Pool of Regrets

Release

"Briiiiiiaaaan, where are we going?" Justin slurred. Brian laughed at his little drunk blond in the passenger seat.

"I'm taking you to the loft because it's late and you're too drunk to clean up that shit hole room you fucked up," Brian told him.

"Shit, I forgot about that," Justin frowned.

"It's okay. You can stay at the loft tonight, and then in the morning we'll go to Daphne's and clean it up then," Brian told him.

"You could still take me home," Justin said.

"And sleep in that stinky pigsty? I don't think so. Besides, I thought I'd give Daphne a break from you. You've been an annoying shit lately, you know," Brian smirked.

"Oh yeah, that," Justin said, then suddenly started laughing hysterically.

"Are you okay with coming to the loft?" Brian asked.

"Sounds good, daddio," Justin said, giving Brian the thumbs up sign.

Brian burst out laughing. "What the fuck was that?"

"What the fuck was what?" Justin asked his voice slurred.

"Nothing, never mind," Brian laughed again, and shook his head.

When they got back to the loft, Brian called Daphne and told her that Justin was staying with him and that they'd be by in the morning. She thanked Brian for taking Justin off of her hands for one night. When he got off the phone, he walked into his living room, and saw Justin sitting on the sofa waiting for him and smiling.

"What's with the smile?" Brian asked as he came to sit on the opposite side of the sofa. He was happy that Justin's mood had been a complete turnaround since he showed up at Daphne's apartment.

"I was just thinking, that's all," Justin told him.

"Let me guess... you were thinking about me in the nude," Brian joked.

"You're so fucking conceited," Justin said with a laugh.

"No, I'm confident," Brian smiled.

"Right," Justin said rolling his eyes.

"Sooo... you were thinking about..." Brian said.

"I was just thinking about how different you've been since you woke up from the coma," Justin told him, slowly scooting towards the brunet so that he was sitting right next to him.

"Better, different?" Brian asked. Justin smiled and leaned his head on Brian's shoulder. Brian was trying to remain calm and ignoring the fact that Justin was so close to him right now. He got a whiff of Justin's CK1 cologne and felt his cock twitch.

'The fucking Margaritas,' Brian thought and silently cursed himself for suggesting them at the restaurant in the first place. Now Justin was in his loft, and Brian recognized that look - the predator eyes. Justin was being taken over, now. It was only a matter of time...

"I'd say, better, yes," Justin smiled, and started to play with Brian's hair. "Not that I didn't like you as a person before... it's just that you've really opened yourself up to me, and it's always kind of been my secret fantasy that you would do that one day," Justin admitted.

"I always knew you fantasized about me," Brian laughed nervously, trying to maintain control and not become putty in the blond's hands from the attention he was giving him.

"Fuck off, you know what what I mean," Justin smiled. "We've been friends for years, but you've always maintained to keep a certain distance," Justin said.

Brian nodded. "It wasn't just you, Justin. I've been that way towards everyone ever since I can remember," Brian told him.

"And now... things are different," Justin mused, and then boldly climbed into Brian's lap, straddling him. "You're different," Justin whispered seductively as he leaned into Brian's ear, his hot breath making Brian shiver and his cock immediately spring to attention. Justin smiled as he felt Brian's member harden under him.

"Well, um, when I woke up from the coma, I realized there were some things about myself that could use some improvement," Brian stammered.

Justin nodded at him, and then ran his hand up and down Brian's clothed chest.

"Are you happier now that you've made the changes?" Justin asked.

"For the most part, yes," Brian said, trying not to moan as he answered. 'If only I had you, my life would feel complete,' he thought.

"I'm glad that you're happy, Brian," Justin smiled.

"Well, I'm glad that you're glad," Brian chuckled. They stared at each other for a moment, lost in thought. Justin's face turned serious as he opened his mouth to speak, pausing just a moment before the words came.

"I uh, also wanted to thank you for being so supportive during this whole fucked up mess with Michael. I've really been fucked up, and believe it or not, you've helped me more than you know - especially tonight. Thanks for saving me," Justin said, sincerely.

Brian nodded. "Well, that's what friends are for," Brian said with a small smile. It was still weird for him to think of them as just friends. It was difficult to stand in the same room with the blond, knowing that he had no idea of their former life together or their problems. He had to try to force himself to put all that aside and focus on what was going in this different world, and how he was going to fix things. His progress had been good, and he found soon enough that he was getting used to how things were now, and that he wouldn't mind just staying here and continuing with the progress, whereas in the beginning all he could think about was trying to figure out how he could get himself back to his old life.

But, what if that happened? What if he was sent back to his old life and when he woke up he didn't remember any of this and just went on with his fucked up lifestyle in misery? And Justin would still be with Ethan, living happily ever after, while he drowned himself in sorrow and drugs, and deteriorated into nothingness. Then again, how did he know he wasn't dead already? Maybe he was dead. Or maybe he really was crazy.

He looked at Justin and smiled and knew it didn't matter. At this point, he didn't give a shit if he was dead or crazy. At least he was with Justin, and they were okay. Even if they weren't together as a couple, they were still okay. Being friends and nothing else surely didn't change how he felt about him. Nothing would ever change how he felt about Justin; it didn't matter what kind of fucked up universe or situation he was in.

At the moment though, Justin seemed to be getting a lot more "friendly". Brian noticed Justin started grinding his ass into his lap suggestively, as he gave him a sexy stare. Say hello to Wild, Drunk and Horny Justin. Brian felt like he was going to lose it. He wasn't sure how long he could hold out until he just completely lost control and fucked the blond silly.

"Did I thank you yet, for dinner?" Justin asked, reaching for the top button of Brian's shirt and playing with it teasingly.

"I don't believe so."

"I'm sorry. That was so rude of me. Thank you very much, Brian, for a wonderful dinner." Justin leaned in and kiss Brian's cheek softly.

Brian sighed and closed his eyes, after just having felt Justin's soft lips against his skin. He wanted nothing more than to dive for the blond's mouth and devour him. But... it wasn't the right time. Justin was vulnerable and hurting from his break-up with Michael. As much as he wanted Justin at that moment, he knew it would be a huge mistake to have sex with him. The last thing he wanted was for Justin to wake up in the morning and regret what happened and then distance himself from him. It would ruin the progress he had made with the blond. It would just create more problems.

"So, I take it you had a good time tonight?" Brian asked. Justin nodded and smiled.

"I had a really good time. You're actually pretty fun when you're not being an asshole. I think it was one of the best dates I've ever been on," Justin said.

"Date?" Brian asked with a raised brow.

"That's what I said. And don't even say that you don't do dates, because whether you want to admit it or not, that was very much a date," Justin laughed.

"Okay, fine. It was a date," Brian sighed.

"See, that wasn't so bad, was it?" Justin teased.

"Fuck off."

Justin just laughed at the brunet, amused with the whole situation. He decided to take pity on Brian, and let it go for now. There were definitely other things they could be doing at the moment... Justin started to grind his ass against the other man again, loving the fact that Brian was so turned on by him. He knew he was a bit drunk; otherwise he never would have been this aggressive. He didn't care though; it felt way too good to stop.

"Why, Justin Taylor, are you trying to seduce me?" Brian asked him with a little smile.

"What do you think?" he asked in a sultry voice and wiggled his ass more in Brian's lap.

"What I think is... you've had a few too many drinks," Brian told him, and pushed Justin off of his lap, gently.

Justin frowned, wondering why Brian was turning him down. Was he not desirable enough? Justin was about to say something about it, when he remembered their conversation from the restaurant, and it occurred to him that they had unfinished business. He smiled and scooted away from the brunet a little.

"Yeah, you're probably right. I'm a bit buzzed and wouldn't want you to take advantage of me," Justin sighed dramatically, and then gave Brian a little wink.

"Right," Brian said. He was painfully hard, and was about to go back on his word as he saw Justin's sexy wink, but then reminded himself it was for the good of their future together to not pursue Justin right now, so he took a deep breath, and willed his hard-on to go down, and kept himself from ripping off Justin's clothes and fucking him senseless.

Justin noticed that Brian seemed to be losing his resistance, and smiled to himself. He would have the older man.

"So, Mister Stud of Liberty Avenue, are you ready to lose our bet?" Justin asked.

"You mean you were serious?" Brian asked. He had just been joking around with the blond earlier. He hadn't really expected him to go through with the silly bet. He knew he'd win. He knew Justin's body like his own.

"Of course I was serious. You didn't think you would actually win, did you?" Justin laughed.

"Well, I guess we won't know until we play the game," Brian smirked. "What are the terms?" he asked.

"Okay. Here it goes. I'll ask you 5 questions, and if you get at least 4 of them right, then I will owe you a favor. It can be anything; cleaning your loft, washing your dishes, running an errand - whatever. I'll be your slave boy," Justin smiled, wiggling his eyebrows up and down. He was excited to be doing this. He knew he would win. He could think of a good "favor" for Brian to do for him, and he felt his dick leak at the thought of it.

"All right, and that means the same goes for me if I happen to get at least 4 of them right?" Brian asked.

"Sure," Justin answered simply.

"And how do I know if you're lying or not? I mean, what if I'm right... how do I know for sure if you're telling the truth about whether I'm correct or not?" Brian asked curiously.

"Um, okay, I'll write down the answers to the questions first," Justin told him.

"All right, but you know, I can tell when you're lying anyway," Brian said.

"Huh?" Justin asked.

"I said, I know when you're lying."

"How do you know?"

"Your nose grows," Brian chuckled. Justin raised his brow at him. "I'm not telling. You might try to keep from giving yourself away if I tell you," Brian laughed.

"Fine."

Justin grabbed a piece of paper from Brian's desk and quickly jotted down some questions at the top of his head and then wrote the answers to them. "Okay, done," he announced and smiled excitedly. He kicked off his shoes before pulling up his legs to sit cross legged on the sofa to get himself comfortable.

"Okay, so ask away, Sunshine," Brian urged.

"All right. Question number one. Which one of these things turns me on the most... a) Running fingers through my hair. b)Kissing my neck. c) Sucking on my toes ?

Brian thought about it for a moment. He knew that Justin liked all three of those things, but the question was, which one did he like the most... He tried to think back to Justin's reaction when he did those things to him.

"I'll say, kissing your neck turns you on the most," Brian finally answered. Justin frowned at the brunet.

"Okay, lucky guess," Justin answered.

"Don't throw a fit because I got one right already. Go on, ask me another," Brian laughed.

"Okay. Do I like my men... a) Hairless b)Some hair, but not a lot or c)Hairy.

Brian smirked. This one he knew. He knew that Justin loved to bury his nose in his pubes and breath in his scent before swallowing his cock whole. He also had a tendency to give a little tug to what little chest hair Brian had when they fooled around. When they used to pick out tricks together though, he was totally turned off by the really hairy guys.

"I'm going to say some hair, but not a lot," he answered.

"Okay, another lucky guess. You're tough, Kinney," Justin said with a serious, determined face. Brian couldn't help but laugh again.

"Next," Brian urged.

"Okay, okay. What's my favorite position?" Justin asked.

Brian was a little stumped with this question. He knew what Justin's favorite position was with <i>him</i>, but because he was with Michael, it could be something way different. Sex wasn't the same with all partners.

"I'll say on your back with your legs up on your lovers' shoulders so you're face to face when he enters you," Brian answered slowly.

Justin smiled and made a sound effect like a buzzer on a game show. "Wrong! My favorite position is when I'm laying on my back and my lover is riding me," Justin said triumphantly.

Brian frowned and opened his mouth in surprise.

"Wait, that was a trick question. I'll bet fucking face to face is your favorite position when you bottom," Brian pointed out.

"That wasn't the question, Brian," Justin smiled.

Brian gave the blond a glare and shook his head.

"Hey, it's not my fault that you assumed that I was a bottom just because I bottomed for you my first time," Justin smirked.

"Are you saying that you're a top?" Brian asked, a bit shocked.

"As a matter of fact, I happen to be versatile, but mostly I do top, yes," Justin answered. Brian shook his head at the blond.

"That's such bullshit! I don't think that one should count. You know that was unfair," Brian argued.

"I think it was plenty fair, Kinney. I asked what position was my favorite, and that means any position, whether it be as a top or a bottom," Justin smiled.

"You little shit," Brian grumbled. "Fine. Next question," he pouted.

Justin laughed at him. "Now who's getting pissy because they're not winning?" Justin teased. "Don't worry, you might still win. You already got two right," he reminded.

"Yeah, yeah. Next question," Brian said impatiently.

"All right, jeez. What do you think is the one thing that would have me begging to be fucked?" Justin asked.

"Rimming," Brian simply answered.

"Shit," Justin frowned. Brian smiled, knowing that he got it right. "Another lucky guess," he said.

"Okay, let's get on with it, Sunshine. One more, and you're my slave boy for any task I want," Brian smiled.

"What is my most favorite thing to do during sex?" Justin asked, a smile planted on his face. He knew this question would stump Brian. There were too many possibilities. He would never guess right.

Brian stared at him for a moment, and then focused in on Justin's full lips. He remembered how good they tasted and how much he loved to kiss Justin. Sometimes the two of them would just kiss and kiss without even doing anything sexual. They could never get enough of each other's lips. Justin loved to kiss while they made love. He closed his eyes for a moment, relishing the memory.

"Kissing," Brian finally whispered. "You love to be kissed when you're making love," Brian said, staring into Justin's eyes. Justin looked away from Brian's intense stare. He felt his throat go dry. Brian was looking at him in a way that was giving him goosebumps. Was that lust he saw in his eyes?

"Um, sorry," Justin told him.

"What?"

"You guessed wrong."

"No, I didn't," Brian told him, his face serious and his eyes never leaving Justin's.

"I said you're wrong. My favorite thing to do during sex is talking dirty," Justin told him.

"Yes, that too. But I'm not wrong," Brian said confidently. He knew what he was talking about.

"Look on the paper with the questions, that's not what I put down," Justin argued.

"I don't give a shit what's on that paper; I'm right, Justin," Brian said, feeling his frustration grow.

"Stop being such a sore loser, and accept that you got it wrong, Brian," Justin told him, but something inside him said that Brian wasn't going to let this go easily.

"Fine; I'll admit to answering incorrectly, if you admit that you weren't honest when you wrote down your answer," Brian said, crossing his arms across his chest.

"Excuse me?" Justin laughed incredulously.

"You didn't answer honestly," Brian said.

"What the fuck - yes, I did," Justin argued.

"Stop lying!" Brian yelled.

"What are you getting so upset for? I'm not lying, Brian. You don't know what the fuck you're talking about. You think you know me Mister stud? You don't. You never took the time to learn. You never wanted to, remember?" Justin yelled back, feeling his anger rise. This whole thing started to go in a direction that neither of them thought it would. It was getting ugly fast.

Brian glared at the blond's stinging words that hit home, and for a moment he forgot that he was there, and started reliving his memories and problems of their former life together.

"Don't fucking say that," Brian said hoarsely, feeling tears come to his eyes. Things had gotten out of hand, and his emotions were all over the place. He had been trying to act as if their relationship never existed, but he couldn't sit here and deny it anymore. Justin was his, and he knew him more than anyone else did or ever would.

Justin was shocked as he saw Brian's eyes fill with unshed tears, and felt himself sober up. It was just a game. What was Brian's problem and why was he being so sensitive?

"Brian - what's wrong with you?" Justin asked, his face filled with concern.

"Don't ever say I don't know you, as if I'm some fucking stranger. You and I both know that there is no one else that knows you better than I do," Brian told him, taking Justin's face in his hands and holding it so that he had no choice but to stare into his eyes.

"Brian --" Justin said, but the man wasn't going to let him interrupt.

"And there's not a single person that knows me better than you know me. You're on to me. That's what you've always said. When did you lose that, Justin? When did you stop knowing me?" Brian asked, feeling himself get more lost in his emotions. He was talking to <i>his</i> Justin, now. The Justin that fell in love with him the first night he took him home. The Justin that he brought with him to the hospital that same night and named his son. The one who was determined to stick around in his life and break down all of his walls. The man - yes man, not boy, that forced him to feel things. His Justin, who had given up on him and somehow lost sight of how to read the Brian Kinney manual.

Brian's deprivation from the love of his life was overwhelming him now, and he literally ached at the thought of never having Justin again. He spent so much time denying his feelings for him before, but everything was different now. He didn't want to lie to Justin or to himself anymore, and he felt like shouting his true feelings from the rooftops. He owed Justin the truth.

"Brian, you're scaring me," Justin said, unable to read the brunette's expression. He had no idea what was going on in Brian's head at that moment. He had never seen him like this.

"I do know you, Justin; I just never led on that I did," Brian whispered, still holding Justin's face in his hands.

Justin continued to stare at Brian, stunned, and wondered what in the Hell was going on with the man.

Without notice, Brian leaned in and captured Justin's lips in a crushing kiss. Justin was completely taken by surprise by the man's sudden move, but found himself reacting immediately, opening his mouth and allowing Brian access inside so he could move his tongue with his. They both moaned into the kiss, and it seemed to go on forever, as their mouths sucked, nipped and moved together passionately.

Brian couldn't be happier. He'd waited so long to feel Justin's lips again. To be this close to him after being so far apart for so long.

Then, just as suddenly as the kiss started, it stopped. Justin pushed Brian away, breathless and lips swollen and red. His heart was beating so fast he thought it would leap out of his chest. He felt hot and dizzy and confused.

Brian saw the look on Justin's face, and he was brought back to the present. He had forgotten for a moment that things were different now. This wasn't his Justin sitting next to him. He silently cursed himself for his bold move on the blond. He hadn't been able to help himself. Justin telling him that he didn't know him or care to know him had brought back their past and his nasty demons. He felt he had to prove it to him with his actions, like he always had, just how much he did know him. When they kissed it was electrical. One kiss and he would know how he felt. The truth would be there for him to see.

"God, I'm sorry, Justin. I didn't mean to --" Brian started to say, but then paused as he ran a hand through his hair, trying to figure out how to explain.

"Brian - what was that? What is this really all about?" Justin asked, his head still spinning from the most passionate kiss he had ever had in his life.

There it was. Justin had asked the million dollar question.

"I'm not sure it's the right time to discuss this," Brian said hesitantly.

"I think you owe me some kind of explanation after that. What are you trying to say to me?" Justin asked.

'Fuck it,' Brian thought.

"I should have told you this a long time ago. Maybe then things would have been different and I wouldn't have lost you," Brian said.

"Told me what?" Justin asked quietly.

Brian took a deep breath and then exhaled. It was now or never.

"I love you, Justin Taylor. I always have, I always will. I can't stand the thought of never having you with me. It terrifies me that I may never be able hold you, kiss you or make love to you again. You and I belong together, and I don't care how long it takes to get you back. Even if it takes 10 alternate worlds -- I'll wait forever if I have to, just as long as I can have another chance to make things right," Brian said.

Brian smiled. He had said the words, and the world hadn't exploded. It was a lot easier than he thought to say them out loud. He actually felt relieved, and as if a big weight had finally been lifted from him, because now he had finally said it. He told the truth. He had finally released what he had been holding in for years. He felt... free.

He looked at Justin's face, and saw a single tear roll down his cheek. "I love you, Justin," he whispered again.

"I love you too," Justin whispered back, surprising even himself with his own admission. He wiped away his tear, and gave Brian a smile. Brian fell against Justin and wrapped his arms around him, hugging him.

"I'm so sorry, Justin. I'm sorry for everything," Brian said, not bothering to hold back the tears that were now falling down his own cheeks. He was wide open now. There was no reason to hold back anymore.

"Sorry? What are you sorry for, Brian?" Justin asked, confused.

"I'm sorry I tried to push you away. I'm sorry I never told you how I felt about you, and made you think I didn't care, even though I did. I still do, with all of my heart," Brian told him.

Justin couldn't believe Brian was baring his soul to him like this. He felt Brian hold onto him tighter, as the apologies kept coming.

"I'm sorry about the tricks, Vermont, your birthday - I was so fucking stupid --"

"My birthday? Brian, I have no idea what you're talking about," Justin said, giving him a confused look.

Brian nodded. "I know you don't. But that's okay. I just needed to say it, and I wanted you to hear it. I know that I've always said that sorry is bullshit, and lived by the whole 'no regrets, no excuses, no apologies' motto, but I'm saying it now. I'm laying it all out for you. I do have regrets. My excuse is that I was scared shitless to let anyone get close to me for fear that they would hurt me. But by doing all the things I did by following those fucking guidelines, I hurt you and I fucked everything up between us and ended up driving you away. And then I was just miserable. So miserable I wanted to die. I am sorry, Justin, I'm so sorry," Brian said, sobbing against Justin's chest, as he hugged him.

"Brian," Justin said. The brunet was shaking like a leaf against him, and he lovingly ran his fingers through his hair, trying to calm him down. "Brian," he called out again. Brian lifted up his tear stained face to look up at Justin, his eyes bloodshot and his face red. Justin had never seen Brian like this, and it broke his heart.

"Brian..."

"Brian, listen to me," Justin said, wiping away the brunette's tears, and looking into his hazel eyes. "I forgive you," he said softly. Obviously, Brian was going through something and this was what he needed. He would need to know he was forgiven in order to move forward. Even though Justin had no idea what Brian was talking about, it didn't matter. He would be there for him, no matter what and give him what he needed.

"Thank you," Brian whispered.

Justin smiled and kissed him softly on the lips, and then hugged him again. "We'll get through this, you'll see. Everything is going to be fine," he said tenderly, his words soothing the man.

When they finally pulled away from each other, Brian suddenly felt a wave of dizziness, and a sharp pain in his head, and winced.

"What's happening?"

"Whoa, Brian, what is it?" Justin asked. He could tell something was wrong.

"I don't know... I --" Brian then felt another sharp pain in his head, this one more intense than the last, and he screamed out.

"Brian, what's going on?" Justin asked frantically.

"Brian, can you hear me?"

He tried to focus on Justin's face, but his vision became blurry and his dizziness was so severe, he felt nauseated.

"Justin?" he asked, feeling scared, then felt himself fall backward off the sofa, landing on the floor harshly. The room was spinning faster and faster. "Don't leave me," he pleaded.

"I'm here, Brian. I promise I won't leave you. I'm going to call 911. Stay with me," Justin said, cradling him in his arms.

"Stay with me!"

Justin watched in horror as Brian started shaking and his face went pale. He saw Brian straining to focus on him. "Brian!" Justin screamed.

He lay in Justin's arms, seeing the worried expression on his face, and his lips moving, but no longer hearing any sound.

"I need help! My friend just collapsed. We're in the tall building at the corner of Tremont, on the top floor. Hurry!" Justin screamed into his cell phone. "Brian!" Justin called out.

"Justin, I can't hear you. Don't leave me!" Brian pleaded.

"Brian!"

Brian smiled with relief as he heard Justin's voice again.

"I'm here," Justin whispered, as he rocked his true love in his arms.

"I'm here."

Brian looked up at his beautiful blond angel, staring into his deep eyes of blue, and then suddenly... there was blackness.

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