Kindred Love: Boys to Men

Pain Management

When Carter arrived at Woody's, Brian was already there. As he approached the bar, he watched as the younger man downed two shots in a row. He frowned, wondering what was going on with him.

"What are you drinking?" Carter asked as he took the barstool next to Brian.

Brian looked over at Carter with a blank expression. "Jack." Brian then chuckled to himself. "Very appropriate for the occasion," he smirked.

Carter raised a brow at the man, and wondered how many drinks he'd had. "And which occasion would you be speaking about?" he asked.

Brian shook his head. "I didn't call you here to talk. I've done enough talking for one night," he said, and waved to the bartender to bring him another shot.

Carter frowned. "Okay... so if you don't want to talk, why did you tell me to meet you here?" he asked.

Brian shrugged. "I thought we could hang out."

"Uh, Brian, I hate to break it to you, but hanging out usually involves talking," Carter pointed out.

"Not necessarily. How about hitting Babylon? You know, like we used to," he said.

"Babylon?" Carter repeated, raising a brow.

"Is there a fucking echo in here? Yes, Babylon," Brian said, annoyed. "You know, Gay PA's land of drinking, dancing, drugging and fucking hot men to your heart's delight," he stated with a drunken smile.

Carter looked at Brian skeptically. "That's true, but you usually only go there for the dancing; the other stuff isn't really your style. In fact, as long as I've known you, you've never been much of a drinker, but you're tossing them back like water tonight. What the fuck is going on with you?" he asked.

Brian glared at his former lover. "Okay, fine. You want to talk? You can stay here and play 20 questions by yourself, and I'll go to Babylon alone. I'm sure I'll be able to find someone who is much better company," Brian slurred, and stood to get up, but once he started to walk, he suddenly realized how drunk he was, and had to hold onto the barstool he'd been sitting on, to steady himself.

"Whoa, stud," Carter said, helping Brian to stand up. "I don't think you should go anywhere like this. Give me your cell phone. I'll call Justin to come get you. There's no way you're driving like this," he said.

"Leave him the fuck out of this!" Brian yelled.

"Okay, fine, whatever you say! Shit," Carter muttered under his breath. He then threw some bills on the bar and took Brian's arm and started leading him toward the door. "All right then. Come on, I'll take you home so you can sleep this off," he said.

Brian pulled his arm free from Carter's hold. "Fuck you! I said I wanted to go to Babylon, and I'm going, with or without you," he told him.

Carter sighed. He wasn't about to let Brian run off in this condition with no one to keep an eye on him. Besides, maybe he could get Brian to open up to him about what was going on. "Fine, I'll go with you. Let's go," he said, and led him to his BMW. Brian would have to pick up his own car in the morning.

~**~**~**~**~**~

When they arrived at Babylon, Brian headed straight for the bar. Carter followed him without a word, knowing that Brian would just tell him to fuck off if he tried to stop him. Before he could order a drink though, Carter grabbed his hand.

"Come on, let's dance. We can get a drink later," he suggested, hoping that the dancing would help Brian to sober up some. Then maybe he could get him talking about what was bothering him.

Brian looked at Carter a moment and hesitated. He wasn't nearly drunk enough yet. The news of Jack's cancer and what had happened with Justin earlier was still weighing heavily on his mind. On the other hand, he hadn't really danced in a while. In fact, he hadn't had time to do much of anything besides school and work. Dancing always made him feel happy and he knew he could use a little happiness right about then.

"Okay," he agreed, and allowed himself to be pulled onto the dance floor by the older man.

The DJ was really good tonight, and the music was pumping through Brian's veins. He closed his eyes, enjoying the beat, and moved his body in time against his dance partner. He felt arms holding him securely around the waist, and allowed himself to be taken by the music. When he opened his eyes, he saw Carter's intense gray orbs staring back at him, and in that moment it was as if Carter had never left. It was all so familiar being with his ex lover like this again, and he couldn't help but to fall back on some good memories the two of them had once shared -- and from the look the older man was giving him, he was pretty sure Carter was thinking along the same lines.

Brian recognized that look in his eyes, and didn't pull away when Carter leaned down to kiss him. The kiss was wet and deep and felt just as good as it ever did, and as he felt Carter run his hands over his ass and squeeze it, he moaned. Shit, how he had used to love it when Carter did that; it made him feel so... wanted, so needed. When the kiss finally ended, they continued to dance closely together, grinding against one another, both of them hard as a rock.

~**~**~**~**~**~

As they danced, Carter's mind took him back two years earlier, when he and Brian would do this for hours; just dancing and rubbing and kissing. It was hard for him to believe that they were actually there, at Babylon, just like they used to be, all the time. He couldn't deny how great it felt to be near Brian like this again; being so close, touching and kissing him. It was confusing as Hell, and it started to remind him of the reason he had begun freaking out just before he had moved to New York. There was something special about Brian that made him different from all other men.

Brian had never been a trick to him. They'd had a great friendship for years before anything intimate had happened between them - Christ, Brian had only been a kid when they'd first met, though most wouldn't have guessed him as young as he was, not only because of his physical appearance, but also because the boy had always been wise beyond his years. Carter had felt protective over the young man, but the funny thing about that, was that Brian had sort of taken on the role of looking out for him as well, even though he was quite a bit younger.

He'd never intended to fall into a sexual relationship with Brian. In fact, after that first time they'd slept together, he had told himself that it wouldn't happen again - only, that was easier said than done. Once he'd had a taste, he just couldn't seem to help himself, and what had started as a one-time only thing, had escalated into a hot summer fling. It had been the closest that Carter had ever felt to anyone, both physically and emotionally, and it scared him. The job offer in New York couldn't have had better timing, and he didn't hesitate in his choice in accepting it and getting the fuck out of Pittsburgh, and away from everything; his parents, his problems and... a hot, wonderful, smart young man who loved him.

Carter was suddenly brought out of his nostalgic state when someone tapped on his shoulder. "Can I cut in?"

"Fuck off," he said, without turning to see the face of the man who wished to interrupt their dancing.

"I really do insist," the voice said in a stern tone. Carter turned around to tell off the trick and was surprised to see Todd standing there staring at him, and not looking happy.

"What the fuck do you want?" Carter asked annoyed.

"Getting deaf in your old age? I said I wanted to cut in," Todd said with a glare. He looked over at Brian, who was unaware of his presence. His eyes were closed as he was dancing. Todd had seen that look on his face before and knew that Brian was drunk - and that something was wrong.

"Yeah, and I just told you to fuck off," Carter said, dismissively.

"I need to speak to Brian," Todd said.

Brian, who'd heard his name, opened his eyes and looked to see Todd standing there. "Hey, Todd! How's it going?" Brian exclaimed with a drunken smile.

Todd gave him a serious look. "We need to talk," he told Brian. Brian nodded and looked over at Carter.

"Why don't you go get us those drinks you promised?" he told him. Carter didn't look pleased at all, but nodded in agreement, and left them to go to the bar.

Todd started dancing with Brian but was glaring at his friend. "What the fuck is wrong with you?" he demanded.

"What?" Brian asked, pretending not to know what Todd was referring to.

"Don't give me that fucking look, Brian. Do you mind telling me why the fuck you were just groping and sucking face with your ex?" he asked.

"Fuck! Just mind your own business for once," Brian snapped.

Todd ignored him and shook his head. "Why, Brian? Why would you fuck up what you have with Justin for THAT narcissistic prick?" Todd asked, pointing in Carter's direction.

"What the fuck do you care?" Brian spat. "What is it that you're always saying? Oh, that's right. Boyfriends are for suckers!"

"Of course I fucking care. You're one of my best friends, you asshole!" Todd yelled. "And even though I prefer not to have a boyfriend, that doesn't mean that I'd be cool with you cheating on Justin! I happen to think of him as a friend, too, you know."

Brian didn't say anything. He attempted to tune Todd out and closed his eyes and tried to let the music take him away again as he danced. Todd wouldn't have it though, and shook Brian to get his attention.

"What the Hell is going on, Brian? Instead of being home asleep right now, why are you drunk out of your mind and here with Carter?" he demanded. It was known to all of Brian's friends that during the week days, because of work and school, Brian almost never went out to Babylon, and if he did, he never stayed late. Right now it was almost midnight, and Todd knew that Brian had work in the morning.

"Justin and I are over," Brian said, his heart feeling like it was breaking as he said the words.

Todd looked at Brian like he had grown a second head. "What? Why?" he asked.

"I don't want to talk about it. Now, if you'll excuse me, there's a drink waiting for me at the bar --"

Todd grabbed Brian's arm hard. "Fine, you want to go fuck everything up? That's your business. But just so you know, Justin came in here really upset looking for you, and happened to witness that lip lock that you and Carter shared a little while ago," Todd informed him.

Brian looked at Todd with wide eyes and immediately sobered. "Justin's here? He saw us?" he asked, feeling his chest tighten.

Todd nodded. "I was at the bar, and he came over to me and asked if I'd seen you around. I told him no, but the bartender told him that he'd seen you go out onto the dance floor. We looked over, and sure enough, there you were, right there in plain sight, with Carter's tongue halfway down your throat, and groping your ass."

Brian felt sick to his stomach. He'd never wanted Justin to be hurt that way. To see that must have been the ultimate knife twist. He couldn't remember feeling more horrible about something he'd done, in a long time. What was worse, was he knew what it probably had looked like to Justin; that he likely thought that Brian was substituting him for Carter because he'd refused to sleep with him earlier.

"Fuck! Where is he? I've got to talk to him. I need to explain," Brian said, looking around the large club for a familiar blond head.

"What the fuck do you think? He ran out of here. He looked devastated," Todd told him.

Brian ran a hand through his hair. "Shit, I've got to talk to him now. He deserves an explanation," he said, pushing his way through the crowd on the dance floor. Todd followed close behind.

Once they got closer to the exit, Todd grabbed Brian's arm to get his attention. "Brian, did you or did you not break up with Justin?" he had to ask.

Brian sighed and shook his head. "No, I didn't."

Todd gave him a puzzled look. "But you said --"

"I know what I said."

"Then you haven't said anything to Justin about it yet?"

"No."

"Okay, then it's still not too late," Todd said, hopefully.

"Just leave it alone, Todd! Accept it! Justin and I are over!" Brian yelled.

Todd frowned. "How can someone who is so smart be such a fucking idiot sometimes?" he said, shaking his head in disbelief.

Brian sighed. "I just think it's best that he and I take a little break."

"Best for whom?" Todd challenged. "For him or you? How fucking convenient for you to have the easy way out and to just say 'fuck it' and go with the whole 'he's too good for me' excuse. God, Brian, you are so full of shit, and you know it!" Todd said angrily.

Brian stared at his friend in disbelief. He'd never seen Todd react this way before -- and certainly not over him ending a relationship.

"Look, you don't know what's going on..."

"Well, enlighten me! What the fuck happened that was so bad that you're going to destroy the best thing you've ever had?" he asked. "Don't you know how fucking great you have it with Justin? You two have something really good together, Brian. I happen to know many guys who would kill to be with him - Cameron being at the top of that list."

Brian winced at the mention of Cameron's name. "I can't get into it right now. I fucked up, and that's all I'm going to say. I have to go. I've got to find him and talk to him," Brian said, and rushed out of the club, leaving his friend standing by himself, watching him leave.

Carter walked over to Todd and stared him down. "Let me guess. You told him that I was bad news and that he should get as far away from me as possible," he said, and took a swig of his beer.

"I didn't have to. He already knows that," Todd said.

Carter smirked. "Yeah, it sure seemed like it while we were kissing and by the way he kept grinding his hard dick against me," he said sarcastically.

Todd shook his head and glared at him. "Yeah, I don't have to guess who started that," he said accusingly. Carter smiled and shrugged, which irked Todd even more. "What the fuck are you still doing in the Pitts anyway? I would think that a big shot lawyer high in demand such as yourself, would need to get back to work. So why are you still here?" he asked suspiciously.

"My business here is none of your concern," Carter told him.

"Whatever. Just know that your being here is fucking Brian up. He doesn't need this shit."

"Ah, the ever overprotective friend," Carter smirked. "It's kind of cute, actually."

"Fuck off! Don't you get it? You're not wanted here. So why don't you just leave us the fuck alone?"

Carter was getting tired of this little twink always running his mouth. "For your information, Brian called ME, tonight. Not the other way around. If he wants to see me, who am I to refuse a friend in need?"

"You're not his fucking friend. You're a manipulative, condescending bastard who enjoys fucking with people's emotions. The only reason you want Brian is because he doesn't want you anymore, and it's killing you knowing that you can't have what you want," Todd said.

Carter got very close to Todd's face. "You think you know me? Let me tell you something. You don't know shit about me or my feelings for Brian, so I suggest you shut the fuck up," Carter warned, his voice having gone an octave lower.

"Ohh, I hit a nerve," Todd taunted. "Don't tell me that the whore of Liberty Avenue actually fell for someone," he laughed.

Carter's face flushed red. He wanted to hit the younger man. Just fucking knock that smile right off of his face. But before he could do that or say anything, Todd spoke again.

"Well, I hate to break it to you, sweetheart, but you'll never have Brian. He won't ever want you after what you did to him. I know him way too well. There's something going on with him right now, something that has nothing to do with you, me or maybe even Justin, and whatever it is, he's having a hard time dealing with it. For whatever reason he chose you as an outlet tonight, but don't think that he's going to come running back to your bed, because he's not. This isn't about you," Todd said, and then walked away from the older man.

Carter let what Todd say register. For whatever reason he chose you as an oulet. The wheels started turning in his head, and then Carter sighed, as the realization hit him. 'Could this be about Jack?' he wondered. It made sense. He thought about Brian drinking Jack Daniels at Woody's, and saying that it was appropriate for the occasion. Brian wasn't really a drinker. He drank socially, but rarely got drunk.

Yes, this had to be about Jack Kinney. Carter wondered what the fuck the bastard had done to cause Brian to be such a mess tonight. Then it suddenly struck him that Brian had reached out to him tonight. Not Michael or Todd or even Justin; but HIM. That had to count for something, but what did it mean? Carter decided to let it go for now. He'd try to talk to Brian about it later. For now, he just wanted to unwind. He looked around the club and soon made eye contact with a tall dirty blond man and nodded at him. Carter walked toward the back room, and didn't bother checking to see if the man was following him. He knew he was.

~**~**~**~**~**~

Brian frantically knocked on Justin and Emmett's door, impatiently waiting for someone to answer. Finally the door opened, and he was face to face with an angry looking Emmett.

"Brian, just go. He doesn't want to see you," Emmett said coldly.

"I need to speak to him, Em. I don't care if I have to camp out here all night and wait for him to come out in the morning," Brian said, determined.

"Well, I should grab you a blanket then, because there's no fucking way I'm letting you in," Emmett said, defiantly. He then seemed to consider his words, and then added, "On second thought, fuck the blanket; I hope you freeze!" and was about to slam the door in Brian's face, but Brian put his foot in the way in order to prevent that from happening.

"Emmett, please?" he begged. "I don't want him to think..." Brian paused, feeling himself choke up. "He needs to know that it has nothing to do with him," Brian tried to explain.

Emmett was taken back by Brian's unshed tears, but tried not to show it. "You really expect me to believe that?" he said, his arms folded across his chest.

"It's true, Em. It was a mistake. I fucked up. I really fucked up, and not for the first time tonight, I know. I just really need to talk to him. I need to make sure he understands that it's not his fault," Brian said desperately.

"Of course it's not his fault," Emmett frowned.

"Yes, but if I know him, he's in his room right now, blaming himself," Brian said.

Emmett looked away. It was true. Justin was blaming himself. It was pretty hard for him not to after seeing Brian kissing Carter after what had happened at Brian's apartment earlier. He sighed.

"All right. I'm giving you ten minutes, and not a moment longer," Emmett told him.

Brian sighed with relief. "Thanks, Em."

Emmett let Brian inside, and then closed the door behind them. "He may not even agree to see you. Wait here," he told Brian, and walked over to Justin's room and knocked. He walked in before he could get a reply, and then closed the door behind him. Two minutes later he came back out.

"Your time starts now," he told Brian sternly, his arms folded across his chest.

Brian nodded and then walked into Justin's room, and closed the door. He saw Justin sitting cross legged on his bed, hugging his pillow to his chest, and looking downward. He had tear stained cheeks, and looked so broken. And even though all Brian wanted was to go to Justin and comfort him, he was almost afraid to go near him.

"Justin?" he called softly.

"What are you doing here, Brian?" he asked, still not making eye contact.

"I uh..." Brian stuttered nervously. He'd had everything he wanted to say planned, but now that he was there with Justin, he had a hard time finding the right words.

"What?"

"Todd told me that you saw Carter and me... and... well, I just didn't want you to think that --"

"You didn't want me to think what, Brian? I know I'm a little younger than you, but I'm not an idiot. Your message came across loud and clear," Justin said, finally looking up to meet Brian's eyes.

"Justin... I didn't mean to hurt you. I never meant for you to see that," he told him.

"Wow, thanks. That makes me feel a whole lot better," Justin said sarcastically.

"No! I mean... shit, this isn't coming out right. It just happened. I made a huge mistake, Justin, and I'm sorry," he said, and walked closer to Justin's bed. They sat in silence for a few moments before Justin finally spoke.

"Why didn't you tell me that you still have feelings for Carter?" he asked.

Brian shook his head. "I don't."

Justin frowned. "No, Brian, just stop! Don't fucking lie to me!" Justin yelled.

Brian was taken back by Justin's outburst and sat on the bed next to him and tentatively took his hand in his. "I'm telling you the truth. I don't feel anything for him," he assured Justin.

"Sure as hell didn't look that way to me."

"It's not like that. I mean, I got caught up in some old memories. I didn't meet him to hook up, I swear."

Justin looked up. "So, you called him?" he asked. Justin had hoped that Brian had run into Carter at Babylon and had not asked his ex to meet him.

Brian nodded. "Yeah," he admitted.

"Why?" Justin whispered.

Brian paused before answering. "Well, there are some things about Carter and I that you don't know," he replied.

Justin swallowed, nervous about what Brian had been keeping from him. "Like what?" he asked.

Brian sighed. "Carter and I - we both come from similar backgrounds. He and I both grew up in abusive homes. His father's personality was like a replica of Jack's, especially when it came to the physical and emotional abuse," Brian explained.

Justin felt his blood go cold at the mention of Brian's horrible past abuse. "So you felt a connection with him," he said, more out loud to himself.

Brian nodded. "He was someone who understood what it was like. We both fought our inner demons as far as our abuse went, and it was nice having that kind of unspoken support. We didn't talk a whole lot about our experiences; we just took the comfort we needed in each other that was equally offered. Most of the time we didn't say anything. Usually we would just go to Babylon and dance the night away."

"What happened tonight - it was just so bizarre; almost like two years hadn't passed at all. I was with him, and we were dancing, just like we used to. My eyes were closed, and all I wanted was to be taken away by him and the music... to be in another time and place. I wanted to feel like nothing else mattered. I missed feeling that way," Brian admitted.

Justin was starting to understand more. Carter had been Brian's support for five years. It was more apparent to him now why Brian was so hurt when Carter left two years prior. Brian had grown very emotionally attached to the older man. With sex added to the equation, that had surely made Brian's feelings for Carter grow even deeper and undoubtedly made his leaving Pittsburgh even harder to accept. Brian had trusted him, and for the first time, Carter, who'd been his friend, supporter and lover, had let him down.

Justin's anger was now shifted more towards Carter, for hurting Brian that way.

"Brian, did you love him?" Justin asked softly.

Brian thought about that question for a moment, and then slowly nodded. "Yes. But I loved him as my friend. When things escalated into a physical relationship, I thought I was in love with him, but I realized later, that I wasn't. Sex made things more complicated and confusing, but it felt great, and neither of us wanted to stop, so we just kind of ignored the possible repercussions, and kept on as we were - until he got the offer in New York and left," Brian said. He squeezed Justin's hand a little and then ran his thumb around the top of it, softly.

"How do you know that you weren't in love with him?" Justin asked.

Brian lightly ran a thumb across Justin's cheek as he saw the insecurity in his eyes. "Because what I felt for him doesn't even come close to how I feel about you and what we have. I know the difference. I feel it every day," Brian told him.

Justin saw truth and sincerity in Brian's eyes, and set his pillow aside and reached out for Brian, who immediately leaned into his embrace. They hugged tightly for a few moments, not saying anything.

"Brian," Justin whispered.

"Yeah?"

"I'm sorry that I wasn't a very good friend tonight," he said.

Brian pulled away and frowned. "What?"

"I should have just stayed quiet when you told me about Jack, instead of telling you how you should handle it. I should have just been there for you as your friend. That's what you really needed from me, and I failed you. If I would have just listened and supported you, then maybe you wouldn't have needed to call Carter," Justin said, a lone tear slowly trailing down his cheek.

Brian shook his head. "No, Justin. Don't you dare apologize for a single fucking thing! I knew you were right. I just didn't want to deal with it. I don't want to see Jack again, but... I need to. It's time for me to finally move on."

Justin nodded. "Whatever you decide to do, I'll be there for you. I love you, Brian. What's best for you, is best for me," he smiled.

Brian smiled back at him, and they hugged again.

"So... where does this leave us?" Justin asked nervously once they pulled away from their hug.

Brian looked into those blue eyes, those eyes that were so full of love for him. He still felt horrible about what he had done to Justin earlier in the evening, but right now there was no doubt in his mind that he needed the other young man. Breaking up with Justin would be a mistake; one he knew he'd regret.

"Well, that all depends... on whether or not you decide to forgive me," Brian said, his voice full of hope.

Justin nodded. "I understand about what happened with Carter, Brian," Justin said.

Brian shook his head. "I'm not just talking about that. What I did back at my apartment tonight --"

Justin cut him off. "It's okay, Brian," he insisted.

"No, it's not! I was way out of line. I really feel like shit for it. I've never let myself get out of control like that before," he admitted.

Justin leaned in and kissed Brian on the lips softly. "I forgive you. Let's not talk about it anymore, okay?" he requested.

"But I --"

"Shhh," Justin told him, putting a finger to Brian's lips to shush him up. "It's late. Why don't you stay the night?" Justin suggested.

Brian hesitated. "I don't know... I should probably get back home. I have my work clothes and everything there."

"It's okay, I can wake up you early enough for you to go home and change," Justin told him.

The stress of the day was not lost on Brian, and the thought of being able to sleep right at that moment was sounding better to him. "Well, I don't have my car. I took a cab here since I had been drinking earlier," he said. "You think you could give me a ride to my car in the morning?" he asked.

Justin nodded. "Sure. Now come on, let's go to bed," he told him.

Brian hesitated again. "Um... maybe I should sleep on the couch tonight," he said. He wasn't sure if sleeping next to Justin's sexy, warm, little body was such a good idea.

Justin shook his head. "I want to sleep with you," he said as he looked into his boyfriend's eyes.

"Okay," Brian smiled, not able to say no to those baby blues.

Suddenly there was a little knock on the door. "Justin?" Emmett's voice said.

"Come in, Em," Justin called out.

Emmett opened the door cautiously. "Is, um... everything all right?" he asked.

Justin nodded. "It's fine, Em. Brian's going to stay the night." Justin hopped off his bed quickly and kissed his roommate's cheek. "Thanks for everything," he whispered. "See you in the morning," he added, giving his friend a reassuring look.

Emmett inwardly sighed in relief. By the look on Justin's face, he knew that Brian and Justin had talked things out, and felt optimistic that things were going to be okay between them. He was glad. He loved them both, and he hated when they were miserable and apart.

"Okay, sweetie. Goodnight," he said with a smile and then turned to look at Brian. "I'm just relieved that I didn't have to kick your ass. Would have fucked up my manicure," he smirked.

Brian laughed. "Goodnight, Em," he said, as the tall young man closed the door behind him.

Justin turned off the light and then pulled back the covers on his bed so the two of them could climb in. Brian softly kissed Justin on the lips twice, and then turned them on their sides so that he was spooning behind him.

"I love you," he whispered, hugging Justin to him tighter.

Justin smiled, as his eyelids felt heavier and he closed his eyes. "I know. I love you too. Goodnight," he said, and soon the two of them were sleeping, exhausted from the day.