Pool of Regrets

Downfall

PROLOGUE

Brian tipped his head back and polished off the last drop of his Jim Beam and then threw the bottle behind him, causing it to shatter into pieces onto his kitchen floor.

"Oops," Brian mumbled out loud and stumbled into his bedroom, almost tripping on the steps on his way. He clumsily dropped down on his bed on his back, watching the ceiling above him spin like a pinwheel. He laughed acidly at the irony of it. It wasn't just his head that was spinning out of control. His life had been spiraling in constant upheaval for months now. Ever since he let the love of his life walk away from him. And for what? To prove that he didn't need him? That no one, not even Justin, could ever make him beg someone not to leave? No, of course not. He was Brian Kinney, after all. He never went after anyone. There were no locks on their doors. Justin was always free to go. If that fucking fiddler was everything that Justin wanted and needed, who was he to stop him from being with him? And so, he let him go. His Sunshine had gone away.

He decided to sit up. Laying down was just too dizzying for him. He briefly looked around his bedroom. Obviously, he needed something more numbing. He needed to not think about Justin. He needed to be able to close his eyes without seeing the blond angel's face smiling at him like he was made of gold.

Brian couldn't remember where he had put his little box of "goodies". He began to search around his room. After looking around and being unsuccessful, he finally got down on his hands and knees and started to look under his bed. He didn't have a flashlight handy, but reached his hand around trying to feel for the box. He frowned when he felt something soft, and yanked it out from under the bed. Tears immediately flooded his eyes when he saw the powder blue hoodie that said PIFA on the front in thick navy blue block letters. He hugged the sweatshirt to his chest and for the first time allowed his tears to flow. All these months he had been holding it in. All of it. Trying to pretend that he didn't care. That he could get over it. He knew that wasn't the case from the first day, but he couldn't let anyone else see his pain. Brian Kinney was a rock. He had to be strong. He had to show them - especially Justin, that he was okay. He'd always survived.

He couldn't help but bring the sweatshirt up to his face and he breathed in deeply, desperately hoping that even just a small trace of Justin's scent was left behind. And it was. It faintly smelled of his CK1 cologne mixed with his own unique smell. As he inhaled the hoodie, it was like some sort of time machine sending him straight back to the past. One sniff was all he needed to take him back to the last time he and Justin made such sweet love. He could see it playing through his head like a movie. He could hear the faint echo of Justin's giggle as he licked and kissed the blond's sensitive spots that only he knew about and whispered dirty things into his ear. He could hear Justin moaning and pleading as he pounded into him. He could hear him whisper "I love you" as he came. Justin often whispered it because he knew how uncomfortable it made Brian feel to hear the dreaded three cursed words.

Brian wiped away his tears and set the sweatshirt beside him on the floor. Now he REALLY needed his box, and he was more determined than ever to wipe out any memories of Justin. He reached back under the bed and laughed with relief when he felt the rectangular oak box with his stash of drugs in it. He pulled it out and immediately opened it, not really sure what he had in there. As of late, his drug of choice had mostly been alcohol. Old habits were hard to break. Booze had always been his best pain management.

Aside from marijuana, he had let up on the drugs a lot after Justin came to live with him after the bashing. He had to be sober and keep an eye on his boy. He needed to be able to be alert to be able to take care of him. Once in a while Justin and he would both do a hit of "E" together, but mostly the hard stuff was put away for rainy days - and today was definitely a very, very, rainy day. There was a storm brewing.

As he looked through the assorted drugs, he tried to decide which one would do the trick the best. Finally he came across his special "mix" he had gotten from Anita. He remembered how this stuff had knocked him on his ass when he took it before, and smiled. He rapidly prepared it and then sniffed the powder first through his right, then left nostril. He sighed with relief when in a few short seconds he felt a rush of tingles and warmth spread throughout his body, and all memories of Justin were wiped from his mind. He couldn't think at all at that moment. He just felt himself fall deep into another place - some place he was safe and couldn't be reached.

He never even felt it when he hit the floor.

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