, had now all gone down the drain. It never existed. It meant that once again, Justin wasn't his, and their problems still remained unresolved.

"Brian," Justin said softly, seeing that Brian seemed to be in a daze. Brian looked at him but didn't say anything.

"Are you okay?" he asked.

"You really want me to answer that?" he asked a bit irritated.

Justin looked down at his hands, and Brian sighed, feeling a bit guilty for snapping at him. He was just so frustrated, and was not amused that someone; seemed to think it was hilarious to play around with his life. He could practically hear God laughing at him right now, and saying, "Back to square one, sucker!"

"I'm sorry. That was a stupid question. Look, I know all of this must be a lot for you to take in. I was going to call everyone and let them know that you're awake, but if you want, I can hold off for a bit. Give you some time to collect yourself," Justin said.

Brian nodded. "Yeah, I'd prefer not to have any visitors right now," he said quietly.

"Do you want me to leave you alone then?" Justin asked, hoping that he didn't.

Brian looked at the blond and shook his head. He didn't want him leave him alone. That was the last thing he wanted. "Stay," he said, hoping it didn't sound too desperate. If it did, Justin didn't seem to notice or care. He just nodded with a small smile and pulled a chair closer to the Brian's hospital bed. It was the same chair he had sat in every day when he had visited Brian in this room.

They sat in silence for a few minutes, and finally, Brian spoke first. "Justin... why are you here?" he asked softly.

Justin gave Brian a confused look. "Why wouldn't I be?" he asked.

"You know why... you and I -- We're not... together anymore," Brian said, the words killing him more as he said them out loud. "You're with Ethan now."

Justin frowned, but then his expression softened and he shook his head sadly. "Wow," he said.

"What?" Brian asked.

"You must really think I'm an uncaring shit," he said.

"No, Justin. I've never thought that," Brian said sternly.

"Well, then why the Hell would you think that if something happened to you that I wouldn't be here or that it wouldn't matter to me? Brian, I love you. That hasn't changed."

Brian's heart fluttered at the words Justin had said to him. Hearing him say he loved him made him feel warm and happy. Maybe words were necessary, after all. Why had he thought saying them would be so horrible when it could make you feel as wonderful as this?

Justin reached out and took Brian's hand and held it in his, while looking him in the eye, just so the man would know he meant every word he was saying. "Listen to me, Brian. Are you listening?" he asked.

Brian nodded his head slowly. "I'm listening."

"Whether we're together or not, you're still an important person to me. You always will be. I'm here because I care. You've always been there for me when I needed you, and I wanted to do the same. That is what you do when you love someone," Justin said with a sad smile, and then paused. He had tears in his eyes again and swallowed the lump in his throat.

"I was so fucking scared, Brian. I thought I might never see or talk to you again - that I'd never have a chance... to say how sorry I am," Justin said, his voice heavy with regret.

"Justin..." Brian started.

"I know. This isn't the right time to talk about all of this. I don't want to upset you, and you should really be getting your rest. But there are some things that I need to say to you -- when you're ready to hear them, of course," Justin said.

"I have some things to say to you too," Brian told him.

Justin nodded. "For now though, you should get some rest. I'll stay with you for a while though, if you'd like. When I leave I'll call the others to let them know about your status, but tell them not to come until tomorrow afternoon. Does that sound okay?" Justin asked.

Brian nodded, and then felt his eyelids getting heavy again. He was so exhausted. "Thank you," he whispered, his eyes now completely closed, and his breathing becoming more even.

Justin wasn't quite sure what Brian was thanking him for, but decided it didn't matter. He leaned in and kissed Brian's forehead. After only a moment, Justin knew that Brian was asleep. He sat there for a while, still holding the man's hand as he slept.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

A few days later, Brian was released from the hospital. He was almost feeling back to his old self again, and it had helped to see his friends and family over the last few days. They had all been so worried about him, and were relieved that he was going to be fine.

The only thing that had made for some tension was the next day, after he woke up in the hospital and everyone came to see him, Michael started in on Justin about not having a right to be there after what had happened between them, and even went so far as to say that his best friend wouldn't have ended up in the hospital if it weren't for the blond. Brian was livid at Michael's comment, and yelled at him to get the fuck out.

Although Brian knew he must have been angry and hurt from Michael's harsh words, Justin kept a straight face, and didn't let it show how much Michael's words stung. He told Brian that he would handle it, then whispered that he would talk to him later. He then asked to speak to Michael privately and they stepped out of the room. A few minutes later, a red-faced Michael came back in without Justin, not looking too happy, with his arms folded across his chest. Brian didn't know what had been said between the two of them, and wasn't about to ask.

Brian sat alone in his loft, on his sofa, just thinking to himself. He thought about his - what he was just going to call his "experience" during the time he was unconscious. He thought about all of the things that went through his mind, and the things that he did to try to remedy his life. Whether it was a dream or it really happened didn't really matter to him anymore. He knew that whatever it may have been, what it really was, he realized, was a lesson. A life lesson. He really saw himself, and got to explore and dissect himself in a way that he never knew he could. And he was grateful for that. He knew now what it was that he needed to do.

He looked around his loft, until his eye caught the ever present bottle of Jim Beam on the kitchen counter. He got up and walked over to where the bottle was sitting. He stared at it for what seemed like an eternity, before picking it up and unscrewing the top and getting a whiff of the strong amber liquid.

It was at that moment that he made a decision.

He walked over to his kitchen sink, bottle still in hand, and then tipped it over, pouring its contents down the drain. When it was empty, he tossed it into the trash can. Then, his eyes traveled right to where he knew the rest of his liquor was stored. He moved quickly before he could change his mind, and immediately opened the cabinets, and in a frenzied fashion, collected any and all alcohol in sight, and one by one, poured each of them down the drain.

When every bottle of booze he owned was drained to nothing, he sighed, leaning forward with his hands on the counter in front of him to support his weight, and closed his eyes as he took a few deep breaths. There. He had done it. A step in the right direction so far... He wasn't done yet, though.

Next, he walked into his bedroom and found his box of "goodies" still sitting on the floor where he had left it the night he had OD'ed. He picked up the box and carried it with him to the bathroom and started flushing everything inside of it down the toilet. When it was all gone, he then walked back into the kitchen and threw the wooden box itself into the trash can. He wouldn't be needing that anymore. He did a walk-through of the loft and collected any drugs that had been hidden or stashed in various places for his convenience, and flushed those as well.

Satisfied, he went back to his sofa and sat for a while more, needing a few minutes to collect his thoughts. Finally, he pulled out his cell phone to call the only person he wanted to talk to at that moment.

"Hey," the voice answered. "Are you back at the loft?"

"Yeah. I was released this morning. Could you... come over? I need to show you something," Brian said.

"I'm on my way."

Brian hung up and smiled. He was making some changes in his life, and he couldn't wait to share them with Justin.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"What happened in here?" Justin asked after he entered the loft and saw all the empty bottles of liquor sitting on the counter. There must have been at least 10 empty bottles of assorted alcohol. He next noticed that everything in the loft was a bit disorderly -- like it had been ransacked. He gave Brian a worried look, as he wondered what was going on with the other man.

"That's what I wanted to show you," Brian said, and took Justin's hand to lead him around into the kitchen.

"That you went on a drinking binge?" Justin asked uncertainly, hoping that this wasn't really what it looked like. With Brian though, sometimes you couldn't be certain of what he might do. Justin noticed though that Brian didn't smell like he'd been drinking, and he looked sober.

"I poured them all down the drain. Justin... I quit," Brian confessed.

Justin looked at Brian in complete shock, and then looked over at all the empty bottles. He tried to find the words to say, but he was speechless. He never would have expected something like this from Brian. The man had been an alcoholic for years and never once had considered quitting - or at least he had never expressed any desire to quit.

"That's not all," Brian said, and lifted the lid to the trash can and pointed to the object that used to hold his drugs. Justin looked inside and stared at the infamous wooden "goodie box", which was what they had nicknamed it. He couldn't help but also notice that there were a few more empty bottles in there as well.

"Is that... You mean you...?" Justin stammered.

"That's right. I flushed everything inside it down the toilet and then threw the box away too. I don't need to look at it and be reminded of what it represented, or I might get depressed and go out to get another one and fill it with drugs again... which obviously would defeat the purpose of all of this," Brian said seriously.

"Wow... Brian. I'm so proud of you," Justin smiled, and then leaned in to give Brian a hug, which the other man graciously accepted. He'd missed the feel of Justin in his arms. So much more than anyone would ever know.

"I kind of had an experience, and I've come to some realizations," Brian told him.

"An experience?" Justin asked. Brian nodded.

"Yes. I don't know whether it was real or not, but it helped me to figure some things out," Brian said. He took Justin's hands in his, and looked into his beautiful blue eyes. "My life has really spun out of control, and I want to get everything back on track. Not only for me, but also for the people who care about me and are important in my life."

Brian took a deep breath before continuing. "One of the other major things I learned and was forced to accept during my 'experience', is how much I want and need you in my life."

Brian looked at Justin's startled expression and suddenly felt a bit self conscious, and let go of the younger man's hands.

"Brian... I need to tell you that Ethan and I -- "

Brian silently cursed himself. He didn't want to have to put Justin in a position where he had to choose between two people again. "I'm sorry. I know you're with someone else now, and I have no right to just expect you to --"

"Brian will you just shut up and listen to me a second?" Justin said with a small smile. Brian stared at Justin and stayed silent so that Justin could talk.

"What I was going to tell you was that Ethan and I aren't together. We broke up shortly after you were admitted to the hospital," Justin admitted.

"Because of me," Brian said, more to himself then to Justin.

The blond looked at him and shook his head. "It wasn't just because of you. Things weren't really working out even before that. I don't really want to get into all the reasons, and I'm sure you don't want to hear about it anyway. Let's just say that we really just had different focuses and priorities in life, and it caused us some problems." Justin felt a bit uncomfortable talking about Ethan with Brian, but felt it was important that he tell him the truth.

"When I found out that you had OD'ed, I immediately went to the hospital to see you. I continued to visit you every day. Ethan was upset that I was devoting so much time sitting in your room with you, and said that I cared more about you than I did about my relationship with him. He said that if I really loved him, that I would put him first. He asked me to choose, so that was the end of that. I chose you."

Brian was taken aback by what Justin had just confessed. It made him feel so fucking good that Justin cared about him and loved him enough to not leave his side, even if it meant that he would lose Ethan.

"But I thought you loved him," Brian said. "Why did you choose me?" he asked. Justin shook his head.

"I never loved Ethan, Brian. I loved the idea of him. I chose you because I do love you."

Brian felt the flutter in his stomach again, this time even stronger. He could definitely get used to hearing those words.

"So I guess now is when I'm ready to talk about this," Brian said with a small smile, which Justin returned. Brian opened the refrigerator and got out a couple of bottled waters, and handed one to Justin. They walked over to the sofa and sat down, ready to finally get everything out in the open.

"I guess since I was already talking before, I'll start, if that's okay," Justin said. Brian nodded at him, motioning for him to continue.

Justin took a sip of his water and then set it down on a coaster on the coffee table. He looked at Brian, his expression serious. "I want you to know that I am sorry, Brian," he said. "And before you say that sorry is bullshit, I'll say that in this case, you're wrong. I shouldn't have done what I did. I was sneaking behind your back with Ethan, and then without even discussing it with you, I left you - in front of all of gay P.A., no less."

Justin shook his head and then looked back up at Brian. "It wasn't until later though that I figured out what you were doing. You told Lindsay and Mel that you were looking for me, so I would purposely walk in on you fucking Rage. And You looked me right in the eye as you did it. I'll never forget that look. It was the same cold stare you gave me when the Hotlanta Guy was going down on you right in front of me, here at the loft. You did it to show me that you're Brian Kinney, and no one was going to keep you from living the life you wanted to live, and that was how it was going to be. You knew it would hurt me enough to make me leave."

Brian looked away guiltily. "I just didn't want you to be somewhere you didn't want to be. I wasn't ever going to give you what you wanted, and didn't want you to compromise your happiness for me," Brian explained.

"Brian, it all goes a lot deeper than just not hearing that you love me out loud, or buying me flowers or having floor picnics. I've come to realize a few things of my own. I was/am still having issues as a result of the bashing," Justin explained.

Brian winced at the mention of that horrible night that he had almost lost his blond. "Justin, you don't have to --"

"Yes, I do. I really do. You need to know that it wasn't all you, and it wasn't that I felt that you treated me like shit, because I'm very well aware of how much you've done for me. I know that I was more than a trick to you. I know that you cared about me. You showed me every day."

Brian looked away for a moment. He had tried to show Justin the best he could how he felt without actually saying it. He knew though that he could have done things a bit differently. It almost seemed so silly to him now. He kept quiet, and continued to listen to Justin.

"What you didn't know though, and what I couldn't express or even pretend to explain, was that after Chris Hobbs attacked me, I lost a big part of myself. After getting out of the hospital, I was no longer the same self-assured person who was onto you. I was so lost, and my self esteem was very low. I desperately needed validation that you loved me. Deep inside, I knew that you did - I just didn't want to acknowledge it. Even though you had done so much for me to show me, it wasn't enough. I wanted -- needed you to say it. Then, everything just started happening at once. My birthday 'present', and the canceled Vermont trip... and the tricking was really starting to get to me. Even though I knew that's who you are, because my self esteem was so low and I was so insecure, I started to think maybe I was delusional to think that you really loved me. I thought that if you had to have all those other men, that maybe I just wasn't good enough for you. I started to feel like more of a convenience. Your personal live-in boy toy," Justin said honestly.

Brian frowned, and opened his mouth to say that he had never felt that way about Justin at all, but Justin held up his hand, signaling for Brian to remain quiet and listen. He really needed to get this all out first before Brian said anything.

Justin then paused, thinking about the whole situation and trying to find the words to explain it in a way that made the best sense. He licked his lips and then continued to explain himself.

"Ethan's timing was impeccable. He happened to come into my life at a time when I was feeling vulnerable, insecure and a little neglected, and also when I was questioning my place in your life and how you felt about me. He came in right on cue and told me everything I wanted to hear. It wasn't long before I got sucked into the fantasy of having the perfect relationship with the perfect, romantic, boyfriend. Someone who would want to spend every night at home with me, and just me. A man who would make me feel invaluable to him. He really made me think that he could be that man for me... and he said he loved me."

Brian nodded slowly, and really started to feel like shit now. How could he not have seen the signs? Or maybe he had, but forced himself to ignore them? Justin was not recovered from the bashing yet, and he was crying out for help, and he just ignored him. He felt like such an asshole. How many times had he told Justin not to think about the bashing? To just put it out of his mind? In the meantime, he had all of these issues building up. In his own way, Justin had tried to tell him, but he wasn't listening.

Justin saw the look on Brian's face, and put his hand on his shoulder. "Brian, it wasn't all your fault. We both made mistakes. Not to mention we lacked some serious communication skills. You pushed me away, but not for the reasons I thought."

Brian nodded. "Is it my turn now?" he asked. Justin smiled. "Knock yourself out," he chuckled. Brian smirked at his choice of words.

"All my life, the only thing I could ever really see was how love hurt people. My father said he loved my mother, but he beat the shit out of her, cheated on her and verbally abused her, daily. Then he tried to make it right by saying he was sorry, and bring home a dozen red roses. My mother told me that Jack loved me, but I couldn't see how when our 'quality time' as father and son was spent using me as a punching bag," Brian said acidly. He took a sip of his water.

"Love seemed like the biggest fucking lie the world had ever seen. All the things people did in the name of love proved how fucking ridiculous it all was. Murder. Suicide... The cheating, the lying. The sacrifices people made in their life for love, only to be made a fool of in the end. It was complete bullshit to me. The only thing I could see about love, was that it was the number one cause of hurt. In my eyes, love was an illusion. Something that was a ploy, used to control people. I made a vow to myself that I would never give up control. I would always have that part of myself, and that way I would never get screwed. I'd never get hurt."

Justin looked at Brian like he was really seeing him for the first time. He'd heard the "love is for straight people" speech before, but he always had a feeling it went way deeper than that for Brian. This was the first time he had really explained to Justin in depth of what he meant by the "love is bullshit" phrase.

"The only problem is, I met this twink one night outside of Babylon and he changed everything. My life's never been the same since," he told Justin with a small smile.

"I was scared shitless, Justin. I was scared of my feelings, of opening myself up fully to one person, of allowing someone to love me - and allowing myself to love someone in return. If I made no commitment or vows or sentiments of love to someone, I couldn't hurt them, and they couldn't hurt me - because there was no promise to be broken."

"I understand why you did what you did," Justin said.

"I still ended up hurting you though, and that's because I did lie. I tried to act as if we didn't have a relationship, when it was clear we did. I tried to act as if it didn't matter to me when you were unhappy because of my contentment to never really have a full commitment to you."

Brian scooted closer to Justin now, and smoothed away a strand of hair from Justin's face, and studied his beautiful facial features. "I lied to myself and to others about my feelings for you. I do love you, Justin. I've loved you for a long time. I just couldn't open myself up like that to anyone when I had been trying so hard to protect myself from getting hurt for so long," Brian explained.

Justin felt his eyes well up with tears. He hadn't been delusional. Brian really had loved him. He reached out and touched Brian's cheek with his hand, and let it rest there for a moment. Brian's eyes closed, as he reveled in the feeling of the other man's touch. Justin leaned in and kissed Brian softly on the lips. "Thank you," he whispered.

The two men then hugged, both of them clinging to the other tightly, neither wanting to let go. They held each other for several long minutes, not saying anything, silent tears falling, and occasional sniffles between the two of them.

"Brian," Justin whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I forgive you."

Brian smiled widely at the blond, having remembered Justin had said the exact thing to him before. He hadn't said he was sorry, but he knew that Justin had heard him.

"That's a start," he told Justin, and then took the blond into his arms, kissing him tenderly with all the love and emotion within himself at that moment.

They both knew that they still had so much to work out, and no one had to spell it out for them about how difficult the road ahead of them was sure to be. But they were both willing to take a chance on love.

Indeed, this was their new beginning.

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