by Trisky
I don’t care though. Right now my mind just wants to float away. Fly into the clouds and appreciate the possibilities. I can finally feel the difference between being twenty and twenty-one setting in, and it took me all day to get here. It’s just a number but everything feels limitless. Maybe it’s my empty stomach or the last traces of my fever catching up with me, but I feel like my head is floating off of my body. Everything is tingling. I guess I’m a little excited about tonight, but I’m not sure that’s it entirely. Everyone has gone to all this trouble for me and I know they totally didn’t have to, but they wanted to, and that makes me smile. I know he had a lot more to do with it than he’s willing to admit. For some reason that makes me tingle even more.
I study his profile for a quick second, too scared to take my concentration off the road for long. I don’t want my first drive with him in the passenger seat to be our last. It’s cool because he’s pretending to nod off anyway. I know he’s not asleep. He just doesn’t want to watch me drive. That’s okay because I don’t want him watching me anymore than he wants to be. It’s a shame that he’s missing such a beautiful view though. I think even he would appreciate how beautiful it is, solid, dirty cement shadowing the horizon and all. He loves beautiful things. Too bad he doesn’t truly know how to include himself on that list. Oh he thinks he’s beautiful, that I don’t doubt. But that’s just his surface. He won’t let himself see the rest.
I will not get maudlin, not today of all days. I’ve done enough of that already for one day. Everything is just going too well for me to start with all of that again. Besides, he doesn’t want to hear me whining about him when we’re supposed to be celebrating me. He’ll be the star attraction tonight, without even trying, especially looking like that. He’d deny it to anyone who asks but I know he wants it to be my night. There’s just something about the way he’s been acting all day, proud of himself for whatever godawful gift he’s picked out, but it’s more than that. It’s almost like he’s been proud of me all day. He wants everyone to be as proud of me as he is, most especially me. He thinks I don’t get that, but I do. He just doesn’t understand that I’m already pretty proud, as is.
My stomach is all knotted up again. I don’t feel sick, that’s not it. It’s just that feeling I get whenever I try to stop smiling or laughing and I can’t. All the blood in my system seems to pool right in the pit of my stomach and pump into my lungs every time I squeeze. Almost like I’m jerking off a hard on without a penis... Okay, so there’s obviously something psychologically wrong with me. Must stop thinking about sex. Now. Will not think about sex in front of my mother.
I’ll think good thoughts. Like the fact that that’s the feeling I get when I look at him sometimes. It’s not always immediate or really noticeable, but when it’s a good day and we’ve managed to act like halfway normal human beings for most of it, I can’t shake it at all. As silly as it seems, I wonder sometimes if he ever feels that way. He would never tell me if he did. I just wonder. He really is a good guy, all appearances to the contrary notwithstanding. He’s probably better than I deserve. I haven’t really done anything great in life to deserve much in return. I wouldn’t tell him that though. He would take total advantage of it. I kind of dig Ben’s philosophy that you get back in life whatever you put in. I dig it, but I don’t think I really agree with it. If that were true we’d all be pretty fucked, especially Brian. It seems kind of random what we get back in life. I’m sure Ben never did anything to get back HIV. That was just life handing him a raw deal. It actually seems kind of sick when you think of it that way, that he’d somehow done something to deserve it. I really like Ben but he doesn’t always make sense to me. But I guess when you’re faced with life and death you don’t really care how much sense you’re making, you just want to reach out for whatever is going to comfort you. I should know.
Nothing like thinking about a bat to my head to celebrate my birthday. Wasn’t I supposed to be thinking happy thoughts right about now? It just springs to mind, even now, out of the clear blue sky. Everything seemed so unreal then. If you would have told me that I’d feel like I had the world at my feet three years later I probably would have thrown a heavy object at you, with my good hand. But I do feel like that and I know Brian had a lot to more do with it than he wants to give himself credit for. He reminds me over and over again of what I have, by always bringing me back down to earth when I start getting all carried away and insecure. I suppose, if I have to admit it, I do get like that more often than I care to remember. That’s something else that just sneaks up out of the blue, these sudden attacks of paranoia. I don’t even know if he realizes how much he calms me down. I try not to get my hopes up where he’s concerned but it really feels possible that this isn’t a fluke anymore. Every so often, I still have to remind myself that he’s not going anywhere anytime soon. It didn’t really seem possible for such a long time, still doesn’t in some ways, but maybe just maybe he’s starting to see the same view I am, even with his eyes closed.
You know what I feel like right now? Like I could just fucking conquer the world. Climb out of the Jeep and just start walking on air until I lifted myself into the sky. It’s this free, floating feeling. Somehow I know he’d follow me even if I had to drag him on my back. Maybe it’s knowing I’m 21 and I can be or do anything I want without anyone’s permission. I’m officially a man. I’m not my mother’s little boy anymore. I’m not some kid that needs to be taken care of. I’m not some 17 year old idiot who needs to be shown the ropes. I know where they are and none of them are tying me down. And what do I really want to do, more than anything right this very minute? I want to roll down the windows and just scream until my throat is hoarse, run a few miles and gather more air in my lungs and keep screaming until there’s no one left to hear me because I’m so far away from everything. I want to just chase the sky. And I want him to come with me. I want him to just let go and burst open, laugh with me at how stupid we must sound until tears are coming out of his eyes. I want him to feel the blood just swarm in his stomach and the cool air sting his skin. And I just want it to not matter, to be no big deal to for him to just watch the sun fall away and collapse on the ground with me. I bet it would feel fucking awesome!
“Brian!” I don’t care if he was really sleeping, now I’m excited. “Brian wake up!”
“Christ... did you run someone over?” He gives me a bewildered stare, totally shaken out of whatever reverie he was running amuck in.
“Brian!” I keep repeating his name like I’m going to telepathically drill my idea into his head with just that one word. “Brian, we need to go away, just the two of us. Fuck the party, let’s just go.” I’m serious and he’s worried, I can tell from the look on his face.
“I thought I told you to stop taking that anti-psychotic medication. It’s for people with real problems.”
“Just pick a direction and I’ll drive until we can’t drive anymore.” I know he’s looking at me like I’ve lost my mind and maybe I have.
“Are you already having a mid-life crisis at fucking 21? Besides you start work on Monday. I’m sure Russell would be very disappointed if his favorite little artist totally fucked him over after all the strings he’s pulled for you. And not in the way he’s been hoping for, for years... Save it for your next long weekend.” He turns his head as if he’s going back to pretend sleep.
I don’t even think twice about slamming my foot down on the brake. I can hear the tires peeling behind me and I have a tiny moment of regret. Thankfully Melanie and Lindsay’s neighborhood is pretty quiet and there’s not much traffic, because I probably could have killed both of us and a small family for that stupid move. Bet he regrets giving me the Jeep now. But we’re safe and we’re alive and that’s all that matters.
“Forget Russell. Who gives a shit about his hairy ugly ass? Brian I’m serious! I don’t give a shit about the job or Russell or whatever he wants from me. Nobody will care if we don’t show up for the party. They probably expect us not to! Let’s just go, we’ll figure out where when we get there. Maybe New Mexico or Arizona.” There’s tons of open space there. I’m begging now and begging is unattractive, but so is the thought of being forever stuck in the Pitts. If anyone should know that it’s Brian.
“What the fuck has gotten into you?” He sits upright in his seat, surveying the inside of the car as if I might have damaged it or like the roof might fall in at any moment. I’m not really sure. “Are you even listening to yourself?”
“I can’t spend my life here Brian. *We* can’t spend our lives here. We have to get out of here. Remember how you thought you needed to go to New York? Well I think you were right. Maybe not New York, but we need some kind of change.” It just hit me harder than any fucking bat ever could. Our lives will never change as long as we don’t.
“And your solution is to just start driving? Just leave everything behind and just start driving? Are you turning 21 or fucking 12 today Justin? Because suddenly I’m not really sure.” He spits his words out at me, but I can see the concern behind them. “I’ll just leave the agency. You can leave school and work. We can leave all of our friends. We’ll just write them from the backseat we’ll be living out of. We won’t have any money for stamps but we can write... Yeah there’s a fucking life plan for you.”
“It’s better than any plan we have right now!” I grab his arm with what feels like the force of the devil possessing me and make him pay attention.
“What kind of plans do you expect us to have?” He asks me like he’s genuinely interested. This throws me for a second.
“I don’t know, but anything has to be better than none at all. Or even worse... no plan at all and no intention of ever coming up with one. Can’t you see that?” That seems kind of obvious. I wonder why he looks so unfazed?
“So your big plan,” he singsongs, mocking me “is to take off tonight without any destination and just leave everyone and everything behind? That’s not a plan Justin, that’s a fucking joke.”
“Okay so we don’t leave tonight, or tomorrow or even next month, but we have to go Brian.” I steady my nerves. I wasn’t even aware of how fast I was speaking, it’s just all coming out of me as soon as it hits my brain. “I love everybody, my mother, Molly, Deb, all of our friends. I’d miss all of them, I really would. I know you would too Brian, but think about it. Do we really need to see them every single day? People move away all the time. What do you expect us to do in the Pitts for the rest of our lives? We’ve done it all. We can’t stay here, because if we do we’re just gonna keep going in circles.”
I think I see recognition, but I don’t dare hope that I’m right. I’m probably not. “To be 21 and stupid again... Maybe that works for you Justin, but it doesn’t work for me.”
“Why not? You made a lot of shit you thought didn’t work for you in the past work somehow. You showed me how to make a lot of things I thought didn’t work for me work. Tell me that you want to stay here and I’ll drop the subject.” I know he can’t answer that without lying, and Brian never lies to me.
“My entire fucking life is here Justin. What do you expect me to do?”
What do I expect? I don’t know. I’m lying, I know exactly what I expect. I expect him to acknowledge for once in his life that his “entire fucking life” is me. Fuck it, I don’t care how selfish that sounds. I know his friends are important. Gus is important. His job is important. But if I’m not the most important thing, then we have a real problem on our hands.
And this is when I know. I just know this moment is going to change my life forever for better or for worse. Because the entire world just opened up right in front of my eyes. I don’t want to stare at the depressing Pittsburgh skyline for the rest of my life. I don’t want to wait for Brian to catch up anymore. I want him right beside me.
“Well I’m going Brian. As soon as I graduate, I’m out of here. You can come, or you can stay.”
Please, please, please come with me. Please... I came and I stayed, it’s time for you to do the same.
I feel like the world has stopped for a brief moment, everything is so still. The sun is almost entirely gone except for a few streaks of yellow and red dotting the azure outline of the horizon. The moon will be out soon and the day will be over. Not a single cloud to be found anywhere. I’ll wake up tomorrow and I’ll still be 21, but now I’ll be 21 with a purpose. If I could just suspend this moment forever when everything is possible, when he can’t break my heart and tell me no, like I know he will, I would die a happy man.
“We’ll go... *somewhere* this summer. See if it gets this sudden case of wanderlust out of your system.” His eyes drift over my face, as if he can’t believe he’s saying this stuff and I can’t believe he is either, because that wasn’t a no, was it? “If it doesn’t, we’ll talk. You can’t just make a decision, change your life on a whim like that without thinking. There’s too much you risk losing, too much...” I don’t think he’s even talking to me anymore. He’s convincing himself of something. To come with me? I’m not sure.
I don’t give a shit though, I smile the most delirious fucking smile I’ve ever felt in my life. I wouldn’t try to suppress this feeling for anything. The blood in my veins is pooling in my stomach, in my arms, in my feet and my legs, my ears, every single inch of my body. He doesn’t smile, but he doesn’t frown either. He just looks out the front window in deep concentration.
“Don’t think about it too much Brian. Thinking about things always gets you in too much trouble. You know you want to.” I’m not even pressing my luck anymore. I’m slamming down on it like it was another brake pedal. I undo my seatbelt and almost slither out of my seat, as far as I can go with the stick shift in my way. “What did you tell me Brian? It’s scarier to find your own way in life? Well I’m pretty sure it’s scarier to do it alone. Come with me.”
“You’re going to pay attention to some advice I probably gave you when I was half drunk and horny? I would have said anything.”
“No you wouldn’t.” I’m still smiling and I just know he must know what that weird tingling feeling is like, because I can see him trying desperately not to smile. He can pretend all he wants, but he knows I can hear every word he says. “You won’t tell me no right now when you could to just shut me up.” He is beautiful, every pore and every unsaid word. The map of his skin just seems endless, tattooed with beauty. I don’t deserve him, but he’s what I’ve got.
“Everyone is waiting for us you know.”
“I don’t care. Let them wait. It’s my birthday I can be as late as I want to be.” The roof does cave in, only it’s the roof of his mouth falling into my tongue. I tickle it with a feather touch and feel the rumble of a laugh somewhere in the back of his throat. His lips are warm and moist sucking on my own. I know he’s in no rush to push me off when he moves his hand to the back of my head and pulls me closer to him. It doesn’t even seem sexual. I don’t have the urge to strip naked like I usually do when we kiss.
It just seems, I don’t even know... It just seems like home. Wherever that may be.