The First Fifty

Chapter 7

31 – 35

“Pop, Justin left you for another guy, didn’t he?” Gus asked as he and his father sat down for another one of their chats about Brian’s past. Joan’s album was open on his lap.

Brian looked down at the floor. He knew this was going to come up. “Yes,” he said softly. “The fiddler.”

“How did that happen? Everyone can see how much Justin loves you. How could he leave?”

“Don’t blame Justin,” Brian said raising his eyes to look into the very similar ones of his son. “I think he loved me right from the beginning, but I was too fucked up to let him. I couldn’t face the idea of a relationship, not with Justin, not with anyone. I didn’t think I was … worthy.”

“Not worthy?” Gus asked in surprise. “But … you’re handsome and successful and … rich.”

“I wasn’t rich back then,” Brian admitted, “although I did okay. And of course, I was handsome. That goes without saying,” he tried to joke.

“Why did he leave, Pop?”

Brian sucked in his lips along with a deep breath. Gus waited. He knew his father often had trouble discussing feelings.

“I … I couldn’t tell him that I loved him. I didn’t even know that I loved him for quite a while. I was so in denial. And I didn’t … know what love was.”

“You show it to everybody now.”

“Thanks to Justin. He had to teach me – right from the primer on love all the way to post graduate work.”

Gus chuckled. “He’s a pretty good teacher.”

“Yes he is.”

“Pop, if you and Justin could break up, do you think Ray and I…?”

“You’re not me, Gus. I hope you aren’t screwed up like I was. But Ray is your first love…”

“You think it could happen?” Gus asked in horror. He had been hoping his father would tell him not to worry.

“Nothing’s forever, Gus.”

“Jeez, I don’t want to think about that.”

“Hopefully you won’t have to.”

Gus sat back in his chair. His eyes were focused on Joan’s album, but his mind was far away in New York.

 

*****
 

“What do you want, Mikey?” Brian said into his phone.

“Want to go to a movie tonight?”

“I have … plans.”

“Another drunken binge at Babylon - fuck until you drop?” Michael asked sarcastically.

“I don’t need this, Michael.”

“I know you miss him…”

“I don’t miss anyone. I do, however, miss my privacy.”

“Brian, I just want to help.”

“Take your help and…” Brian bit off what he wanted to say. Michael was still his friend even when he was an intrusive little asshole. “I don’t want any help.”

“Okay, sorry. I didn’t mean to upset you.”

“It’s okay, Mikey,” Brian replied, his voice softening. “What movie did you want to see?” he asked, holding out an olive branch to his old friend.

“Why don’t you meet me at the movie theaters and we can pick something out.”

“Sure.”

“I’m really happy you’re coming.”

“Yeah, happy,” Brian said before he cut the connection.

 

*****
 

“Gus,” Brian said. “Gus!”

“What? I was just thinking.”

“I know you were. Are you really worried about you and Ray?” There was genuine concern in Brian’s voice.

“I … don’t think so. But, talking about what happened to you and Justin, it kind of brought some unpleasant thoughts.”

“You know how I have this reputation of telling the truth even if it hurts.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“It’s a crock of shit.”

“What do you mean? You always told me the truth, didn’t you?” Gus asked. He didn’t like the direction this whole conversation was taking.

“Mostly yes,” Brian responded. “But there were times when I selectively chose what to tell people. I refused to admit my feelings for Justin for a very long time. It caused us many problems that could have been avoided if I’d been honest with myself and with him.”

“So, are you telling me I should be honest about my feelings with Ray?” Brian nodded. “I really am honest with him, Pop,” Gus averred.

“I know you are. I’m just warning you that you should be upfront about what you’re feeling. It might hurt at the time, but it saves a lot of bullshit … and potential heartache.”

“I’ll take those words of wisdom under advisement,” Gus said.

“Good boy! Now I need to go find my husband and tell him how much he means to me.” Brian stood up and left the room.

Gus shook his head as he watched his father leave. He had some idea of how hard that had been for his father, but the fact that his father had gone to find Justin indicated that there must be a lot more to the history between Justin and his father.

 

*****
 

“Hey, Gus,” Ray said when he answered his cell phone and saw the caller ID. “Gus? Is that you? Gus?” Ray repeated when he got no reply. “Gus, I hope this is you and you had a root canal or something like that, and not that someone stole your phone and is scrolling through your contacts.”

Ray got a small chuckle from that comment.

“Gus, please grunt or sigh so I know you’re all right.” Ray heard an exaggerated sigh and knew he was about to witness a queen out moment, or in Gus’ case, a princess out moment.

“I love you, Gus. Whatever it is we can work it out.”

“Thank you,” Gus whispered. The boys remained silent for a while.

“Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Ray ventured.

“I think I need to stay here for New Year’s,” Gus replied. “Are you mad at me?”

“Mad? Why would I be mad at you? Gus, you just lost your grandmother and I saw your dad at Thanksgiving. He puts up a brave front but he’s got to still be hurting and you’re hurting too. You want to be with your dad for a while?” Ray hit the nail on the head.

“Yeah. I still want to spend some of my break with you but my dad needs me,” Gus said with a little boy voice.

“Gus, we have our whole lives to be together. I can wait.”

“Do we?”

“Do we what?”

“Have our whole lives to be together?”

“Okay, where did that question come from?”

“I was talking to my dad about the time he broke up with Justin,” Gus said meekly.

“And you think that’s going to happen to us?”

“Maybe.”

“I admit that we’re a little young to be thinking about forever. You and I have to do a lot of living first, but I’m very sure of one fact.”

“Which is?”

“We belong together. And no matter where we go or how our paths divide and cross, we will always find our way back to each other. I knew that the minute I met you. You are my best friend and my boyfriend. I love you.”

“I love you too.”

“So don’t worry. Even if you only get to spend a week here, I’m cool with it. Your family needs you.”

“Thank you.” Gus became quiet again.

“So are you up for some phone sex?” Ray asked with a laugh.

“I’m up, I’m up!” Gus quickly replied, laughing too. “God, I love you so much. You always know what to say.”

“Comes with age,” Ray teased.

“Oh, like you’re sooo much older than me. Big whoop, a whole freakin’ year.” The boys laughed.

“So you want to do the nasty or what?”

“Nasty, I’ll take a lot of nasty, please,” Gus said as he settled back onto his bed.

“Your wish is my command,” Ray said as he settled onto his bed too.

 

*****
 

“Hey,” Brian called out as he entered the sun porch, finding Justin elbows deep in paint.

“Hey,” Justin greeted back without taking his eyes off his project.

“I thought the point of painting was to get the paint on the canvas not on the artist.”

“Oh ha ha, keep your day job, Shecky. Sometimes I have to be one with the paint before it gets to the canvas.”

“I see. That is an interesting technique. Should I be jealous?”

“No, I don’t think so. The paint has none of your unique qualities,” Justin replied nonchalantly. Their conversation was taking a very weird turn and he wasn’t sure where it was going. Justin allowed Brian to go where he needed to go with it. “Your position with me is safe.”

“And what position is that?”

“Top, bottom, I leave it UP to you.”

“I’m always up.”

“I know. That’s one of your most unique qualities.”

Brian watched the artist at work for a while. Justin, completely engrossed in his project, wasn’t aware of the scrutiny. When it appeared that Justin was taking a moment to critique his work, Brian spoke.

“Was it my stupidity that made you leave me for the fiddler?”

“Whoa! Where did that come from?”

“Gus brought it up. He wanted to know why you left me. I told him it was my fault.”

Justin took a rag and wiped the paint off his hands before replying. He walked over to where Brian was sitting then squatted down in front of him.

“You want an honest answer?” Justin asked. Brian nodded. “If you had asked me back then, I would have agreed with you. I was a kid, barely eighteen, and I thought I knew what love and relationships were all about. I thought it should be flowers, hugs, kisses and passionate ‘I love yous’ every day. I needed to learn that while getting flowers was fun and flattering, if the feeling behind the gift wasn’t an honest one then the gift was crap.

“Brian, I was too young to know that sometimes actions DO speak louder than words. You always treated me like a man even when I wasn’t. You gave me choices and with those choices were consequences that we both had to live with. So to honestly answer your question, back then, yes, I thought it was your fault. In retrospect, I made just as big a mistake as you did. I allowed trivial desires to cloud my judgment. I hope now I know better. Besides, I have enough flowers to last me a lifetime,” Justin added with a smirk, indicating the gardens with his chin.

“So we’re good?” Brian asked for no reason other than to hear it from the man he loved.

“We’re more than good,” Justin replied, beaming his Sunshine smile as he stood up. “Can I get back to my painting now?”

Brian stood, making a royal wave at Justin. “Yes, my dear Sunshine, be one with your paint,” he said with a lighter heart walking toward the hallway.

“Thank you, sire.” Justin made a bow then went back to his canvas.

Brian stood at the doorway for a second then turned. “By the way, whatever happened to the fiddler? It’s been a while since we’ve heard about him.”

Justin was staring at his canvas nibbling at the wooden end of a broad paint brush. “He fell off the roof,” Justin quipped then began to add more paint to his canvas. Brian nodded then walked away.

 

*****

“Holy Pride, Batman!” Brian murmured when he flipped open the album and spied the picture. “How the hell did she get a hold of this? I wonder who took it?”

“What picture?” Justin asked as he entered their kitchen looking for a mug of hot tea. He had heard the kettle whistle and figured Brian had put on a pot of water.

“This one,” Brian tapped the photo.

“I gave it to Joan. A reporter was taking random pictures that day. When I became a little famous, he sent it to me in care of Sidney. I kept it. Joan wanted to include something from your … our past that was special. I can’t think of anything more special than that day when Stockwell was defeated.”

“That was one hell of a day. We voted against that homophobic prick and I lost everything I had.”

“Not everything,” Justin murmured as he slipped onto Brian’s lap. The lovers gently kissed, nibbling on each other’s lips.

“That was a very important day for the land of Liberty,” Brian whispered.

“Yes, it was. I wish more people knew of your generosity and the risks you took that day.”

“You mean the risk that the Committee of Concerned Citizens took that day.”

“Whatever.”

“Justin, I didn’t do it for them, not just for them. I did it for…”

“I know who you did it for. I was so proud of you and flattered, but it really didn’t matter why you did it. The point is that you DID do it. And it worked. A murder had been solved and those involved were brought to justice and the whole mess made public.”

“Some by their own hands.”

“Yes, but Pittsburgh was saved from potentially making the worst mistake of its life. And we owe it all to you.”

“Uh uh.”

“Ah, yes, we owe it all to the committee.”

“Wrong again, Sunshine. They owe it all to you and your prop-art.”

“Can we call it a tie?” Justin beamed at Brian.

“That’ll work,” Brian smiled smugly. “You know I learned a lot back then,” he said after a moment’s reflection.

“Oh, yeah, like what?”

“Like I hate violin music.”

“No you don’t, you only hate the violinist and only one violinist in particular. What else did you learn?”

“That material things aren’t worth shit if you don’t have the right person to share them with.”

“Yeah? Like who?”

“Fishing again, Sunshine?” Brian teased.

“Maybe.”

“Like you, the kids and our family.”

“What else did you learn?”

“What am I, Dorothy?”

“If the ruby slippers fit…” Justin laughed as Brian gently shoved Justin off his lap to make him a cup of tea. “I learned a lot about you and about how to be the best homosexual I could be. And about being the best person I could be.”

“I guess we both learned a few things back then,” Brian said as he placed the mug of tea on the counter. Justin took a seat on one of the stools, blowing on the piping hot brew.

“When is Gus going to New York?” Justin asked, changing the subject before it became maudlin.

“Not sure. I thought he was going to spend New Year’s Eve with Ray but unless he leaves today, that won’t happen.”

“Another new year. When did time get away from me?”

“Feeling old, Sunshine?” Brian teased. “I’m the one who’s going to be fifty soon. You will remain a youthful thirty-eight. Of course the fact that you still look twenty-five does wonders for my ego,” Brian said as he feigned the wounded diva.

“Oh waa! Poor baby, like you look your age. I keep having this fear that all of a sudden I’m going to lose my ‘youthful’ look all in one shot. I’ll wake up one day looking old and wrinkled, while twenty year old twinks are still vying for your attention.”

“And they call me a drama queen.” Brian rolled his eyes. “Can we both agree that we’re fabulous and will age gracefully?”

“I like that,” Justin answered after seemingly pondering the suggestion. “If Gus is going to spend New Year’s Eve with us, why don’t we make a nice night of it?”

“I don’t think I’m in the mood for a party.”

“I don’t think anyone is, but that doesn’t mean we can’t put together some hors d'oeuvres to eat while we watch the ball drop. Emm and his boys are on the lane. Michael and Ben are still here and Rachel and George. We can have a nice evening with them then kick everyone out.”

“I like your thinking, Sunshine.” Justin smiled. “I’ll call the party fairy, I’m sure he can rustle up something from our meager larders.”

“Meager larders? Have you been reading Jane Austen again? Go, make your calls. I must be one with my paints again while the inspiration is hot. Take an inventory of our meager larders before you call Emmett so he knows what he has to work from,” Justin instructed before he left the kitchen.

“You are so smart. How did I ever manage without you?” Brian pecked Justin’s cheek as he passed.

“You didn’t,” Justin said with a smug smile.
 

Return to The First Fifty