Pool of Regrets

Accusations

Justin and Michael walked into their apartment just after 9:00p.m. They had just come from Lindsay and Melanie's house. Michael had said that he was going to be late, so they ended up going later than they had originally planned; something which Justin was still pissed about.

Justin shrugged out of his coat and hung it up and then walked to the kitchen and turned on the light in there.

"Well that was an evening of conversation I didn't quite expect," Michael said, hanging up his own coat, and then following Justin into the kitchen, where the blond was pouring himself a glass of iced tea.

"Yeah, you could say that," Justin answered quietly, not looking up at at his boyfriend.

"I mean, I would have expected them to ask Brian, not me."

Justin looked up at Michael and smirked.

"Yeah, because Melanie loves Brian so much and would like nothing more than to have his baby," he said sarcastically.

Michael sighed, not missing the blond's slightly irritated tone.

"Well, you know. I thought maybe Lindsay would have talked Mel into it. I mean, I thought they would want Gus' sibling to be related him," Michael answered.

"Well, I guess it doesn't matter that much to them. Melanie is the one having the baby, it's only fair that she choose who the father is, and she chose you," Justin told him, and then took a sip from his glass.

"Well, I'll definitely give it some thought," he said more to himself.

Justin nodded. He then eyed the answering machine, seeing that the red light was blinking, indicating that there were messages.

"Mike, the machine is blinking, why don't you check our messages," Justin told Michael, who nodded and walked over to the answer machine and pressed the play button. The machine notified that there was one message, then named off the the time and date before the actual message started playing.

"Hey, Michael, it's Ben. I just wanted to tell you how much I appreciated your help and input with that problem I was having with my chapter. I finally finished it, and I really have you to thank for that. I would like to thank you properly by maybe having you and Justin over for dinner one night this week. Give me a call tomorrow and let me know. All right, I'll hope to hear back from you. Goodnight."

Justin had been watching Michael carefully, and tried not to be jealous of the way his face lit up at the sound of Ben's voice. He was wearing a big grin on his face as he looked back at Justin.

"That was nice of him. What do you think, babe? Could you maybe squeeze in dinner with Ben sometime this week?" Michael asked.

"I don't know, Michael. I'm going to be kind of busy with school and projects, and I'm working a lot of evening shifts at the diner this week," Justin answered. He saw his boyfriend's face drop with disappointment.

"Oh. Well maybe some other time," Michael said. Justin briefly nodded.

"I'm going to go take a shower," he said quietly, and left the room before Michael had a chance to say anything else. He didn't really need to take a shower; he had already taken one before they left for the Lindz and Mel's house. He just had to be alone to think.

When Justin came out of the bathroom and walked into the bedroom that he and Michael shared, he saw that his boyfriend was already tucked into bed and waiting for him. He started to dry himself completely, applied his deodorant, and then pulled on a pair of sweatpants before climbing into the bed to join his lover.

Michael was staring at him curiously.

"You've been in a real mood tonight. Is there something you want to say to me, Justin?" he asked quietly. Justin raised a brow at his boyfriend.

"I should be asking you that," Justin answered, and stared at Michael almost accusingly.

"What? What does that mean?" he asked.

"I guess we're going to finally talk about this. But you know, in order to do that you are going to have to stop lying to me and just tell me what the fuck is going on," Justin said.

Michael blinked with surprise. He didn't expect this to turn around on him -- and so quickly. Obviously, from look in his eyes and his tone, Justin had been brewing for a while, and was ready to explode. He seemed eager to get this all out in the open.

"I'm not sure what you mean," Michael said cautiously.

Justin rolled his eyes at his boyfriend. He was tired of Michael pretending that things were fine when they obviously weren't. He tried to give him the benefit of the doubt, but when Michael was too quiet, or not as affectionate, and came home late most nights, he was being forced to try to guess what may be wrong with him.

Maybe Michael was tired; Maybe he was worried about money; Maybe he was just having a bad day; Maybe he did something to upset him; Maybe... he was seeing someone else. Something was going on, and if Michael didn't tell him what it was soon, he was going to drive himself crazy with paranoia.

"You've been acting strange for weeks now, and every time I ask you what is wrong, you always say it's nothing. Bullshit. I want you to tell me the truth," Justin said seriously, his eyes searching Michael's for some kind of answer.

"Me? And what about you? You've been acting weird ever since you went to see Brian after he got out of the hospital," Michael shot back.

"Why are you trying to turn this around on me? Brian has nothing to do with this. I want to know what is going on, Michael," Justin said, feeling his anger rise.

"Did you fuck him?" Michael suddenly demanded. Justin's jaw dropped as he looked at Michael in shock.

"What?" he asked incredulously.

"Answer the question. Did you fuck Brian?" he asked.

"Is that what your problem is? You think I slept with Brian?" Justin asked.

"You haven't answered the question," Michael said.

"Of course I didn't. How could you ever think I would do that? He's your best friend," Justin said.

"Well, with all that stuff he was saying when he woke up about you and him being together, and with both of you acting so strangely, what was I supposed to think?" Michael said.

"Uh, maybe for starters, that you should trust me? You should have talked to me about this sooner, Michael," Justin said, feeling completely exasperated.

"I know... I just didn't know how to bring it up," Michael told him.

"Look, never mind what Brian said when he came out of the coma. He told me later that he was very confused when he woke up. Nothing has ever happened between Brian and I while I've been with you, I swear," Justin told him.

"What the fuck are you telling me? That you were with him before?" Michael asked angrily. Justin looked away guiltily and didn't say anything.

"Oh my God, you were, weren't you?" he asked. Justin looked back at him and nodded.

"Yes. It was just once. Before you and I were together."

"I can't fucking believe this," Michael shouted, and held his head in his hands. Then something else occurred to him. "Oh my God. It was him. He was your first. He was the one who broke your heart," Michael said, looking at Justin.

"Mike --"

"You weren't ever going to tell me, were you?"

Justin shook his head.

"No. He had made it clear that he didn't want a boyfriend. When you and I got together, he and I decided to just make it all water under the bridge, and we became friends," Justin said. Michael shook his head.

"I can't believe you two lied to me all this time," Michael said.

"It doesn't change anything, Mike. You and I are together and I love you," he said, softly.

Michael stared at the blond for a while, not saying anything. After a while of silence he looked down at his hands and finally spoke.

"I kissed Ben," Michael said quietly. Justin felt a range of emotions hit him all at once.

"You what?" he asked, feeling his heart about to explode in his chest.

"I... kissed Ben," Michael repeated in almost a whisper.

"W-what does that mean, Mike? Is this part of the reason why you've been so distant lately -- because you want to be with him; is that it?" Justin asked, scared of what the answer would be. Michael looked in Justin's eyes sadly.

"I don't know," he said quietly, shaking his head.

Justin could practically hear his heart breaking, and suddenly he felt the room closing in on him. He had to get the hell out of there before he did or said something he regretted. He got up out of bed and sought out a pair of jeans and a T-shirt.

"Justin? What are you doing?" Michael asked, his face with worry.

"I just... I've got to get out of here," Justin muttered, and continued to get dressed, hastily.

"Justin, don't leave. Please. Let's talk about this," Michael pleaded.

"I can't. Not right now. I need some time. Just please, leave me alone so I can get myself together. I'll talk to you when I'm ready," Justin told him sternly, and finished tying his shoe laces. He grabbed his hoodie and car keys, and left a stunned Michael still sitting in their bed.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"Brian, wake up. I need you," Justin's voice pleaded.

Justin needs me? I've got to wake up, Brian thought. He opened his eyes, and heard the loud knocking on his loft door. He frowned as he looked at the digital clock reading 3:05, and wondered who the Hell could be there at this time of night. Could it really be Justin? Did Justin need him right now? He quickly got out of bed and pulled on a pair of jeans, carelessly leaving the top button undone, and rushed to the door. He was shocked to see Justin standing there, eyes red and puffy, and from the smell of it, obviously drunk.

"Justin? What happened?" he asked.

"I'm sorry, I don't even know why I came here," Justin sniffled, and then looked away in embarrassment.

"Come on," Brian said. He took him by the hand and pulled him into the heated apartment and closed the heavy metal door behind them. He lead him over to the sofa, and sat him down.

"Don't move," Brian said, and went to the kitchen. He came back with an opened bottle of water and gave it to the blond. "Drink," he instructed.

Justin didn't argue with him. He put the bottle to his mouth and tilted his head back a bit to let the cool water run down his throat.

They sat there in silence for a few minutes. Brian was letting Justin sober up a bit before he started his line of questioning.

When Justin finished the bottle of water, Brian took it from him.

"Feel better now?" he asked.

"Not really," Justin said.

"Do you feel sick?" Brian asked.

Justin shook his head. His eyes did not meet Brian's. He seemed to be off in his own world. "I couldn't do it," he mumbled.

"Couldn't do what?" Brian asked curiously.

"Tall, dark hair, blue eyes, hot body. He was there, on his knees. His hand was on my dick and his mouth was open..."

Brian watched as Justin's eyes filled up with tears, looking back at him helplessly. "Go on," he urged.

"I pushed him away. I couldn't do it. I wanted to. Fuck, I really wanted to, but I just couldn't," Justin said.

Brian's brows furrowed a bit. He had no idea what Justin was talking about and was confused as to what the fuck was going on. "You pushed who away, Justin?" he asked.

"The trick at Babylon," Justin said quietly.

"Why were you at Babylon picking up a trick?" Brian asked, more confused than ever.

"I was upset," Justin said.

"Obviously. You know, you could be a little less vague. It might make this go a lot faster," Brian said, giving him a little smile. Justin didn't smile back at him.

"I thought it might make me feel better. Or justified... But at that moment, I knew it wouldn't. I would just feel worse. Two wrongs don't make a right," Justin said.

"What are you not telling me?" Brian asked.

"Michael... he told me that he kissed Ben," Justin finally said.

Brian nodded.

"And from the guilty look on his face, it wasn't just a little friendly kiss that occurred. He's obviously... distraught," Justin said.

When Brian didn't say anything, Justin looked up at him. "You don't seem surprised. Did you know about this?" he asked.

Brian shook his head. "No, not for certain. I had my suspicions."

"Why didn't you say anything to me about it?"

"Because it wasn't my place. Besides, I didn't know if it was true or not. After you told me that Michael was acting weird, I was going to try to find out what was going on with him. Now I guess we know," Brian said.

"He's fucking insane. You know he had the audacity to turn it around on me? When I asked him what was going on with him he said that I had been acting strange since you woke up from your coma. And then - you're not going to believe this. He actually asked if I fucked you," Justin snorted, and shook his head.

"Wow. What did you tell him?" Brian asked.

"I told him the truth. I know you and I agreed we wouldn't say anything to him, but he seemed to think that something was going on between us, and so I told him the truth. I said that you and I were together before he and I were, and that nothing has ever happened between us since," Justin relayed.

"I see," Brian said quietly. "Was he really upset?"

"Yeah, he was. I think that was why he told me about Ben. Like as some sort of punishment or something."

"What's going on with him and Ben? I mean - well, is he gonna --" Brian paused.

"Leave me for him?" Justin finished.

Brian nodded.

"I asked him, and he said he didn't know," Justin said, the tears flowing.

Brian didn't think twice when he pulled Justin in a hug and held him for a while, letting the younger man cry against his chest. His heart broke for the blond. He never wanted Justin to get hurt. He knew exactly what this felt like. He remembered how he felt when he found out that Justin was seeing Ethan behind his back. He couldn't be upset about that right now though. <i>This</i> Justin didn't do anything to do deserve this. Brian briefly wondered if this was how karma worked? Was this happening to Justin because he had done it to someone else in his other life? Brian shook those thoughts away. It didn't matter right now.

After a while the sobbing stopped, and Justin's body became calm, and his breathing even. Brian didn't have to look at his face to know that he had fallen asleep in his arms. He continued to hold him for a few minutes, not wanting to disturb him. Finally, he carefully eased Justin off of him and maneuvered him so that he was laying flat on the sofa and then removed his shoes. He then got up and retrieved a pillow from his bed, and grabbed an extra blanket from his closet and brought them over to the sleeping blond. He carefully placed the pillow under Justin's head and covered his body with the blanket.

He stared at the blond's exhausted, tear-streaked, sleeping face, and gently wiped away any dampness from his cheeks with his thumb. Justin never once stirred. He then planted a kiss on the top of the blond head, and walked back into his bedroom, closing the door so he wouldn't wake the younger man.

He sighed and picked up his cell phone from his night stand and dialed a familiar number.

"Mikey," Brian said sternly.

"Brian? Is Justin with you?" he asked, his voice full of worry.

"He's here. He just knocked on my door about 45 minutes ago. I just wanted to call and tell you that he's here, and he's okay," Brian said. He was about to hang up, when Michael started talking.

"Why you?" Michael asked suddenly, with a jealous tone.

"What do you mean? Why not me?" Brian asked defensively.

"He has Daphne or Emmett, or even my mother to go to. Of all the people he could seek comfort in, why did he go to you - his ex-lover?" Michael asked.

"Cut the shit, Michael. He didn't come over here to fuck me, if that's what you're thinking. He's a lot more loyal than you are," Brian spat.

"Right, loyal. Why should I believe anything you have to say? You two have been lying to me for years. You never said that you fucked him. That you took his virginity," Michael accused.

"Maybe because it was none of your fucking business. It's just like you to fucking blame someone else and not find any fault on your own part. He didn't cheat on you, Mikey, and for some fucked up, twisted reason he loves you. Tell me, Michael. How is it that this is all his fault and you're not in the least to blame for fucking Ben?" Brian asked.

"Fucking Ben - I... I didn't. I only kissed him," Michael said.

"Right. How well do I know you, Mikey? You wouldn't have been acting all nervous and withdrawn over a little kiss," Brian pointed out.

"Look, it didn't get that far, okay? And that's the truth, I swear. We stopped... I stopped," Michael said.

"Who gives a shit? You still cheated, and you lied. How is that not worse?" Brian demanded.

"It's none of your fucking business," Michael hissed.

"The fuck it isn't! He's always been my business, Mikey. Now I don't know what is going on between you and the professor, but you get your shit straight and either end it with him or end it with Justin. It's not right to drag either of them along," Brian said.

"Since when have you ever tried to give me advice on relationships? You've never had one in your life. Who the fuck are you to tell me how to handle this?"

Brian closed his eyes in frustration. Michael didn't know him anymore. He couldn't very well say that he knew from experience how ugly situations like this could end up.

"Just trust, me. I know what I'm talking about," Brian told him.

"Whatever. Look, can you just tell him to come home? We need to work this out," Michael said.

"He's asleep, Michael. Leave him alone for tonight. He'll come home when he's ready," Brian said, and then hung up the phone. He felt like screaming at his best friend.

Sure, he could think of this as an opportunity. If Michael left Justin for Ben, that would leave his blond available to pursue. On the other hand, Justin would be upset and might pull away from him. It might take him forever to be ready for another relationship, and even if/when he was, who was to say that he would even consider Brian?

Brian shed off his jeans and climbed into his bed. He would try to get back to sleep and think more about everything tomorrow.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"I miss you so much. Brian?"

"Brian?"

Brian opened his eyes to see Justin standing over him. Justin. He was really there. His dreams were starting to mix with reality, and it was a little strange to him.

"Hey," Brian smiled.

"Hi," Justin said back.

"How did you sleep?" Brian asked.

"All right. Your sofa is pretty comfortable," Justin said.

"Yeah, you used to - I mean, Mikey used to sleep on it all the time when he brought me home when I was smashed," Brian said, covering up yet another slip.

Justin bit his lip, and then looked up at Brian. "Look, I'm sorry about last night..." he said, with a slight embarrassment.

"What are you sorry for?" Brian asked.

"For just showing up and making you listen to my problems and just dealing with me," he answered.

Brian sat up and pulled Justin down so that he was sitting with him on his bed. He looked into his eyes and smiled. "Justin, I'm glad you came to me. Any time you need me, I'll be here, okay? Don't ever forget that," Brian said calmly.

Justin gave him his sunshine smile, and nodded. He'd never seen this side of Brian. Yes, the surprises just continued on coming. "Thank you," he answered, and leaned in to kiss Brian's cheek.

Brian felt his heart warm and flutter at the feel of Justin's lips on his skin. Oh, how he missed those lips. "Your welcome. Have you, uh, given any thought about what you're going to do?" Brian asked.

"Well, I suppose I should go home and talk to Michael and see what he has to say for himself. See what he wants," Justin said sadly. "I'm just afraid that when I do, that his choice is not going to be me," he sighed, trying to keep his emotions in check.

"If he doesn't choose you, then he is a fucking fool," Brian said sincerely.

"God, but everything will be so fucked up. We have the comic book, and the store... I help him with the rent and bills and mortgage. He can't do that all on his own," Justin said.

'Ah, Sunshine. Even when you're hurting, you're still worried about other people, even when it's someone who hurt you,' Brian thought.

"Well, that's the choice he's making if he decides that he wants someone else," Brian told him.

Justin nodded. "I'm going to go now. I just wanted to say thanks for last night," he smiled sincerely.

"No problem at all. You know my cell number; call me if you want to do something later, or if you just want to talk," Brian offered. Justin nodded thankfully, and then left the loft.

Brian was beginning to love being compassionate. Even though it was totally lesbianic, as long as he made his Sunshine smile, he didn't care. It was more than worth it.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

"All right, everyone, thank you for coming tonight. I'll be here again on Monday afternoon, and hope to see you all then," Blake announced. Everyone nodded and stood up to either chat with other people there or to leave.

"Hey, Brian," Blake smiled, walking up to the brunet. Brian looked at Blake and nodded at him, not really happy that it was him who happened to be the NA counselor.

"I just wanted to say how glad I am that you're attending these meetings on your own. A lot of people only go to them when they're forced to by a court order. It's very admirable of you to take this step," Blake said with a smile.

"Thanks," Brian mumbled, and then looked towards the door. He wanted out of there <i>now</i>. It was bad enough going to the GLC, which he already loathed, but being around all of these people with lives just as fucked up as his or worse, was a lot to take in. And now, Blake, the former tweaked out twink who caused Ted to overdose on GHB was telling him how proud he was that he was attending these meetings. Good grief.

"Will I be seeing you on Monday?" Blake asked with interest.

"Perhaps," Brian answered, his eyes glancing toward the exit.

"Okay, well take care. Have a good weekend," Blake said with a smile, and patted Brian on the back before walking away to talk to another person in need of some overly polite enthusiasm. Brian shuddered and hurried out of the GLC. The place was giving him the creeps. He guessed there were still some things that would probably never change.

Brian glanced at his watch and saw that it was after 6. Justin would be working at the diner right now, and he was feeling a bit hungry after all those tears and woe stories. He got into his Jeep and drove to the Liberty Diner.

~*~*~*~*~*~*~

Justin saw Brian walk into the diner and smiled. It was really the only thing he had to smile about that day. Brian gave him a little wink and then sat down in his usual corner booth and waited for Justin to come over to him.

"Hi, I didn't expect to see you here tonight," Justin told him.

"Yeah, well I was over at the jeelsee, and decided to come by," Brian said, hoping that Justin wouldn't catch his mumbled word as he tried to casually cover his mouth as he said it.

"Wait, what did you say?" Justin asked in disbelief.

"I said I was at the jilsee," Brian mumbled again, trying to disguise the dreaded word even better.

"The GLC? You were at the GLC? Why?" Justin asked, amused now.

"Because I started attending NA and AA meetings there," Brian admitted with a sigh.

Justin gave Brian an impressed look.

"Wow, Brian, that's great! I guess I should have taken you seriously when you said you were going to quit," Justin told him.

"Well, I'm not cured yet, but I'm trying," Brian told him honestly. "And just so you know, I still can't stand the fucking place," Brian shuddered.

"The fact that you're making the effort is what's important. I'm so happy for you," Justin said sincerely. Brian smiled at him. He'd never admit it, but he was glad that Justin was proud of him.

"So what can I get you?" Justin asked, ready to take Brian's order with his pad and pen.

"Just a garden salad without the crutons; Italian dressing on the side, and a cup of your vegetable soup; no soda crackers," Brian told him.

"Okay," Justin nodded, scribbling Brian's order on his pad. "Anything to drink?" he asked.

"Ice water with a slice of lemon," Brian said.

"Okay, I'll be back soon," Justin said, and gave him a smile before sending off Brian's order to the cook.

"I hope so," Brian muttered to himself.

After Justin brought Brian's food to him, he sat in the booth across from the brunet. Brian looked at him questioningly.

"I'm on my 15 minute break," Justin explained. "You don't mind, do you?" he asked.

"No, be my guest," Brian smiled. Justin nodded and smiled at Brian, watching him pour his Italian dressing evenly onto his salad and then take a bite.

"So, am I allowed to ask what happened with Michael, or do you prefer to not talk about it?" Brian asked. Justin's expression turned sad, and he looked at his hands.

"He was upset that I came to your place after our fight," Justin admitted.

"I know."

"Did you talk to him?"

"Yeah, after you fell asleep I called him to tell him where you were so he wouldn't worry," Brian said, and wiped his mouth with his napkin. "So what else did he say?" Brian asked and then took another bite of his salad.

"Well, he told me that he has feelings for Ben, but that he still loves me. He's confused," Justin said sadly. Brian hated to see his blond so upset.

"I'm sorry," Brian said, before he could stop himself. Wait... Did he just apologize? What happened to 'sorry is bullshit'?

Justin stared at Brian, taking notice of his strange expression after just having said he was sorry.

"It's okay, it's not your fault. Thanks, though," Justin said quietly. He chewed on his thumbnail a bit and seemed to be deep in thought. He saw Brian staring at him expectantly, and sighed.

"He's actually out with him right now," Justin finally said.

Brian dropped his fork, causing it to chime against his salad bowl. "He what?" Brian asked, not sure if he heard right.

"He's having dinner with Ben," Justin told him.

"That son of a bitch --" Brian spat, and reached for his cell phone to ream out his best friend.

"Brian, don't. I told him to. He needs to figure out what he wants. He's going to talk to Ben," Justin said softly. Brian calmed down and then took a sip of his water.

Brian just couldn't fathom how anyone could choose someone else over Justin. He was an amazing person. He cared so much about others, and gave of himself willingly and wholeheartedly. He was brilliant, levelheaded, fun to be with, hardworking, and by far the best lover Brian had ever been with.

He knew people wanted Justin and admired him from afar -- Daphne, Chris Hobbs, the trick he stole from Brian after the King of Babylon contest, the virgin from the frat party, and undoubtedly many others - they all wanted Justin. And finally, the fucking fiddler came into the picture. Ethan had seen the pick of the litter and didn't waste any time going after what he wanted.

So, how was it that Michael could pick someone else over Justin, when he had everything anyone could ever want in a boyfriend right in front of him already?

That's when it hit him. It was hypocritical for him to think that way. He did it himself, tons of times. He slept with tricks all the time when he was with Justin. Though he didn't do it as much as when he was single, nevertheless, he still did it, and often. It was habit of his, among others that he refused to let go. It wasn't that Justin wasn't enough for him. He was more than enough. It was just that he had to prove to himself and everyone else that he was still Brian Kinney, the stud of Liberty Avenue. He had a reputation. That, and he was addicted. Sex was just as much or more of an addiction to him than drugs and alcohol were. It was another form of pain management he had used countless times over the years.

He suddenly felt sick to his stomach.

"Brian? Are you okay?" Justin asked, seeing Brian's expression. He seemed to have conflicting thoughts going on in his head, and looked spaced out. Justin doubted Brian had heard anything he had said in the last 2 or 3 minutes. He wasn't even answering him right now.

"Brian?" Justin asked again, his voice more aggressive, this time. Brian then looked at him and blinked.

"What?" he asked.

"Are you okay? You looked upset, just now," Justin told him.

Brian wiped his mouth, and then set on the table.

"Yeah. Um, I've got to go," he said, and stood up.

"Well did you want me to put your soup in a container? You didn't touch it," Justin pointed out.

"No, that's okay," he answered, and then threw some bills on the table. "I'll talk to you later," he said.

"Okay..." Justin said, and watched Brian rush out of the diner. He frowned at the man's strange behavior. He wondered what was going on with the brunet. It was like being around a complete stranger. He started to think maybe Brian had multiple personalities as a result from his head injury. Or maybe he was bipolar. Who knew?

Justin shook his head, and started to clear the table Brian had been sitting at. He would probably never understand Brian Kinney.