Kindred Love: Boys to Men

Reopened Wounds

Brian walked into his apartment and set his keys and backpack down on the kitchen table. He was exhausted and hungry and just wanted to relax for the remainder of the evening. He grabbed all the take-out menus from a drawer in the kitchen and started flipping through them, trying to decide what he wanted to eat. Making his choice, he called up Antonio's, an Italian restaurant near Liberty Avenue, and ordered himself a Cesar salad, Fettuccine Alfredo, and some garlic bread. After hanging up, he went straight to his bedroom to undress and then headed for the bathroom to take a shower.

As Brian washed his body, he became aroused and thought of Justin. He frowned, wishing the blond was there with him. In the last month, Brian and Justin hadn't seen much of each other. Both of their lives had grown very chaotic and busy in a short period of time.

Justin had started his first semester at PIFA and though he really loved it, it was a lot of hard work. He was up to his eyeballs in projects and studying, and when he wasn't doing that, he was working at the diner.

Brian had been extremely busy as well. He had been approved for the apartment that he and Michael had looked at, and had been preoccupied getting himself and all his stuff moved in and situated. Aside from that, he had started back at school for his junior year of college at Carnagie Mellon, and was working part-time for the Forrester Agency. Things had finally been taking off for him at work. Not only had the agency agreed to work around Brian's school schedule, but Mr. Forrester had also started to allow Brian to observe and participate in a few of the meetings for some of their ad campaigns. He was now allowed to voice any ideas and thoughts he had regarding some of their client's potential ads and commercials for upcoming presentations.

Brian was ecstatic about his new tasks at work, but unfortunately, it had also taken a big chunk out of his time, and between work and school he didn't have much of a social life. He had school Monday through Thursday, and because of his class schedule on Tuesdays and Thursdays, the Forrester Agency gave him those days off. The rest of the week, his classes were either early in the morning or later in the afternoon so that he could still put in a good amount of time at work. He mostly reserved his weekends for Justin, but they were both aware it wasn't enough time together and wished they could see each other more during the week.

There was one reason Brian was grateful for being so busy though; it didn't give him much opportunity to run into Carter, whom for some reason was still in town. Brian had expected Carter to be gone by now, but Todd had told him that he'd seen the former Liberty stud more than a few times at Babylon in the last few weeks, seemingly on his way to earning back his title. Brian had been pissed when he heard about that. Carter was only supposed to be in Pittsburgh for a couple of weeks, and Brian wondered why the Hell the man hadn't returned back to New York and far away from him.

He hadn't spoken to Carter since the night he had helped him back to his hotel room and they had kissed. Not that Carter hadn't tried. The older man had called numerous times and left messages on Brian's cell phone, but they had all been ignored.

Brian didn't tell Justin what had happened that night with Carter, and thought it better that it stayed that way. He had a feeling that Justin wouldn't take it so well, and he didn't want to upset him. Besides, it wasn't as if anything really happened, and the last thing he needed was an insecure Justin questioning his place in Brian's life. He didn't want any more problems in their relationship. Things had already been a bit tense between them as of late. The stress from their busy lives tended to make them lash out at each other out of frustration. They wanted to see more of each other, but there just wasn't time. They both knew neither were at fault, but that didn't make it any easier to deal with.

What also added to the frustration, was that less time spent with Justin, meant less sexual activity. Brian hadn't been laid since before he and Justin became a couple. The two of them still hadn't slept together. The fact that Justin was still a virgin wasn't taken lightly, and because of the delicate circumstances revolving their friendship turned-relationship, they had agreed not to rush into things. Brian knew it was important to Justin that the timing was right - though, it was growing more and more difficult for him to wait. He was going crazy. It was so easy to lose himself when they were together. Whenever they touched, kissed, caressed -- it felt so electric and wonderful and... perfect. Brian wanted Justin so badly that it hurt - literally, and since he'd had a pretty active sex life almost from the time he had moved to Pittsburgh up until Justin moved into town, waiting was definitely something he wasn't used to. It had been months, and Brian was starting to wonder if he and Justin would ever have sex.

Brian continued to rub soapy suds all over his body, and when his hands came around to his stomach, he let one trail down to his cock. He was fully hard now as he started imagining what he would do if Justin were there standing right next to him in the shower, and started stroking himself. He thought of Justin's soft lips and how they felt against his, and imagined that he was there, first kissing him and then dropping down to his knees to suck him off. His hand squeezed tighter around his dick as he thought of Justin's lustful blue eyes looking up at him as he blew him. That was all it took, and Brian moaned and came hard against the shower wall. He sighed and then finished rinsing himself off before finally turning the water off and stepping out of the shower.

Brian was grateful when his food had finally arrived. By that time he was starving. He grabbed a beer from the fridge and then carried it and his food into the living room and set it all down on the coffee table. He grabbed the remote to turn on the television to see if there was anything good on. Finally settling on "Will and Grace", he sat back against his futon and started digging into his salad.

An hour later he was putting his left over pasta into the fridge, when his cell phone started ringing. He quickly went into his bedroom where he'd left his phone. In order to catch the call before it could get forwarded to his voicemail, he answered it without first looking to see who was calling.

"Hello."

"Brian?"

"Claire? What's wrong?" Brian asked, hearing the distressed tone in his sister's voice.

"Brian... we need to talk."

"Okay," Brian said nervously, not knowing what to expect.

"I just got off the phone with Mom," she said.

Brian tensed at the mention of their mother. He'd never attempted to mend the relationship with either of his parents over the years. He wasn't sure he'd ever be able to forgive them for the Hell he'd been put through as a child.

"And you thought I'd care because...?"

"She called to tell me some news about Daddy," Claire said.

"Claire, I told you, I don't give a shit about that bastard or anything that is going on in his life," Brian told her, trying not to get upset.

"I think you need to hear this, Brian," she said.

"I don't --"

"He's got cancer," Claire blurted out.

Brian closed his eyes, and felt - well, he didn't exactly know what he felt. Was it pity? Sadness? Relief?

"Brian? Are you still there?" Claire asked.

"Yeah, I'm here," he whispered, and sat down on his bed.

"Did you hear what I said?"

Brian paused before answering. "I heard, but why are you telling me?" he asked.

"Because daddy - well, he's really sick, and... he wants to see you," Claire said, tentatively.

"He what?" Brian asked incredulously.

"Mom said that the cancer started in his lungs and has spread throughout his body. The doctors told them that he only has a couple of months left at the most, but they think that it will be less than that. He's been asking for you. He wants to see you before..." Claire's voice got choked up, and Brian heard her start to cry.

Brian felt a series of emotions running through him all at once, and was torn; it was a combination of wanting to scream, laugh, cry, or just totally freak out. This man had treated him as a human punch bag most of his childhood. The last time he had seen his father was on his 14th birthday, when Jack had beat him to a pulp and then almost choked him to death for simply existing. And now his dad, or rather, the man who got his mother pregnant, was dying of cancer.

Jack was dying?

"Brian, look, I know this is hard for you to understand, but Daddy knows that the awful way he treated you when you were a child was wrong, and he regrets that. He's told me so himself, numerous times; I've just never said anything because you always refuse to hear anything that has to do with him, and get upset if I bring him up," Claire said.

"And with good reason!" Brian yelled.

"Just please listen to me, Brian. He only wants the chance to try to make amends with his son before he goes."

Brian pinched the bridge of his nose. "I can't fucking believe this! No, you know what? Fuck that. He was the one who always said that sorry was bullshit; why shouldn't that apply to HIM now?" Brian huffed.

"Brian, please. It's been so long. Daddy's changed. He's come to terms with his alcoholism and anger issues and has had to face everything he's done to his family. He's been trying to work through it all in therapy for the last few years."

Brian felt his body get more tense, and took a deep breath, trying to calm himself. "Look, Claire. I know that you have forgiven Joan and Jack, and that's fine. That's between you and them. But that doesn't mean that I am obligated to forgive them as well. You know things were different for me than they were for you when we were young," Brian reminded his sister.

"Yeah, I know," Claire said, sadly. "And you know that I feel terrible that you had to go through all that," Claire said, sniffling. "God, I only wish that --"

"It wasn't your fault. A lot of the time you weren't home or even knew what was going on when the beatings happened. We've already been through this," Brian said.

"Yes, but I just can't help but feel like I could have --"

"Trust me, you couldn't."

"Mom said the same thing. She... she really wants to see you too. She misses you so much," Claire told him.

Brian sighed again. "Sis, you know I love you, but please, just stay the fuck out of it. I'm just not able to let bygones be bygones - at least not yet. When or if I'm ever willing to do that, it has to be on my own terms," Brian told her.

"I understand," Claire said quietly. "For what's it's worth, Daddy knew that you would probably refuse to see him. He told me to make sure that you knew, that despite what it may have seemed, he's always loved you."

Brian felt his eyes well up with tears at hearing his father's message for him. He couldn't remember Jack ever saying he loved him, not even once. He'd always been convinced that Jack had hated him. The look in his father's eyes whenever he'd yelled at him for anything and everything, or when he was beating the shit out of him. And of course Brian couldn't forget Jack screaming at him that his birth had managed ruin the man's life. That statement alone had almost hurt more than the beatings had.

"Claire - I can't talk about this anymore," Brian said, the lump in his throat seemingly getting bigger.

"Brian, just think about it, okay?" she asked.

"I have to go now," he told her, and hung up. He stared ahead blankly, allowing everything his sister told him to fully sink in, and felt himself start to tremble as painful memories of his past began flooding his mind. This was why he never talked about his parents or childhood with Claire or anyone else. It was just too difficult for him to reopen those old wounds. He'd been forced to talk about some of those things in therapy when he had first moved to Pittsburgh, but he'd quit going to his sessions a couple of years ago. He didn't see any point in continuing going. Talking about it didn't change anything. It only made the hurt come back.

When Brian started to feel as if he might lose it, he did the only thing he could think of at that moment to try to ground himself, and hit one of his speed dialed numbers in his cell phone.

"Hey, I was just thinking about you," answered a voice Brian so desperately needed to hear at that moment.

"Justin... can you come over?" he asked, trying to hold back a sob as he spoke.

"Brian? What's wrong?" Justin asked, concerned.

"Please... I..." Brian couldn't say anymore. He broke down then, and felt himself give over to his tears and the pain in his heart.

"Just sit tight. I'll be there as soon as I can," Justin said.

Brian nodded, even though Justin couldn't see him, and then hung up. His tears were flowing uncontrollably now, and no matter how much he wiped them away, they just kept coming, as the memories of his abusive childhood kept running through his mind. Whenever he tried to stop the tears, he felt a painful burning in his chest. Now that he was finally releasing some of the pain that he had suppressed over the years, it physically hurt to try to keep it from escaping him. The more he tried to resist it, the sharper the pain became. This was an unfamiliar feeling to him. He never cried. He was used to pushing these types of emotions deep within himself, but it was too overwhelming for him to do it this time.

Fifteen minutes later he heard knocking at his door, and got up to answer it. When he opened the door, a worried Justin came rushing into the apartment and wrapped his arms around him. Brian immediately accepted the embrace and held on to the other man tightly, his tears running freely down his cheeks. As he clung to the younger man, he immediately felt relieved and knew that calling Justin had been the right thing to do and was so glad that he was there with him.

Justin continued hugging Brian for several minutes, before finally pulling gently away from him. He needed to know what was going on so he could try to help Brian. He wiped away some of Brian's tears with his thumb and looked into his boyfriend's swollen, bloodshot eyes and felt a pang in his chest seeing him this way.

"Brian, what's going on? Talk to me," he pleaded.

Brian sniffled, and wiped away some more of his own tears, and then led Justin to the futon so they could sit down and talk.

"Sit down, I'll be right back," Justin said, and quickly went to the kitchen to grab a bottle of water from the fridge, and then picked up a box of Kleenex from the counter and carried the items back with him over to the futon. He handed the bottled water to Brian, then took several tissues from the box and handed them to him as well before setting the box down on the coffee table. Once he was seated, Justin waited patiently as Brian wiped the remainder of his tears with the tissues and then took a long swallow from the bottled Aquafina water. He watched as Brian then sat there silent, seemingly collecting his thoughts, and after a moment, took his boyfriend's hand and brought it up to his lips and kissed it gently.

Brian held on to Justin's hand as he looked into his eyes, seeing the love reflected in them, and couldn't help but smile a little. He knew how lucky he was to have him.

"God, I hate that you're seeing me like this," Brian admitted with another sniffle.

"I do too - only because it kills me to see you hurting," Justin told him. "I'm glad you called me, though," he added.

Brian nodded. "Me too." Then he let out a small laugh. "I must look like shit right now."

Justin shook his head. "You look beautiful. You always do," he whispered, and leaned his head on Brian's shoulder, and interlaced their fingers. "Brian, what happened?" he asked softly.

Brian sighed, and kept his focus on the hand he was holding. "Claire called me today and... she told me that Jack is dying of cancer," Brian said.

Justin gave Brian a surprised look. "Your dad's sick?" He hadn't expected this to be the reason Brian was so upset.

Brian nodded. "She said that he wants to see me."

Justin looked at Brian's expression carefully. "And what did you tell her?" he asked.

"I said no fucking way."

Justin nodded. "Did she give you a hard time about it?"

Brian shrugged. "She wants us all to be one big happy fucking family again... except the problem is, we never were," Brian said, and then took another sip of his water. "She thinks that I should give my father his last dying wish to make amends with his son before he makes his way down to Hell," he added, coldly.

"And you disagree?"

Brian looked at over at Justin, trying to read his expression. "You think I should too, don't you?" he asked.

"I didn't say anything," Justin defended.

"But you were thinking it."

Justin sighed. "Brian... don't take this the wrong way, because I'm not taking sides here," Justin started to say, and frowned when he felt Brian pull his hand away from his.

"What the Hell is this? I'm the fucked up one, right? So just because he's dying and is suddenly regretful and wants to make nice with me, I should just forgive and forget everything that bastard put me through?" Brian asked incredulously.

Justin looked at Brian, stunned by his anger, and shook his head. "No, that's not what I was going to say."

Brian crossed his arms over his chest. "Okay, then, enlighten me."

"You haven't spoken to your father since before you left Philadelphia. You've never spoken to him about how you feel about him or the way he treated you. I know there's a lot that you've kept inside all these years. If you don't take this opportunity, you'll never have the chance to tell him all the things that you've needed to say; things he needs to know and hear, and should come from you. I'm not saying to do it for him; you should do it for yourself, so you can finally move on and start to heal," Justin said.

Brian shook his head. "You don't understand. I can't even think about him without getting all fucked up. How the Hell am I going to handle seeing him again? I don't want to talk to him -- I don't even want to be in the same room with him, Justin."

"Brian, he can't hurt you anymore." Justin said, gently, reaching out for Brian's arm.

Brian looked up at Justin, feeling anger take over him again. "I'm not some fucking little faggot, scared shitless of the big bad wolf," he barked, pulling his arm away.

"Brian..." Justin tried to argue, but the other man cut him off.

"Need I remind you that the fucking bastard tried to kill me?" he said angrily.

"No, you don't! And you also don't need to tell me how strong of person you are. I know that, maybe more than anyone else. I've seen it with my own eyes. I watched you survive your childhood. I saw the bruises and marks and scars. I saw the look on your face when you woke me up in the middle of the night after your dad had just attacked you. I was there too, remember?" Justin said, his own eyes filling up with tears at the memory of how Brian looked that night, all bloody and beaten and scared.

Brian's expression softened at that, but he remained quiet.

Justin leaned over and hugged him. "I love you, and I hate that you're having to go through this right now," he said, and soothingly ran his fingers lightly through Brian's hair. "I'm on your side, Brian. I'm always on your side. Don't you know that?" he asked.

He felt Brian nod against his shoulder. "Yeah," Brian whispered.

"You need to do what's right for you. Just... make sure you think long and hard before you decide what that is," he told Brian.

Brian gently pulled out of their embrace and looked at Justin's tear-stained face. Justin looked so beautiful, even in this state. He stared at the younger man's ruby lips and unable to resist, he leaned in to place a gentle kiss on them. Once their lips touched though, he felt that familiar electricity between them, and what had started out as an small kiss quickly turned into something more.

Brian shoved his tongue into Justin's mouth, and the blond reacted immediately, accepting and encouraging the french kiss. Their hands were everywhere; running up and down one another's back, in each other's hair, both trying to pull the other impossibly closer. They had both missed this kind of contact and reveled in the closeness and passion they felt for each other as they touched.

"Justin," Brian whispered hoarsely in between urgent kisses. He was painfully hard and from the way his boyfriend was pressing against him, he knew that he wasn't the only one.

"I've missed this so much," Justin moaned, not seemingly able to get enough of Brian's mouth.

"Me too," Brian panted, and then his hand found Justin's hardness and started rubbing the member through his clothing.

"Ohh..." Justin reacted, and moved his hips trying to get more friction on his crotch.

Brian moved his mouth to the sensitive spot on Justin's neck and lightly sucked on it, feeling the other man shudder against him. "God, I want you so much," Brian whispered lustfully, and then pulled off his own shirt.

Justin felt his heart quicken, and grew harder at the sight and touch of Brian's naked chest, and ran his fingers over the smooth, hot, skin. Before he knew it, Brian was pulling off his shirt as well, and then started unbuttoning his pants. He grew a little nervous, wondering if Brian had misunderstood his encouragement. He knew he should say something, but it all felt so good that he didn't want to stop.

Brian pushed Justin back onto the futon so that he was laying down, and got on top of him, pushing his own pants off and tossing them on the floor. They were both now only in their underwear, making out fervently as they humped each other. Brian could hardly think. He was on autopilot and it was as if his body had a mind of it's own and he was just going along for the ride.

When Justin felt Brian's kisses get harder and his movements more urgent, he knew that he had to try to get some of his self control back. He had a pretty good idea what Brian had in mind for them at the moment, but they hadn't talked about it. Brian was really upset about his father and Justin didn't think it was a good idea for them to have sex when Brian was so emotionally wounded.

He felt Brian working to get his underwear off, and he knew he had do something. "Brian," he said, trying to get the young man's attention.

"Oh, God, Justin," Brian replied, grasping Justin's bare cock as he sucked on his nipples.

Justin was torn. It all felt so fucking good, but he knew they needed to stop. The timing was all wrong.

"Brian, wait..." he tried again. He looked at Brian's eyes and saw how heavily dilated they were. Brian continued his ministrations without slowing his pace, as if he hadn't even heard the younger man speak. Justin frowned, wondering where his boyfriend had gone. The man he was with right now was not the same man he knew.

"Brian, STOP. Slow down," he said in a louder voice.

Brian finally looked up at him, his mouth curling up in a devilish grin. "Just relax, baby. I'm going to make you feel so fucking good," he said, and then suddenly engulfed Justin's cock with his hot, warm, mouth.

Justin closed his eyes and gasped as Brian deep throated him. "Brian... oh God... Brian, wait. Stop. We need to stop..." Justin told him desperately, trying get a hold of himself.

Brian released Justin's cock from his mouth and then attacked his lips again. "You feel so fucking good," he whispered as he jacked Justin's dick.

"Brian..."

Brian dragged his tongue along Justin's neck and then bit it. It wasn't a hard bite, but it was enough to make Justin realize that Brian was in his own world right now and he needed him to come back to reality.

"BRIAN! I SAID, STOP!" Justin yelled, and with all his strength pushed his boyfriend off of him, making him fall onto the floor and land with a thud. He saw Brian's expression change from confusion to guilt and then aggravation. He was panting hard, his face was flushed and sweaty, and his hair was pointing in every which direction.

"What's your problem? I thought you were into it?" he said with a frown.

Justin brought his knees up to his chest and hugged them. "I was," he said softly.

"Then why did you tell me to stop and push me away?" he asked.

Justin sighed. "It's not the --"

"Please, don't say it's not the right time. I really don't want to hear that again," Brian said, pinching the bridge of his nose. He was so frustrated and horny as Hell.

"What do you want me to say then, Brian? You're hurting right now. You're not yourself. It wasn't you that was kissing me just now; you were somewhere else."

"I don't know what the fuck you're talking about," Brian said, shaking his head in denial as he pulled on his pants that had been tossed on the floor only minutes earlier.

"Brian, it's okay. I know that you're upset about Jack. But I don't want our first time that we make love to be about him. I want it to be about us. I want it to be at a time when we're both happy, and not be about pain management," Justin said.

Brian knew that Justin was right and suddenly felt a huge wave of guilt. He had just tried to use Justin in an attempt to forget his emotional pain. He loved Justin more than anything, and just as he knew he would, he was fucking everything up. Big surprise, there. He had practically almost forced himself on him, and that thought alone scared the shit out of him. He suddenly had to get out of there.

Justin watched as Brian quickly started getting dressed. "What are you doing?" he asked nervously.

"I - have to get out of here for a little while," he answered, putting on his shoes.

"Brian, wait! Don't leave. We need to talk about this," Justin pleaded.

"I can't right now," Brian said, and grabbed his cell phone and keys before walking towards the front door. He suddenly looked back at Justin before he opened it. "I'm sorry," he told him, his eyes full of unshed tears, and then left, forcing the hurt expression on Justin's face out of his mind.

As Brian walked out the door, he knew he had to let Justin go. He wasn't good enough for him, and would just end up hurting him in the long run. Justin deserved someone better and with less baggage. He knew what he had to do, and got out his cell phone.

"Meet me at Woody's in 20 minutes," he said into the phone and then hung up.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Carter heard the click indicating that the line had disconnected, and stared at his cell phone, stunned, by the unexpected call. He had been trying to get Brian to talk to him for weeks to no avail, but now it seemed the younger man was ready. He smiled to himself as he grabbed his keys and headed straight for Woody's.