The First Fifty

Chapter 8

36 – 40

“Someone’s looking mighty smug,” Brian observed as Gus joined them in the living room. Gus had been in his room for a long time, and Bree had already been sent to bed. “Tell your old Pop what you’ve been up to, Sonny Boy?” he singsonged to Gus.

Gus blushed, but didn’t answer.

“Leave him alone, Brian,” Justin cautioned.

“I can handle my old Pop,” Gus said with a cocky smile as he stressed the word old.

“You don’t have to get nasty,” Brian said pretending to be hurt.

“How’s Ray?” Justin asked, changing the subject, having surmised that Gus had been on the phone with his lover in New York.

“Ray is just fine,” Gus replied with a big smile.

“I’m sure,” Brian threw in with his patented smirk.

“I’m going to make some cocoa,” Justin said as he stood up. He had a feeling Gus wanted to talk to his father some more. Joan’s album had been a jumping off point for some long overdue revelations between father and son.

There was a long silence after Justin left the room. Brian stared at his son wondering what Gus would bring up next, and Gus was staring at Brian wondering how to broach the subject he was interested in.

Gus picked up Joan’s album and opened it to the area where they had last viewed it. He raised his eyes to his father. “Pop, how come there aren’t many pictures of me as a child and none with Grandma Joan until … after Bree?”

This was not at all what Brian had been expecting. Brian knew he needed to be truthful with Gus. “Your grandmother didn’t know about you for many years.”

“Why not?”

“I thought it was better if you didn’t meet your grandmother … the way she was back then.”

Gus took in his father’s words. That did make sense. Gus knew that Joan had been pretty screwed up with a toxic mix of bigotry and alcohol back in those days. But there was something else Gus wanted to know. “Were…were you ashamed of me?”

“Christ, NO! I loved you from the moment I first laid eyes on you, even though I … tried not to.”

Gus’ mouth dropped open. “Why, why would you not want to love me?” Gus asked obviously horrified by what Brian had just said.

“Maybe I can answer that,” Justin said as he came in with his mugs of cocoa on a tray. When everyone had one, he sat down beside Brian. “Brian had a lot of trouble accepting our relationship. It took quite a while before we were monogamous.”

“What does that have to do with me?” Gus demanded.

“It’s all part of the same feeling that Brian had. He thought he wasn’t worthy of love.” Brian raised an eyebrow but kept his mouth shut. “He thought I would leave him again. And he thought you were better off with your moms, better off without him. He was afraid if he loved you too much, you would be taken away from him, or worse, you’d find out about all his flaws and reject him.”

“Is that true, Pop?”

Brian wiped at his eyes. It was hard listening to Justin dissect his motives so easily, especially when he got right to the heart of the matter. Brian merely nodded.

“I love you, Pop, everything you were, everything you are and everything you will be.”

“I know that now,” Brian said, “but back then…”

Gus thought for a moment while Justin and Brian took sips of their cocoa trying to get their emotions under control. “You didn’t see much of me during that time, did you?”

Brian shook his head. “I was still the consummate club boy, busy building my future in advertising, screwing my brains out. I didn’t let myself think about being a father. I wish I could change all that, but I can’t. That’s just the way I was.”

“When did that change, Pop?” Gus asked.

“There were a lot of little things that happened, but mostly it has to do with this tenacious bulldog,” Brian said nuzzling Justin’s neck and squeezing him hard.

Justin chuckled, “Yeah, bulldog,” he said with a grin.

 

*****
 

“How did I ever let you talk me into this?” Brian asked.

“You love me,” Justin replied, as he worked on the itinerary for their trip to South America.

“And you choose to lead me on a wild goose chase.”

“I do. We’re going to find out about your family … and mine.”

“We already did,” Brian reminded him. “I found my brother. And that has transformed my life,” Brian admitted.

Justin smiled. “And finding out about your family history will transform you even more.

“Only if you’re with me.”

“That goes without saying. I’ll always be with you.”

 

*****
 

“I wish I had known you back then,” Gus said.

“No you don’t,” Brian corrected his son. “I’m not ashamed of what I was, but I’m a much better person now than I was then.”

“You were always the way you were meant to be,” Justin averred.

“I just had a lot to learn.”

“And you did. Life is a learning curve for us all.”

“Pop?” Gus said thoughtfully. “What if I had been like you?”

“Like me? What do you mean?” Brian asked.

“What if I had wanted to be the Stud of Liberty Avenue?”

Brian snorted. Gus looked a little hurt. “I don’t mean you couldn’t have done that,” Brian said quickly. “I just don’t know why that would be your aspiration.”

“It was good enough for you,” Gus stated.

“For a while, but it grows old pretty fast, and there’s no future in it,” Brian admitted.

Gus smiled at his father. “You think I could have been the Stud of Liberty?”

“I think you can do anything you want to do. Hopefully though, I raised a much smarter son than his old man. I did everything I could to make you have choices that mattered.”

“You did a great job, Pop.”

“Thanks.”

“I’m going to bed. See you two in the morning.”

“Night, Gus,” Brian and Justin said together.

Justin leaned into Brian and kissed him tenderly. “I love you so much. You are a wonderful man,” Justin told his husband.

“I hope Gus sees it that way … in spite of all my failings in the past.”

“They made you the man you are today. Let’s go to bed.”

The Kinney-Taylor house settled for the night.

 

*****
 

“Hi. Where is everybody?” John called out as he came up the spiral staircase and into Brian’s office.

John had been working in his own office when he realized that the cottage had grown very quiet except for Justin’s painting music. He looked over his balcony, briefly watching Justin in one of his inspiration moments, painting at top speed. He checked his watch; the sky was already growing darker even though it was only about 4:30 in the afternoon.

When John came down his stairs to ask Justin where everyone was, all he got was a non-specific grunt in response. Undeterred, John went to see Brian.

“Your spouse and my son took your son and my daughter for a drive to see all the holiday decorations,” Brian explained with his usual flair and snark. “Justin is painting and I am taking advantage of the relative quiet to review contracts.”

“Thank you, Walter Cronkite,” John said as he sat on the futon. “Is this the infamous album?” John spied Joan’s album on the coffee table. “May I?” John asked his brother before venturing to touch it. Brian shrugged.

“This is beautiful,” John murmured as he caressed the fine leather cover. “Joan had an eye for quality, must be where you got yours from.” John heard a soft snort from his brother. He gingerly opened up the album. “Wow. How did she collect all of this?” John asked in wonder.

“It seems old Joanie had help in the form of our little Mary Sunshine.” Brian glared over his monitor.

“He is a clever little devil, isn’t he?” John chuckled. “Seems he learned his lessons well,” John observed as he turned the pages. “You’re a good teacher; deal with it, little bro.” John laughed again as he heard the grumbles and curses emanating from Brian’s desk.

“Seriously, this album is amazing. She’s captured very special moments in your life. Important moments. I hope you can appreciate that.” John looked up and gave Brian a poignant look. Brian nodded contritely. John turned a few more pages.

“The treehouse!” John exclaimed fondly. “Did she get this picture from Justin?”

Brian nodded.

“You know, that week was one of the best times of my entire life,” John honestly admitted. “I learned a lot about you. I learned a lot about myself too.”

“What did you learn?” Brian glanced over the top of his monitor.

“That there is a kind heart under all of your bravado. And that I am so glad that you allowed Justin to talk you into pursuing his Sunshine File.”

 Brian said nothing; his computer monitor hid the lump that he felt forming in his throat.

“I had so much fun teaching you all the fine art of construction. My mother did too.”

“I learned something that week too.”

“What?”

“That your mother is a devil in disguise and that I really don’t like frogs!”

The brothers cracked up laughing.

“I swear, Brian, the look on your face when that bullfrog was inches away from your nose, was priceless. I have never seen a naked man run so fast.”

“Oh ha ha! I’m a city boy at heart. All that wild life is scary.”

“Liar, liar, pants on fire,” John singsonged. “You may have grown up in the city but you turned into a country boy,” John teased.

“If you break into John Denver, I’m outta here,” Brian groused. John giggled.

“Admit it, Brian. You love it out here in the middle of nowhere. You are the king of all you survey. Not only that, you are a fair and wise king. And one helluva gardener. Better than anyone I could hire.”

“If you were going to hire someone, you’d hire Todd,” Brian said nonchalantly as he opened up another document.

“Speaking about Todd, can I ask you about him?”

“What about him?”

“When he first became a part of our extended family, I overheard Emmett and Michael talking about him. I’m almost embarrassed to admit that I was eavesdropping.”

Brian smirked as John blushed. “My, my, my! My so proper, politically correct big brother, eavesdropping? It must be the first sign of the apocalypse,” Brian teased.

“Brian,” John growled.

“Fine. What did you hear?”

“That Todd spent most of his time in the backroom of Babylon?”

“It’s true, and I bet if you ask him about it, he’d be honest with you and tell you about it.”

“I think not. I like the man who is your business partner. And I’m overjoyed that he and Gerry appear to be on their way to a lasting relationship.”

“John, Todd had fun. He had a lot of fun. And he played safe.”

“Then I’ll leave it at that.”

John turned a few more pages then stopped as Justin turned up the music.

“What the hell is that noise that he’s listening to?” John asked, making a face. Brian snickered.

“That, my dear brother, is Moby. That so called music has sustained Justin for many years while being the bane of my existence,” Brian said with a put upon sigh for effect as he placed his hand over his heart.

John did a double take then burst into belly laughs. Brian strained to maintain his composure, sucking his lips into his mouth then he too burst out laughing. The brothers laughed so hard that tears rolled down their faces. Brian stood up, crossed over to the futon then pulled his brother into his arms.

“Thank you,” Brian whispered.

“You’re welcome,” John whispered back and he hugged back. “For what?”

“For caring. For making me laugh. For being my brother. For countless other things that I can’t possibly name. I’m so glad Justin found you and Claire. Thank you for turning me into a country boy.”

The brothers stared into each other’s eyes for a second then sang loud, “Thank God I’m a country boy!” They burst out again into laughter.

“What’s going on up here?” The brothers froze looking like a pair of guilty kids. Justin stood in the doorway with his hands on his hips.

“Nothing!” the brothers said together.

“Nothing? I find two grown men laughing like a pair of hyenas and singing off key; and you call that nothing?”

“Sunshine, I swear to you I was quietly sitting up here, diligently working on some new contracts,” Brian pointed toward his computer for effect, “when John came up here and disturbed me. He started singing a John Denver song. John Denver! Can you believe that?” Brian wore his most innocent expression.

“I, I…he…oh man!” John was all flustered.

Justin looked back and forth at the brothers then crossed his arms over his chest. “Uh huh. I know it spells trouble for me when the two of you get in this mood. I can believe just about anything from you, Brian. But you, John, really!”

“Me?! What did I do?” John asked, his voice rising an octave higher, staring at Brian and Justin.

Justin and Brian cracked up.

“You got me, didn’t you?” John deadpanned as he gave the two conniving partners a glare. Brian and Justin laughed louder.

“We’ve known each other for what, fifteen years and lived together for six? I should have known better,” John groused. “Okay, I bow to the master,” John said making a low bow to Justin. “And you too, little bro,” John said, ruffling his brother’s hair.

“Hey, watch the hair! Protect me, Sunshine,” Brian shouted as he maneuvered away from John to get behind Justin.

Justin laughed. He was so happy and a bit relieved to see Brian laughing and joking around with his brother. Things almost felt normal again. He stood still while John chased Brian around him.

“Okay, you two, time out!” Justin shouted. “The guys should be coming home soon and I haven’t got a clue about dinner. I could use your help.”

“Your wish is my command, Sunshine,” Brian purred as he leaned down to kiss Justin’s cheek. Justin smiled smugly.

“Let’s go to my kitchen, I’m in the mood for grilled cheese,” John said.

“With bacon?” Justin asked.

“And tomatoes?” Brian added.

John shook his head at them. “With anything you want. Let’s go!”

John led them to his kitchen where they lovingly began dinner for their family.

 

*****
 

“We saw beautiful wreaths and big bows and Santa Claus and reindeers,” Bree said enthusiastically. She had really enjoyed looking at all the Christmas decorations around Bridgeton. Many people used old fashioned decorations that were simple but very beautiful. There were some Christmas lights, but many of the houses were more beautiful in the daylight than at night.

“Breathe, Bree,” Justin cautioned.

“I hafta breathe, Daddy, or I would … die,” Bree said, almost immediately regretting her words, since it reminded everyone of her Gamma Joan.

“What did you think, Patrick?” John asked, immediately deflecting the topic to something else.

“They were okay,” Patrick said, “but I think decorations are a girl thing.”

“Are not!” Bree contradicted. Patrick shrugged.

“Us men folk get to put them up for the women folk,” Bobby said with a twinkle in his eye. “I remember Dad and I having to decorate the house under the careful eyes of Mom and Rachel.”

“But you didn’t mind, did you, Uncle Bobby?” Bree asked.

“No, it was fun climbing the ladder and holding stuff for my dad.”

“Did you have lots of decorations, Daddy?” Bree asked.

“Yeah, your Grandma Jenn loved to make the house look festive. She had little villages all over the house, and lots of lights outside,” Justin explained.

Bree frowned. “I didn’t see no villages at her house,” she said. “Doesn’t she have them anymore?”

Justin looked at his daughter and then stared off into space for a minute. “There were a lot of things that Mom gave up when she and dad split. I think she sold the villages. They were worth quite a bit of money.” Justin had a sad, faraway look on his face.

Brian leaned over and pulled Justin into a hug. He kissed Justin’s cheek, and then said, “At the Kinney house, on the other hand, we had the same tree with the same decorations every year of my childhood.”

Justin looked up at Brian and went to say something. Brian kissed him quickly to keep him from speaking.

“That’s good, Dada. They must have been real pretty,” Bree said.

“Yeah, pretty,” Brian repeated. He did his best not to sound sarcastic. “How about some Christmas cookies for dessert?”

“Yay, cookies!” Patrick and Bree both yelled.

“Coming up,” John said. “Good save,” he whispered to his brother as he got up to get the cookies.

Justin merely leaned against his husband. Brian was the best.
 

Return to The First Fifty