Runaway Life
Chapter 9
Hunter, how did your session with Bill go today?"
"Okay, I guess."
"Would you like some lunch?"
"No, thank you. They fed me over at the Farm."
"Well, we have hours before dinner, so help yourself to anything you want."
"Thank you, Ms. Anderson. I think I'll go upstairs to my room. I'm a little tired."
"You do that, Hunter. I'll call you when dinner's ready. Both John and Bobby should be home around six."
Hunter turned to go up the stairs then turned back to give Claire a peck on the cheek. Silently he went up to his room.
*****
"Bobby Morrison."
"Bobby, it's Claire."
"Everything okay?"
"I think so. Hunter just came back from his counseling. I don't think it went very well. He went right up to his room. Bobby, do you think you'll be home on time?"
"I just finished with my last appointment for today. I can leave early."
"Bobby, you just started, don't jeopardize your position."
"Claire, I put in a lot of extra hours each week. One early day won't kill me. I'll be home within the hour."
"If you're sure."
"I'm sure. See you soon."
*****
"He still upstairs?"
"Yes. I haven't heard a peep from him all afternoon. Bobby, I realize John hasn't been a teenager for quite some time but I do remember the noise. Loud music, loud TV, just plain loud. Hunter is the most quiet boy I've ever met. That can't be a good sign."
"No, Claire, it's not. I'll talk to him."
*****
Bobby grabbed a couple of apples from the kitchen counter then went to his room. Changing into some sweats, he then brought the apples to the guest room, gently rapping on the door.
"Come in."
"Hi, Hunter."
"Hi."
"How'd it go today with Bill?"
"Okay."
"Just okay?"
"You're still my lawyer, right?"
"Yes. I can't repeat anything you tell me."
"Bobby, I don't think this is working. I mean Bill is really nice and I know he wants to help but I don't feel any different."
"Hunter, it's been only two days. Here, have an apple."
"Why does everyone want to feed me?"
"First of all you're still recovering and you know as well as I do that you need regular meals to stay healthy."
"What difference will it make? I'm going to die from AIDS anyway."
"The difference is that there are medical breakthroughs every day. You don't know what you'll die from. You're young; you'll live a long time."
"What do you care? You're perfect. You're beautiful, smart, you've got a great partner. I have nothing. You know nothing."
"Hunter, our contract, it works both ways."
"What the fuck do you mean?"
"If I tell you something, a secret, you can't tell anyone either."
"What kind of secret could you possibly have?"
"The kind that almost got me killed."
"Huh?"
"Do you think you cornered the market on stupidity? You know how the Farm got started, right?"
"Yeah, I heard."
"And Steve's son, you know about him?"
"I heard something about it."
"I knew Steve's son. We were friends in high school although he was two years older than me. He let me hang around 'cause I could play baseball. I was too small for football but I could pitch. He was a jock and he also liked to take risks. I wasn't out and I was scared of the feelings I had when I was with some of the other guys. You know what that's like?"
"Tell me about it."
"So, I figured if I hung out with the jocks and bullies I'd get tough too. But my parents were really strict. I had a curfew and there'd be hell to pay if I didn't get home on time. Steve's son, his name was Jimmy, he knew about the curfew. I thought he'd make fun of me but he didn't. He kind of treated me like a younger brother. One night, Jimmy picked me up in Steve's old pickup truck. There was a bunch of us stuffed in the truck. I knew something was up but the guys didn't say anything to me. At ten Jimmy dropped me off at home. I had a bad feeling but I didn't know what to do about it. I was only fourteen, what did I know. That was the last time I saw him. I couldn't even go to his funeral."
"Funeral?"
"Yeah. I didn't know it but Jimmy took his father's shotgun. They drove onto the interstate for a while then pulled off at a truck stop. They intended to rob the place except they found a truck stop that was run by a retired state trooper. The minute Jimmy pulled out the shotgun, the owner fired his service revolver. Jimmy was dead by the time he hit the floor. The other kids ran. I heard that it was the first time the ex-cop ever had to fire his weapon. Twenty years on the job, he never had to pull out his gun. He apologized to Steve during the investigation. Hunter, it could have been me. I don't think Steve knows I was with Jimmy that night. It still haunts me. I can still see Jimmy's face when he dropped me off that night. Laughing, telling me he'd see me on the ball field."
"What did you do? You must have gotten over it."
"Eventually, but I became depressed, no one knew why. The school brought in counselors especially for the baseball team. I met Bill; he was one of the counselors. He saved my life. I remember one night going into my father's office. He had a supply of sample pills. I had a whole bunch of stuff in my hand; I was ready to die."
"What stopped you?"
"A picture on the wall of me and my sister. We were on vacation and my mom took a picture of us. My dad had it framed and hung it up. I put the pills back and the next day spoke with Bill. He's the only one who knows the truth."
"Not even John?"
"No, no one except for you and Bill."
"Fuck."
"Yeah. It won't happen over night. It took weeks before I could feel anything; I was numb for a long time. The point is, Hunter, that you have to try. I love my family. I couldn't do that to them. You love Michael and Ben and the rest of the family. For your sake and theirs, give it a try. I can speak with Bill; maybe go with you to some sessions. I still go to him on occasion."
"I'll try."
"Good. Now let's eat these apples then get some air. It won't be dark for some time yet. I think I still remember how to throw a ball. That is, if you think I'm not too old to hang out with you."
"Old? Shit, you look younger than Justin."
"Thanks, I think. Come on; let's get out of this room."
*****
Hunter walked into Bill's office the next day. The thoughts of what Bobby had told him had rattled around in his brain all night. He still didn't feel much better but somehow his attitude had changed. Maybe it was the knowledge that not everybody else had a perfect life either. It was good to know that people had come through hardships and still had been able to make something of themselves. It gave him a glimmer, just a faint glimmer of hope.
"Hey, Hunter, have a seat," Bill said,
"Um … would you mind if we walked down by the stream and sat on the big rock, instead of talking in here? It's a perfect day."
"Perfect, huh?"
"Well, pretty close," Hunter chuckled.
Bill looked at the boy. He had never made a request for anything, and he most definitely had not paid any attention to the weather. He wondered what had changed. "Sure, let's go."
They walked through the mostly deserted farm. Steve and another guy still worked there after all the kids went back to school. There were crops to bring in and animals to tend to. They proceeded through the trees to the edge of the stream. They crossed over the narrow part and sat down on the big rock. They both stared into the slow moving water as it drifted past.
Bill raised his face to the sun. "You were right. This is a perfect day."
"Could I ask you something?" Hunter said.
"Of course."
"And you'll answer me truthfully?"
"I'll do my best," Bill replied wondering what kind of earth shattering question Hunter was about to ask.
"Did you ever think about killing yourself?"
"Killing myself? Wow, why don't you start with a big question?"
"You said you'd answer."
"The answer is yes, but I don't think I ever seriously meant to do it. However, I have certainly contemplated it from time to time. I think most people have when things are tough for them." Bill watched Hunter's reaction and waited for him to say something. When he didn't say a word just stared into the water, Bill asked, "Is that what you're thinking?"
"I … I was yesterday."
"But not today?"
"No, not so much. I felt yesterday like we were not getting anywhere. That all this talking was a fucking waste of time."
"And today it's not?" Bill asked with a smile.
"The jury's still out on that one."
"What happened in between then and now?"
"I had a talk with Bobby last night. We threw a ball around and … it was nice. Normal." Hunter looked at Bill waiting for some kind of validation.
"Is that what you want … a normal life?"
Hunter nodded, tears welling up. "But I can never fucking have it! Not with HIV. Nobody wants to be around me, nobody will ever love me, and I'll die alone."
Bill could feel the sadness and despair that emanated from the boy. "Hunter," Bill said and waited until Hunter looked at him. "I'm not going to tell you those things won't happen. I can't predict the future. But I do know that if you give up then that's probably what the future will hold. If you choose to fight and try and accomplish, then who knows where that will take you?" Bill waited to see if Hunter said anything in reply. When nothing was forthcoming, Bill decided to take a different tack. "Have you ever skipped stones?"
"Skipped stones? You mean like jumping from one to another?" Hunter asked with a frown. He didn't know what the hell Bill was talking about.
"No, nothing like that." Bill looked around and reached to down to find a pebble beside the big rock. "Watch." With a sideways thrust of his arm the stone went skimming through the water popping out four times before it disappeared for good.
"Neat," Hunter said suddenly interested.
"Want me to teach you how to do that?"
"It looks easy enough," Hunter observed as Bill handed him a stone. He tried to throw it just like Bill had but it disappeared below the water never to be seen again. "Hey, you gave me a bum stone," Hunter protested.
Bill laughed. "Yeah, I was out here last night till midnight finding the one that wouldn't work."
"So what did I do wrong?" Hunter asked.
"Hold the stone in your fingers like this," Bill said showing the boy and then positioning Hunter's fingers. "You want to keep the throw low, almost parallel to the water surface." Bill demonstrated once again getting three skips out of this stone. "Give it a try."
Hunter threw his stone which again hit the water and disappeared. "I can't do it," Hunter said with a tone that said he was ready to give up.
"Sure you can," Bill replied. "Don't throw it so hard."
Hunter reluctantly tried again with the same result. "I can't fucking do it!"
"Yes, you can. Do you think I did it on the first try?"
"Didn't you?"
Bill shook his head. "Many, many tries later, I finally got it."
Hunter picked up a handful of stones and started throwing them into the water as Bill adjusted his arm position or how he was holding the stone. Hunter was on his second handful of pebbles and about ready to quit when the stone bounced across the water three times. "I did it!" Hunter yelled in triumph.
"That you did. Now do you remember how you did it?"
Hunter frowned. "Fuck no!"
Bill laughed. "You were about ready to give up so you probably relaxed enough to get it to work. Try again."
Hunter threw a couple more which immediately sank. Then one hopped over the surface of the water. Hunter yelled triumphantly and immediately threw another one which did the same. He kept throwing them until he had a rhythm where every stone would skip.
"I did it!"
"You certainly did. Want to come back tomorrow and practise some more?"
"Sure," Hunter smiled.
"Let's go get some lunch."
"Is it that time already?" Hunter asked looking up at the sun which was overhead. "How long have we been out here?"
"A couple of hours."
"Shit! It just seemed like a few minutes."
"When you are learning something and developing a skill, time flies."
"Yeah," Hunter had to admit. "But it's a pretty fucking useless skill."
"A skill nonetheless," Bill averred. "See what persistence and practice can accomplish."
"I guess."
"Let's go eat," Bill said. "All this training made me hungry."
"Me too," Hunter had to admit. As they walked back to the farm, Hunter had something new to think about. Maybe he had been looking at his life in the wrong way.